Relationship advice

yh

Im 25 now, I broke up with my boyfriend nearly two years ago after a three year relationship. I really loved him but I found out he cheated on me. He got drunk one night and selpt with somebody else. I started dating my current boyfriend about 18 months ago. We got engaged two months ago. I love him and I am really happy. We went to the wedding of my ex boyfriends brother two weeks ago. He is a really good friend. My ex was the bestman and I had not seen him in over a year. I really thought I had moved on until I saw him again. I cant help loving him. When I'm with him everything feels right. I love my current boyfriend but its not the same I have never loved anybody as much as I love my ex. He is single now. I just want to be with him again.

Silverfish

Hi OP, I've moved your thread as you'll get more advice here.

Asphyxia

Are you sure you're not just feeling lust after seeing him after so long? Could it also be the fact that he is single? Sometimes seeing an ex can bring back several emotions that can be mistaken for love.

I think you should think really hard about this you might hurt yourself and your now fiance in the process. Make sure whatever happens that you do right by your fiance.

Justask

I agree that this might be just memories flooding back after seeing him again after a year.

But if you truely do think 'you will never love anyone like your ex' you need to be fair on your boyfriend and not let him settle for 2nd best

Have a very very long think about what you are going to do...Take some time out alone to get your head together if you can.
DONT do anything rash....

Hope all works out for you

IrishEyes19

Op, you're clearly not over your ex, and its possible the lack of closure isnt helping either. Ending a relationship with someone who cheated is a clear ending, but its horrible because sometimes you feel if they hadnt cheated, you'd have gone on blissfully happy. Even though there had to be some problem there.

Maybe you are moving too fast also. your mind should preoccupied with your current fiance, and yet one sighting of your ex is making you doubt everything. would you truly be happy with someone who cheats when drunk. Theres no excuse for what he did.

yh

I dont want to hurt my fiance. But its not lust, I still love him, we got talking at the wedding and he tried to kiss me. I pulled away because I felt so bad but I really wanted to kiss him back. I dont know what to do

Justask

yh wrote: »

I dont want to hurt my fiance. But its not lust, I still love him, we got talking at the wedding and he tried to kiss me. I pulled away because I felt so bad but I really wanted to kiss him back. I dont know what to do

First off if you are having these feeling you need to set your boyfriend free IMO

But just remember your ex cheated on you.... Are you ever going to trust him again?? Will you live your life wondering if he will do it again??

Just remember things always seem better from afar 'Green hills far away' and all that.

cdaly_

yh wrote: »

I dont want to hurt my fiance. But its not lust, I still love him, we got talking at the wedding and he tried to kiss me. I pulled away because I felt so bad but I really wanted to kiss him back. I dont know what to do

Justask wrote: »

But just remember your ex cheated on you.... Are you ever going to trust him again?? Will you live your life wondering if he will do it again??

And he tried to get you to cheat on your fiance at the wedding...

I am a friend

cdaly_ wrote: »

And he tried to get you to cheat on your fiance at the wedding...

Yeah do nothing - this guy is bad news.... Did he leave his morals at the door?

You need to remember he cheated on you. Would you trade the kind of life he would offer to that your fiance is offering.... You are just feeling nostalgic... Chalk it down and move on. He is not worth it.

greengiant09

cdaly_ wrote: »

And he tried to get you to cheat on your fiance at the wedding...

nice.....sounds like a lovely chap.

Mankyspuds

Oh jesus, dont go near him. He was probably looking for an easy lay at the wedding. Be careful, dont take the mickey out of your fiance. Tell him. I would rather the truth now and not find out 4-5 yrs down the line when you are financially tied to him and it all gets messy. Hope it works out happily for you.

yh

He is not a bad guy really. Im not being stupid here but it was a one night stand and I have moved on from that. I cant help the way I feel about him.

Taltos

yh wrote: »

I cant help the way I feel about him.

