I don't think my boyfriend can be faithful...

LegacyUser

I'll try and keep this short, I'm with my boyfriend 18 months now. This is my first serious relationship, he was with his previous girlfriend for over 2 years but it ended badly. I've never really asked what happened. We've had issues in the past with him lying to me, I feel that trust isn't something you award automatically-it has to be earned and maintained.

I'm due to move abroad for a few months soon. We're planning on staying together but today I found out he cheated on his ex while she was travelling...he got the other girl pregnant and basically did a disappearing act when she told him. This has really thrown me but if I'm honest my gut has always told me there was something in his past. I haven't spoken to him about it yet, I know it's definitely true though.

I really don't want this to become a list of his faults/misdemeanors but there are so many things about him that if I heard it from someone else I'd tell them to run, and fast. He is really bad with money, from what I can gather he borrowed money off the girl he cheated with and never paid her back. I really do love him and there are so many positives to our relationship but I'm so so terrified I'm going to lose everything.

I know it was a few years ago and it has no bearing on our relationship but I feel so bad for his ex and the girl he cheated with. I can't be sure he won't do something similar to me as his ex was his first love-who does that to someone they love? I've always felt, once someone has the capacity to cheat, they can do it again. This has made me really doubt where this is going, how can someone do that to another person?

LegacyUser

From what youve written the thing that sticks out as a major red flag is that he abandoned someone after getting them pregnant. Is this child alive and well? Does he have any interest in meeting his child or at least contributing financially if nothing else?

It sounds like he may be burying his head in the sand about his past. He probably hasnt spoken about his previous relationship because his behavior wasnt commendable towards a few people.

It sounds like you dont really trust him, so rather than ask will he be faithful I think you should be asking do you really want to be with him.

LegacyUser

If I'd spent 18 months with a guy I'd expect to know if he had any skeletons in the closet and that there sounds like a pretty big skeleton. That would be enough for me to run far, far away.

LegacyUser

The girl had an abortion (I'm not sure if it was a joint decision or what) but from what I can gather he promised to help her pay for it and never followed through. The abortion itself had a very bad effect on her and she needed counselling afterwards.

I don't really trust him, he lies too easily and has this awful ability to even convince himself that the lie is the truth. I'm so confused because he's never actually done anything to me but I feel like I'm setting myself up for a fall. I do want to be with him but I feel my moving abroad is a serious cloud on the horizon. I don't know if I should cut my losses now and break up with him or try and work through this....I'm afraid it will all come undone with the strain of a long distance relationship.

It really sounds like I have absolutely no faith in the guy but he has had many opportunities to own up to the fact that he cheated in the past as it's something we've spoken about, never mind telling me he got the other girl pregnant.

I am a friend

scaredtotrust wrote: »

I don't really trust him, he lies too easily and has this awful ability to even convince himself that the lie is the truth.

Oh pet, they are fairly big issues.. He deserves to have his say but I was with someone who lied easily and also seemed to believe himself. He had told me he was divorced, I moved in with him and then I find out he was still married....

Anyway, you dont trust him and I didnt really trust my ex and I was right. Your gut is always right. Talk to him but dont buy the bull.

greengirl31

scaredtotrust wrote: »

I don't really trust him, he lies too easily and has this awful ability to even convince himself that the lie is the truth.

I think this answers your question ... from what you've written I'd be getting out of there as quick as I could - Your Gut is rarely wrong so I'd trust it ...

Peanut2011

scaredtotrust wrote: »

I don't really trust him, he lies too easily and has this awful ability to even convince himself that the lie is the truth. I'm so confused because he's never actually done anything to me but I feel like I'm setting myself up for a fall.

OP, here you are contradicting yourself. Do you or do you not trust him? Has he lied to you or have you heard from others?

I would say that if after 18months you can not trust him, your long distance relationship will make it 100% worse, even if he does not do anything.

