My past is haunting me!

LegacyUser

This is a long one so bear with me!

As a child I was severely bullied in primary school forum about 7 years of age straight through to 13 when I finished up there. On and off through my time there I suffered quite badly in terms of abuse (nothing ever sexual though thank god!) and much of this came from the other children however the staff bullied me too and looking back it was in no way fair.

As a boy I was quite bright and this quite often was the cause of jealousy by other pupils and I also come from a successful and well off family which would have played a small part. I angered my teachers alot by refusing to learn Irish and Religion both of which even at that early age I could see as of no interest to me. I had many physical fights where I attacked the teachers in particular the male headmaster whom I despised, as a result of these and many other fights in the school yard I was suspended from the school many times. When I was bullied I would tell the teachers and nothing would be done, I quite often then would deliver my own attempt at justice which resulted in me always getting in trouble and the bullies getting away with it.

Many parent teacher meetings were held and I was taken to numerous shrinks and tested, however when I reached twelve and 13 I was well in the throes of puberty and really belonged in 1st year of secondary school, however I started school a year late due to my grandmothers constant meddling in my parents life of how to raise children.

I was quite overweight and well able to handle myself physically which resulted in many unfair thrashings for the younger and smaller children who would bully me, and in their eyes I also was a bully. Discipline in the school was non-existent really and it revolved at sending the kids home from school, (I was always sent home whilst the others were not regardless of who started the yard fight).

The school itself was a quite a small typical Irish rural school with around 90 pupils and as a result I had no friends in school and would spend most of my lunch breaks playing computer games on the old gateway computer and the only normality I had was quite often the younger boys of around 7 to 9 would want me to join in their football games because I was older bigger and whosoever team I played on would always win!

One particular day we were playing soccer and I scored the goal which won the game and was subsequently given a typical kicking and beating by the other kids, I was suspended and the Roman Catholic Church stuck their noses in, subsequently I was sent for multiple sessions of counselling to "the Brothers of Charity" whom I despised, then I was drugged with anti-depressants for six months and have no recollection of much of that time, my aunt came home to Ireland on holiday and stopped my parents from doing this to me when she discovered I spent most of my time playing video games and acting like a zombie bloated out from steroids as I was a chronic asthmatic at the time. I really love my aunt for this and think she saved me from god knows what really.

My weight was the source of much of the bullying in primary school too, I was stopped from playing sports by the headmaster when I got sent off for abusing the referee in GAA, thus I took part in none of the normal social activities my peers were engaged in. I lived in a one off house in the country so had no contact with other children outside school and this also effected my development.

As I was quite a bright student I choose to go to a different secondary school to the one all my local classmates went to and I knew absolutely no-one there, from day one I was uncomfortable there and from GAA and other contacts the other students had found out I was the "mad child" in my local primary school, thus I was as alienated as ever and made no friends and with my refusal to study Irish I attracted the ire of teachers there. Then the bullying started again but this time with other older kids and I was unable to defend myself and just took it, name calling jibes and my own insecurity led to my truancy, I started missing days, leading to conflict with my teachers and I eventually stopped going full stop.

This lead to more evaluations, psychoanalysed, IQ tests and the like, however I refused to go to school as I couldn't take it anymore. Getting bored at home I then decided I'd give it a shot and moved to the school where my former tormentors had gone to as the local town had two secondary schools at the time. Bizarrely I fitted in and made friends with other new kids I had not encountered before, I was a novelty having moved over to them and the teachers liked me because of it as this school was a school more noted for rural pupils with a hands on approach attracting farmers sons where the one I had come from attracted townies and solicitors sons and my first school had no practical subjects such as metal or woodwork, this was a decade ago at the start of the property bubble and their was huge emphasis on becoming a tradesman as a career.

I settled in well and got into minor trouble of the normal kind but all in things were good and that was how it went, however then the school holidays arrived and I fell back into my old solitary routine and didn't see most of my new found friends for the old summer living in the arse end of nowhere with parents who would never facilitate eg. driving me anywhere or letting me just hang around normally being over protective due to my troubles in primary school.

