Being honest with parents?

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm a 21 yr old woman and about to move home to my parents fro the summer. I never went through the rebellious teenage stage that most kids did. I sort of just went along with what my parents said and was happy enough, I also figured that meant they'd trust me to be smart as an adult but I was wrong. They seem determined for me to live the life they've planned for me as opposed to what I want to do. They still treat me like a child in the respect that they tell me what I should be doing, when I go out they tell me how much I should drink, who I should hang round with etc. They still occasionally try and make me eat meat despite the fact I'm practically vegan, giggling and saying things like "have you not grown out of that phase yet". My mother also finally decided, to my mortification, a few months ago that I was old enough to learn about contraception. I was 20 ffs. She said I shouldn't have sex until I'd been seeing someone for at least a year but that I was too young for a boyfriend anyway. Usually I just appease them, nodding, agreeing, lying.

This was all fine until around Christmas. I had sex with a guy, a stranger, which for me isn't a big deal but for my parents it would be . While I was fairly certain we used a condom my period was late and we had been very drunk so I decided the safest thing to do was take a test asap. All was fine but I accidently left the receipt for the test on my bed when I left to come back to college. They found it and freaked. Tbh my dad was fine, he just freaked 'cause he thought I might be pregnant which is, of course, understandable but my mum freaked out saying I shouldn't be having sex, I'd get a name for myself, I was too young etc. I just lied through my teeth and promised it wasn't mine, eventually they believed me.

Basically what I was wondering is would me relationship improve if I stopped all the lying. Of course I don't mean sitting them down and giving them a run-down of my sexual history, but should I stop lying? I hate doing it and feel childish but I would be so afraid of their reaction if I had said "Yes, that's my test. What of it?". I tried being honest about the fact I was struggling with college before and my mum replied sarcastically "Oh thanks for that, you've just made my week" and stormed off. I don't know what to do. It may not seem like a big issue to most but I'm afraid that which ever way I go I'll lose my relationship with them.

robman60

To be honest, your parents just seem reserved, I know my parents are the same. This probably isn't common opinion but I think it's fine for you to keep certain elements of your life secret from your parents. I mean, if you asked your mother about certain things she did when she was young she wouldn't be entirely comfortable with that either.

Inevitably, your parents will try to find out, in which case I think it's okay to lie.

You are still quite young in your parents eyes, which is understandable as you'll always be their child so I think you'll just have to grin and bear it until you're old enough in their eyes (mid to late twenties I'd guess).

sparkling sea

shoulditell wrote: »

Hi. I'm a 21 yr old woman and about to move home to my parents fro the summer. I never went through the rebellious teenage stage that most kids did. I sort of just went along with what my parents said and was happy enough, I also figured that meant they'd trust me to be smart as an adult but I was wrong. They seem determined for me to live the life they've planned for me as opposed to what I want to do. They still treat me like a child in the respect that they tell me what I should be doing, when I go out they tell me how much I should drink, who I should hang round with etc. They still occasionally try and make me eat meat despite the fact I'm practically vegan, giggling and saying things like "have you not grown out of that phase yet". My mother also finally decided, to my mortification, a few months ago that I was old enough to learn about contraception. I was 20 ffs. She said I shouldn't have sex until I'd been seeing someone for at least a year but that I was too young for a boyfriend anyway. Usually I just appease them, nodding, agreeing, lying.

This was all fine until around Christmas. I had sex with a guy, a stranger, which for me isn't a big deal but for my parents it would be . While I was fairly certain we used a condom my period was late and we had been very drunk so I decided the safest thing to do was take a test asap. All was fine but I accidently left the receipt for the test on my bed when I left to come back to college. They found it and freaked. Tbh my dad was fine, he just freaked 'cause he thought I might be pregnant which is, of course, understandable but my mum freaked out saying I shouldn't be having sex, I'd get a name for myself, I was too young etc. I just lied through my teeth and promised it wasn't mine, eventually they believed me.

