Insecure and Low self esteem

lilmisshope

Hi,

I have a big problem that basically is ruining my life. When i was younger i was always shy people avoided me because i didnt talk hardly. Even friends treat me like rubbish. As i got abit older i realised i wasnt as pretty as most people and no boys would even look at me twice. I did start to open up abit and found that people actually started liking me as a friend but still no one ever fancied me. Well when i left school i started to realise that i got a fair bit of attention from men. I wondered why as i always saw myself as ugly. Quite alot of people told me i was gorgeous which stunned me and i stilll dont believe it. I had a few relationships and i even had a son. Im 26 now and ive settled down with my bf who ive been with 4 years now. He tells me im sexy and gorgeous alot but i just dont believe it. He tells me men stare at me in the street but it just embarrasses me really.

To get to the point ive found that with every bf ive been with ive struggles with my self esteem and insecurity. If my current bf says someones pretty i get so upset and assume im ugly, its been the same in every relationship. My bf watched porn and i cried for days and days. He said hed stop only to find out he started again and this has gone on alot him promising and breaking it. I cant help but think its because im ugly. Watching a music video or a movie is a nightmare because if a naked woman comes on i go all quiet and he doesnt know where to look in fear of upsetting me. I worry hes looking at other women because im not good enough.
Also a few years ago i found out he had been on some free webcam sites and i had saw what he had wrote. Saying there hot and wow and stuff. Ive never forgiven him for that. It made me feel so ugly. He apologised and hasnt done it again as he said it was wrong. I just think if he knew it was wrong i must be really ugly for him to have done it in the first place.

Its not just bfs this has affected it seems i always try to hard to make people happy, i darent upset anyone or say no. I worry people wont like me. I always want to have sex with my bf in fear he will look at porn or cheat, its like secretly im hoping because i do he wont look at it or cheat on me.

Well really sorry for the long post but i was wondering if anyone could help? I know i sound like a bad person but im not i love my bf to bits. I dont want to be like this anymore. i hate it. has anyone got any suggestions? please dont be nasty. thankyou

Also since being with him ive lost 1 stone and a half, through worrying about him looking at porn and stuff. im scared of putting any weight on incase he finds me even more unattractive. My family and friends noticed id lost weight and where all worried and talking behind my back. I darent tell them the reason as i will probably get told not to be so stupid. I cant talk to anyone about it. Now when i eat i worry about my weight. Also god forbid if i get a spot i dont wont to even go out the house or my bf to even look at me. I sound so vain i know but this genuinely is destroying me. Im scared i dont want to feel like this anymore.

lilmisshope

pls can anyone help ? i would appreciate any advice

LegacyUser

Hi op,if its possible,may i suggest you give counselling a try,to get to the bottom of the esteem issues,i think you should give your bf a ultimatum to cut down on viewing porn.

I think maybe should forgive him on his past,if he was single or not in a relationship with you at the time on what he wrote on websites,then it was his own business and harmless fun.

Take care x

Forever Hopeful

You know that obsessing about the way you look isn't the way to live your life. You seem to believe that couples stay together (or men stay with women) because they are hot?
I think you need to look at yourself away from any relationship and find a way to build some confidence in yourself. You are only 26. Have you spent any time single?
You need to build a sense of character where you don't care what people think of you. Yes we all fundamentally do care somewhat but not to the extent that we turn into weaklings and door mats.
You know you have self esteem issues and the best path to unhappiness is comparing yourself to others. No one has it all!
I'd suggest going to a therapist who can help you build up your self esteem.
Do you have a job? Are you successful at it? Are there other parts of your life (apart from your boyfriend) that you are proud of? If you are, then that's a start.

nicechick!

lilmisshope wrote: »

Hi,

I have a big problem that basically is ruining my life. When i was younger i was always shy people avoided me because i didnt talk hardly. Even friends treat me like rubbish. As i got abit older i realised i wasnt as pretty as most people and no boys would even look at me twice. I did start to open up abit and found that people actually started liking me as a friend but still no one ever fancied me. Well when i left school i started to realise that i got a fair bit of attention from men. I wondered why as i always saw myself as ugly. Quite alot of people told me i was gorgeous which stunned me and i stilll dont believe it. I had a few relationships and i even had a son. Im 26 now and ive settled down with my bf who ive been with 4 years now. He tells me im sexy and gorgeous alot but i just dont believe it. He tells me men stare at me in the street but it just embarrasses me really.

