How to be more interesting/respected

Insecure

This applies to relationships I have with most people. Work colleagues, partner's family and sometimes my partner.

I feel like people look down on me in a way, like they don't expect me to achieve anything, like they laugh behind my back. I am an intelligent person I think, I just don't think I have the confidence to make myself look worthy of anything. Just little things like, I passed my first aid course at work and a few girls at work (when drunk on a night out) said why would you choose her as a first aider, like I am useless. Then my father in law cut his hand open badly and my partner said, let her look at it, she is a qualified first aider, then his mum said, oooh you are a first aider? As if to say I am not intelligent enough to know how to dress a wound.

I have also been told by my boss that a few colleagues say I have not done certain things, when I know I have, and go to other staff to do stuff because they don't trust I will complete it. That is so unfair because I work hard and regularly get comments like "wow that was fast" etc.

I know it sounds daft but it is getting to me, how do I project myself as someone interesting? What kind of hobbies can I take up to make myself feel I have achieved something?

I am doing the Race for Life this weekend and get snidey comments off people saying I am unfit (I don't have a car and walk everywhere and am a normal size 10/12). Granted I don't run every day but I walk enough at the moment for me to be feeling it in my legs, more than any of those joking about me who drive to the frigging toilet.

Sorry for sounding petty, it is little things like this that drag me down and I just need some confidence boosting tips to make people look up to me and appreciate I am not some loser they can laugh at. I just need to blow my own trumpet more and gain some interests where I can say I am doing x and y. I just don't know where to start.

kingelmo

i kinda know where your coming from...

its the same with my family, everyone dotes on my sister because shes a doctor (apparently she's gods gift), my brother is now on the scene he's a pretty crafty designer and my relations got his to re-do their house and they havent stopped talking about him since...

for example (changing names ):
we were at a funeral a few weeks ago, and we were sympathising with my uncles wife who had lost her mother... Firstly we went up to shake hands and my aunts brother said to my mother "oh i wouldnt know any of your family now, introduce them to me".. so off my mother went.. oh this is Sarah she's a doctor, and thats Anthony he's a designer... And she walked away!!

AH HELLO??!?!?!? what about me???

Even my own family and relatives dote and love my brother and sister because they have brilliant jobs and sucessful. Even when im with my relations all they can talk about is my bro and sis, and ask when are they going to be here!!

I went into Office admin line of work and ok fair enough im still not dead set on what i want to do yet!! But i feel like i should be jumping through hoops to get them to notice me!!

Sorry OP, went on a bit of a rant there!!

but i here ya its soo annoying

squonk

Hi OP, Maybe you're just taking some of the negative comments to heart. What your mum in law said about you being a first aider mightn't have been meant as a 'how can that dozy woman be a first aider?'. It could have been a 'Oh I didn't know that, fair play to you!'. As for the girls, they might have been slagging you in a friendly way. I do that with my friends sometimes but it doesn't mean that I don't respect them. It means Im friendly with them and it's an implied contract that they know I'm not putting them down and I know I'm not trying to. Frankly I'd be the first to stand up if someone did hav a malicious go at them.

You can't be holding yourself responsible for other people's impressions of you. They will form those impressions based on their own viewpoints and how they see the world.

Be more assertive. It was very wrong of the person who told you you were unfit to say so. It's none of their business and, frankly, you shouldn't be bothering with a person like that. They're a bollox. If I got a comment like that I'd be right back with 'and why aren't you doing the race?'.

Maybe people see you as someone who won't fight back if they say something demeaning to you? Perhaps you should work on that, just be a little bit more assertive. Don't take it as far as being a bitch but stand your ground.

Each of us has had things said to us that weren't nice. Sometimes we've retorted but the worst times are when we are stuck for words or don't realise what's been said til afterwards. Those are the ones that stick with you. Put it this way though, the only opinion that matters to you is your opinion of yourself. If you get that part wright and are happy with yourself and not berating yourself too much, others will see you as being confident. Stop associating with people who belittle you. They are doing that only because they feel inadequate themselves and need someone to pick on.

As for the work thing, if people don't feel you finish things, then look at that. Ask why? sometimes it's possible to do a small thing fast but harder to tick all the boxes on a larger task. Do you get sidetracked easilly? Can you stay focused? Only you know what the answers to these questions are and can provide any solutions.

Insecure

kingelmo, I get that with my sister, she is 3 years younger than me with a fiance, house, gorgeous little son and I am touching 30 with a broken relationship, lost my house, car etc. Don't think that helps!

