should i say something?

greeneyes11

Hi.. so basically i was out at the weekend in a pub i wouldn't usually go to and my brother in law was there with i think his work mates, i was waiting for my bf so joined them for a drink.. he seemed pretty uncomfortable me being there which i found really strange as we're a really close family, but after about 20 mins or so my bf and some friends arrived and i left and went upstairs to a private birthday party.

About an hour or so later i popped downstairs with my bf to look for another friend who had just arrived and saw my bro in law in a corner with this girl. he had his arm around her and they seemed really close. My bf and i found our friend and went back upstairs but i felt a bit unsettled by it, he's been married to my sister for three years and they have a one year old son. He came up later to chat to us and i asked him who she was, made a joke of it to be honest because didn't want to accuse him of something... he was really awkward and told me that she was this girl who he worked with and who had a crush on him..he begged me not to tell my sister because she'd be upset over nothing. i agreed because as far as i knew he would never do anything like that..

about 2am i saw him leave with the girl.... they both seemed really drunk but they didn't seem as if they were together or anything.. yesterday i was chatting to my sis and she was saying that he didn't get home on sat night til after 5..

should i confront him? or talk to her about it? last thing i would want is for her to get hurt.. and i feel really guilty already for withholding anything from her.. but she doesn't suspect anything and it might be absolutely nothing...

thanks for reading. My bf doesn't think i should say anything to my sis unless i have concrete proof of something untoward, which i don't and obv may not even exist...which i agree with but i can't shake this unsettling doubt

IrishEyes19

I would because she's your sister. If it were someone else that I wasnt very close to, or not a good friend, Id be wary, because often these things can lead to the "victim" either not believing you, or thinking your trying to mess things up. But because she's your sister, you'll have to live with the secret if you see things going wrong in the marriage or else if she comes crying to you some day with problems. Plus she deserves to know the truth. Although it will hurt, Id rather know now than hear it later, plus his workmates obviously dont care that he's cheating, if he is. So you should at least tell her what you know.

Abi

This is dangerous territory alright, and I can see your boyfriends concerns if you don't have solid proof. Firstly, you said he seemed a bit off when he first met you in the pub. Then when you asked him about what was going on with the girl downstairs, he turned the blame to her saying she'd a crush on him.. so what the hell was he doing with his arm around her? When you're married and aware that someone has a crush on you, why would you encourage it with close contact?

What time did you see them leaving together about?


With the info you've given so far, I'd be inclined to approach him on this. It's pointless upsetting your sister with no proof, when you may be able to scare it out of him first. I'd say let him do most of the talking to see if you can root out some discrepencies in his story. I wouldn't let on you know what time he got in etc., see what he has to say about the time between leaving the pub and getting home at five.

For your sisters sake, I hope it's not true. But I don't like the sound of it..

James400

As it's your sister (your own flesh and blood) i'd tell her.

If you don't it will be constantly on your mind every time you meet her and besides he shouldn't have been with any girl in the first place.

You can't pretend it didn't happen and of course he's going to cover his arse by asking you not to say anything.

Didn't seem to bother him that somebody he knew might see him!

His problem- let him face it.

premierlass

I'm not sure it does any good to confront the (possible) cheater. Often it just gives them the opportunity to get to their spouse first with some excuse and say you're trying to cause trouble.

It's a tough call when you have no absolute proof. Can you quietly drop into the pub again this weekend and see how the land lies with him and the co-worker?

greeneyes11

greeneyes11 wrote: »

he had his arm around her and they seemed really close.


i asked him who she was, made a joke of it to be honest because didn't want to accuse him of something... he was really awkward and told me that she was this girl who he worked with and who had a crush on him..he begged me not to tell my sister because she'd be upset over nothing.


about 2am i saw him leave with the girl....
he didn't get home on sat night til after 5..

i think these are the important bits.
he begged you not to tell your sister?? alarm bells ringing here, so she has a crush on him, if thats all there is to it why would it upset your sister??

i think you know yourself by the feeling in your gut you have to say something. i actually would speak to him first, but im sure you will know by his reaction what, if anything, is going on/did go on.

