What am I at?

LegacyUser

Not sure what I'm at here. My OH and I have been together for 8 years. Things have always been good up until the end of last year until he got laid off. Really cant deal with not working at all-goes quiet, sits in another room, wont talk...I tried to support him, but when someone refuses to talk, I dreaded coming home in the evenings. Anyway, basically at Xmas week, I was out with friends-one guy who has been friends with us-its like a common group of friends for about 4 years-well, I always got on really well with him-we ended up getting drunk and ended up in bed together.

I have never ever been unfaithful to my partner or indeed in any other relationship ever. Both of us felt bad about it-said it wouldnt happen again, but met him again a few weeks later...attraction very strong, worse than when we ended up together. Tried to stay away, but we socialise in the same circle, so I cant avoid him. Well, ended up with him again....swore that would be the end of it. But then my OH got work abroad for 6 weeks and the inevitable happened...again.

What scares me is I dont want to stop and I dont know why. I am not a bad person and cannot believe this has all happened. I hate myself for lying to him and all our friends. My OH came back and we went back to normal. Also this guy went away for 2months work abroad. But we have been txting all the time. He is coming home in 2 weeks and my OH is going away for work again at the same time. I'm can't seem to stop the attraction and its doing my head in. I know realistically that he was a way out of the **** that was going on at home, but I never thought it would come to this. How do you stop liking someone that you are going to be in the same company with time and time again?

smartypants

ok reading that gave me a sick feeling in the stomach because if I was in your partners situation, going through a very difficult time, forced to have to take work over seas and found out my partner was carrying on with someone, well it would crush me beyond repair. Also if and when this does come out, he is a friend, its not like he will disappear.

Now, why is it you are attracted to him? boredom? 8 year itch?
do you love your current partner, is he in your head when your shagging and doing god knows what to this other dude?
So it is clear this isnt just a drunken thing, you are consciously making plans to have sex with him again.

simply put either stop being a sneaky low life by taking advantage of your partners absence and give him some respect or break off with him

also

I hate myself for lying to him and all our friends.

does this give you consolation? OP cut the crap, this will explode in your face and ruin more than your relationship.

GoldCobra

once might be a mistake but repeated times with this person, you dont love him anymore, if you did you wouldn't be doing this. simple.
Come clean and tell him, its been six months now, you're living a lie.

LegacyUser

I know it looks like I dont love my OH, but I do....things were just going badly wrong for some months when this happened and no matter what I tried, I couldnt seem to make them right-I felt totally taken for granted and hurt. I'm not trying to justify my behaviour....I know it is wrong....but I've found myself in a situation where I've developed strong feelings for someone who was a friend....my problem is trying to get him out of my head

Overheal

You've gone well past the Grey Area: your Relationship with your boyfriend is over. It's become a friendship if anything. You owe it to him to break it off.

smartypants

sorry OP, if you wanted to put a stop to it you would. are you saying you cant control your own mind? thats crap. like it or not you are using your crappy relationship as an excuse.

if its not working out and you tried to make it work then walk away, dont make the man feel worse than the situation he is already in

if your feelings for your boyfriend arent strong enough to make you stop or to make you see how badly you are hurting and betraying him then guess what??

you dont love him as much as you think you do... fact!

chicken fingers

to the OP, please dont beat yourself up over this.
Its one of the most normal, natural things in the world.
Attraction changes over time.
In your eyes, perhaps your boyfriend has become emasculated as he is no longer a provider, and you have moved on to a more suitable man.

Its sad, yes, but you can't waste your life staying with a man who won't communicate with you.

neuro-praxis

Overheal wrote: »

You've gone well past the Grey Area: your Relationship with your boyfriend is over. It's become a friendship if anything. You owe it to him to break it off.

Er, what? A friendship? This is the opposite of a friendship.

OP you've destroyed your relationship by this betrayal. Either confess and hope that he will forgive you, or leave him. There is nothing else to do.

Neyite

It isn't a couple of random hookups behind your boyfriends back though, its an affair with his friend. You sleep with him every time you meet, you text constantly when he is not there. Its cheating, full stop.

If you really want to end it, then stop texting, and dont go out when you know he is there. Because you say that when you see him the 'inevitable' happens. There is nothing inevitable or fated about it. You both choose to shag. Nobody forces you. You keep in contact because you want to. If you want this to end, you simply have to end seeing/talking to him.

I would suggest that you come clean to your boyfriend, but your OP didnt discuss any of that so I suspect you dont want to, in which case telling you would be pointless.