Falling out with a good friend

LegacyUser

I need to get this off my chest and any advice/support would be welcomed (its going to be a long post).

Outside my family, at the age of 33, I have only at most 3 close friends (I have other people I would regard as friends, but wouldnt trust them). I would consider myself lucky. 1 close friend doesnt even live in this country, but if I needed help or anything at all, he would be there for me. The other, a lady, has recently met a guy and moved in with him in another town about 1.5 hrs from here (am truely delighted for her although I miss her of course), the third I was probably closest to (Ill call her Jean). The operative word being "was".

Having being friends for nearly 15 years, I kind of noticed Jean and I drifting apart so to speak. In my eyes (and still in my eyes and always will be) you couldnt meet a nicer and more genuine person (doesnt stop me getting mad at her though!). But at the moment I am mad. I havent spoken to her in nearly a month (no effort on either part).

Friday about a month ago we were out - having a good laugh as per usual. A girl (ill call her Laura) Jean is also friends with was out too. Laura, to me is a rude and obnoxious pig (sorry as above I am angry right now). Id say if I was **** on her shoe, she wouldnt even wipe me off.

She always was a rude and obnoxious pig to me (Ive known her about 15 years also - but we never hit it off) - some of the crap she'd say to me to put me down (only serving her own ego-or rather lack of it-shes the type of person who always has to be the centre of attention). I always sauntered along, ignoring her cruel comments-laughing them off etc etc.

Until that Friday night. That night she was so rude and arrogant to me, something broke in me with her (she even swung her hair in my face-twice-blocked me out of the circle of girls we were out with-was generally nasty). I got sooo angry for the first time. I didnt show my anger, but was close to tears. Anyways, I was shaking my head - ready to snap - Jean saw me and was like "whats the problem". I was like nothing nothing-didnt want to cause a scene.

Anyways, we left the pub, Laura of course centre of attention and blatently being rude to other random people at this stage and generally making an arse of herself. I was still very mad but ended up staying at Jean's house and in the morning was still angry so had to leave. I was up early anyways so I left with out saying anything for fear of me getting really mad.

So why am I so mad? Laura also treats Jean like a piece of crap (albeit not as bad), and lately Jean had started telling me things like "god why does Laura always need to be centre of attention making a fool of herself?". She does notice when Laura is mean to me, yet does nothing about it. I have NEVER EVER said anything bad about Laura. I wouldnt waste my air to her honest. We would never discuss her because I knew if I did, it wouldnt stop pouring out of my mouth.

Anyways, I feel like I have to stand my ground on this one, even though I dont want to loose a good friend. It just came to a head and became clear to me that night that Laura is never going to change being nasty to me, clearly Jean wont say anything, so its up to me to stand my ground.

It actually feels like am back in flippin secondary school with the horrible mean girl situation. We are all in our 30s for gods sake! ANy advice? Am I doing right thing? I cant see what to do clearly in my mind, but just couldnt take any more from Laura. I feel a little lost. As I said I havent spoken to her in almost a month, and I miss her, but 1. I dont think I was right to have left the house as I did (I was angry/heat of moment), but 2. Laura has now driven a wedge between us, and I do not ever want to be out with her again.

Babooshka

Hi there

Well Laura sounds like a pain in the*ss alright, but if Jean's a good friend and you're as upset as you seem, can you confide in her about this? Maybe she thinks you were annoyed with her (I know you say you are a bit but overall your post sounds like you're more annoyed at sharing her with this other piece of work which is understandable). Sometimes when you're out with people and something like that happens, especially if a few drinks are taken etc. people get really confused about what's going on and can take things up the wrong way. I know you say you didn't say much but vibes are picked up on and that's the worst thing, as sometimes they are misunderstood.

Did you and Jean email each other a lot? Just thinking, but you could always email her, not an epic email, just keep it as brief as you can, say you've been missing her, but that you felt uncomfortable that last night and you'd like to clear the air with her, and will she meet you for a quiet drink, lunch, a coffee maybe? If she agrees and is friendly enough I'd meet her and then tell it from the heart. Not a tirade of abuse about Laura though, drama queens like that love it if you bad mouth them, they use it to twist everyone against you. So if it was me, I'd just say that you felt uncomfortable around her, you want your friendship with Jean to continue but not based on having to see Laura, and that if she's happy with that, you could meet her at other times when Laura's not around.

