Another lonely heartbreak.

LegacyUser

Hello all.

I know these threads aren't exactly rare on this forum. I know you've probably read it all a thousand times on these pages, I know I've read more than a few. But for every thread theres a unique heartbreak, and right now I just want to hear someone tell me that I'm going to be all right. That in a year, or two, or six months from now, I'll wake up and not feel like theres nothing more to life than the ache in my heart, and the yearning for someone who doesn't want me anymore.

I was with my boyfriend for three years. It wasn't perfect, nothing is and I didn't expect perfection. But we were as one when it came to so much that the differences didn't matter for a long time. I can honestly say that I've lost my best friend too, as there was nothing I didn't tell him, or hear from him. We'd been through a lot together and it brought us so close.

The trouble started about six months ago. I was under huge pressure professionally and he was too, to the extent that he was suffering insomnia and I was snappy, impatient. The close and loving sex we used to have almost every night started to peter out, the long calls during breaks and lunch, the 'I love You' texts, they all started to be overlooked.

Last week, I took stock of what was happening us, and I brought it into the light to make it better. But he didn't want to make it better. He wanted out. He'd felt he'd been living a half life, that I'd ignored and neglected him. I suppose I had, but I felt that way too. The difference is I didn't blame him, but he blamed me.

We ended it. I've been off work since, I've swollen eyes, a lump in my throat, an a sad, empty ache in my heart. I just want it to stop. I just want to feel the possibilty of finding happiness again. But all I want is him. All I want, the only thing that can make my world right, is his arms around me. But its never going to happen again. And I lie in bed at night with my eyes closed, remembering how it felt to have him beside me, and I'm weighed down by the sadness, the loss, the emptyness.

If anyone out there felt this too, please tell me how you survived. Because right now, I'm lying in bed, trying to get one more day behind me, and not living at all.

I am a friend

Yes I have been there and only approx 16 months ago and now I would not go back with him for all the tea in the Barry's factory...

I thought I would never love again - I am. I thought I would never want a future with anyone again - I do. I thought I would never get over him - I have...

The best way to start your recovery is to put one foot in front of the other. The first thing you do it get straight back to work... The last thing you want, on top of this, is issues with work... Also, no matter how hard it is to be there, its better than having those 8/9/10 hours each day to wallow and you dont want your career to go south as well.

The next thing you need to do is put it in perspective..... You havent been diagnosed with cancer (thankfully), you have broken up with someone who you have not been getting on with for the last 6 months... He is blaming you for the relationship and for his needs not being met but did he talk to you about it in the last 6 months??? If not, then he is equally to blame... In other words, there were serious communication issues within the relationship which is not good....

OP, there is no easy solution here. You can let this absorb you or you can absorb the reality and move on. I hope you choose the latter. Mind yourself..

LegacyUser

Thanks for those replies

I went to work on Monday, but all my emotions were too close to the surface, and it just doesn't look professional to be choking back tears. So I took a few days holidays I'm due, as an opportunity to pull myself together. Working in the state I'm in is out of the question, as I've zero ability to concentrate, and I'm too likely to be tearful.

I just feel so choked up and sad. I'm trying very hard to pull myself together but I can't keep up the pretense. I've few single friends to go out with, so I'm likely to be by myself for the weekend, and I'm dreading it. I've no family in this country.

I don't mean to come across as totally self-pitying. And I'm not trying to evade the obvious, that our relationship had flaws. As I said it wasn't perfect. I just want to stop feeling this agonising loss and emptyness.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. xx

I am a friend

EmptySadGirl wrote: »

I just want to stop feeling this agonising loss and emptyness.