So end it with your fiance.
I mean - only going out 2 years after 3 yr relationship? Maybe you just didn't take enough time.

End it with him and do whatever it is you want to do. However - your ex is not a good guy despite what you think - he cheated on you - and has not tried to get you to cheat on your fiance.

Wake up here OP.

Justask

yh wrote: »

He is not a bad guy really. Im not being stupid here but it was a one night stand and I have moved on from that. I cant help the way I feel about him.

Maybe you need to set your boyfriend free for starters...Not fair on him what so ever IMO

I think if I were you i'd take time out and spend some time single, and if after 9 months to a year of been single you still want your ex well then you should talk to him...

Before the wedding how often did you think about him??

yh

you make it sound so easy

yh

I never stopped thinking about him, just tried to block him out of my mind and it worked for a while but now he is back in my life and I think I want to keep him there.

C-J

Op in fairness you come on here looking for advice and when it's given you turn a blind eye. Yes it's not an easy decision to make but let people have their say.

Justask

yh wrote: »

I never stopped thinking about him, just tried to block him out of my mind and it worked for a while but now he is back in my life and I think I want to keep him there.

So let me get this right??

Your with your boyfriend 18 months, and thought about your ex all the time and aggreed to marry your boyfriend...

Only advice I can give you is let this guy go to find someone who will love him and not be someones second best..

Best of luck

Taltos

What's so difficult here, based on what you have written and how you reacting - there is really only ONE sensible choice here.

Leave your fiance - he deserves to be with someone who will be with him 100% - not someone dilly-dallying around even if it is just in their own head.

lilsis

This is a tricky one. But I do have a question. Do you want to be with him? Becasue it's one thing to love him and want to be with him and it's an entirely different thing to love him and not want to be with him. So which is it?

I am a friend

yh wrote: »

He is not a bad guy really. Im not being stupid here but it was a one night stand and I have moved on from that. I cant help the way I feel about him.

You dont know him anymore... You have not been involved with him for years...

LegacyUser

Justask wrote: »

So let me get this right??

Your with your boyfriend 18 months, and thought about your ex all the time and aggreed to marry your boyfriend...

Only advice I can give you is let this guy go to find someone who will love him and not be someones second best..

Best of luck

Totally agree. You don't love your fiancé OP, so you might as well let him go. Whatever you do after that is your own business.

yh

I got the courage tonight to tell my fiance how I feel about my ex. I thought he would be mad but he wasnt. He said its probally just wedding nerves and the fact it was so long since I last saw my ex. I told him that I needed time alone to work out how I feel. He wants us to go away together this weekend to spend time together. Im not sure if that is a good idea or not. Will it not make things worse? I dont want to hurt him more than I already have.

Justask

yh wrote: »

I got the courage tonight to tell my fiance how I feel about my ex. I thought he would be mad but he wasnt. He said its probally just wedding nerves and the fact it was so long since I last saw my ex. I told him that I needed time alone to work out how I feel. He wants us to go away together this weekend to spend time together. Im not sure if that is a good idea or not. Will it not make things worse? I dont want to hurt him more than I already have.

Are you living together??
Are ya both working to aafford to go away??

yh

We have being living together for about 8 months. We both have good jobs so money is not an issue

Taltos

You need some alone time right now to figure out where your head is.
The weekend is a good idea - but go alone... or let him go.

Either way - get some time to yourself - you both have a lot of thinking to do here.

Abi

OP, I've read this thread over, and I do think that you've already decided what you want to do. You're putting up resistance to solid sensible advice being given by the other posters here.


It would be a mistake to go away with your current bf in my opinion, let him go. You aren't being fair to him. You have to talk to him again, and tell him no weekend away and that you are calling it quits. You aren't in a fit state mentally to be with ANYONE right now, you didn't give yourself enough time to get over your ex. I think letting your boyfriend go is the most important thing here, because quite clearly you are dying to go back to someone who hurt you. Some women are just attracted to trouble I guess.