greeneyes11

thanks for all the replies.. i don't want to make him into a total monster, he's really not. i think its the fact that i'm so unsure that he has done anything wrong that is making me hesitate about telling my sister.. he is quite an affectionate person, so in a normal scenario i doubt i would have even noticed much if i saw him hugging another girl.. and neither would my sister to be honest.

when i say he was uncomfortable when he saw me.. it was more shock i suppose more than discomfort.. again maybe i think it because of what i saw later on i might be making it more? ah i don't know... i might try and chat to him about it.. i've known him for ten years and would never want to jeopardise his relationship with my sister until i know. obviously if i were to get proof i would 1 million percent tell her.

beagle001

Sorry to say it but he is definitely up to something and this from a male perspective.
What was he doing until 5am,out alone with another lady not his wife.
Now he is the one cheating no doubt about that but is it worth wrecking their relationship,I think no.
Confront him tell him it must stop but don't make a big issue out of it for them as the old saying she is better off not knowing than knowing.
But make sure you tell him that you know

Abi

Well you'd know his nature better than we (being affectionate) etc., but why would he encourage her if he knows she has a crush on him? Why did he leave with only her, and not anyone else / several other people from the group?


If you want to tackle this in a non-confrontational way, bring up the night in question. Ask if he had a good night, and if he got up to anything after (eg another pub / club). Try to find out what happened between his leaving they pub you were at, and him getting home.


It sounds like you're beginning to doubt yourself a little, but to settle your own mind I'd still have a chat with him. Gut feelings are rarely off track imo, but hopefully it is in this case!

IrishEyes19

It kind of bothers me as well, that he would be with a woman who had a major crush on him anyway. If I knew someone had a major crush on me, and I was in a relationship, I wouldnt be talking to them for ages in a bar of all places.

greeneyes11

i totally agree i should have told her then.. i'm honestly not sure why i didn't, it's really not like me. he had told her he'd seen us and everything so it wasn't as if he was expecting me not to mention that.

i think i'll talk to him, i'm pretty sure i'll know if he's holding out on me. he tends to be quite dramatic at times, so when he says my sister would get upset about someone fancying him i don't think she really would but she's taking some time out from work after having her baby so she's a bit low at the moment, so maybe it is legit..

i feel like i'm making excuses for him, but i just really don't want to upset her for no reason...

the part i'm mostly concerned about is how long it took him to get home, and why? but maybe they went to a party or something, there were loads of the group they were with around at the end.. waiting in the taxi q..

i'm babysitting for them tomorrow night, so i'll try and talk to him then..

beagle001

He told his poor wife he saw her sister out to cover his ass in case you get to her first.
Seriously dodgy going on from him but sure it could all be innocent but I very very much doubt it.
Trust your gut

Justask

If I was you I would TELL, not ask him he has exactly 48 hours to come clean to your sister and if he doesnt you will....

So you will know in 48 hours when your sister is on the phone to you telling you about what has happen!

If he starts making up excuses about who she was were thay were etc you reply should be ' I will explain to my SISTER what I saw' No matter what way you look at it it looks bad!

I was in this position with one of my best friends and this is what we did, he went with his tail between his legs to her and all was out in the open.......Till the next time when she caught him out herself.:rolleyes:

You could never live with yourself if he was cheating and she found out, all along you knowing. And she would never forgie you either.

Mc Kenzie

Oh what an awful situation to be in. I know you more than likely would rather not get to caught up in it as it saves you from thinking what may be the horrible truth.

I think you should have a word with him especially since you know him well. Its your sister here so it is so important to think of her feelings. If anything was to come out in the future, imagine she realised you knew and you hadnt told her....Im not saying to tell her straight away, or you could even say to her in conversation "yano im sure it was 2.00am i seen him leave the bar" so that leaves your sis to question her husband. and slip in about the girl you seen him chatting too but just say it as in something you observed rather than insinuate what it might be.

I hope you figure out what to do for the best.

gypsy_rose

I really think you should tell your sister first and not be going to him. Sure, you might be close and he might be the nicest guy in the world but your loyalty to your sister comes first and if it did turn out he was up to something your sister would feel betrayed that you went talking to him first instead of her. Either way she deserves to have this information and decide what to do with it, hopefully it's nothing and she'll know something you don't about it so it won't turn into anything. If he was up to something it would be pretty stupid of him to be showing her affection in public knowing you were in the same bar and knowing you knew he was there.