I was going through a tough time in work which may not have helped but people should appreciate that, I don't think I did anything particularly bad, I just think I work with back stabbing brown nosers, it seems the brown nosers are the ones who are listened to.

Anyway, maybe I do take things too seriously but it is only for a reason. I just want to change peoples opinions. I am even tempted to fake things until they change their views like, actually I did jog throughout the race. Yes I am a first aider, I spent 3 days learning intensively, did you? I just need to speak my mind, I know this. How do I speak out without sounding aggressive because at the moment I am so tense with everyone, I am scared I will look bad.

Distorted

I can only come to the conclusion that you are surrounded by a bunch of extremely negative people OP. I thought perhaps you were a bit slow at completing things at work but unaware of it but when you mentioned the Race for Life I was honestly very shocked that anyone could make such negative comments about it. I know loads of people, some quite unfit and overweight, who have done the Race for Life, and I know of no-one who has never had a negative comment said to them about it. Its only 5k FGS, and loads of people walk the whole way!

So I doubt very much its you and its them. I tend to be rather supercilious with such people - I don't get it a lot but I still get it from time to time because I am quite small built and young looking for my age. For instance, my boyfriend's mother, when I told her I was in line to win a triathlon series, because I was leading on points, said to me "You'll never do anything like that, don't set your hopes too high". I've also had comments about how someone with my build will not manage tough endurance events, which is completely stupid when the leading athletes weight next to nothing anyway.

Any sports psychologist will tell you this is projecting their own insecurities and failings onto others so they don't feel so bad themselves. I find the best way to deal with such people is to be very confident and say to them in quite a cutting way "Don't be so stupid" and refuse to engage with them otherwise.

Have a great run in the Race for Life!

Insecure

Thank you.

Yes I should feel proud, I have made over £100 already and still not finished, it is too easy for them idiots to make comments when I am setting off at 8.30 on Sunday morning when they will probably be sleeping off their hangovers.

Following your comment squonk, yes they know I won't answer back, that is my problem. I just want to be able to do that because I am sick of being belittled no matter what I do. I get emotional thinking of what I am doing, knowing I am saving lives yet I still get morons putting me down. I am going to jog at least half of the way then I can feel proud for myself and stuff what they think.

Humans can be so hurtful, there is just no need.

Neyite

I think that your silence on the issue needs to change if you are to make any headway. You dont need to be confrontational or agressive, in fact you will gain far more respect if you respond with a level tone of voice.

You can structure your response in a couple of ways:

Be a bit obtuse if they ask you do you not think you are a bit unfit for the Race for Life. Take it as if its a serious question and respond, saying that you found it challenging at the beginning of your training but now you are getting much fitter its very enjoyable to you.
or
or you could make it kind of a joke rebuke:
Grin "did you just call me unfit?, seriously what kind of person says that??

or make them repeat the insult. "excuse me, care to repeat that?" (again in a nice, light tone of voice, works wonders)

On the inlaws - the same "yeah, Im a qualified first aider, dont worry, I wont charge you for the first consultation"

boarddotie

I have a friend and my own mother reacts the same way as your family do to you. Like when my mother asks me about my friend and I tell her she has done x or y my mother reacts in shock, as if for some strange reason that wasnt expected of my friend at all. I dont know what it is or where it has come from but some people just have low expectations of certain people-I dunno why/what causes this...

I am sorry you feel this way OP and wish I could offer more advice

Kevin Duffy

Hi OP, I'm not sure that what you want to do is change how people see you, but rather how you see yourself. Well done you for the FA course and the Race For Life, be proud of yourself for doing them. Keep seeking new challenges too.
It may pay off for you if you realise that the people least likely to give you respect for them are always going to be that way; whatever inadequecy they have is made worse by being forced to reflect on it when you achieve something they couldn't, whatever unhappiness they feel will not allow them to be happy for you, whatever cynicism they have sours them and they can't celebrate anyone else's successes. Those people will always be around.
The trick, I find, is to tune out most of what they have to say and look for better people to listen to. I value the opinions of some wonderful people, I smile and nod at the empty vessels.
I also set my own targets and definitions for success, then I go for them. They sometimes represent measurable, demonstrable success to other people, but more often than not they only mean something to me - that's the way I like it and I can feel proud and happy of my successes without letting someone else try to dent it.

HTH and the best of luck to you.