To get to the point ive found that with every bf ive been with ive struggles with my self esteem and insecurity. If my current bf says someones pretty i get so upset and assume im ugly, its been the same in every relationship. My bf watched porn and i cried for days and days. He said hed stop only to find out he started again and this has gone on alot him promising and breaking it. I cant help but think its because im ugly. Watching a music video or a movie is a nightmare because if a naked woman comes on i go all quiet and he doesnt know where to look in fear of upsetting me. I worry hes looking at other women because im not good enough.
Also a few years ago i found out he had been on some free webcam sites and i had saw what he had wrote. Saying there hot and wow and stuff. Ive never forgiven him for that. It made me feel so ugly. He apologised and hasnt done it again as he said it was wrong. I just think if he knew it was wrong i must be really ugly for him to have done it in the first place.

Its not just bfs this has affected it seems i always try to hard to make people happy, i darent upset anyone or say no. I worry people wont like me. I always want to have sex with my bf in fear he will look at porn or cheat, its like secretly im hoping because i do he wont look at it or cheat on me.

Well really sorry for the long post but i was wondering if anyone could help? I know i sound like a bad person but im not i love my bf to bits. I dont want to be like this anymore. i hate it. has anyone got any suggestions? please dont be nasty. thankyou

Also since being with him ive lost 1 stone and a half, through worrying about him looking at porn and stuff. im scared of putting any weight on incase he finds me even more unattractive. My family and friends noticed id lost weight and where all worried and talking behind my back. I darent tell them the reason as i will probably get told not to be so stupid. I cant talk to anyone about it. Now when i eat i worry about my weight. Also god forbid if i get a spot i dont wont to even go out the house or my bf to even look at me. I sound so vain i know but this genuinely is destroying me. Im scared i dont want to feel like this anymore.

There it is again your low opinion of yourself and fear of others opinion of you by stating ''please don't be nasty'' we have to be harsh your issues are directly going to effect everything in your life from your choices or work, friends, relationships etc Your not vain you just have no value of yourself and any good in your life you will question seeing as you care so little for yourself you expect the same in return from others

The choice is yours you lead your own success. Your worried about your boyfriend looking at porn but honestly it doesn't matter you'll worry about every one and there influence on him as again I say you don't value yourself! this is the least of your worries you need to talk to a professional that can help you and I strongly advice getting some counselling to work through this. we all have moments of insecurities which is normal however I think yours is extreme you obviusoulsy over whelmed and worried about it. Go to your gp they can refer you on the strong term ring the samirtians or go to aware.ie send them this post they will likely be able to give you some advice

premierlass

nicechick! wrote: »

The choice is yours you lead your own success. Your worried about your boyfriend looking at porn but honestly it doesn't matter you'll worry about every one and there influence on him as again I say you don't value yourself! this is the least of your worries you need to talk to a professional that can help you and I strongly advice getting some counselling to work through this. we all have moments of insecurities which is normal however I think yours is extreme you obviusoulsy over whelmed and worried about it. Go to your gp they can refer you on the strong term ring the samirtians or go to aware.ie send them this post they will likely be able to give you some advice

+1

OP, I urge you to take this advice. Your low self-esteem is seriously skewing your perception and judgement. For what it's worth: I would be extremely unhappy if someone I was in a a relationship with was chatting online with other women. That is not on, and I would seriously consider the relationship at that point.

If you are repeatedly told you are pretty, you probably are. However, how you look has nothing to do with your right to be loved and respected. Please don't injure yourself or lower your standards to "keep" your boyfriend. What he does is under his control, not yours.

Please seek counselling.

lilmisshope

Hi thankyou for replying i really appreciate it.