Basically what I was wondering is would me relationship improve if I stopped all the lying. Of course I don't mean sitting them down and giving them a run-down of my sexual history, but should I stop lying? I hate doing it and feel childish but I would be so afraid of their reaction if I had said "Yes, that's my test. What of it?". I tried being honest about the fact I was struggling with college before and my mum replied sarcastically "Oh thanks for that, you've just made my week" and stormed off. I don't know what to do. It may not seem like a big issue to most but I'm afraid that which ever way I go I'll lose my relationship with them.

Your parents probably don't see anything wrong with your relationship, they still get to keep you as their little girl and they know that, that wont last forever.
Your only moving home for the summer - whats the point is spending the summer arguing with them.
If you are having problems with your course in college and you think you might want to change course or defer, then of course you should be able to bring this up with your parents, they may be annoyed but they will get over it .
Your sex life is a different matter, keep it to your self

Kevin Duffy

I'm confused OP - what lying? You describe one sexual episode, which they have found out about. That to me doesn't seem like you've been lying, you were just discreet about something that you later inadvertently let slip.

If you mean you intend to have a sex life over the summer you're at home, I think you're entitled to your privacy and choosing some privacy and discretion is not lying. If circumstances require, an honest, calm, frank conversation with your parents might be in order, but perhaps only to assure them you're an adult, you're being safe and you're being happy.

My two cents.

LegacyUser

shoulditell wrote: »

Hi. I'm a 21 yr old woman .... I also figured that meant they'd trust me to be smart as an adult but I was wrong..... They still treat me like a child in the respect that they tell me what I should be doing, when I go out they tell me how much I should drink, who I should hang round with etc.....My mother also finally decided, to my mortification, a few months ago that I was old enough to learn about contraception. I was 20 ffs.....I had sex with a guy, a stranger, which for me isn't a big deal...... While I was fairly certain we used a condom my period was late and we had been very drunk

Basically what I was wondering is would me relationship improve if I stopped all the lying....I tried being honest about the fact I was struggling with college before....I don't know what to do. It may not seem like a big issue to most but I'm afraid that which ever way I go I'll lose my relationship with them.

OP, if you re-read the above you might see that your parents have some basis for worrying about you. You're not being smart as an adult. You're having sex with strangers while being so drunk you don't know if you use condoms or not. Meanwhile you're struggling with college. Try listening to some of their advice and acting on it.

Come home for the summer and say nothing. But try to behave as a smart adult - for yourself! Stop getting so drunk, stop having uncertain sex with strangers, and work hard (at whatever you're doing, college work or not).

You won't lose your relationship with your parents. It may change. It always does to some extent. But you won't lose it, either way.

LegacyUser

Ok, thanks for all the replies so far. I feel I may not have explained myself properly in the first post. When I'm with my parents I pretty much lie about everything. I don't even act like myself. It varies from my aforementioned sex life to what TV I like because I can not handle how much they disapprove of everything I do. I can't talk to them about anything ever. I had no friends for the first 3 years of secondary school but I couldn't admit it to them because then it would shatter their illusions of me.

I don't really plan on having sex this summer (not that I ever really "plan" that) but I do intend to bring a box or two of condoms home (I'm not going throw them out, like) but I'm already freaking out about where I'm going to hide them, which I shouldn't have to.

I also have the problem of having an older brother who is treated like an adult and has been since he was 17. When he was 18 he got to stay home alone for a week while we went on holidays, when I was 18 they wouldn't let me stay at home for a weekend while they were away. My parents think I'm a model child, I know this for a fact and that's how I've always acted around them but they don't treat me as such. Yet my brother who almost got arrested, got suspended, was caught by my mum with weed and by both of them while having sex (aged 16) always got treated as an equal.

My dad came in while I was watching "Friends" once, he was shocked when I admitted I loved it. He spent the whole time giving out to me for wasting my time watching drivel. I wished I'd just lied and said I was just flicking.