Then in the autumn the two schools amalgamated into a new school built on the site of my first school and I had to deal with a lot of my older teachers. It didn't work and I dropped out; I was now finished school and despite a brief return in 3rd year to attempt to go back for my Junior Cert that was it. I had no friends I had nothing and the story of life continued. I begged and pleaded with my parents once again to send me to a private boarding school and they refused; I had tried this idea earlier with my therapists when I was in primary school as I wanted to be removed from it also and go to a private boarding school in England but my parents refused as I had to get my Catholic Confirmation and the idea of paying to go to school with protestants was quickly stamped out, my Roald Dahl books had prompted the idea and a fledgling dial-up internet connection allowed me as a precocious twelve year old to research it.

However the headmaster and the catholic priest shocked at the idea of losing me to a protestant school unduly influenced my parents decision I think because when my father and I went over there to look at it and I announced in school I was leaving for the UK Principal and Priest arrived to the house to put a stop to it. My grandmother also weighed in and my own mother would never go against a priest and thus I remained in my current school.

Today I am in my mid twenties with absolutely no friends and a real hatred of the world, myself and others. I never had any relationships with women and wouldn't know where to begin. I am unemployable having no degrees or qualifications of anykind, I tried to do a PLC course a few years ago but the anxiety of anything to do with school stopped it after one day of attending, I can't mix with people as I am afraid of getting hurt and not being accepted or they thinking I am some kind of freak, I am still overweight but nothing like when I was a kid. I have zero self confidence and very low self esteem, I don't try anything new as I have become so accustomed to failure and the resulting feelings of hatred I have of myself then. I hate most things Irish and am ashamed of myself to be Irish, often thinking of if I was anywhere else how much better my life would be and how I'd be "normal".

My childhood haunts me and not a day goes by when I am not back there living it over and over again. This year I got in a spot of bother with the police (traffic problem) and even though I was totally in the right I ended up getting badly wronged. I felt powerless and had no one to stand up for me, I wanted to go lashout like I did as a child but was able to control it, however It was like I was back there all over again as a small boy totally trampled upon and feeling like a tiny meaningless speck.

I normally can't sleep by night due to these issues until I am totally exhausted and often fall asleep at like 4 to 7am sleeping well into the day, I have nothing to do in the day and I whittle away most of my time on the internet (I'm going anon here but am a major poster to boards!), I watch TV several hours a day and am a reclusive person, the one job I had I quit it after a few weeks as I couldn't handle the pressure as I can't make friends and am unsociable, I treat everyone with suspicion having been hurt so often in the past. This led to me quitting my job and going back on the dole. I still live at home with parents and my relationship with them can be rocky but we get along; they know how destroyed my life has become and I know if they could change the past they would.

I love to travel and it is such a relief from my life to getaway from my horrible life in Ireland and I spent most of money on travel plus some help from my parents; having something to look forward to like my next trip abroad or a big football match really keeps me going. I recently went to my GP for some sleeping pills as my supply I picked up in Asia had run out, as I often pop a sleeping tablet to get to sleep at night as otherwise I'd just lie there re-living the nightmares.

My GP refused to give them to me and I left saying I just had some trouble sleeping etc. and instead she started interrogating me questioning if I was depressed or suicidal, which I'm not - It is not possible to be depressed for a decade and anyways I have had some great moments in my life like seeing my team win and meeting some famous people. I actually love life just wish mine had turned out differently and whilst suicide is something I have often thought about I could never do it to my parents or my family plus no matter how bad my life is it is could be so much worse compared to other people; I don't really believe in religion but I do believe in the afterlife so I know I'll just have to put up with my lot here until I die an old man in my 80's or whatever. I absolutely hate the Catholic church though and this often causes friction with my parents.

I visited my GP again last week as I was wrecked tired from not sleeping properly and she was not there and I met her replacement who was so much more personable and I kind of spilled my guts on my whole story here and she was so nice and it kinda felt like for once someone understood my pain and was taking my side; she recommended counselling which I might decide upon but just during that brief discussion with her I know I can never move forward until I confront the past and I am now thinking deeply about something I have often thought about which would be to confront those who failed to protect me and get my revenge upon them with a lawsuit and let the world know how I suffered and how the various peoples and institutions failed me and how they impacted my life, It would be about them admitting they were wrong and how I was wronged. Money wouldn't even come into it as if I could have acknowledgement of what was done to me I believe it would help banish the 13year old boy inside me which is still hurting.

Sorry for the long post and thank you if you read this!

GoldenTickets

Just read all of that and (assuming it's for real) I have to say that it's time for you to take some responsibility.

