Cutting mother out of my life-advice please

noah45

I am 45yrs old, never ever felt loved by her although she insists she loves me ad I believe that in her mind she does, but doesn't show it. I could write a book of how badly she has treated me emotionally and how bad she has always made me feel but I will just try to outline things:

Told me as a teenager that I was Retarded
Criticises everything I do
Constantly belittles me
Does not support me emotionally-eg when I went thru a separation
made a scene when I eventually met a new partner
made a scene at 2 family events in my home
At a very important event recently she told me I was horrible to her and that I needed to start being nice to her.She ruined my day.

I have always let her bully me and I am afraid of her -at 45.
My sister gets on great with her but does acknowledge that she treats me differently. I have always felt in the wrong but after the last event I realise that I can't live like this anymore.

She told me not to tell anyone about the last 2 events of where she attacked me and ran me down so I don't think my father has a clue, even if he did he would prob side with her.

Thing is that I would be way happier without her in my life but would be made to feel so guilty. I don't like her or love her.

I really need advice here. I feel like cutting her out of my life for good but how do I deal with the guilt?

Daisy M

Hi speaking from experience, you need to find a solution that you can live with. Dont expect to be ever 100% comfortable with whatever decision you make, your going to have to make the decision that you find easiest to live with.
My mother sounds pretty similar to yours, she has lots of good points too but boy are they well out weighed by some of the nasty things she says and does. After a recent onslaught from her one in a long line, I had really had enough and kept away for some time. In the mean time there were lots of family events going on where I saw her and also she called to my home, on these occasions she will rarely show her true colours maybe do a small bit of sniping but that is easy enough to handle. The problem usually occurs when I visit her house, my children are usually with me. It will never happen if my husband is with me, so for now I am only visiting irregularly with him or if my sister is there. The sense of relief since I made that decision is huge, no guilt that I am not visiting or no worry that she will start a row in front of the children again.
TRy and reach a conclusion you can live with and dont spend too much time stressing about it, its not good for you. Best of luck.

noah45

Thank you for reply, I don't want to even speak to her. We are 80miles apart. She told me that I am not nice on the phone.
I don't intend phoning her but what'll happen there is that I'll be in the bad books for not phoning, and my father will get cut off without even knowing what went on.

Taltos

Sounds like you really have no choice - cut her off or end up in hospital or worse.

Would suggest you sit your sister and father down. Spell out some home truths, maybe acknowledge that of course you had a part to play and this is not about blame - either them or your mother. Just you have reached the point where you cannot and will not take this abuse anymore.

Then make it clear that you are going to change all your numbers, you will share it with both of them provided they will never share it with your mother. Also let them know they are welcome but that again your mother is not and you will not be visiting her.

Wrap it up by telling them that while this is killing you and you know it will hurt them too that your mind is made up and that there is no longer any other way forward. You will not accept any approaches to reconcile and it is time you moved on with your life without her in it in any form.

Now - any letters etc you ever receive - return unopened.
Stick with this - and maybe seek someone to talk to - you are going to need support through all this - and on your bad days you will be sorely tempted to pick up the phone - so get the help you need to accept that your mothers behaviour is none of your responsibility.

Best of luck OP.
(Be prepared - if your father & sister cannot support you on this then you know they will have to be cut out too - as horrible as that is - it might be the only way to go.)

tenchi-fan

You don't need to cut her out completely. Just keep a bigger distance. Stop inviting her to or telling her about events that are important to you. Call less frequently. When you phone her keep the conversation to small talk, tell her about new clothes you bought, talk about the weather, enquire about her neighbours, etc. No need to talk about yourself if you know she's going to criticise.

noah45

Techie-fan tbh thats the way it has been and its no good she makes it her business to get into my life in order to rule me. I am made to feel guilty and bad no matter what I do.

I feel that Taltos suggestion is probably the best, I agree there is some blame on my part too. But I really cannot deal with her anymore and it has been affecting my mental health for years.

LegacyUser

Hi Noah45, I feel sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation but you are not gaining anything positive from the relationship with your mother, if anything your mother sounds like a complete drain on you and your mental health. You deserve better than this, she has taken up far too much of your happiness to date. My father treated me the same when i got pregnant at 18, I was called all sorts of things and kicked out of home with no money but managed to get on very well career wise etc. He died just before I qualified and I have no happy memories of him and no regrets for not speaking to him for years before he died. He, like your mother sounds like a toxic parent. Let her go, but explain if you can to your dad and maybe to her as well. Best of luck for the future. Be good to yourself.