Recently separated and not sad......yet?..

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I have recently separated (few months ago) and I was expecting to fall to pieces but I'm not!
Is this normal? Am I going to reach a stage where it hits me?
My friends and people I chat to around town say "oh I'm so sorry, how are you?", but I'm not sorry at all.
I was married for a long time and it was a very difficult emotional time. I decided I had enough and had "the chat". There was a bit of resistance from himself, but eventually we reached an agreement to part ways.
I feel relieved, for the first time in a long time and feel that I can look to the future.
A partner is the last thing on my mind, I am enjoying just being my own person. There are children too and they seem more relaxed.
It's scary, financially at the moment but I am working through that, having a positive outlook.
I am surprised that I feel so relaxed about it all, or have I done my grieving and accepting already over the years?
Has anyone else felt like this?

Abi

Separated wrote: »

Hi All,

I have recently separated (few months ago) and I was expecting to fall to pieces but I'm not!
Is this normal? Am I going to reach a stage where it hits me?
My friends and people I chat to around town say "oh I'm so sorry, how are you?", but I'm not sorry at all.
I was married for a long time and it was a very difficult emotional time. I decided I had enough and had "the chat". There was a bit of resistance from himself, but eventually we reached an agreement to part ways.
I feel relieved, for the first time in a long time and feel that I can look to the future.
A partner is the last thing on my mind, I am enjoying just being my own person. There are children too and they seem more relaxed.
It's scary, financially at the moment but I am working through that, having a positive outlook.
I am surprised that I feel so relaxed about it all, or have I done my grieving and accepting already over the years?
Has anyone else felt like this?

I do think that you did all your accepting before the relationship ended, I was the same as yourself OP. I felt like I should feel strange about it / lonely and a whole load of other emotions, but it never came. Instead I felt a relief, happier, and like a huge obstacle had been removed from my path.

I think you should tell your friends that you're grateful for their sympathy etc., but you're doing perfectly fine and are happy and content. Its a natural instingt for friends to wonder if you're doing okay, but the last thing you want is to be hearing this every five minutes. They'll soon see you are coping well and happy with your new life

My ex is putting up a LOT of resistance, and still is - which makes every day life far more difficult for me. Constant bickering and hurtful name-calling, and the next minute begging for me to take him back / sex etc. He's all over the place, and despite the fact that I've told him he needs counselling to process it all, he refused to and every day is hell with him. Just be glad that your ex is being mature about it, and has accepted it.

With the ex problems aside, I feel like I've started a fresh new life, and I'm content - go with it OP

Memnoch

It's always easier for the one who does the heart breaking. Since by the time they get to that stage they've already decided there is nothing positive or worthwhile left in the relationship for them. So your reaction doesn't seem that out of place.

Ickle Magoo

Separated wrote: »

Hi All,

I have recently separated (few months ago) and I was expecting to fall to pieces but I'm not!
Is this normal? Am I going to reach a stage where it hits me?
My friends and people I chat to around town say "oh I'm so sorry, how are you?", but I'm not sorry at all.
I was married for a long time and it was a very difficult emotional time. I decided I had enough and had "the chat". There was a bit of resistance from himself, but eventually we reached an agreement to part ways.
I feel relieved, for the first time in a long time and feel that I can look to the future.
A partner is the last thing on my mind, I am enjoying just being my own person. There are children too and they seem more relaxed.
It's scary, financially at the moment but I am working through that, having a positive outlook.
I am surprised that I feel so relaxed about it all, or have I done my grieving and accepting already over the years?
Has anyone else felt like this?

I think it's perfectly normal.

When you are the party that is so unhappy in the relationship that you have been through the whole soul searching, trying to force it to work, accepting it just isn't possible and had to travel the emotionally draining roller-coaster that position brings - actually breaking up can be a relief above any other emotion. Relief that the situation has now reached conclusion and you are free to move on without the drama and unhappiness the relationship brought.

It's great you have friends that care, too, even if you don't need their sympathy this time around. Onwards and upwards to the next chapter! :cool:

Abi

Memnoch wrote: »

It's always easier for the one who does the heart breaking. Since by the time they get to that stage they've already decided there is nothing positive or worthwhile left in the relationship for them. So your reaction doesn't seem that out of place.

I don't think thats entirely fair. If a relationship is in trouble there will have been signs.

