Older stillborn sister

Kenziemrm95

My older sister, Julia, was a stillborn and would have been about a year older than me. I have a 3 year old brother who is 12 years younger than me. I love my brother, but I have been thinking about Julia a lot lately and had a dream about her as the age she would be now. I really want an older sibling who I can talk to and spend time with. It was always hard being an only child and I dont quite connect with my brother because he doesnt really talk and he likes to play by himself most of the time.

robman60

It's a tough thing to hear, so I'm sorry it's something you had to face. It's only natural that you'd think about it and feel upset about it, and probably the worst part is wondering what they would be doing now.

I'm actually the same age as you, and I feel quite distant from my siblings too, but you could still play with your little brother, even if he is a lot younger than you.

premierlass

I'm sorry. My older sister was stillborn as well, and though I have other siblings I still think about her and go to the place she's buried sometimes.

Have you tried talking to your parents about her? They might be happy to know that you think about her and want to share their memories.

Kenziemrm95

I am so sorry for your loss. It's good to know im not alone, though. I have talked to my mom about it but I feel that I am making her sad, though she doesn't cry about it. Thank you for your advice robman60 and premierlass.

premierlass

Thank you.

I understand, my mother was the same, but as time went on she opened up a bit more.

I agree with robman that as your brother grows older you may well become closer in spite of the age gap.

My sister would have been about 20 months older than me. I've wondered lately if things would have been easier if I had had a big sister to look out for me. There were a few years between me and my older brother and I had to fight my own battles and to watch over my younger sister.

I wonder if it would help to write out what you feel. It's hard to know how to feel about something like this because you're not mourning the sister you knew, you're mourning the sister she could have been.

ConTheCat

Hey, just found this section on boards.
I had a stillborn sister aswell, I always wonder about her and if I had her to talk to and everything.
But sometimes I think, maybe I wouldn't of been born if she were here I've been tempted to ask my mother but know she won't say I was only a "rebound"

premierlass

Con, I sometimes had that thought too. Maybe I wouldn't be here, or maybe my younger sister wouldn't. But life changes and rarely runs according to plan. I know my mother doesn't regret that I was born; I like to think that my appearance was a comfort after what happened. I have a feeling your mother would say something similar if you asked.

pencilsharp

I had a brother who was born and only lived for an hour. He would be six years older than me. My mam and dad won't talk about it, the little I know I've learnt from aunts but they are reluctant to talk about it either, there was a lot of other things going on around the same time so its hards for them to think about it. I often wonder if he'd lived whether our life would be completely different-would my younger brother and sister have been born? Would we have stayed in the house we used to live in (we moved when I was 5, but I don't know if they would have had the finances to move if Kevin was alive)? Would my relationship with my mam be better (mam suffers with anxiety and depression ever since my brother died and its lead to a strained relationship between us)?

I know my mam recently requested her medical notes from when my brother was born, but she won't show them to me. And I've no reason why she wated them.

Her relationship with my younger brother is so strong, I think because he is a boy and, maybe not replaced, but made it easier for her to get over my brothers death. I don't resent this at all but I just wish she would talk to us.

LegacyUser

I too have an older brother and a younger sister that I never got the chance to meet. I have one younger brother too. My Mum told me a few years ago and most of the time I'm fine but sometimes the whole thing upsets me so much. I should have had double the amount of children in our family and I just feel so ripped off sometimes.

I know exactly how people feel bringing it up with their Mum. I can't even imagine what it must have been like for my Mum to lose 2 children. My older stillborn brother was born before me so I was in the middle of the two, my sister was after me. In a way it's strange because all of the other family members were there to be sad when it happened and they got their time to work on their feelings together, but now when I want to talk about it and understand why half of my family is missing nobody wants to talk about it and they've all moved on.

I always wonder how alike my little sister and I would have been or what it would have been like to have a big brother.

pencilsharp

Rosie.. wrote: »

I always wonder how alike my little sister and I would have been or what it would have been like to have a big brother.

I always wonder this too about me and my brother. I'm five years older than my brother and ten years older than my sister and sometimes the age gap makes a difference, it means I have alot of different interests than them and often I feel excluded.

I also wonder would my sister have been born if my brother had lived, I doubt it cos I don't think financially it would have been possible. I can't imagine not having my sister around, shes the youngest and I spoil her rotten. I feel for my brother too cos I know he would love a big brother to turn too.

My brother would be 32 now-I could have had nieces and nephews at this stage. I know my mam would love grandchildren! And she'll be waiting a long while yet cos none of us are ready to have kids!!

LegacyUser

pencilsharp wrote: »

I also wonder would my sister have been born if my brother had lived, I doubt it cos I don't think financially it would have been possible. I can't imagine not having my sister around, shes the youngest and I spoil her rotten. I feel for my brother too cos I know he would love a big brother to turn too.

Yeah the family dynamics would be completely different.

I'm going into second year in college now but I wonder what it would have been like to have my older brother go before me and report back and give me his tips. As the oldest I've always felt the pressure to do the right thing with nobody's previous mistakes to learn from and just the pressure of being the older one in general. My younger brother seems to have it easier. Allowed a lot more freedom than I was at his age but that could be partly to do with him being a guy I guess.

I actually have to have an procedure soon and it may be in the same hospital where my big brother died. I'm not sure how I think about that, seems like unnecessary added stress to the stress of being in hospital

dr gonzo

I'm the same as a lot of the people on here. My mam had a stillborn daughter before me who would have been a year older. It upsets her to this day around the time of her birthday but generally shes ok because i think she knows that had her daughter survived she wouldnt have had me.

But like all of you i have from time to time wondered what it would have been like to have, not only an older sister but one so close in age. I might possibly have been a little less awkward growing up but as i said, its a moot point anyway because i'd probably never have been born.

pencilsharp

Just wondering. When your parents are asked how many children they have, what do they say?

My mam always says three (so excludes) my brother who passed away but my dad says four. When my dad says four my mam always looks shocked as if to say 'Did you have a baby with another woman??'. Its like in one way she totally disconnects herself from all that went on around that time, but then at other times she dwells on it so much but won't discuss it with us.

I don't think she realises the effect it has on my dad and to me and my brother to some degree. I know it must have been an awful time for her and we haven't had to go through half of what she has gone through but still its difficult for us.

I went to see a medium last week not for any particular reason, just my friend was going and she asked would I go too. He said my grandmother had finally accepted the baby boy with the initial 'K' and that she was holding him in her arms. For whatever reason (family politics!) my grandmother never accepted my brother 'K'. I know this really hurt my mother at the time but don't know what to do. I don't know if she would get some comfort from it or if it would upset her even more-what do you think?