LegacyUser

As a man reading this, I have little doubt that he cheated.

Whether you tell your sister or not is up to you.

Taltos

OP -

If you talk to him first - your sister will believe you are choosing him over her... That simple I am afraid.

You need to tell her what you saw - just the facts - no embellishments.
After that it is up to them. Who knows maybe he can explain it all away - and if she buys it then either she knows and accepts what he is up to or well maybe she is not the brightest...

Be careful here though - this could all backfire on you and you will get the blame or worse. Once you are careful you will not force her into reacting because she thinks the whole family or that you know - just mention in passing what you saw without making a huge deal of it.

Like
"surprised he did not get home until after 5 - I saw him leave with Katie at 2. Do you fancy a cup of tea?" - and leave it there...

curlzy

I honestly can't believe this OP. She's your sister! If she caught your bf cheating on you would you want her to tell you? This is a very black and white situation OP, you need to have some loyalty to your sister and tell her what you know.

I am a friend

I think so. Tell her the facts as you relayed them here and let her draw her own conclusions....

Miss Fluff

Where did he say he was until 5am? Tbh I don't think it's really appropriate to be out until that time when there is a one-year old baby at home but that's just a personal view. Fine if you know it's going to be a very late one and with good reason but just coasting in after a work night in the early hours? Being out until that time usually means there is some mischief or carry on along the way.

I'd avoid discussing this with him again. Like the others have said, I would tell your sister the facts. I find it really odd that he would panic about his workmate like that and beg you not to tell your sister. In fact it speaks volumes. But that's not for you to decide. Just tell her what you saw and leave it at that - let her decide what she thinks.

ash23

I would agree that you should talk to your sister first. You don't have to say you suspect him of anything. But perhaps tell her that you saw him with this girl, he said the girl has a crush on him but doesn't want your sister to know in case it upsets her. But tell her that you'd want to know if someone was making their interest in your partner known so that you could keep an eye on things.
Also say that you're worried he isn't handling it the best way as you saw him and her leaving at about 2am and perhaps he should be steering clear.

Dress it up as though you're worried this girl is going to try something but plant the seeds of doubt too so that your sister is aware of whats going on but not so you can be blamed for accusing him of having an affair.

Let her decide what to do with the info. I got some info re: my ex and him possibly cheating and I wish now I'd played my cards close to my chest. If you go to him you're letting him have time to cover things up and make excuses.
Arouse her suspicions. She may have some already.

Daisy M

I agree tell your sister. you may end up actually preventing something from happening!

Neyite

Taltos wrote: »

You need to tell her what you saw - just the facts - no embellishments...just mention in passing what you saw without making a huge deal of it.

Like
"surprised he did not get home until after 5 - I saw him leave with Katie at 2. Do you fancy a cup of tea?" - and leave it there...

This is how I would do it too. You are not making a big deal out of it, you are just giving her the facts, and what she chooses to do with them is entirely up to her.

beagle001

OP,
I think the general consensus is that you should tell your sister first.
It's a crap situation to be in but it's your moral duty to at least give the facts to your sister to save her being further cheated on.

greeneyes11

thanks guys, i think i agree with the general consensus and i'll mention it to her in passing later when i'm babysitting.

i've been thinking about what all of you have said and i can see that it's suspicious behaviour but i'm not going to accuse him of anything. i really hope it as a previous poster suggested that he just doesn't handle things well.. the staying out late is none of my business in general, and i do know that it isn't a regular occurrence.

my gut is wavering that he's done anything to be honest.. but i'd rather at least mention it to her. i do think if he was doing anything it would be a ridiculous thing to do when he knows i was there...

i really appreciate all you guys insights

dixiefly

First of all, the guy is an absolute idiot and deserves no sympathy from you. Once he saw you there he should have been away from her as quick as lightening. It is either a complete lack of common sense or complete arrogance for him to contnue with her considering you had seen them in the first place and actually asked him!!

Your loyalty is to your sister as stated above. He may be a nice guy but has left you in an awful position.

You should either confront him and tell him to tell your sister what happened and who with etc (though he prob still wont tell the truth) or you could tell your sister and she can approach him on the basis that you only told her AFTER he told her and you thought that he had told her all anyway.