I certainly didn't keep quiet about being unhappy, and stated our relationship flaws till I was blue in the face. We had god awful rows (thats putting it nicely), yet he still wanted to continue the relationship, for the sake of being in one. I gave him far too many chances after doing and saying really awful stuff, and thats the problem. He expected those chances to have been infinite, and was in complete shock when I ended if for good.

Take a partner for granted, and ignore what they're saying, then be prepared for the 'heartbreak', as you put it.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for the reassurance that I am not a heartless being!

I guess you are all right, I have done my grieving for a long time while I was in the relationship.
He is upset about it at the moment but I have been telling him for a long time that we were not good together. So it's not like I sprung it from nowhere.
It's helping that I only see him one day a week when he visits the kids and I go off for the day to leave them have time together.
I do feel like a different person, I am happy and optimistic for the first time in a very long time!
My friends are great and I suppose it is nice that they care, I think they are shocked at my positive attitude too. I have been through two of their breakups and they were hard for them.
The only thing I am not looking forward to is hearing that he has found someone else, that will hurt, but I suppose I shouldn't worry about it until it reaches that stage.

Abi, it is a pity that you are still tormented, even though you are separated. But it sounds like your ex has a problem to sort out and it's unfair that you feel compelled to help.

Memnoch, I can see what you mean, but I don't feel enough sympathy for him anymore, he has created his own problems. I know that might sound cold but it's how I feel. I've carried the burden of his stupid mistakes over a long time and now he can take them all.

Ickle, that's exactly how I've felt! Now I can finally get off that nasty scary rollercoaster and go home...

Thanks a lot guys

Abi

Separated wrote: »

Thanks guys for the reassurance that I am not a heartless being!

I guess you are all right, I have done my grieving for a long time while I was in the relationship.
He is upset about it at the moment but I have been telling him for a long time that we were not good together. So it's not like I sprung it from nowhere.

This is it, it's at that stage that it's make or break - and often leaning more towards break because you're just so sick of the problems you just don't have the energy to fight for it to work any more.

When I realised it was over and began telling him calmly, that flogging a dead horse on my own for so long had changed how I felt about him and I just wanted out. I've a feeling you're not too far different in that respect =/

It's helping that I only see him one day a week when he visits the kids and I go off for the day to leave them have time together.
I do feel like a different person, I am happy and optimistic for the first time in a very long time!
My friends are great and I suppose it is nice that they care, I think they are shocked at my positive attitude too. I have been through two of their breakups and they were hard for them.
The only thing I am not looking forward to is hearing that he has found someone else, that will hurt, but I suppose I shouldn't worry about it until it reaches that stage.

Abi, it is a pity that you are still tormented, even though you are separated. But it sounds like your ex has a problem to sort out and it's unfair that you feel compelled to help.

Thanks he does have a major problem, I was his 'property' in the relationship, and now he doesn't know how to handle the fact that I've taken my life back. I don't see an end to it any time soon, but I am stronger on my own, so I'll handle it

Memnoch, I can see what you mean, but I don't feel enough sympathy for him anymore, he has created his own problems. I know that might sound cold but it's how I feel. I've carried the burden of his stupid mistakes over a long time and now he can take them all.

Ickle, that's exactly how I've felt! Now I can finally get off that nasty scary rollercoaster and go home...

Thanks a lot guys

It sounds like you're in a good place, and whats great about it is - it will rub off on the kids. The kids need a happy mom, and this will make a world of difference to them!

Happy for you, and the best of luck OP

King of Kings

Separated wrote: »

Has anyone else felt like this?

yeah - when I split with with my wife years ago all the ****e happened when we were together and at the end I was just dleighted to get out of there.

Never had a regret or bad feeling and instantly was on a happy buzz.
The only negative was family members telling me hwo sad it was - when I was fairly chuffed and going through a period of changing my life to the way I wanted it to be.

If you went through the death of a marriage and then split up as no surprise - it's prob natural that you've no grieving to do.

LegacyUser

Abi wrote: »

I don't think thats entirely fair. If a relationship is in trouble there will have been signs.

I certainly didn't keep quiet about being unhappy, and stated our relationship flaws till I was blue in the face. We had god awful rows (thats putting it nicely), yet he still wanted to continue the relationship, for the sake of being in one. I gave him far too many chances after doing and saying really awful stuff, and thats the problem. He expected those chances to have been infinite, and was in complete shock when I ended if for good.