I know that its me with the problem i was just trying to explain how i feel. My bf knows how i feel about the porn but he doesnt know to what extent i feel about everything. It is true what some of you have said. My bf isnt looking at porn right now and still im obbsessing about when he did and if he will again. Im worried about leaving him in the house on his own when i go to a friends house incase he looks. This is ruining my life. I have seen counsellors in the past but the didnt seem to work. My bf went on the webcam sites when i was with him which upset me. He hasnt done since but i have questioned it in my head ever since. Its like i judge how i feel about myself and how i see my self with what others do. Say my bf looks at porn so im ugly and my bf went on the webcams sites he must think im unnattractive.I try overally hard with friends not to upset them and to make them happy. Even with my bf i try to do everything i can to make him happy. Its exhausting trying to make everyone happy all the time.

Does anyone know how i can build my self confidence again and stop being so insecure becasue right now its so bad its ruining my life. I havent got a job at the minute as i gave up work 6 years ago to look after my son. When he started fulltime school i started looking for a job again and i just cant get one. Ive volunteered for a year and done endless courses but nothing. I feel like a failure. My son is a lovely little boy but even he walks all over me and hes only 6!

I want to be the type of person that can say no to people and if my bf watches porn i want to have good self esteem to realize he loves me and its not to do with me but i cant. Im the sort of person that will talk to anyone but i noticed yesterday when my bf went to work and i went to the bank my hands where shaking and i dont know why. Im not scared of going out but i was scared of something as my hands where shaking. I feel like a mess right now and this has been going on too long i want it to stop i cant live like this.

nicechick!

lilmisshope wrote: »

Hi thankyou for replying i really appreciate it.

I know that its me with the problem i was just trying to explain how i feel. My bf knows how i feel about the porn but he doesnt know to what extent i feel about everything. It is true what some of you have said. My bf isnt looking at porn right now and still im obbsessing about when he did and if he will again. Im worried about leaving him in the house on his own when i go to a friends house incase he looks. This is ruining my life. I have seen counsellors in the past but the didnt seem to work. My bf went on the webcam sites when i was with him which upset me. He hasnt done since but i have questioned it in my head ever since. Its like i judge how i feel about myself and how i see my self with what others do. Say my bf looks at porn so im ugly and my bf went on the webcams sites he must think im unnattractive.I try overally hard with friends not to upset them and to make them happy. Even with my bf i try to do everything i can to make him happy. Its exhausting trying to make everyone happy all the time.

Does anyone know how i can build my self confidence again and stop being so insecure becasue right now its so bad its ruining my life. I havent got a job at the minute as i gave up work 6 years ago to look after my son. When he started fulltime school i started looking for a job again and i just cant get one. Ive volunteered for a year and done endless courses but nothing. I feel like a failure. My son is a lovely little boy but even he walks all over me and hes only 6!

I want to be the type of person that can say no to people and if my bf watches porn i want to have good self esteem to realize he loves me and its not to do with me but i cant. Im the sort of person that will talk to anyone but i noticed yesterday when my bf went to work and i went to the bank my hands where shaking and i dont know why. Im not scared of going out but i was scared of something as my hands where shaking. I feel like a mess right now and this has been going on too long i want it to stop i cant live like this.

Anxiety, depression, stress there are a number of things really truthfully counselling probably didn't work as you weren't open to it you need to be open & very honest as otherwise it won't work you mentioned your boyfriend doesn't even know the extend well then I assume the presumption is the same for your counselling.

As for building up your self esteem the next time someone comments nicely about you say ''thank you''! Take ownership don't saying sorry & overly pleasing others so the next time someone makes a demand of your time say no your busy people aren't and won't take offence its a fact of life! Support when and how you can but put your own needs first

I can't tell you how to build up yourself esteem you already know the problem you need to overcome this yourself tell yourself your brilliant!! Do something for you just you go for a massage and let the guilt go who cares take a couple of hours every week to yourself and for yourself. Also talk to your gp

I wish I could help but truthfully only you can drive this

qwerty13

lilmisshope wrote: »

To get to the point ive found that with every bf ive been with ive struggles with my self esteem and insecurity..... its been the same in every relationship.

