Thought I was bi, but I think I'm gay. Dunno what to do & think I love my best mate

trevbren

This was my original post, but I've decided to change it and stop kidding myself. http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056312132

First off, 22 from galway, sexual experience consists of me snogging 2 girls while I was in secondary school.

Ok guys. I'm gonna level with ye. I dont know why I keep saying I'm bi when I no damn well I'm gay. I'm gay lads, and its awful. I'm single and sick of it, yet I do not want a relationship with a guy. I want one with a girl. I'm hoping and praying that I can fall in love with a girl and get married and have kids. But as time goes by I'm so scared that this will not happen.

And here's whats tearing me apart. I think I love one of my best mates. And you can trust me, thats not being dramatic. I'm jealous of his gf and I cant stop looking at him and think about him all the time. I've never had these feelings before for anybody, so it's definately love. I just love being in his company and it is truly soul destroying that I can never be with him as he is very straight.

Can i safely say i'm gay, eventhough I've had no sexual contact with guys or girls, given that I'm a bit shy? I think I am, because I eye up more guys than girls. Its only the odd girl that I'd say to myself "ya I would". But with most lads i'd bloddy jump at the chance. Because of this, I cling onto the chance that I can meet a girl and fall in love with her.

Oh my god guys I dont know where to go or what to do. I never thought I'd say this guys, but I hate being gay... I dont hate myself, but I hate being gay... I dont know what to do. 5 of my mates know I'm bi, including the guy I think I love and they have no problem with it. I know its not the end of the world guys, but I just dont want it for myself. I dont know what I'm trying to say.



I'm such a nice sound lad and I would be so good to a girl (or lad). I think about being with a lad all the time. Not even for sexual things, just a soul mate. Guy or girl I just dont know. Oh lads, its such a dreadful, lonely, mind boggling situation and i dont know what to do.

Workingonit

You're beating yourself up mate... not the first lad to do it & I doubt you'll be the last to be honest.

Im a gay lad in my twenties probably had a lot of similar feeling to you few years back, came from country, had all those thoughts about family etc. That's not to say I'm saying you're gay too you'll figure out if you gay/bi/straight yourself. Mightn't seem like that now but you will know when something feels right for you.

My advice on your mate is forget it maybe. Just my opinion but you dont wanna make things difficult & he seems to be a good friend. I'd bet you if you meet someone else guy / girl your feelings there would take over. Lad friends who are kool with being bi / gay are great, I have a few & I can head out with and being gay is a nothing to them. Even if you do decide you're gay that won't define you, you're still you & you wont change loose all your mates because of it...

You're curious, maybe got for a pint in gay bar with a mate, see lots of types of people there & plenty just like yourself! End of the day it's just a drink or two. If you feel you like it kool if not what harm. Sounds like your mates wouldn't be bothered. Just cause you check it out doesnt mean you have to go sleep with someone that night! You're young once, start enjoying it (god I sound old there & im in on a friday night!)

Stop beating yourself up, I know it's probably on your mind 24/7 right now but you will figure it out mate. give us a shout anytime if you got any questions / wanna chat with someone etc.

It will work itself ou, you'll know once it has you'll be enjoying yourself again!! :rolleyes:

baby and crumble

First off, try and relax. You're not the first person to fall for their straight best friend and you won't be the last.

Next- why do you hate being gay? You said you are out as bi to a few people, and they're cool about it. What's different now? When you came out as bi you must have known that a relationship with a guy was a possibility, and so did all your friends. They're fine with it, so you haven't changed. You know?

My advice with the friend is, as hard as it is, try and get over him. I fell for a straight friend, and though it was hell (I lived with her- complete nightmare) I knew she was straight, so I pined from a distance. Eventually though I met someone else, and my feelings for my friend sort of... went away. They were taken over by my new relationship. That's not to say I think you should find yourself a random boyfriend, but be assured it won't always be this bad.

I had similar experience to you at your age- i had kissed 3 guys and no girls by 21. I know my inexperience was weird and caused me a bit of hassle when it came to crushes then. But that changes.

Try and cut yourself some slack. You're human and figuring out some big stuff right now.

ninty9er

Seems to me that you know you're gay, but you just need time to get your head around it. Took me the best part of 18 months, but I got there in the end.

The friend, of course you love your best friend, it's natural, but it's a different type of bond, so forget about it physically. He's not gay and even if he were, would you stake your friendship on it.

The wife and kids dilemma is one I had daily for months. You can have the same with a guy. No doubt it'll be more difficult, but it's not impossible as some may think.

Elle Collins

trevbren wrote: »

And here's whats tearing me apart. I think I love one of my best mates. And you can trust me, thats not being dramatic. I'm jealous of his gf and I cant stop looking at him and think about him all the time. I've never had these feelings before for anybody, so it's definately love. I just love being in his company and it is truly soul destroying that I can never be with him as he is very straight.

If you're eyeballing your friend all the time it won't be long before either he or his partner cops on to it and puts two and two together. I would advise you to keep posting here and get onto whatever phone lines are available to offer you support, but I'd also take a big step back as far as your friend is concerned.

He isn't ever going to be interested in you in an intimate way and you really haven't any right to be putting that sort of negative pressure on their relationship, anyway, if you keep it up sooner or later you'll end up costing yourself a friendship.

trevbren

I know that Elle. I dont make it look obvious that I'm looking at him. And I would never do anything to jeopardise our great friendship. I'll just have to get over it. I'd rather him as a friend that not have him at all.

Rick_

I have been in a similar situation before where I fancied my straight best friend and was jealous of his girlfriend and did find myself looking at him and resenting her. It almost cost me my friendship with him until I copped myself on that he's not interested in me and nothing is ever gonna happen. As has been said before, you are not the first and won't be the last so just pull back a bit and try not to be that way with your friend. You'll regret losing his friendship if it all goes sour.

I know this is going to sound so cliche, but time is a great help. If you distance yourself for a while you will find that your feelings for him grow weaker and weaker until they are nothing. It's not easy to do but it can be done if you try. Spend the time that you have apart to concentrate more on accepting the fact that you are gay as I would say that is the bigger issue with you at the moment.

mtnh

Yeah I definitely know how you feel. I kid myself on the bi thing too (well, like you there are a few girls that I think "Hell yeah I would!", but mostly it's guys). Have fallen for one or two straight guys too. We are the same age and I have never had any sexual experiences either. I am just too shy. It's funny that I can be so confident in some aspects of my life, yet when it comes to relationships etc. I just can't really face it!

There are days when I hate how I am too. But it's not really my attraction to guys that I hate...I hate how I have let it turn into something that is holding me back so much, and I hate that I can't fully accept it. I know all I really need is to meet like minded people, but I don't have the courage/confidence to do anything about it.

Like you, I envision myself somehow falling in love with a girl and everything will be ok. Or I feel that if I do meet a guy I won't tell anyone (but what kind of a life is that).

I will just have to face up to it one day! But anyway, it's nice to hear your experiences trevbren.