Take a partner for granted, and ignore what they're saying, then be prepared for the 'heartbreak', as you put it.

Hi Abi,
I missed this as you posted as I was typing my reply above earlier.
Honestly word for word what you have said could have been written by me! It is exactly the same situation that I have been in. Also in reply to your further post (gosh that sounds like a business letter or something! lol) it has been the same for me, I have felt like his property to do as he wishes and speak to me and treat me in a manner that was unacceptable, except that I allowed it.
Thanks for the replies guys, I can get over that guilty hurdle of not feeling remorse and get on having fun with my kids, which for a long time I was unable to do due to the stress I was under, no longer though!
Cheers xx

Abi

Separated wrote: »

Hi Abi,
I missed this as you posted as I was typing my reply above earlier.
Honestly word for word what you have said could have been written by me! It is exactly the same situation that I have been in. Also in reply to your further post (gosh that sounds like a business letter or something! lol) it has been the same for me, I have felt like his property to do as he wishes and speak to me and treat me in a manner that was unacceptable, except that I allowed it.
Thanks for the replies guys, I can get over that guilty hurdle of not feeling remorse and get on having fun with my kids, which for a long time I was unable to do due to the stress I was under, no longer though!
Cheers xx

Just copped your post now Separated, and it's so nice to see you're getting some closure on it. Happiness is something you and I sacrificed because we thought we were doing the right thing.

I suspect you've been holding back on separating for quite some time, afraid of whether you were doing the right thing by the kids in the long run. But you did a brave thing, and what the kids will have as a result is an environment where there is no more fighting. Calmer happier parents = calmer happier kids. You will finally enjoy your time with them. You absolutely did the right thing, now enjoy it!


Best of luck x

nicechick!

Separated wrote: »

Hi All,

I have recently separated (few months ago) and I was expecting to fall to pieces but I'm not!
Is this normal? Am I going to reach a stage where it hits me?
My friends and people I chat to around town say "oh I'm so sorry, how are you?", but I'm not sorry at all.
I was married for a long time and it was a very difficult emotional time. I decided I had enough and had "the chat". There was a bit of resistance from himself, but eventually we reached an agreement to part ways.
I feel relieved, for the first time in a long time and feel that I can look to the future.
A partner is the last thing on my mind, I am enjoying just being my own person. There are children too and they seem more relaxed.
It's scary, financially at the moment but I am working through that, having a positive outlook.
I am surprised that I feel so relaxed about it all, or have I done my grieving and accepting already over the years?
Has anyone else felt like this?

FREEDOM! Relief, joy is what it sounds like you were married along time and its very likely wasn't a decision you took easily in the first place so the sleepless nights, worries, concerns, feelings, the letting go probably all happened while you were still married!! (Actually you mentioned that lol)

When I parted with my ex I actually felt a sense of relief a huge weight lifted off me, it wasn't working we tried, we cared enough to try but for us eventually I think we both parted knowing that we did your best if that makes sense!! No drama, no cheating no heartache other then missing our friendship

For me I do very occasionally two years later actually miss some elements of the relationship but that bound to happen to everyone. I think it'll really hit home with you when you possibly take more of an active interest in flirts/men dating ohhhh the joys!!

Good luck & well done I wish you a very happy future

Timmythedonkey

I seperated this time last year & was soooooo over the moon when it happened!

We had been for councelling which didn't help. A few months after we seperated I found out he was sleeping with someone & I was devestated!!!!!! (Crying & very depressed) My brother in law said to me if I was upset because i wanted him back OR was I just jealous of his new life???? I have to say it took me a couple of weeks to realise it was Jealousy of his new life, & that I wasn't getting no action!!!! lol

I am now online dating & having a ball & loving being single again (other than not having enough free time between the kid's & work!)

I have to say though that in the past few weeks I have had a few dreams about us getting back together - which has throw me a small bit....... It takes time - Even after a year!!!! Keep strong & go & have some fun!!!

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the encouraging replies!

For the first time in many many years I can actually say I am looking forward to the future!
I think this is what my joy is all about.
For a long time I was dreading the thoughts of a life of misery, thinking "this is it, my lot sucks".
But I realised that I had to to something about it for my own mental wellbeing and it's getting there!
It's inspiring to hear that you have gone through to the other side and that's it's ok not to feel miserable, but to feel happy!

Thanks Abi, Nicechick and Timmythedonkey for your input above.