It must be a nightmare to live your life like this - for you, and your boyfriend, and your child. I've cropped a lot of text from your post, so that you can see that you've clearly said that this happens all the time - so I'm afraid the problem is definitely yours, not your boyfriend's, and that until you either chose to break that cycle or get help doing so, it is unlikely anything will change for you. And this isn't just about you any more - it is clearly affecting your son's behaviour too. Get some help.

premierlass

OP, counselling doesn't always work straight off. You sometimes have to meet a few counsellors before finding the right one, and even then you have to be committed and honest with yourself. You might not want to deal with the things that come out of it.

There are no magic answers to finding your self-esteem again, and it may be a long road, but you can do it. It comes from being happy with who you are, and there is something there which is stopping you. You need to find out what that is. Don't use relationships to define you, or obsess over what people say about you. What you look like should have absolutely no bearing on your decisions or your self-image.

I'm sorry you can't find work. What about an extra qualification to boost your chances, or to qualify in a different area? Do you have a degree? If not, you can get Back to Education allowance while you study. The fact that you volunteer means that you contribute to society and other peoples' welfare - you are not a failure.

I think your self-esteem issues lead to your discipline problems with your son. A parenting forum would help you with that, but it may be tough at first to change habits that are already there, and you need to find your confidence and resolve.

OP, you sound like a really nice person, and you're not alone in having low self-esteem and struggling with your life as a result. The good thing is that you're still young and have plenty of time. Just finding out why can go a long way towards turning your life around.

I've cropped a lot of text from your post, so that you can see that you've clearly said that this happens all the time - so I'm afraid the problem is definitely yours, not your boyfriend's, and that until you either chose to break that cycle or get help doing so, it is unlikely anything will change for you.

That may be the case, but the boyfriend is still very much in the wrong here, and it's his doing, not the OP's. Let's not lose sight of that.

qwerty13

premierlass wrote: »

That may be the case, but the boyfriend is still very much in the wrong here, and it's his doing, not the OP's. Let's not lose sight of that.

How so?

Things that boyfriend did which OP was excessively upset about:
1. If my current bf says someones pretty i get so upset and assume im ugly, its been the same in every relationship.
2. My bf watched porn and i cried for days and days.
3. Watching a music video or a movie is a nightmare because if a naked woman comes on i go all quiet and he doesnt know where to look in fear of upsetting me.

I'm not sure what to say about the webcam stuff, as I'm not really sure whether this means that he was watching live stuff like those ridiculous tv ads, or chatting to randomers via webcam and getting off on that? And whether he did it when he was (past tense?) going out with the OP, or whether she was physically present?
"Also a few years ago i found out he had been on some free webcam sites and i had saw what he had wrote."
"My bf went on the webcam sites when i was with him which upset me"

lilmisshope

Hi, I wasnt actually in the room with him i found out later that hed been watching these women and talking to them. Lots of people have told me its normal for men to watch porn. It upsets me him watching it but if hes just going to keep going back to it i need to not get upset by it. I just dont know how to. Also it worries me him watching porn because maybe there is something wrong with me because he went on that webcam site. I dont believe that was right of him to do . He says im sexy so why would he do it?

My sons behaviour is actually normal at the minute, he has attitude and talks back ive spoken to someone about it. He goes to his dads on weekends and hes the same there. I just find it hard to discipline him with being like i am. I just want to say im not a bad mum i do everything for him and i love him so much. I dont want anyone thinking i treat him bad or anything.

Its frustrating at the minute because i really want to feel good about myself but cant seem to. I cry when my bfs at work usually about him watching porn and other things hes done. I want my bf to want me not those other women. I do everything i can to make him happy it just seems like im not good enough.

qwerty13

Lots of men and women watch porn. Lots of people in a relationship watch it together. Obviously I can't speak for everyone, but the generally accepted view (in my experience) is that it is an 'added visual extra' - and not a reflection of their lack of feeling for their partner, or how desirable they find their partner.

I don't think that you treat your son badly - but kids are like little sponges, and pick up on the behaviour of grown ups. I genuinely think that you need to consider how your behaviour affects his view of the world, and that you are doing him no favours in later life by not disciplining him now.

