Ended a relationship

LegacyUser

I ended a relationship with someone yesterday and just feel rotten now. I'll just call him x. It's a long complicated story, but basically x wouldn't commit to me or get any further involved and I just couldn't take it any more.

We were together about 9 months and I guess I was probably always more into the whole thing than him. I'd been badly hurt by somebody about a year before and probably wasn't over that and was stupidly flattered when x asked me out etc and just fell into things too quickly.

We split up after about 4 months because he though I was, to quote him "Looking for more than I can give". I just felt that he didn't have any time for me. He ended things then, but we continued to text and talk and got back together again after about three weeks. He was better then about meeting me more and spending more time with me, but looking back now I shouldn't have gone back with him then.

We fell into a completely hypothetical situation last week about what would happen if I ever got pregnant (never happened thankfully) and he pretty much told me that the situation would remain the same. He told me he wouldn't just ignore the situation, but basically even if I had got pregnant he still wouldn't have wanted to commit to me.
I wasn't looking for marriage or anything like that. I was never comfortable because I never quite knew where I stood with him. One night when he was drunk he texted me and rang me and said things about 'when we'd be together properly' etc, but when I said it to him the next day he said that couldn't really happen. In the first few months of our relationship he said stuff like that as well, but then as time went on stopped saying it.

He has kids from a previous relationship and said that that was why he couldn't commit to me because it would confuse the kids etc. The kids were a big thing with him. I understood that but would never have expected him to stop seeing his kids or anything like that. In the end though the choice was between them and me I guess.

After I ended it yesterday, he text me this morning asking if I was okay. I rang him and just said that I didn't think we should stay in contact anymore as I just didn't see the point. I said that he'd made it quite clear that he didn't want to be with me and that I just couldn't do it anymore. He told me that he'd made it quite clear that that kind of commitment was "never on the cards" and that he's never lied to me. Well he obviously had because as I said, in the first few months of our relationship he used to talk about us being together properly etc. Anyway he was angry enough when I told him that I couldn't stay in contact with me anymore, and the conversation just ended with both of us saying "Look after yourself, goodbye"

Even though it was my decision to end it, I didn't want to and I just feel crap now. I want to be able to move on with my life and just get over him but I'm scared in case I won't be able to as he meant a lot to me. Obviously I didn't mean as much to him!

Do you think I did the right thing in breaking contact completely?

I really didn't want to end things. I was really mad about him. I still want to be with him, but I just couldn't do it anymore because I knew the situation was never going to change, and it was really hurting me too much.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and if so how did you get through it?

squonk

OP you did the right thing, for a start!

I think as you say that you took the relationship far more seriously then he did. Irregardless of what was said early on, he put his cards on the table and the if the relationship wasn't going to lead to something committed then you're as well off walking away. Frankly, he made it a 'you or the kids' situation and went with the kids. There's no reason it couldn't have been a 'you AND the kids' situation.

I think he was stringing you along. Keep out of contact. I know you're hurting but you need to get through this and given a bit of space you'll feel better.

You come across as a lovely, decent, down to earth lady and plenty of guys would be delighted to have you as their girlfriend and would be falling over themselves to be in a mutually committed relationship with you. Hang on in there. Don't waste another moment of your time on the last eejit!

curlzy

Hey OP,

I think you did the right thing. He put his cards on the table and you said that wasn't what you wanted and you finished it. Well done girl! The amount of women that waste years trying to flog a dead horse is very distrubing! A lot of women would put up with it for years, hoping that he'll change and end up in a very bad way. At the end of the day you want a future and commitment and he wasn't prepared to give it. The only way you could have stayed with him is if you compromised what you wanted in life and that just never ends well. Yeah you're hurting now, but you'll get over it, honestly, time is a great healer and it is very raw right now. Stay strong and don't contact him at all. No point going backwards. The only way you could get with him without comprimising yourself would be if he contacted you saying he's changed his mind and can give you the commitment you want. It doesn't sound like that'll happen. There's plenty more fish in the sea OP, you'll find the right one, just give it time.

Miss Fluff

You don't say in your post what kind of commitment you were looking for OP. You make quite a few references and yet you don't specify what it is you wanted from this man

IrishEyes19

I was in a similar situation and at the time after it ended for the umpteenth time, I would have agreed with the other post saying he was stringing you along, ect.

In your defence, yes he obviously knew how you felt, and he knew how he felt, but he had a good thing, he enjoyed your company but didnt want the commitment end of story. Its a horrible situation to be in for you, but you cant hold him 100 percent to blame either. I always think if a guy says he cant commit after two times, take it as biblical word and walk away. If he comes back and actually commits, fair play to you both and best of luck. But you have to be proactive in this as well and know when enough is enough. Im only saying this, because I didnt, and I torturtured myself as well for a long time thinking magically someday it would be different, it wasnt and thank god now, Im over it. It ended quite badly too, with a terrible row and harsh words.

So cut contact, do not ring him. Im sure he'd love that. But be strong and try to get on with your life. best of luck

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You don't say in your post what kind of commitment you were looking for OP. You make quite a few references and yet you don't specify what it is you wanted from this man

Just to know where I stood with him basically Miss Fluff. I suppose I just felt as though he was stringing me along. I wasn't looking for marriage or anything like that, but after 9 months I just wanted to know if the relationship had any future or not. I just felt as though he had decided that he would close off at a certain point and keep a certain distance between us if that makes sense. That part of him was always going to be holding back.

LegacyUser

squonk wrote: »

You come across as a lovely, decent, down to earth lady and plenty of guys would be delighted to have you as their girlfriend and would be falling over themselves to be in a mutually committed relationship with you.

Thank you so much Squonk. That was such a lovely thing to say. I needed to hear that. Thank you.

IrishEyes19

Fedupofitall wrote: »

Just to know where I stood with him basically Miss Fluff. I suppose I just felt as though he was stringing me along. I wasn't looking for marriage or anything like that, but after 9 months I just wanted to know if the relationship had any future or not. I just felt as though he had decided that he would close off at a certain point and keep a certain distance between us if that makes sense. That part of him was always going to be holding back.

He was stringing you along to an extent, but once they say they dont want anything, OP, try to get out of there. I hope you can move on from this now and meet someone decent who wants to commit.