You used to attack teachers and you're surprised you were ostracised in school? Why would anybody want to be friends with such an obvious troublemaker? It seems from your post that you're determined to blame all of your troubles on somebody else (your parents, other children, teachers, the church, Ireland...) but you have never taken responsibility yourself for anything you've done. That's incredible to me.

Your post reeks of self-pity but you haven't said one thing about any effort you made to change your situation other than trying to move to another idealised school in the UK (something which I doubt would have changed your situation one bit).

If you hate Ireland so much simply leave, I think it would be very good for you. Go and find your happy place, you'll never get it living with your parents, there's too much resentment there on your part. I think counselling would be great aswell. As for exacting revenge and looking for apologies, you're barking up the wrong tree, you're never going to get either.

Put it behind you and move on. You're allowing the past to trap you, and you're the only person who can put a stop to that.

Abi

OP, firstly I'm sorry to hear all of what you've gone through. It was quite a long post, which I'd imagine was upsetting to write. Theres quite a lot in there, and it reads as though it was written by someone a lot older than you. The references to the Catholic priest coming to your home etc., and their involvement in general. It strikes me that you'd very old fashioned catholic parents, which I imagine has gone against your struggle for contentment as a child. It must have been a very lonely time for you also, because it seems to me you didn't really have anyone you could turn to, and must have felt quite trapped.

Your post was truly shocking. I'm afraid the only thing that I can advise you is to do as the doctor said and seek counselling. You really need to talk, you've so much stuff to get off your chest. I think that you will be stuck in the past and unable to move on with your life until you address all you've gone through.

Another thing, if you feel a doctor doesn't understand the severity of your problem, you seek another opinion. It's understandable given what you've said that you are unable to sleep.

Do get counselling, don't just think about it - do it. You will be glad that you did in the long run, you will finally be able to get on your life. Not doing it is not an option, as your past seems to be crippling you.


Best of luck OP.

robman60

School can be tough for many people, but yours seems to have been particularly tough. You may have been treated poorly, but it's important for you to recognise that some of this is your own fault. I know, subjects like religion might seem a bit irrelevant, but the teacher's frustration is understandable if the Department of Education insist that these subjects are taught.

Throughout your post, a certain element of self-pity was always clear. You may have been severly misunderstood throughout your life, but much of this was your own fault. You just have to try and forget the past and stop feeling victimised. This could be done through counselling, or by yourself, but counselling is probably an easier route.

Emigration might be a good idea. You'll be given a whole new start, which seems to be what you're searching for. Job prospects might also be better, depending on what country you go to.


I really can understand your grievances, OP, but you just have to get on with life. I wish you the best of luck.

Taltos

I would also suggest counselling.
But - would you consider maybe also having a complete break from where you live?
Why not move elsewhere and start a new life - the one you want?
There is nothing to stop you finishing your schooling and attending college - nothing that is except for you.

Work through your demons - but as the poster above said - you may have to be open to taking responsibility. Lashing out at anyone - even in self defense is not great.
Who knows - maybe you have a medical condition - I mean being so adamant so young that you would not learn Irish or study Religion - to the extent that you alienated yourself - well while I can see where you were coming from - this was not an intelligent choice if you wanted to just fit in... Don't want to say what it could be as that would be a diagnosis which we are not allowed do... A

So please - yes talk to someone - be open to being responsible for your own choices - but more importantly - don't let your past choices or life define who you are now - you can still change - and I would recommend you do so now before you become so trapped in your own head that nothing will help you move on and be happy...

Neyite

OP, I was bullied throughout primary and from time to time in secondary, so I dont underestimate your trauma whatsoever. But by the sounds of it, some of it came as a result of your behaviour - Attacking teachers??
However, you know how the bullying marked you to this day, but I dont see a shred of remorse from your post when you bullied others. Can you acknowledge their trauma and accept your part in it? You were not just bullied, you were a bully yourself. On occasion I lashed out too as a child, partly just passing on what had been dealt to me, but it never sat right with me to continue, but it is a normal enough reaction.

I shared a lot of similar feelings right through to adulthood, the helplessness, anger, and playing the victim the whole time, with disasterous relationships that were never my fault. Counselling really sorted me out. I am truly a different person, happy, assertive, calm, and studying on my own for a qualification, in a great relationship with the promise of a wonderful future with a man who would not have gone near the old angry me. Even if you dont see it, the anger you hold inside from the past is what is preventing you from living your life to its fullest.

Give counselling a shot - what have you to lose?