Regarding running away from the girl after she got pregnant, I would tend to ask, how do you know he did that? Unless he told you that or you had a DNA proof it could all be rumors. At the same time the girl could have decided she did not want to keep the baby and he got away from her as he could not be a part of that. After that she could have started rumors to get him back, maybe even for the reason he did not help financially.

No matter what the truth is, if you do not trust him this will never work. Sorry to say OP, but if there are so many questions in your head now I can not see how this will work as a long distance.

Unfortunately for your and his sake, you two are better off parting your ways mutually and without the fall out.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Oh pet, they are fairly big issues.. He deserves to have his say but I was with someone who lied easily and also seemed to believe himself. He had told me he was divorced, I moved in with him and then I find out he was still married....

Anyway, you dont trust him and I didnt really trust my ex and I was right. Your gut is always right. Talk to him but dont buy the bull.

Thanks for the replies everyone, I'm sitting here in tears. I feel so angry and scared. I'm almost angry that he let me fall in love with him and build a relationship without owning up to his past. He had a breakdown after the relationship unravelled, a part of me feels like he may have had punishment enough already and I don't want to drag it all up again but on the other hand how can I really know he's grown up and learnt from his mistakes if he's not able to accept responsibility and be honest?

The rational part of me is saying end it now but I'm terrified. I love him so much but I wish I'd never fallen for him. I've always felt your first love is generally also your first heartbreak, I just never thought it would happen like this.

curlzy

scaredtotrust wrote: »

The girl had an abortion (I'm not sure if it was a joint decision or what) but from what I can gather he promised to help her pay for it and never followed through. The abortion itself had a very bad effect on her and she needed counselling afterwards.

I don't really trust him, he lies too easily and has this awful ability to even convince himself that the lie is the truth. I'm so confused because he's never actually done anything to me but I feel like I'm setting myself up for a fall. I do want to be with him but I feel my moving abroad is a serious cloud on the horizon. I don't know if I should cut my losses now and break up with him or try and work through this....I'm afraid it will all come undone with the strain of a long distance relationship.

It really sounds like I have absolutely no faith in the guy but he has had many opportunities to own up to the fact that he cheated in the past as it's something we've spoken about, never mind telling me he got the other girl pregnant.

Read the post above and imagine your sister or friend telling you that about their partner, now, what would your advice be?

Honestly girl, no matter how much you love him or how nice/funny/handsome/generous he is, at the end of the day his behaviour is that of a man completely devoid of morals or ethics. RUN is my advise, take your travelling as an easy way to end things. Listen to your inner voice that I'm sure is telling you that you need to get away from him.

Best of luck.

greengiant09

with a track record like his, i'd be astonished he hasn't been cheating on you already. he sounds like a complete tosser tbh....i'd question everything he says. comes across as the kinda guy who goes from girl to girl spinning them lines to suit his situation.

forget about why he could do this to his ex......women always seem to get hung up on these issues and how they could change a guy, like it's some sort of project. the guys behaviour was disgraceful, he's not the kinda guy you want to get involved with....simple as. you don't try to change a dick head....you just avoid them.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Read the post above and imagine your sister or friend telling you that about their partner, now, what would your advice be?

Honestly girl, no matter how much you love him or how nice/funny/handsome/generous he is, at the end of the day his behaviour is that of a man completely devoid of morals or ethics. RUN is my advise, take your travelling as an easy way to end things. Listen to your inner voice that I'm sure is telling you that you need to get away from him.

Best of luck.

sunflower27 wrote: »

I'm sorry OP, but his character is incredibly questionable.

He cheats, makes false promises, abandons the woman after saying he'd help her out. Not only that, but he takes money off her and then leaves her to go through with the abortion on her own, suffer the aftermath and leave her out of pocket to boot.

I would not want someonle like that as a friend, let alone a partner.

No way in hell I would want to be with someone like that. I'm sorry.

ETA** I would not trust him either if I was you. He sounds incredibly self-serving and immature.