Well time is the only cure for this to be honest but acceptance of the situation does help time.... Did you feel lonely while in the relationship of late? You will also soon feel a sense of relief as the stress of the problems in the relationship will be lifted. It wont be easy but dont contact him (AT ALL), dont sleep with him, call him etc etc and get busy with work and your friends. You will get over this... I promise

rebel10

Oh op, I feel your pain you poor thing.:(
18 months ago, my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me, breaking my heart. I honestly didn't know how I was going to get over it. What I couldn't comprehend at the time was how I was going to wake up every morning without seeing him, or ringing him every few hours, or how I would ever find someone like him again. I wrote pages and pages of pure outpouring of grief and my thoughts. Looking back at these pages now, which I kept to remind myself of the horrible time I had, I wish I could go back in time and just tell myself that 18 months on I would be happier than I had ever been back then.

I found it difficult to divulge all of my thoughts to my friends. They tried to help me cope, but honestly, they soon forgot about my pain, which is understandable seeing as everyone has their own problems.

Basically, what I did was I promised myself that I would strive to do the things I could never have done if I had been with this guy. I poured myself into my work as an initial distraction. Then I planned a holiday away with my sisters. This was the best thing I could have done. In Ireland, its hard being single, most of my friends are either going out with people or are married. On holidays, everyone is more care free. I met someone over there. Had a very brief fling with him, stayed in contact for a few months, but I believe this helped me to push on and was distracted for once!

I know you won't believe this now, but it does get easier. In time you will build your own life again and focus on the things that make you happy. Now is the greatest time to be selfish!:) I met my ex last weekend out on a night, I can honestly say I felt nothing towards him, which shocked me. We still chat every second week on the phone so I know I haven't lost him totally. All I will say is to give yourself a chance to get over him by having no contact. I know this will be the hardest part, but it is the only way, you only drag out your misery otherwise.

You will feel better soon op, things get much better as time goes by.:) Thinking of you though x

Vicxas

Op,

you are not alone, I once thought id never get over that pain in my heart. that hurt in your gut. But the saying is true, its all about time. I can guarantee you it goes away with time. The way i got through it was keeping myself busy, going out with friends, walking. I played a hell of a lot of World of Warcraft (I know, i know) but it helped. I was with a girl for 4 and a bit years and it took everything I had to pull through but its worth it in the long run, just hang in there.

And if you need help, we boardies are here

I am a friend

And OP when you get through this (and you will), you will realise that you can get through anything and be so impresed with yourself at how strong you are.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate you all taking the time and I if I could figure out how to thank your posts individually, I would.

I did a bad thing and contacted him, and he sensibly cut me short. I'm very glad he didn't keep me on the phone long enough for me to start blubbing, which would deffo have happened.

I'm wide awake at this time because I've been awake all night, thinking about what might have been, but a new week is about to start and I've made the decision to go on holiday, on my own, to a place I know I'll have a great time exploring. A place he wasn't interested in going with me! Hopefully this will help me see a more positive side to the issue.

Its been such a hard few days, but even though I'm exhausted I'm feeling a glimmer of optimism. It might not last, but I'm going to hang on to it for now.

Thank you all again for your support. Its been a comfort to hear stories of how people recovered.

I am a friend

EmptySadGirl wrote: »

I did a bad thing and contacted him, and he sensibly cut me short. I'm very glad he didn't keep me on the phone long enough for me to start blubbing, which would deffo have happened.

Ah I am sure 99% of us have made that mistake... Dont worry about it, just put it behind you and be glad he didnt lead you on...

EmptySadGirl wrote: »

I'm wide awake at this time because I've been awake all night, thinking about what might have been, but a new week is about to start and I've made the decision to go on holiday, on my own, to a place I know I'll have a great time exploring. A place he wasn't interested in going with me! Hopefully this will help me see a more positive side to the issue.

Well done to you!!! This is exactly the right thing to do... Treat yourself and keep very busy... Plan a few weekends away as well...

EmptySadGirl wrote: »

Its been such a hard few days, but even though I'm exhausted I'm feeling a glimmer of optimism. It might not last, but I'm going to hang on to it for now.

It may not last but the optimism will come back and each time it comes back it will last for longer..

EmptySadGirl wrote: »

Thank you all again for your support. Its been a comfort to hear stories of how people recovered.

