Toxic family

LegacyUser

I am finding it harder and harder to come to terms with my toxic family, and even though I want to stay away from them, something keeps pulling me back.
I am female and 35 and single. I have an older sister but we have never been close - I also have 4 brothers, again and Ive never been close.
I have just gotten so much abuse from my brother this morning - loads of name calling and aggression. I am still shaking from some of the names he called me. it seems the shouting and aggression never stops in my family, and even though we don't see that much of each other anymore, it seems the slightest issue brings up all the same old family aggression with me bearing the brunt of their abuse (im the youngest, and this is the way it always was).

They all hate me, and make it very clear.

On the one hand, I am heartbroken that I have no family - even though I actually have. They have never offered me support in any part of my life, I could go on.

How do I finally make that break from them - how do I get past the hurt of what they say to me and don't ever make contact with them again, and feel at ease with that?

Whynotme

I think you know that answer, you've said it already. Pull back, walk away. Or if you really cannot do that, hang up the phone as soon as abuse starts, if in the same room, walk away and do not engage apart from 'come and talk to me when your both calm and civil'. Stand up for yourself, maybe once you do that, and keep doing it, they will get the message and take their aggression elsewhere. If possible only meet in a public place, its amazing how manners can be put on people if there are others around to witness their behaviour.

I would imagine they don't hate you, may be jealous of you and your life, or even dislike you, but hate is a very strong word and feeling. Often we take our own misery out on someone we perceive to have what we 'think' we want. From what you say, there has always been aggression in the family, maybe some of them have never learnt how to converse in a 'normal' way. Feel pity for them, but don't waste energy on people who abuse you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that. I am still crying here, thinking of some of the things he said to me. I get so annoyed at myself when this happens. In my life, I have a good job, my own home and car and great friends. I would be quite a happy person generally. They all live in social housing and most are on welfare - yes, without meaning to sound big-headed, I have often thought that they are jealous of me. I went to college when I left school - I worked through college and supported myself the whole way through (our parents were elderly, and have both since died). I bought my own home ten years ago and have always workedetc...I am far from rich, but they seem to think I am! Most of them are on welfare and think that I think, I'm 'something' (this has been said to me time and time again).

I am quite low now, and feel like I'm 6 all over again. I hate the way they make me feel like this.

Distorted

I've heard it said before that the best way to deal with this sort of family situation is to distance yourself, take control and only have enough contact to mean you don't have a guilty conscience. Whether that is sending a card at Christmas and on birthdays only or visiting once every 3 months or something. You don't have to be feel guilty if you control it in this way, but avoid being sucked back in. You have to distance yourself in order to live your own life, which will become a lot more enjoyable once you are aren't being dragged down by this type of behaviour.

LegacyUser

I really don't want any contact with them anymore - I am so sick of them bringing me down like this. There are nieces and nephews that I will miss dearly, but I need to stay away from my own siblings for my sanity.
and I'm trying to do this without caving into the guilt of 'They're family' creeping up on me again. I hadn't spoken to any of them for just over a year and things were going ok for me. Im only back talking to this brother since easter, and now there's another blow-out...
How do I just walk away entirely and never look back?

Abi

unregistered wrote: »

I really don't want any contact with them anymore - I am so sick of them bringing me down like this. There are nieces and nephews that I will miss dearly, but I need to stay away from my own siblings for my sanity.
and I'm trying to do this without caving into the guilt of 'They're family' creeping up on me again. I hadn't spoken to any of them for just over a year and things were going ok for me. Im only back talking to this brother since easter, and now there's another blow-out...
How do I just walk away entirely and never look back?

You just do it. Stop answering their calls. If you wind up crying and shaking after phonecalls with them, surely it won't be that hard to cut contact?


I certainly wouldn't have let any of them get away with saying 'you think you're something' and leave it be. It does seem theres an element of jealousy there. I wouldn't normally be one to tell people to cut-off their family, but if theres no benefit for you in being in contact with them, then why bother? I wouldn't stand for being their human punch-bag whenever they feel like it.


Simply stop taking their calls OP.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, regular poster here, going anon because this is a private issue.

I have done what you long to do and cut my family out of my life. It happened 18 months ago.

It is very painful. Not that they're gone - but that I had a family that always abused me and now I am grieving for what I never had. I am grieving for the child that they treated like crap who deserved to be told she was precious, and deserved to be cherished. I have had a lot of mental health problems as a result of my upbringing (as have all my siblings) but I have sought regular help since I moved out when I was 17 15 years ago and am now more stable and happy than I have ever been.

I am sad about it, but I focus on what I have. Amazing friends, amazing partner, good job, good education and a lovely life. I am looking forward to hopefully having kids, but I am also sad that they won't have grandparents/aunts/uncles from my side.

Although the sadness lingers, my insomnia has ended. The stress my family has caused me all my life is dripping away, bit by bit. I sleep better and my health has improved dramatically.

I send Christmas and birthday and Mother's/Father's day cards but I do not ring or visit. They are very very angry with this as they have always tried to control all aspects of my life but that is too bad. They need to learn to live with it. I had to live with their aggression and abuse all my life, and I don't want it anymore. They will not change, so I have to be the one to makes the changes.

I advise you to talk it all through with a trusted, non-judgemental person. Try to avoid someone who has a great family, refuses to understand and simply says "But they're your family..." over and over! Find someone who cares about your welfare, and talk it all through, and let go, bit by bit. I started by blocking their access to me on Facebook...

Best of luck. I know how much pain you are in. You are not alone. x

Babooshka

Hi

No you're definitely not alone. In my family there have been issues similar to yours, not with all of them all of the time. One, in particular, is extremely verbally abusive and can't stand me, shouted down the phone at me last time I ever spoke with them. Then had the cheek to send me a text saying they're angry with me. All I did was tell them they were a bully for screaming down the phone at me and ask them to stop!

I've been called all sorts by this so called relative. Really easy for older siblings to slap labels on you and tell you what you are and what you're not. I've been genuinely scared of that person as well and do not want any sort of relationship with them, why would you want a relationship with someone you only feel scared of or hurt by? Nah thanks, blood or not. Even if we ever made peace I'd just keep it civil if paths ever crossed but I certainly wouldn't want any sort of regular contact whatsoever.

Have you strong group of friends yourself? Well if I was you I'd pull back again and focus on them. It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done if you can't talk to your family, if they don't listen with respect to you as an equal when confrontation happens, then cut them out of your life, cos all they do is drain your self respect by abusing you, and it is abuse. Good luck to you anyway.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies- Ihave had a difficult weekend, withothers getting involved and a sunday dinner situation now 'ruined by me'. More phone calls from some of them yesterday. I am actually exhausted by it all. Yes,I do have friends, but all are married with great families themselves and spend relevant birthdays/xmas etc with their families. I am already thinking about my lonely christmas - having said that,I would spend my xmas with one of them,spend the week before dreading it,and spend the weekafter trying to mend something I'm supposed to have done. So in reality, it wasn't really what you would call your average christmas....

I don't so..I am so desperately sad about all of this - I used to tink and wish I was adopted, even when I was a child..I wish this sadness would go away.