Curlzy, you've hit the nail on the head-I keep telling myself if I heard of any girl who was with a guy like that I'd be encouraging them to jump ship as soon as possible.

Sunflower27, you're right-he is very immature, even though I am the younger one in the relationship I am definitely the more mature of us. I was going for counseling a few months back and brought up my trust issues with my counselor; she felt that he will only ever go for younger partners as he could never be with someone his own age.

I'm seeing that there is no future for us now, even if he has turned over a new leaf I don't see how I'll be able to get past this, as painful as I know this is going to be, I need to get away from him. We're living together at the moment so I've got to figure that out too. I can barely think of anything else right now.

I'm due to go on a training trip to the UK for a week tomorrow, it's going to be really intense so as cold or cowardly as I know it sounds, I'm not going to pursue this with him or instigate a break up before I go. A part of me wants to spring it on him so he has no chance to make up any more lies.

Thanks so much for the advice everyone, I feel like I can't talk to my family or friends about it yet as I'm mortified. I feel like I've been taken for a fool. He knew I had issues with trusting men as my father abandoned our family when I was young. This has only reaffirmed my belief that men are liars. I know that's a generalisation but I've got no evidence to the contrary.

Silverfish

Hi everyone, can we avoid the generalisations in this thread please, they don't serve any purpose other than to cause arguments.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

Sorry Silverfish, I didn't really mean to generalize but it took me a long time to let my guard down in this relationship, it seems like ever since I've opened up to him it has been one thing after another and the lies have become more frequent.

booboo88

scaredtotrust wrote: »

The girl had an abortion (I'm not sure if it was a joint decision or what) but from what I can gather he promised to help her pay for it and never followed through. The abortion itself had a very bad effect on her and she needed counselling afterwards.

I don't really trust him, he lies too easily and has this awful ability to even convince himself that the lie is the truth. I'm so confused because he's never actually done anything to me but I feel like I'm setting myself up for a fall. I do want to be with him but I feel my moving abroad is a serious cloud on the horizon. I don't know if I should cut my losses now and break up with him or try and work through this....I'm afraid it will all come undone with the strain of a long distance relationship.

It really sounds like I have absolutely no faith in the guy but he has had many opportunities to own up to the fact that he cheated in the past as it's something we've spoken about, never mind telling me he got the other girl pregnant.

how are you even considering staying with this guy> hes unreliable, a compulsive liar. and he lies through his teeth? and you dont trust him?


seriously?

greengiant09

scaredtotrust wrote: »

This has only reaffirmed my belief that men are liars. I know that's a generalisation but I've got no evidence to the contrary.

that bit in bold absolutely infuriates me!!!...don't mean to be harsh but wtf were you thinking??? it couldn't have been more obvious that this guy was a loser.....focking big flashing neons signs going off around him saying 'loser'....everyone could see it but YOU chose to ignore it so you have only yourself to blame.

give me a break about all men being liars......the amount of women like you who come on here with the exact same b.s! totally being taken advantage of and allowing it to happen despite every focking possible warning sign that was right in front of him. it's so obvious it's actually painful to read.

i do sympathise with you regarding your upbringing.....maybe it messed with your head but the reality is this world can be a nasty place....you need to be more street-wise....

LegacyUser

greengiant09 wrote: »

that bit in bold absolutely infuriates me!!!...don't mean to be harsh but wtf were you thinking??? it couldn't have been more obvious that this guy was a loser.....focking big flashing neons signs going off around him saying 'loser'....everyone could see it but YOU chose to ignore it so you have only yourself to blame.

give me a break about all men being liars......the amount of women like you who come on here with the exact same b.s! totally being taken advantage of and allowing it to happen despite every focking possible warning sign that was right in front of him. it's so obvious it's actually painful to read.

i do sympathise with you regarding your upbringing.....maybe it messed with your head but the reality is this world can be a nasty place....you need to be more street-wise....

