Ex-girlfriend breaking off contact after marriage

LegacyUser

Hello

I would like to get people thoughts on the following: Sorry that it’s so long!
I have found out recently that my ex-girlfriend has got married. We were together for about one year and broke up about 8 years ago. I was quite upset at the time, as it was her decision to leave me. Nevertheless we managed to keep in touch over the years (we’d email each other a couple of time a year or so) to let each know what was happening in our lives (i.e. with family, relationships, careers, travelling, etc.). I haven’t met her in person in all this time since she lives abroad. Our talks over the years have been relatively pleasant with no major conflicts—in fact, she once said it would be great to meet in person again some day.

I replied to the last of these emails about 2 years ago and never received a reply. Recently I discovered via a social networking site that she got married, and, not long afterwards, a friend of mine (who is friends with her also) emailed me to confirm this. At the time, I was quite surprised to find this out, and I wondered why she never bothered to tell me.
Anyway, I left it for about 3 weeks before emailing her. In the email—I kept it quite short and brief—I told her I found out about her marriage, congratulated her, and asked who the husband was. I also asked her some other general questions about her life regarding work and travel. I received a reply the following day and was shocked. It said the following: thanks for the good wishes, my husband and I have broken off contacts from previous relationships and that is why I’m removing you from my social networking sites; hope you’re well, all the best!

I replied by saying what I thought: I said I was very surprised and saddened to hear this and found her email cold, abrupt and insensitive. In response she said she wanted to be clear and frank and didn’t see anything cold or insensitive.

I’m just wondering what other people think. Am I unreasonable here? Do people sometimes cut-off contact like this when they get married? Do you think her email was cold and in insensitive? All I can say is I found it so and feel hurt as a result.
Thank you for reading!

seamus

I would to a certain extent say you're being unreasonable, but only because this girl is one from a shortish (a year is short) relationship which died 8 years ago, and you hadn't been in contact with her in two years.

So it's fair to say that neither of you considered the other to be a close or important friend.

I find it hard to see why you are "hurt" that someone whom you never speak to and aren't close to any longer, has decided to cut contact. From the content of her mail, she clearly bears no ill will or dislike for you. Herself and her husband have clearly come to some kind of agreement in their relationship about cutting contact with old ex's, so this is what she's done.

That's certainly an odd thing to do, but I wouldn't consider it a reason to be personally offended or hurt. You are an ex of hers, not a good friend or old buddy.

I think you're making too much of it. If you hadn't discovered recently that she'd gotten married, would you have gotten in touch with her in the next two years? I'm willing to bet that no, you wouldn't. So how is not being in contact with her now any different?

Abi

There is really nothing you can do about this. I know it seems unfair to you, but she is now a married woman and a life to get on with. You said that she ended things with you. Can you rule out that you might still be a bit hung up on her, and this is why it hurts? She may feel that you are, and that it may be inappropriate to keep contact as a result.

Dark Phoenix

I don't buy into the exes as friends philosophy especially if one person is still single because I have found in most cases one person usually still has feelings of some sort for the other. An ex is an ex and unless there are kids involved there is nto reason to need to stay in contact. I would be unhappy if my boyfriend let alone husband was still in contact with exes via social network or email and I know he would feel the same.

She dumped you and years later you are put out by her not wanting to be friends do you still have any feelings for her? if not why not just move on?

All about Eve

To me it just sounds like she is taking her marriage vows seriously. No point in keeping up with exes I think. I certainly wouldnt be emailing an ex.
It would be different if you were in her circle of friends still and she just started ignoring you. But letters and emails to exes you dont see, personally i cant see the point. unless of course your secretly carrying a torch.

LegacyUser

I think this is really none of your business, she is your ex and does not wish to remain in contact with you. The fact that you are upset about this shows you still have feelings deeper than friendship for this woman, so she was probably right to break contact.

Peanut2011

For God Sake OP, MOVE ON!

It was a short relationship over 8 years ago. Why are you still clinging on??

Clearly she does not want you in her life in any way, you just need to accept that and move on. End of the story.

LegacyUser

Unless you guys were close friends, then I'd let it go.

I've an ex who I speak with on the phone every couple of months and we stay in touch by email too.

We visit each other every couple of years (she lives abroad).

Now, if she decided to call it a day, I would be upset due to the fact that we're close. I don't hold a torch and neither does she.

I do think though that it's a bit ridiculous to break off all contacts with previous partners - or maybe, she just didn't see the point in continuing to communicate with you as you weren't that close anyway.

The odd time I think about someone I used to like - then I cop on thinking "man, she's not thinking about you like this"

implausible

I'll agree that an arrangement to break off all contact with exes is a bit unusual. However, it was 8 years ago and only a year-long relationship, so it's none of your business really and you shouldn't be bothered by it as it isn't affecting your life in any way.

zxcvbnm1

I thinhk she did you a favour.

I reckon you definitely still fancy her - and maintaining contact like that for 8 years when you still fancy someone and they don't fancy you back is madness.

You shoudl have moved on long ago.

At least now she is forcing you to.