OP, it's totally understandable that you feel wronged. You've come across some very difficult and insensitive people in your life, people who could have helped you become a happier person, but who instead neglected and ignored you.

However, your life is not a collection of other people's mistakes. You need to realise that you have had some part in getting to the situation you're in. That your life is your life, and where you go from here is no one else's fault. You need to take responsibility for where you are. For example, the amount of people who use Irish/Religion after school is negligible to the amount of people who are made to study it. The rest of us didn't study it because we wanted to, nor did we study it because we thought it would be useful; we studied it because we had to in order to do well in school/get into college. Most people, like you, "realise" that they're not going to be useful in life. But we also realise that even though they're not useful for life, or even what we want to study in college, they are useful for being a good student and fulfilling the requirements in school. To refuse to study them is not to be enlightened or smarter than anyone else, it just means you were being purposely disobedient and putting teachers in a position whereby they couldn't fulfill their job description. You were ruining your own chances at excelling, and that's no one else's fault.

You bullied people. You attacked teachers. No one made you do it. You purposely put yourself in positions where the only result would be trouble for you. You need to see that just because you felt provoked, these things were still your fault.

I do agree that you need closure. You need to speak to the people who didn't help you or try to understand your reasons back then. But before you can ever get closure for the ways in which people wronged you, you MUST first come to terms with the things which were no one else's fault. You have to take responsibility for your own actions before you go asking for other people to take responsibility. And when you finally look for that closure from others, it should come in the form of conversation and acceptance, not in the form of a lawsuit. Trust me, you're in no position to be suing people, and even if you did manage it, a court ordered apology is not going to fix anything.

Little Acorn

I don't think the OP was bullied because he attacked teachers.
I think he attacked teachers partly because of the pent up rage and frustration he felt as a result of being severely bullied for years, and of nobody helping him.
He should not have done it, but he was a young bullying victim who's emotions must have been all over the place and he lashed out as a result.
He also said that he tried to get teacher's help but nobody listened, so he lashed out at the bullies as a way of standing up for himself when they picked on him, but that they never got into any trouble for starting it.
Look, I think you know that you should not have got so physical with violence OP, but I can kind of see your reasons. I think you had a lot of pent up rage, and simply couldn't control your violent outbursts in your youth, but I would hope that you can control them somewhat better now.
I think you should definitely try some counselling OP. You obviously are still carrying all this hurt and resentment,and it seems to be hindering your progress in life.
Aswell as speaking in depth about your past with a counsellor, there are also behavior specialist counsellors who might be able to help you get over some of the social anxiety you described, such as not being able to mix with people and worrying that they think bad of you. They could also help you overcome your fear of classroom type environments.
After you have attended many sessions and are in a healthier happier frame of mind, from then on it is up to you what direction your life takes.
You are literally the master of your own destiny cliche as it might sound.
If gaining an education is what you are interested in, then sit down and do some research for a few weeks, about what exact subject areas and job types really interest and appeal to you.
Research the entry routes to these courses, and find out what financial help you may be eligible for such as BTEA or grants.
If you are still really not happy here, then research what prospects there are in colleges in the UK or elewhere, or else do a year here in Ireland and then transfer if you still want to.
I personally don't think that running away from your problems is going to solve anything though, that hurt and rage could surface again nomatter what country you are in.
I think you should see it as a ladder you have to climb. At the minute you are in a dark area and are very unhappy with many aspects and want to get out of there.
The first rung of the ladder you climb is seeking counselling.
Each rung is an empowering step for yourself. You are in control of your own life. You decide what each next rung/step of the ladder will be. It might be smaller things like joining a hobby or sport club you are interested in to make friends, or bigger things like starting a college course you love.
You decide what is at the top, be that finally getting a job in a country you love, or whatever you feel is your ultimate goal.
It will be serious hard work, and there might be aspects of a counselling session or college course that you see as pointless, but they WILL need to done to achieve full success.
I would not trouble yourself with thoughts of meeting a woman for the time being.
Get yourself sorted first, and then these things tend to happen naturally once you are in a good place in your life.
The counselling is imo essential to kickstart these positive changes in your life.
Give it good time to work, and if you are dissatisfied then shop around and get a new one. Just like with doctors, some may suit you better than others.
I am not really in favour of the lawsuit idea, as I think all it would prove to those people is that you are still a very angry individual.
I think the best revenge you could get is achieving your life goals, and telling them how well you have done for yourself the next time you meet them.
I actually think they would be happy for you. You could speak to them about how you feel you were let down, and they might even apologise.
It is up to yourself how you handle that though.
Good luck in everything OP. I wish you the best, and hope you find your happiness in the near future.:)