If you read my next post you will see I apologized for the generalization, not all men are liars but I was pretty upset at the time of writing that. I am fully aware of how nasty a place the world can be, I am very self aware and pretty street wise-the fact that this guy was a 'loser' was not something immediately obvious to everyone except me-I have known him for the last 6 years through mutual friends, none of whom know about this.

At no point have I chosen to ignore the obvious, these doubts/gut instincts have been growing-I am now confronting them. As a result my relationship will be ending in the near future. I do feel like a fool but I don't think I've 'allowed' myself to be taken advantage of, he NEVER chose to divulge his past despite many opportunities to do so....how am I the one to blame then? If you started dating someone whom you had known for 6 years and was best mates with your oldest friend, do you not think something like this would be very shocking?

booboo88, I'm not considering staying with him-I just cannot break up with him right now. This training course is really important and I can't do anything which would jeopardize my performance on it, I think leaving my boyfriend might just do that.

Maple

greengiant09 wrote: »

that bit in bold absolutely infuriates me!!!...don't mean to be harsh but wtf were you thinking??? it couldn't have been more obvious that this guy was a loser.....focking big flashing neons signs going off around him saying 'loser'....everyone could see it but YOU chose to ignore it so you have only yourself to blame.

give me a break about all men being liars......the amount of women like you who come on here with the exact same b.s! totally being taken advantage of and allowing it to happen despite every focking possible warning sign that was right in front of him. it's so obvious it's actually painful to read.

i do sympathise with you regarding your upbringing.....maybe it messed with your head but the reality is this world can be a nasty place....you need to be more street-wise....

Banned for 7 days for ignoring onthread warning and being abusinve towards OP.

Maple

booboo88

scaredtotrust wrote: »

If you read my next post you will see I apologized for the generalization, not all men are liars but I was pretty upset at the time of writing that. I am fully aware of how nasty a place the world can be, I am very self aware and pretty street wise-the fact that this guy was a 'loser' was not something immediately obvious to everyone except me-I have known him for the last 6 years through mutual friends, none of whom know about this.

At no point have I chosen to ignore the obvious, these doubts/gut instincts have been growing-I am now confronting them. As a result my relationship will be ending in the near future. I do feel like a fool but I don't think I've 'allowed' myself to be taken advantage of, he NEVER chose to divulge his past despite many opportunities to do so....how am I the one to blame then? If you started dating someone whom you had known for 6 years and was best mates with your oldest friend, do you not think something like this would be very shocking?

booboo88, I'm not considering staying with him-I just cannot break up with him right now. This training course is really important and I can't do anything which would jeopardize my performance on it, I think leaving my boyfriend might just do that.

We're planning on staying together

you either are considering staying with him or your not?

personally this is a no brainer, the guy is a d**k putting it mildly

LegacyUser

booboo88 wrote: »

you either are considering staying with him or your not?

personally this is a no brainer, the guy is a d**k putting it mildly

I only found out about this 12 hours ago, at that point, yes I wanted to stay with him. As the day has gone on I've realised I don't think I can be in a relationship with him anymore. This has totally changed my view of him, it's too major an issue to ignore. I've read so many of these threads where one partner is thinking of breaking up with the other and just though get it over with for god's sake....now that it's something I have to do I'm quite frankly petrified but that does NOT mean I'm going to stay with him. I've never broken up with someone like this before. Knowing I will be out of the country come October might make it easier but there's so much to sort out, the lease, bills, our dog. What I thought was our life together.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

I think it is quite obvious what the situation is. The OP posted saying she was planning on staying with the guy but obviously had grave doubts.

She has got a few replies that have made her see how this guy is not worth it and she has said she is going to split with him.

She is going to do it when her course is out of the way so as to not jepardise her performance. Fair enough.

