Find it impossible to pull in clubs

LegacyUser

I left the night club early......again. I've been doing that a lot lately. In the past I used to stay until the music stopped but now I don't even bother waiting. What's the point? I already know that nothing is going to happen.

Where to begin? I'm a male, in my late twenties. I have a lot going for me. Actually I'm very lucky. I'm from a good stable supporting family, I've received a very good education, I have a large group of friends and I've been told repeatedly that I am very attractive. My big weakness however is that I find it impossible to pull women in nightclubs. This may sound like a trivial thing but when you consider that it is still the most common way of meeting members of the opposite sex in this country it is a big problem.

What it comes down to really is a lack of basic confidence I think. If I catch a girl's eye I immediately look away. If I'm on the dance floor and I think a girl is interested in me I am paralysed and don't know what to do. Whenever I attempt to chat to a girl after a few sentences I generally run out of things to say and it quickly gets awkward. I do not know how to read basic signals like if a girl is interested in me or not.

Each time I go out I have some small bit of hope but it's quickly replaced by impotence and self loathing.

I definitely fear rejection. Perhaps it is a lack of courage although in the past I have done a bungee jump and told a friend that I had strong feelings for her whilst sober (which had the desired affect for what it's worth).

Another thing that I find difficult about clubs is how superficial the whole thing feels. Like it almost feels like everyone in there is an actor on a stage and none of it is real. I usually hate the cheesy pop that they play as well which makes the whole experience even worse.

I've been able to crack most things that I've put my mind to but this has always been my Achilles heel. At this stage I feel like giving up going out to clubs altogether but that just seems gutless.

Advice please.

Ickle Magoo

Perhaps pulling in clubs just isn't your thing then? It certainly can't be much fun going clubbing with the sole purpose of pulling and piling all the pressure on yourself.

Do you do anything else where you can mix with women and get more confident chatting to them? A regular member of any clubs or activities? Unfortunately rejection is part and parcel of being attracted to someone as there will be times it isn't reciprocated - in some ways, you have to grow a thicker skin and play the numbers game.

You did the bungee jump, you told a girl how you feel sober, chatting up strangers in a bar should be a doddle after that. Why are you filled with self-loathing? That's a very strong reaction to shyness/lack of confidence...perhaps you need to take up something that boosts your overall confidence? Hit the gym, do some public speaking? Give yourself a break and maybe go clubbing just to enjoy yourself for a while rather than beating yourself up for failing to pull - something which is very common...and for not enjoying trying to pull in that environment - another very common line of thought.

All the best.

Vicxas

I found that if you go out expecting to pull chances are you wont. I used to do the same as you, but then I found if you just go out for the laugh and have a good time then you will attract alot more attention.

I met my current girlfriend by giving her a plastic leaf in a nightclub smoking area, random i know but it worked.

Just go out, be yourself, dont look for someone, they will come to you 9 times out of 10.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Most guys don't pull in nightclubs - when they do its usually a girl they know previously. so I wouldn't worry about it.

Also how drunk do you get? girls really don't like drunk guys trying to chat them up(can often be sleezy etc)

I am a friend

Maybe you look scared or something? Like a rabbit in a spotlight or maybe you look like you are looking - if you know what I mean?

Nightclubs are not for everyone and not the only place to meet girls... Dont worry about it and just go out to enjoy yourself and not to score.

James400

If you went out with the mindset of being yourself and not putting yourself under pressure to do this, that and the other you may actually attract girls, God knows even get a possible relationship.

Also i hate that term 'pulling a girl'.

Girls can sense what you are intending to do from a mile off. They will figure out if you're being sincere, sleazy or genuine.

If your body language or the way you act is indicating that you want to 'pull' a girl that can be seriously off-putting to girls.

You need to think.

IrishEyes19

James400 wrote: »

If you went out with the mindset of being yourself and not putting yourself under pressure to do this, that and the other you may actually attract girls, God knows even get a possible relationship.

Also i hate that term 'pulling a girl'.

Girls can sense what you are intending to do from a mile off. They will figure out if you're being sincere, sleazy or genuine.

If your body language or the way you act is indicating that you want to 'pull' a girl that can be seriously off-putting to girls.

You need to think.

Spot on. Not to sound like a old lady as Im only 20 , but I agree girls are brilliant at sussing it out and no girl wants to be the girl that a guy at 1.30 grabs literarly because its 1.30am, and she's the only one who responded.

As other posters have said, go out and have a laugh. I agree its very pressuring, its almost like when in a club, if you get talking to someone, its going to have to go one way, you talk and score, or else its fizzles out. But dont let it get that way either, if you go out with the lads/group and have a good night, nine out ten times, the happy/relaxed expression you are carrying will get you noticed. The eyes popping around the dancefloor look will only scare girls off. Seriously not attractive.

Of course everyone is acting when they go out, make up, clothes, drink, its all put in place to make ourselves more attractive to people. But if you try and relax and let things go with the flo, you will open up to someone and they will do the same. But the "Pulling someone" attitude will not get you there.

And as for finding things to say, Im not joking when I say, if there is a "spark" with someone, you will have things to say, but mostly theres a mixture of silence, because you are thinking the same thing, "will this go anywhere" if it were possible to lose all expecations and just enjoy talking to someone new, it wouldnt be half as daunting.

But if your going to take anything from this, just relax and go out to have fun with your friends. You will meet someone eventually.