booboo88

first of all, bullying is one of the toughest situations to be in, i myself was bullying, but blaming how crap ( how it seems to me) yor life has turned out on the bullying is nothing short of ridiculous. its your life, you have to start taking responsibilty for your own life. no one is gonna improve your life only you.
how exactly are you gonna take your revenge on the ppl who did exactly the same to you as you did to them?

LegacyUser

Hi man,
I actually read all through that (very long) and I'll be honest. You sound like a friend of mine, not exactly the same story but a lot of parallels.

I feel it will be hard to get through to you but since I really feel things are difficult for you and know how difficult my friends life has been, I'll try my best...

This will be hard to accept but you have a really big victims mentality. I just have to tell you, life is not always fair, infact, a great deal of it, is not fair at all... but you have to get on with it. There will always be people you won't get along with or who aren't trustworthy but instead of lashing out, you have to just ignore them and try to trust those who haven't given you a reason not to.

Just to tell a story. The friend I am talking about (J) is someone who was introduced to me by a good friend of mine (C),. We became friends because he is a neighbor of C who has known him a long time. He also dropped pout of school as he just didnt get on with teachers or any students. Its took C a long time for J to come and meet me and ourr other friends, he doesn't trust people. Since J knows that C is a good guy he finally agreed to meet us and despite him being very skeptical, over time, he finally accepted us as friends.
This wasn't easy, he put ourselves out a lot, as C really wanted us to do us this favour and try to be his friend. J just didnt trust us and was very secretive, and didnt like to interact. Over time though, he loosened up, I guess, realising we had known him a long while and not given him any reason to distrust us as we were trying hard.
To be honest, he had a lot of weird behaviours and tenancies in public and still does, but we accept him as we know he is a good guy at heart but just doesn;t interact with others well.
We understand him and we know he finds it difficult to make friends and interact with people but being truely honest, a lot of it is his own fault, he distrusts people without giving them a chance, he doesn't work as he finds it hard to mix with people.


I'm just telling you this to try and get the point across that with him, a lot of it is just in his head and his perception of the world. I feel you are the same.
When you meet someone new, you need to take them at face value until there is any reason not to trust them. You did say you had one job. Work is work. Nobody loves their job and everyone at it, but we get on with it, as well... it just has to be done. If there is any way you might find some sort of job again, please do it, take your co-workers on face value and just try your best, you might hate it, but tell yourself how good it feels to be earning money and contributing. You are a smart guy... take pride in being the best at your job, whatever it is, that it could be.

If you can't find work, why not just try to get into courses... try night courses, fas courses... maybe there is a way to get into Uni as a mature student, I dont know what options you have but just try it.... the best thing about that, is that its not like school... YOU choose what YOU want to study so you can do what you like and eventually it might help you get work which you might be interested in.

I know this just sounds like stuff you might have heard over and over again, its stuff I try to tell my friend and while he goes so far, he just never goes through with things 100%.

You are in your 20's. You have your entire life ahead. In reality, I hated school too and I never liked many of my classmates but I'm lucky I had a few who were good friends. Thats what everyone is like really. Sometimes it seems like there are people everyone is friends with in school but it never lasts once you leave and enter the real world.


Anyway, look, I feel I'm rambling, there is so much in your post, I can't really talk about everything but just try this.
Even if you hate it.... just try this... try to get work... if not, try to get a course or a college course... and just try to put into your head that there is no reason to not trust those you encounter unless they give a REAL reason not to....
Truth is, sometimes you will find people you can't trust, most people are just fine and everyone really only has just a few core friends they can depend on anything for but they aren't all out to get you...
Just try man... don't feel everyone is out to get you, just accept that life is full of misunderstanding, disagreements and people with different viewpoints but its no reason to hate the world.... just try to find a purpose, work or college, maybe you'll meet a few trustworthy people you can depends on as friends....

Isn't that better than what you describe now? Worst case? You don't meet friend... then feck it, at least you tried, and its no worse than your situation now.... best case... things begin to look up...
just try man, I think you sound good at heart but just have a poor perception of people, its worth it to just give things and try.