Good luck, OP

Thanks Sunflower27, your advice is much appreciated. To be honest I needed to get some outside perspectives, I think my family and friends would be very quick to take my side, they don't want to see me hurt. I'm all over the place as it is, I feel like a bitch for keeping this from him but I'm putting my career first.

curlzy

Hey OP,

You're a breathe of fresh air in here. Most times the OP is someone who just won't do what's best for themselves at all. They excuse, justify, bargain and everything else to avoid the fact that they really shouldn't be with the person they're with. You taken note of the red flags, considered it calmly and realise that the person you're with isn't worthy of you or your trust. At 22 years of age that's just amazing, most 22 year olds wouldn't have the maturity to read the writing on the wall and deal with it. So yeah you're going to be fine, I'm sure.

With regards to men not being trustworthy: ( I know you were angry when you wrote that and generalising ), I can promise you that the majority of them actually are very trustworthy. The majority of my friends are male, not one of them has ever behaved in the way your bf did with his gf and girl he cheated with. All people male or female have the capabilities to be selfish, destructive, dishonourable, cheating, a liar etc etc etc. I think it's sad that that's your overview of men, i.e. that they're not to be trusted. As Sunflower said maybe you could benefit from further councelling? I have 100% trust in my bf, he's a great guy, wouldn't it be an awful shame if I didn't give him the trust he deserves because I had a deeply ingrained distrust of men? I'd say that would stop my relationship being as happy as it is. Distrust is a horrible thing. So yeah fair play for dealing with the situation and making a positive decision that you need a man you can trust but also consider future councelling, it would be awful to sabotage any future amazing relationship because you have a bad view of men.

Best of luck

I am a friend

scaredtotrust wrote: »

I feel like a bitch for keeping this from him but I'm putting my career first.

Not in the slightest.... Remember why you are doing this - because he kept something very serious from you....

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Not in the slightest.... Remember why you are doing this - because he kept something very serious from you....

I have to keep reminding myself of that, no matter which angle I look at it from I can't believe he hid this from me. Another thing that kills me is I don't know how many of his work friends know about it. I know our college friends definitely don't know but the idea that he thought he could keep this from me given how small Dublin is really baffles me.

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

You're a breathe of fresh air in here. Most times the OP is someone who just won't do what's best for themselves at all. They excuse, justify, bargain and everything else to avoid the fact that they really shouldn't be with the person they're with. You taken note of the red flags, considered it calmly and realise that the person you're with isn't worthy of you or your trust. At 22 years of age that's just amazing, most 22 year olds wouldn't have the maturity to read the writing on the wall and deal with it. So yeah you're going to be fine, I'm sure.

With regards to men not being trustworthy: ( I know you were angry when you wrote that and generalising ), I can promise you that the majority of them actually are very trustworthy. The majority of my friends are male, not one of them has ever behaved in the way your bf did with his gf and girl he cheated with. All people male or female have the capabilities to be selfish, destructive, dishonourable, cheating, a liar etc etc etc. I think it's sad that that's your overview of men, i.e. that they're not to be trusted. As Sunflower said maybe you could benefit from further councelling? I have 100% trust in my bf, he's a great guy, wouldn't it be an awful shame if I didn't give him the trust he deserves because I had a deeply ingrained distrust of men? I'd say that would stop my relationship being as happy as it is. Distrust is a horrible thing. So yeah fair play for dealing with the situation and making a positive decision that you need a man you can trust but also consider future councelling, it would be awful to sabotage any future amazing relationship because you have a bad view of men.

Best of luck

curlzy, your response brought tears to my eyes. The capacity of people on this forum to be kind and honest sometimes amazes me. You're right that I deserve someone who is worthy of my trust, ironically I felt having known him for so long and through college that he was deserving of my trust. I will look into going back to counseling, I originally went through my college and the service is over for the summer unfortunately.

I'm trying not to think ahead to next week, I don't know how I'm going to do it but it has to be done. I'm really afraid he won't listen to me at all and will do everything to make it my fault or that I'm in the wrong cos I can't trust him...that kind of says it all really doesn't it?

Thanks again everyone, I'm going to have to look back at this thread to give me some strength before I go through with it.