How well does Jean know Laura? The only thing I'd be a bit worried about and what you probably have to ask yourself is, why does Jean want to hang around with someone so rude, you say she's mentioned it so she obviously knows. Most decent people don't suffer ego freaks often, so that'd be my only issue here in confiding in Jean. But if she is a good pal and a good person she'll understand, and she won't go running to Laura to spread gossip, if you know her, you'll know if she would or wouldn't, that has to be your judgment call.

Some people never get beyond the secondary school stage, but if you can approach it with Jean this way you'll be proving that it's not you. Laura will probably eventually hang herself with everyone around her. The way you describe her, people like that tend to burn their bridges quite quickly and move on to the next set of people after a while.

Best of luck, hope that helped in some small way.

IrishEyes19

I wouldnt let that girl "Laura" get away with it, as in if she's being rude, you can say very calmly, "Laura, I'd appreciate it if you didnt swing your hair in my fair AGAIN. Or push over there, Laura, you're actually excluding me from the circle there."

and I would say it to "Jean" you could say. "I dont have any issues with you jean you know that, but laura has always treated me quite badly and Im not trying to drag you into it, but to be honest I dont enjoy when she's around because she's blantantly rude to me.

James400

Hi there, just to give you another perspective on falling out with a supposed good friend on my part anyway! I am that soldier.

I'm in my mid-30's and up to about a year ago i hung around with what i considered to be 3 good male friends- it was really only 2 as another friend of mine is married with kids so rarely see him.

Anyway of my 2 male friends- one was 10 years older than me and married we'll call him Mike and my second male friend was the same age as me we'll call him Ken.

I was getting stuck in a rut going out with my 2 friends as we would go to the same pub, sit in the same seats and talk the same nonsense every Saturday night. Also i was getting dragged to gigs to see bands that they liked whom i never heard of and meeting people who i hardly knew- their friends and relations.

Mike was extremely kind-hearted and genuine towards me while Ken was the opposite- turned out he was actually an aquantaince of mine not really a genuine friend.

With Ken a lot of things happened which drove me away from him- going on holidays for two weeks with the lads sharing a room with Ken, and Ken walking out of the apartment not telling me where he was going- for a fortnight...!

Also, Ken belittling me in front of other people...Ken going to Grand Prix racing with Mike for the weekend and not informing me...also me putting the effort in with Ken by texting him and inviting him out at weekends somewhere different and getting texts back-'...i'm getting on a plane', 'Walking down Rue La Grand'...'i'm already out six pints down' etc

Generally shunned!...unfortunately. It all came to a head when i texted Ken one weekend, he was already down the local pub with Mike...Ken received my text- didn't respond at all and Mike responded with the good manners to tell me where they where. Our relationship ended there when Ken refused to acknowledge me!

I think you have to sometimes in life be very much independent, do what you want to do, go where you'd like to go and surround yourself with the people you'd like to surround yourself with.

I'm much happier after breaking ties with that person, doing what i like to do, going out with family..other relations, and now i'm travelling to America with a group on holiday next month.

Nothing wrong with falling out with a good friend, think off number 1 now and again.

IrishEyes19

James400 wrote: »

Hi there, just to give you another perspective on falling out with a supposed good friend on my part anyway! I am that soldier.

I'm in my mid-30's and up to about a year ago i hung around with what i considered to be 3 good male friends- it was really only 2 as another friend of mine is married with kids so rarely see him.

Anyway of my 2 male friends- one was 10 years older than me and married we'll call him Mike and my second male friend was the same age as me we'll call him Ken.

I was getting stuck in a rut going out with my 2 friends as we would go to the same pub, sit in the same seats and talk the same nonsense every Saturday night. Also i was getting dragged to gigs to see bands that they liked whom i never heard of and meeting people who i hardly knew- their friends and relations.

Mike was extremely kind-hearted and genuine towards me while Ken was the opposite- turned out he was actually an aquantaince of mine not really a genuine friend.

With Ken a lot of things happened which drove me away from him- going on holidays for two weeks with the lads sharing a room with Ken, and Ken walking out of the apartment not telling me where he was going- for a fortnight...!