Sybill wrote: »

OP, if you re-read the above you might see that your parents have some basis for worrying about you. You're not being smart as an adult. You're having sex with strangers while being so drunk you don't know if you use condoms or not. Meanwhile you're struggling with college. Try listening to some of their advice and acting on it.

Come home for the summer and say nothing. But try to behave as a smart adult - for yourself! Stop getting so drunk, stop having uncertain sex with strangers, and work hard (at whatever you're doing, college work or not).

You won't lose your relationship with your parents. It may change. It always does to some extent. But you won't lose it, either way.

How could they be worrying about it when they don't know I'm doing it? Also I find your post highly insulting and condescending. I don't see anything in the slightest wrong with having sex with stranger, if you do, well that's cool for you. I sex too drunk one time. After which I got pregnancy and STI tested. I know it only takes one time to get pregnant so after the scare I also went on the pill so as to be doubly protected.

Who said I get "so drunk"? I get drunk on occasion, but hey we all have our vices. As for working hard, I do or at least I try. I hate what I study and I find it difficult (but I can't change). I also occasionally suffer from mild depression which kills my concentration.

tinkerbell

Unfortunately OP, the problem here is you, not them. You enable their behaviour, it seems. You lie to please them about everything because you say they'd disapprove. Your parents probably don't even know the real you because you lie so much. Stop lying. And keep your sex life private, it's none of their business.

Trashbat

Hey Op!

I recognise you're in a very difficult situation and it saddens me when parents don't allow their children to mature at the normal rate. Normally we break boundaries in our teens, which allows us to have more healthy adult relationships with our parents later in life. Unfortunately it seems you have not broken these boundaries, and now that you are in your twenties you are naturally more mature and less selfish so are less likely to do it now.
I think its hard, but you're parents need a slap (figuratively) to understand that you are now an adult and will behave like one (regardless of the good or bad choices you make). Its tough, but I honestly think the best thing to do is be honest when asked and if challenged, explain that you are not a child any more.

Good luck

Wompa1

shoulditell wrote: »

Ok, thanks for all the replies so far. I feel I may not have explained myself properly in the first post. When I'm with my parents I pretty much lie about everything. I don't even act like myself. It varies from my aforementioned sex life to what TV I like because I can not handle how much they disapprove of everything I do. I can't talk to them about anything ever. I had no friends for the first 3 years of secondary school but I couldn't admit it to them because then it would shatter their illusions of me.

I don't really plan on having sex this summer (not that I ever really "plan" that) but I do intend to bring a box or two of condoms home (I'm not going throw them out, like) but I'm already freaking out about where I'm going to hide them, which I shouldn't have to.

I also have the problem of having an older brother who is treated like an adult and has been since he was 17. When he was 18 he got to stay home alone for a week while we went on holidays, when I was 18 they wouldn't let me stay at home for a weekend while they were away. My parents think I'm a model child, I know this for a fact and that's how I've always acted around them but they don't treat me as such. Yet my brother who almost got arrested, got suspended, was caught by my mum with weed and by both of them while having sex (aged 16) always got treated as an equal.

My dad came in while I was watching "Friends" once, he was shocked when I admitted I loved it. He spent the whole time giving out to me for wasting my time watching drivel. I wished I'd just lied and said I was just flicking.



How could they be worrying about it when they don't know I'm doing it? Also I find your post highly insulting and condescending. I don't see anything in the slightest wrong with having sex with stranger, if you do, well that's cool for you. I sex too drunk one time. After which I got pregnancy and STI tested. I know it only takes one time to get pregnant so after the scare I also went on the pill so as to be doubly protected.

Who said I get "so drunk"? I get drunk on occasion, but hey we all have our vices. As for working hard, I do or at least I try. I hate what I study and I find it difficult (but I can't change). I also occasionally suffer from mild depression which kills my concentration.

I'm only bringing it up because you are brushing it off like it's no big deal. Getting so drunk you have sex with strangers and don't know if they used a condom is not a vice...it's a problem. If you can't handle your drink or get that drunk more than on a once off you should re-think drinking altogether. As someone else who suffers from depression you'd be suprised how much happier not drinking can make you. It's not easy because everyone in this sh!t heap drinks but it's more fun being wide awake and enjoying your days off

As for your parents, just be honest with them. If they can't handle it then move out. Why are you moving home anyway? Are you a bit old to be depending on your parents?

