Confused about expectations on me, going out with older woman

vetinari

This is something that has been on my mind on and off over the last few months.

I'm 29 and have been going out with a 33 yo girl for just over a year. She will be 34 in September. Things have been going well, we get on well together and jive well personality wise. The future direction of the relationship is what I'm concerned about.

Neither of us would be very emotive. Indeed neither of us has said "I love you" to the other. I think I might love her but honestly, I don't seem to get strong outbursts of emotion the same way other people do.

My main concern is that I can't say with certainty that I would like to start a family with this girl. It's just too soon. I had a prior relationship with an ex where the first year was brilliant and it all went to **** in the second year. For me, there is no substitute for time spent together.

The problem with that though is that I'm feeling guilt in the sense of potentially robbing her of the opportunity to have kids if I turn around in 6 months and say that I don't feel things are working out.

Now, I haven't lied about any intentions or made false promises as such. Truth be told, we haven't discussed any serious issues. I probably do want to have kids myself but it's not really at the forefront of my mind. She hasn't discussed it in any fashion.

To be blunt, I'm enjoying the way things are now and wouldn't have any concerns if she were 24 instead of 34. I know people will say talk to her but I'm not even sure what exactly my point is. She should dump me and find someone who definitely wants to have kids with her?? For all I know, she doesn't want to have kids!

Thanks for reading

Fentdog84

Well first of all I dont think you can really classify her as an "Older" woman, I thought you were talking about someone at least 10-15 years older. Anyway thats beside the point. She's in roughly the same age group (29-33 isnt really a big difference) But apart from that not really sure what kinda advice you are seeking.. I mean you either like this girl or you dont..you want to have kids with her or you dont..just have a casual chat with her and guage what her intentions are..if you are not on the same page, well cut loose and start again..

John Mason

OP, a few points

She is not an older woman, she is in the same age bracket as you.

I really dont think you shuold even consider having children with this lady, if you cant discuss the basic fundamentals of your relationship - there is no way you are ready to have children

How do you know she even wants children ?

What if you get around to talking to her about it in 5 years time and she tells you there is absolutely no way she wants children - will she have robbed you of the chance of being a father? how would you feel.

my partner is 5 years younger then me (i am older then your gf), we have been together 3-4 years, we are perfect together but we have had the children conversation and we both know where we stand on the issue.

each to their own and whatever works in your relationship is your business. but i dont understand the whole not talking to each other about important milestones

Beruthiel

vetinari wrote: »

I'm 29 and have been going out with a 33 yo girl for just over a year. She will be 34 in September.

Four years of a gap is nothing, certainly not enough to classify her as an 'older woman'

My main concern is that I can't say with certainty that I would like to start a family with this girl.

How do you know she wants one?

Now, I haven't lied about any intentions or made false promises as such. Truth be told, we haven't discussed any serious issues. I probably do want to have kids myself but it's not really at the forefront of my mind. She hasn't discussed it in any fashion.

You know the woman a year, isn't it time to talk to her about what you want and don't want?

When I first met my now hubby, I told him within weeks of us going out that I had no intention of ever having children in the future.
I did that in order not to waste either of our time. I did not want to get attached to someone if they had very different needs to me.
I was 34 at the time and knew exactly what I did and did not want.
If this is bothering you then I suggest you talk to her.

I know people will say talk to her but I'm not even sure what exactly my point is. She should dump me and find someone who definitely wants to have kids with her??

If she wants to have children and you don't, then you should at least give her the option to leave if you see your future differently to hers.

Count Duckula

Frankly, OP, you have to trust her judgement that her time is not being "wasted" in this relationship. It's not for you to make that call!

Even if something does happen and you break up, OP, you can't feel guilty for "wasting" her time. She chose to be in the relationship.

vetinari

Thanks for the feedback. I didn't mean anything with the term "older woman".
She's older than me, not sure what other way to state that fact. Maybe should have said older girl, less connotations perhaps.

I get that it is her decision and that it will have to be discussed at some point. My point was if there is an onus on me to accelerate that discussion as biologically she is under more time pressure as it were in terms of having kids. Again nothing negative meant by that statement.As I mentioned, if she was 24 I wouldn't be feeling any rush to discuss this topic in depth. Still undecided on the best course of action.

Abi

I'm with Irishbird on this one, after a year you don't seem to have discussed your feelings for one another yet, so you're skipping a chapter or two here. Secondly, you're having trouble expressing what you want to say - but it sounds to me like you're assuming that her biological clock is ticking and she will try to corner you for kids. I'm nearly 32, and I can tell you having kids in the future is not an option for me. I've reached a point in my life where I'm content with my lot, how do you know she's not in the same boat? Beruthiel said at that age she made it clear she wanted no kids in the future too.

I really think you're over-thinking this. If anything, I think you should both work on expressing your feelings for one another.

Beruthiel

vetinari wrote: »

My point was if there is an onus on me to accelerate that discussion as biologically she is under more time pressure as it were in terms of having kids.

No. The onus is not on you.
She is a grown woman who knows what she wants. If she has had no conversations with you regarding this, then she might actually just be with you to have a good time with no big expectations of any kind.
Certainly, that's how I viewed my relationship with my now hubby when we first met. I was in full party mode and only out to have fun. I had no expectations other than to enjoy life. Not every woman thinks that kids are be all and end all of everything.