Also, Ken belittling me in front of other people...Ken going to Grand Prix racing with Mike for the weekend and not informing me...also me putting the effort in with Ken by texting him and inviting him out at weekends somewhere different and getting texts back-'...i'm getting on a plane', 'Walking down Rue La Grand'...'i'm already out six pints down' etc

Generally shunned!...unfortunately. It all came to a head when i texted Ken one weekend, he was already down the local pub with Mike...Ken received my text- didn't respond at all and Mike responded with the good manners to tell me where they where. Our relationship ended there when Ken refused to acknowledge me!

I think you have to sometimes in life be very much independent, do what you want to do, go where you'd like to go and surround yourself with the people you'd like to surround yourself with.

I'm much happier after breaking ties with that person, doing what i like to do, going out with family..other relations, and now i'm travelling to America with a group on holiday next month.

Nothing wrong with falling out with a good friend, think off number 1 now and again.

+ 1 on this. Also I wouldnt worry about her too much. In my own experience Ive gained and lost friends over the years, some bad breakups and then some just fizzled out. Ive one absolute best friend and to be honest you know when its meant to be, as in we;ve had about 2 terrible arguements that involved tears and yelling, but we sorted it out and things went back to normal, thats a true friend. Its when you know when to say sorry, or let things go, because you care about that person enough to know they would never hurt you purposely. that laura girl is not one of those people and I would therefore attempt to make this clear to Jean, because as a good friend, she should be aware of how laura is acting towards you and that shouldnt be acceptable.

John400

James, no wonder you broke off ties with that guy!

Seriously though, you texting him..him being with your other friend already down the pub...

...basically that guy read your text- didn't respond, your other friend who was with him had the good grace to respond to you by texting you back.

Truely Awful.

I agree with you have to be independent now and again, i think experiences like that make you a better person.

Starokan

if you really want to you could try extending an olive branch to your friend to get some discussion going but if you do stand your ground on laura.

She sounds like a complete wagon and there is no reason whatsoever for you to associate with her in any way. In fact the more you disassociate with her the better.

Any person who will belittle you in public is not deserving of your attention in any way whatsoever

Big Bag of Chips

Sorry, I haven't read any of the previous replies, but 1 thing stands out from your post. You say you are in your 30s? I was shocked to read that. I thought you were at most 20 and had known each other since Junior infants.

Why do you need Jean to stand up for you?

That's the bit I don't get.

You are in your 30s, an adult, and yet you expect someone else to fight your corner for you? So now you have "fallen out" with your supposed best friend, because she didn't stand up for you against this rude girl, who is also rude to her?

If she won't stand up for herself against her, why do you expect her to stand up for you?

Is Jean even aware that you have "fallen out" with her? And it's because you are annoyed at her because of someone else's behaviour? What makes you think that she would have ANY control over Laura and the way she carries on?

Jean asked you what was wrong, probably trying to open up dialogue about Laura. You said "nothing". Jean has also said things about Laura acting the ass in the past, and you still have "NEVER ever" said anything bad about her. If you don't tell people your problem, they are not going to know. Talk to Jean.

If you don't stand up for yourself people will treat you badly.. stand up for yourself against Laura. You're not back in secondary school. You are an adult. You can't expect your friends to fight off the yard bully for you anymore.

I think you are being a bit unfair to Jean.

rainbowtrout

I'm with Big Bag of Chips on this one.

OP, you haven't fallen out with Jean and she hasn't fallen out with you. Neither of you have been in contact with each other. There's a good chance that she's wondering what she's done to you if you are the one that normally makes contact.


I don't see why you expect Jean to stand up to Laura on your behalf? Laura obviously means nothing to you, so why don't you pull her up on her behaviour, out loud and in public? The fact that Jean brought it up in conversation with you means that she is aware of this behaviour and I would think, she was giving you an opportunity to discuss it with her, and you said nothing, and now all of this is Jean's fault??? Come on, call Jean and ask her to go out, if she suggests asking Laura along, just say straight out 'No, I don't like the way Laura behaves towards me or anyone else, she's a pain in the arse' If Jean doesn't want to meet you after that you're in no worse a position than you are at present, but I don't think she will react like that based on what you've said.

Of course if you do end up out in the same group as Laura and she starts treating you like crap, pull her up on it. She may not like you personally or she could be just like this to everyone, but either way she's doing it because she can get away with it. Jean should have to fight your battles for you if you are in your 30s.