Kevin Duffy

Wompa1 wrote: »

I'm only bringing it up because you are brushing it off like it's no big deal. Getting so drunk you have sex with strangers and don't know if they used a condom is not a vice...it's a problem. If you can't handle your drink or get that drunk more than on a once off you should re-think drinking altogether. As someone else who suffers from depression you'd be suprised how much happier not drinking can make you. It's not easy because everyone in this sh!t heap drinks but it's more fun being wide awake and enjoying your days off

As for your parents, just be honest with them. If they can't handle it then move out. Why are you moving home anyway? Are you a bit old to be depending on your parents?[/QUOTE]

She described one incident. One. Not a pattern or a habit, just one. As for moving back with her parents, lots of people do it, for lots of reasons, short and long term. Keep your judging to yourself, there's no age at which parents and children in a healthy relationship are finished helping each other along when circumstances demand.

Wompa1

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Wompa1 wrote: »

I'm only bringing it up because you are brushing it off like it's no big deal. Getting so drunk you have sex with strangers and don't know if they used a condom is not a vice...it's a problem. If you can't handle your drink or get that drunk more than on a once off you should re-think drinking altogether. As someone else who suffers from depression you'd be suprised how much happier not drinking can make you. It's not easy because everyone in this sh!t heap drinks but it's more fun being wide awake and enjoying your days off

As for your parents, just be honest with them. If they can't handle it then move out. Why are you moving home anyway? Are you a bit old to be depending on your parents?[/QUOTE]

She described one incident. One. Not a pattern or a habit, just one. As for moving back with her parents, lots of people do it, for lots of reasons, short and long term. Keep your judging to yourself, there's no age at which parents and children in a healthy relationship are finished helping each other along when circumstances demand.

Her reaction was that it's a vice. That's like saying I snort a bunch of coke and beat up elderly people....it's a vice.

What she's describing doesn't seem to be a healthy relationship. Her parents are over bearing. Which is fine, that's them and in fairness it is their house, so it's their rules. If the OP wants to be able to have condoms at the ready or watch TV shows they don't agree with, maybe she's better off living away from home.

up for anything

shoulditell wrote: »

When I'm with my parents I pretty much lie about everything. I don't even act like myself.

Parents are not altogether stupid. I would think that they have a fair idea that you are secretive and somewhat duplicitous and it is because of that that they don't altogether trust you and feel the need to try and guide you. Whereas with your brother what you see is what you get so they know he is what he is and that they can trust him to be entirely honest.

Spend the summer coming clean about the small things.. favourite tv programs, favourite dinners etc. You don't need to reveal the 'bigger' things. Just let them come out in their own time.

poozers

OP, you sound a lot like me when i was 18 - 21! Also, i dont think having sex with a stranger while drunk is a problem! i used to do it too... not ALL the time, but i've had my moments...and i think the majority of people here have done it too! i agree, its not something that should be done often, just next time be extra careful to remember the condom.
to me, you sound mature enough to not be controlled by your parents! when i was your age, my parents had the experience of my rebellious older sister, so they knew well if i was lying or not so i was a bit unfortunate! haha! but your parents obviously want the best for you...and your willingness to give up the lying is a real sign of maturity...maybe sit down and explain to your parents how youre feeling! soon you'll be finished college and out on your own anyway, and without you making mistakes in life you'll never learn! if they dont want to listen to you, that just prooves your point even more!

LegacyUser

To be honest OP, you are an adult and entitled to a private life. This "lying" you refer to, well it's no ones business if you have sex or who with, and it's not lying. They could throw the whole "under my roof" thing so I would suggest you move out asap and not just for college. They should not be treating you like that and have no right to know all the details of your personal life. Your mother sounds like a bit of a control freak to be honest.