There IS a way to feel better about yourself, and it is by changing the pattern. I can't pretend to know much about your life, but you have said yourself that this happens in every relationship. Can't you see that the common thread is you? I don't mean that in a blaming way; just as a fact that you yourself have stated. Until you sort out your insecurities, they will continue to influence your relationships - and eat you away inside. If you can sort this out by yourself, then great; but I really think that you should get some professional help.

premierlass

qwerty, you're right; I had the impression the webcam thing was ongoing.

My sons behaviour is actually normal at the minute, he has attitude and talks back ive spoken to someone about it. He goes to his dads on weekends and hes the same there. I just find it hard to discipline him with being like i am. I just want to say im not a bad mum i do everything for him and i love him so much. I dont want anyone thinking i treat him bad or anything.

Sorry if I gave the impression that I was questioning that; I don't doubt you at all. It's just that children push the boundaries, especially at that age, and I think confidence is the key to standing firm to their little tricks.

There IS a way to feel better about yourself, and it is by changing the pattern. I can't pretend to know much about your life, but you have said yourself that this happens in every relationship. Can't you see that the common thread is you? I don't mean that in a blaming way; just as a fact that you yourself have stated. Until you sort out your insecurities, they will continue to influence your relationships - and eat you away inside. If you can sort this out by yourself, then great; but I really think that you should get some professional help.

I agree with this. You're not the first woman to have an issue with her partner using porn, but you've got to understand he doesn't do it because there's anything wrong with you or he doesn't want you.

All I can say is, to make the right decisions in your life and judge situations objectively, you need to stop blaming everything around you for making you feel bad - that is not the root cause (but low self-esteem makes it more likey you'll get into bad situations). Your feelings of inadequacy are a learned reflex. You need to dig and find out why that is. It's not easy; you'll probably relapse into bad habits because it's what you're used to; but I can promise (from experience) if you are brutally honest, and look, and look, and keep on looking, you'll find the answer. You will probably need someone to help you start that process.

lilmisshope

Hi,

Thats ok i was just worried as i didnt want people thinking my child suffered as a result of how i am.

I went to counselling today as i do think i need it. She said that i seem to have a problem thats so deep i automatically still think that way. I dont take compliments and i seem to try and make everyone happy. I realized one thing today that made me feel like such a bad person. She said by me not wanting my bf to find other women attractive on tv or on porn its like im being controlling because im scared and also i can seem to understand how he can tell me im beautiful and sexy and yet look at others and find them attractive. She said its like when he looks at them i find it impossible to believe i can be attractive too. Like im scared if he sees someone else whos pretty he will lose sight of me,
I feel like a bad person i dont want to be a nasty person. I hate these feelings. Im hoping this counselling works because i cant live like this anymore. I fell like im such a self obsessed cow. I genuinely dont want to control him or hurt him in any way.

premierlass

Well done on going to counselling. It's a positive step. Do keep it up.

lilmisshope wrote: »

I feel like a bad person i dont want to be a nasty person. I hate these feelings. Im hoping this counselling works because i cant live like this anymore. I fell like im such a self obsessed cow. I genuinely dont want to control him or hurt him in any way.

I know the feeling; for so many years I thought I was the worst person in the world, and I didn't even know why. And it affects everything you do. Finding out why you feel that way is important.

She said that i seem to have a problem thats so deep i automatically still think that way.

Good luck. It'll be a hard road at first, but keep in mind the way your life will change for the better. And it will, I promise.

lilmisshope

premierlass wrote: »

Well done on going to counselling. It's a positive step. Do keep it up.



I know the feeling; for so many years I thought I was the worst person in the world, and I didn't even know why. And it affects everything you do. Finding out why you feel that way is important.



Good luck. It'll be a hard road at first, but keep in mind the way your life will change for the better. And it will, I promise.

thankyou so much when i posted here i half expected people to be nasty about the way i am but you have all been so nice and supportive , thankyou x

Taylor01

Many people have the problem of having low self esteem. It may be because they might not have good attention or encouragement during their young age. In order to overcome this nature one has to start thinking positively or can get themselves counseled so that it realizes where exactly they are lying behind.