Starokan

its sad that your feeling bad over this but to fair to your ex she has done nothing wrong. Her and her husband have obviously decided that this is something they wish to do. It could be a joint decision or perhaps one of them feels more strongly about it but its not a bad decision as contacts with exes can be detrimental to a marriage.

Also facebook and other social networking sites seem to cause many a married couple problems so i can see why they would delete exes off these as well.

You were not in very regular contact so i would say wish them well in your mind and put this out of your head. Its not personal its just something they decided to do

Distorted

Its actually quite rare to stay friends with exs (particularly short relationships years ago), particularly when you don't move in the same social circles any more. She might have found your continued contact slightly intrusive or controlling of late (I find your finding out about her marriage and further snooping a tad obsessive and disrespectful of her personal boundaries). Or perhaps she just doesn't have the time to write you informative emails any more. Life moves on, and I think its time for you to do so. Treasure the good memories and don't hold any grudges.

ManOfMystery

I think you're being a tad unreasonable OP.

I was in an almost identical situation. I had a gf about 9 years ago - like yourself, we went out for a short period (just under a year). I haven't seen her since then but for a few years after we broke up we did swap a couple of emails every 4 or 5 months.

If she got married tomorrow (or indeed, if she is already married) I would feel absolutely no annoyance if she did not include me in the list of people she would tell. And if she didn't want to get in touch again with me because of said marriage, that's her perogative. Personally, I am getting married next year and she's not on my list of people who need to know about it.

You had a short relationship a long time ago, you're not close friends now, and you only get in touch once every blue moon - I really can't see why you're getting annoyed about this unless you have stronger feelings than you're actually admitting.

LegacyUser

I'm a newlywed and I asked my husband to delete some of his exes on facebook. He is one of those people with 100s of "friends" and when I started going out with him I didn't understand why he was "friends" with women he hadn't seen for years. I think he liked the thing of having LOADS of friends more than actually keeping in touch but it annoyed me that he'd want to maintain any contact with them, even the superficial nature of Facebook "friendship". So he deleted them.
Being married is a whole new start to a relationship. I didn't expect it to feel so different but it does. Its a major committment to make and contact with exes forms no part of it. I also don't get the "exes can stay friends" thing, IME its a sop from the person who wants to break up to ease the horrible thing they are doing.

JonathanAnon

I think the fact that they would break off all contact with anybody they have had a relationship with previously shows insecurity on both their parts.. However, sending the email saying that she was cold was just petty... She wished you the best and basically asked you to leave her alone cos she was married, and you should have recpected her wishes..

And it's not like you were meeting up as friends every week in the eight years previous to her request... I dont know why you are tinkering with this, she's gone... just leave her alone, and stopping wrecking your head and hers..

Moomoo1

yeah, that's a very insecure thing to do on her part. Doesn't matter if you email each other every two days or every two years, you were still in touch and she has treated you very badly.

I've been married for 5 years, but if one of my female friends acted in this way I'd be very hurt indeed.

LegacyUser

Thank you everybody for your comments and opinion.

I know it’s best to leave it alone and it’s what I’m going to do.
Just to clarify a couple of things though: what hurt me most was the abrupt impersonal tone of the message itself rather that her breaking off ties itself. If the message was expressed more considerably, however, I’d be less upset and more understanding. I’m a bit surprised to hear so many people to say I’m shouldn’t be “upset”; on the contrary, I couldn’t imagine many people been completely impervious to such a reply (even if they weren’t in regular contact, or perhaps not even ever involved in a romantic relationship with the person). Maybe that’s just me though.

Anyway, I’m not going to pursuit the issue any further with her, since, as most people have thought here, it’s probably best.

Thanks again for your helpful remarks.

LegacyUser

Ive been in realtionships where the person i loved was still friends with their ex,i found it too akward,infact i suspected they where closer than i suspected.

Just forget her and move on with your own life op,i too was in the similar situation,an ex broke up with me,never contacted after that,and i too came across her social network being married with the photos on the page,some people are cruel but so is life at times..

booboo88

so the jist is, you havent spoken in two years, she got married and never told you and you broke up 8 years ago? oh you just some like bossom buddies:rolleyes: its time to move on

Moomoo1

booboo88 wrote: »

so the jist is, you havent spoken in two years, she got married and never told you and you broke up 8 years ago? oh you just some like bossom buddies:rolleyes: its time to move on

Not speaking in two years doesn't mean anything... there are some people that I don't speak to for very long periods of time (usually months on end, but sometimes years), but it would still hurt me a lot if they told me they didn't want to speak to me.

flutterflye

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

I don't buy into the exes as friends philosophy

I am married, and myself and my husband are both friends with one of my ex's.
No hard feelings from any side.

Regarding op, I don't really see why it would cause you to bat an eyelid, after the initial blow of course.

You haven't seen each other in years, didn't seem particularly close in the years that you spoke online, and were not even together for a long time anyway.

If it were me, I think that I would initially feel a bit miffed, and probably a bit offended.
But I'd forget about it after an hour or two.

Whatever reason she has for breaking contact is her business really, and you will just have to respect and accept that, and add her to the list of people you used to be friends with.

She was decent enough to be honest, and it doesn't sound like anything personal.

Don't give it another thought.
She has moved on, you should too.