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Am I being selfish??

  • 24-06-2011 1:55pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Going unreg for this one !

    I could be thinking about this too much but I need advice! I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend (we're both 28) for over a year now, we see each other every month or so and it works out well for us. We rarely get alone time though (he lives with his bro and parents live there too but divide their time between their other home abroad) and he doesn't get the time off work for us to holiday much.

    This summer we were going away for a week, I can only make time in July and he agreed that time is perfect for the two of us to finally get our alone time . All of a sudden yesterday he contacted me saying he decided to take August as his holiday to be with his family on holiday and wondered if I was willing to go then so that we could all be together, I said I can only go in July so he said he will go alone in august and we can go away later in the year . I was so shocked I couldn't get the words out of my mouth to talk about this. Although he is asking me to join them in August he completely ignored the fact we had July to be on our own and wants to spend his vacation with people he sees all year round.

    I know I sound really selfish but I am just wondering what everyone else thinks? It doesn't bode well for the future if he choose family vacation over our first solo holiday. I know he is perfectly entitled to go on holiday with family but I feel I come second to them always . He has often had to talk with them about their plans before coming to see me incase he has to do something with them instead....i'm getting paranoid now!

    Thanks for reading xx


Comments

  • #2
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    Ohbrother! wrote: »
    It doesn't bode well for the future if he choose family vacation over our first solo holiday.

    No it doesn't - being honest that sounds very odd to me. He should really be chomping at the bit to finally get some alone time with you, especially when he already spends so much time with his family - it's not like he never sees them and sees you constantly! Hmmmm :confused:

    Has he always lived with family? Has he gotten out there and seen the world and been independent? Do you think maybe he is just a very "babyish" 28-year old who never really cut himself off from the apron strings perhaps?


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for replying Miss Fluff. You're absolutely right about the apron strings,it has been getting to me how he is not very independent from both his parents and siblings. His parents are gone away for awhile but they are after being home and they talk over skype everyday regardless. He doesn't see me often and even when I am there we have to almost discuss our daily agenda with everyone else, organise our day around meal times etc. He is so lovely, but yes, "babyish" and almost feels obliged to inform them of his every move.

    The only time he lived away from home was for University, he has not travelled or lived abroad so I can understand how he is attached. I just am worried about the problems this could cause in our future.. I'm very close to my family but we would drive each other nuts if we were that attached...it would be war !!!


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP, I'm sorry but I think there's no future in this relationship. It's not just the holiday (though maybe it would be enough for some people) but it's all the other things you've said. He's so caught up in his family, he can't actually 'see' you. As you said, he sees them all the time, everything revolves around them, visits and now holidays with you revolve around them. He's not independent in any way and he doesn't consider that the two of you are an item with his family on the side - rather his family is his life and you're just an extra. :(

    I think I'd say 'fine' to his arrangement, and gradually disengage with him.


  • #5
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    We're a very close family too but we live our own lives and are all fiercely independent.

    Maybe he's being like this because he genuinely knows no different. If you're only free in July then he should make time for you regardless, even if it's a long weekend for the two of you alone.

    So I don't think there is any harm in spelling it out to him. Don't diss his family. Don't bring up anything about him being babyish or co-dependent. You can however remind him that you're adults and you want to have such adult sex with him in July that you really think it's best his family don't hear it ;)

    It's nice that he's close to his folks but a 28-year old man choosing a cosy family holiday with his parents rather than a passionate summer break with his OH just seems odd. You need to show him that there's a whole lot of life outside the nuclear family!


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