Hypothetically speaking, if you did take this man back, has the thought not occurred to you that you will be constantly wondering if he is cheating whenever he's out alone?



Remember, cheated on you, then tried to WITH you.

yh

No matter how I feel about my ex, I love my fiance. Talking to him about everyhing last night has made me realise just how much I love him.

Abi

yh wrote: »

No matter how I feel about my ex, I love my fiance. Talking to him about everyhing last night has made me realise just how much I love him.

Tbh, I don't know what to make of this. Yesterday you were on the verge of dumping him for your ex. If you do choose to hold onto your current boyfriend - I don't mean this to sound rude, but you'd want to cop on a bit. You need to realise you've a very good man, who has loved you and been loyal to you.

I highly advise cutting all contact with your ex, out of respect for your fiance firstly, and secondly to give your relationship a proper shot. If you don't, I'd question whether you genuinely want a future with your fiance.

Justask

yh wrote: »

No matter how I feel about my ex, I love my fiance. Talking to him about everyhing last night has made me realise just how much I love him.

A couple of days ago you wanted to run into the sun set with you ex and now after one night you dont????

IMO I really dont think you know what you want... you can turn love off and on like that..but if you have a secret method of doing so we would all love to know

Do you love your boyfriend or your ex...cos im confused now

yh

For some reason things seem much clearer in my head today. Maybe its beacause everything is out in the open now. I think part of me will always love my ex on some level but I am in love with my fiance, I love him to bits. He is by far the best thing in my life and I dont want to lose him. Took me a few weeks to realise it but Im glad I finally did. He is everything I ever wanted.

C-J

Right so can this nonsense be closed so?!

Abi

yh wrote: »

For some reason things seem much clearer in my head today. Maybe its beacause everything is out in the open now. I think part of me will always love my ex on some level but I am in love with my fiance, I love him to bits. He is by far the best thing in my life and I dont want to lose him. Took me a few weeks to realise it but Im glad I finally did. He is everything I ever wanted.

But yesterday you wanted to run off with your ex?

Look, the way I see it is, your first few posts are how you really feel. I'm thinking you don't like the responses you've received, and are attempting to turn things around for our appraisal. I don't mean to sound patronizing, but you're saying that this realization came to you a few weeks ago. Then why the thread? It's certainly not what you're saying yesterday.

In one sense, you did want some honesty because you told us what your ex had done. In another, I think that your feelings are still so strong for your ex, you were hoping we'd say something that would justify leaving your fiance and running back to your no good ex. You're thinking with a foolish heart, not your head.

It seems to me that you're settling for your fiance, it's selfish, and he deserves better than this treatment. When you said you'd discussed this with him last night etc., you said it so flippantly. I'd imagine the man was cut up inside, and in a desperate attempt to make you see sense he wanted to take you away for the weekend. Your previous post made me believe that you were beginning to see sense, but in hindsight I don't think it's the case at all, given what I've highlighted above. I go back to my original statement, you need to reset. Spend some time ALONE. No fiance, no ex. Nobody likes being alone OP, but stringing along your fiance is incredibly selfish. You're either in it 100% or not. If you can't bring yourself to do that, at least take the ring off your finger, because you're living a lie. You said previously you still loved your ex, so basically your fiance is a replacement for him. As soon as you met your ex again, fiance just didn't cut the mustard.


You wanted honesty, you got it. What you choose to do with it is your own business.

Maple

C-J wrote: »

Right so can this nonsense be closed so?!

Please do not post in this tone again.

yh wrote: »

For some reason things seem much clearer in my head today. Maybe its beacause everything is out in the open now. I think part of me will always love my ex on some level but I am in love with my fiance, I love him to bits. He is by far the best thing in my life and I dont want to lose him. Took me a few weeks to realise it but Im glad I finally did. He is everything I ever wanted.

OP, it sounds like your issue has been resolved so I am closing this thread.

Maple