Sister in law taking advantage of her parents

LegacyUser

I've just come home from visiting my inlaws. They are minding their young grandchild again because her mum (my sister in law) decided she needed a break with her husband before her new baby arrived. The inlaws are so tired from minding the child, not to mention that they couldn't do anything all weekend as they had to mind her and will have her until the end of the week.

My sister in law does this regularly and I think its very unfair of her. My husband raised this with her before but her defence was that her parents "love the grandchild and are always offering to mind her". They do love her but that's not a reason to leave her with them three or four days and a few nights a week. They are so tired all the time and can't come over to ours etc for dinner because they have committed to childminding or are tired from it. Should hubby bring it up with her again? Her husbands family aren't roped in for minding half as much.

Kevin Duffy

yowzaaaaaaaa wrote: »

I've just come home from visiting my inlaws. They are minding their young grandchild again because her mum (my sister in law) decided she needed a break with her husband before her new baby arrived. The inlaws are so tired from minding the child, not to mention that they couldn't do anything all weekend as they had to mind her and will have her until the end of the week.

My sister in law does this regularly and I think its very unfair of her. My husband raised this with her before but her defence was that her parents "love the grandchild and are always offering to mind her". They do love her but that's not a reason to leave her with them three or four days and a few nights a week. They are so tired all the time and can't come over to ours etc for dinner because they have committed to childminding or are tired from it. Should hubby bring it up with her again? Her husbands family aren't roped in for minding half as much.

I would suggest that unless this is directly affecting you in some way or you parents-in-law make it your business, you steer well clear. Support your husband, let him and his family make their bones together and always be wary of putting yourself in harm's way by speaking about someone else's family, no matter how close you are to them.

shinikins

I'd echo what Kevin Duffy has said, if you involve yourself here, you will end up beingthe bad guy. At the end of the day, if it were too much for your in-laws, I'm sure they would tell their daughter so.

thefeatheredcat

You sound disheartened OP. If they are happy to look after them, then don't rock the boat. It's not nice to see it, certainly if they are tired, but it's also their choice to do so and even though it may tire them, they might really enjoy it. If it were the case that they were minding the child for one reason that was necessary but were lied to and it was unnecessary then I would speak up.

Perhaps it should only be brought up in the context of your husband and you offering support to the parents or to inlaws by offering to mind them to take the strain off them? Perhaps by being available yourselves at their home while they mind the child might be welcomed so they can relax a little. And if they can't come to you for dinner, why not take dinner to them? Maybe have a word with the inlaws in a concerned way if they seem over-tired or if they mind it and I'm sure they would understand your concerns of being taken advantage of (although I wouldn't put it to them "being taken advantage of" and assure you that they want to help out a bit and enjoy it, but do ask if there is anything that you can do to help them out or offer to take the child for a day out while they get rest. Maybe they don't want to admit it takes energy out of them, but I'm sure it's replaced by joy and being able to help.

tinkerbell

So these are your husband's parents right? Why doesn't your husband talk to his parents and see how they feel about it? Maybe they feel too intimidated or guilty to say no when the daughter just dumps the kid on them, and would rather say no but are trying to keep the peace?

It's not fair on your parents-in-law to be stuck minding their grandchild all the time. They've already raised children and are presumably at a point in their lives where they'd like a bit of peace and quiet from all that. So I'd suggest that your husband speaks to them about it.

LegacyUser

Thanks.

My husband spoke to her about this before. She agreed she was taking advantage and put the child in a creche several mornings a week. Now she is pregnant again she is working less and calling on her parents to mind the child more to give her a rest. She and her husband decided to have "one last holiday on their own (her words" before baby number two arrived so left the child with the grandparents for a week.

Both of the grandparents have said they love having the child around but also that they would love a break and have some more time to themselves. My husband does want to speak to his sister again but the grandparents have told him not to upset her while she's pregnant.

Miss Fluff

This really isn't any of your business to be honest. If your husband is distressed by this then let him bring it up but for the sake of maintaining a healthy relationship with all of your in-laws I'd keep your beak out of it if I were you

Dark Phoenix

I'd keep out of it. Your in laws are adults. If they are tired because they are unable to say no to their daughter then sorry to be blunt but that is their perogative and their problem they did not have to mind the child again, they chose to.It doesn;t directly affect you and I think it is one of those situations where if you get involved it won;t benefit anyone

Elle Collins

Miss Fluff wrote: »

This really isn't any of your business to be honest. If your husband is distressed by this then let him bring it up but for the sake of maintaining a healthy relationship with all of your in-laws I'd keep your beak out of it if I were you

+ 1

Keep your beak well out. It's none of your business.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the comments.

My husband is very, very upset by this and is wondering what will happen when baby number two arrives as his sister has mentioned leaving her child with them for a month and visiting her at there house.

Like I said he raised this before and she admitted she was taking advantage and made some changes but now things have slipped again. I would not confront her as I don't think its my place but I am not sure how my husband could approach this.

qwerty13

yowzaaaaaaaa wrote: »

... what will happen when baby number two arrives as his sister has mentioned leaving her child with them for a month and visiting her at there house.

She has some cheek! And if that's how she feels about baby no 2, why did she bother getting pregnant?!

Maybe her parents have indulged her in this frankly ridiculous way all of her life, and she has princess syndrome now and can't see why her behaviour is absolutely unreasonable and selfish. No matter what, I think it is between her and her parents though. They can choose to put up with her carry on, or to just say NO (which they should've said a long time ago by the sound of things!)

implausible

Look, everyone's family has a different dynamic and as qwery13 has said, it sounds like she has been and is being indulged. Grandparents are often martyrs, but this situation is of their own creation. They're not willing to rock the boat, so the only way to ease your concern for them, without getting your head bitten off, is for you and your husband to offer to babysit the odd time.

tinkerbell

yowzaaaaaaaa wrote: »

Thanks for the comments.

My husband is very, very upset by this and is wondering what will happen when baby number two arrives as his sister has mentioned leaving her child with them for a month and visiting her at there house.

:eek: I can't believe that. I don't understand what is wrong with some people who think it is perfectly ok that just because they have a baby, everyone else should just pick up the slack. That's ridiculous that she wants to leave her kid with the grandparents for a month. If she can't cope with being a mother of two children, then she should be sorting that out with her husband and arranging a schedule or whatever - not expecting the grandparents to sort it out for her. I mean what if her parents lived in another country or something? She'd have to just suck it up then and get on with it.

I think your husband needs to talk to his parents and his sister. If it was my sibling taking complete advantage of my parents and they were unhappy but didn't want to rock the boat, then you can be damn sure I'd be telling my sibling to look after his own child. Parents do SO much for their children, it is not fair to expect a parent to then look after the child that their son/daughter has created - that is not their responsibility.