Well I know mine is all true... You will get over this and its better to be going through this than in a dead end relationship... Best of luck.

Vicxas

EmptySadGirl wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate you all taking the time and I if I could figure out how to thank your posts individually, I would.

I did a bad thing and contacted him, and he sensibly cut me short. I'm very glad he didn't keep me on the phone long enough for me to start blubbing, which would deffo have happened.

I'm wide awake at this time because I've been awake all night, thinking about what might have been, but a new week is about to start and I've made the decision to go on holiday, on my own, to a place I know I'll have a great time exploring. A place he wasn't interested in going with me! Hopefully this will help me see a more positive side to the issue.

Its been such a hard few days, but even though I'm exhausted I'm feeling a glimmer of optimism. It might not last, but I'm going to hang on to it for now.

Thank you all again for your support. Its been a comfort to hear stories of how people recovered.

A glimmer of optimism is a fantastic start, it took me weeks before that happened me, you're doing really well in keeping yourself busy, good job!

IrishEyes19

Great advice here, and take heart from all the good stories too. Most of the posters here know what heartbreak is like, but the great thing is from what I've read, down the line, they are for the most part happy and doing ok. Which is what you will experience too in time.

And taking a few days off is no harm either, it gives you a chance to recover and get the hardest part over with. As for staying in bed ect......thats not uncommon either. When my last relationship ended, I lost a lot of motivation, but something eventually hit me in the head to get up and face the day. In retrospect, I felt much better after it.

Just take care of yourself and try to smile a bit everyday and cry if you have to. work, Exercise, not much alcohol, meeting up with friends, and shopping can be your prioritories for the time being. And my motto is, when a relationship ends, take the time maybe to do other things you might have let slide. Visit old friends that you might have seen as much, or take on a project or go somewhere. Best of luck with everything. You will be ok. Thats the main thing here. You actually will

I am a friend

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Great advice here, and take heart from all the good stories too. Most of the posters here know what heartbreak is like, but the great thing is from what I've read, down the line, they are for the most part happy and doing ok. Which is what you will experience too in time.

And taking a few days off is no harm either, it gives you a chance to recover and get the hardest part over with. As for staying in bed ect......thats not uncommon either. When my last relationship ended, I lost a lot of motivation, but something eventually hit me in the head to get up and face the day. In retrospect, I felt much better after it.

Just take care of yourself and try to smile a bit everyday and cry if you have to. work, Exercise, not much alcohol, meeting up with friends, and shopping can be your prioritories for the time being. And my motto is, when a relationship ends, take the time maybe to do other things you might have let slide. Visit old friends that you might have seen as much, or take on a project or go somewhere. Best of luck with everything. You will be ok. Thats the main thing here. You actually will

V good advice...

emmabrighton

Ah you poor poor thing. I have been where you are ten years ago and I have to echo the other posters comments just make sure you take good care of yourself. Whatever you do, dont drink as it will only make you feel worse. You have to keep busy. I was working in the city centre when my boyfriend and I broke up and to kill an hour or so I walked home from work every day. Also, because of the inevitable insomnia I ended up walking to work in the mornings also. I scheduled things to do in the evenings - every evening. Then, because I was so lonely, I moved into a house with three other people. Even tho I had no down time to mull over my lonliness, I still managed to cry myself to sleep every night. I used to count the minutes, hours and days since the last time I heard from him. My ex wasn't respectful of our breakup and he used to call me on the phone every two weeks. I would be so happy to hear from him but the moment I hung up the phone, I would be back to counting the seconds, minutes and hours. It was awful! And, when he would call over to my place for the inevitable sex with the ex, I was elated also! Then I would lie awake all night thinking that in the morning, he would be gone and I would be back to counting the minutes, hours, days... Disaster!!!!
So, this went on for two or three years until he finally got sick of messing with my head and headed to oz. That summer I started dating again and within weeks was going out with a lovely guy that I would have totally ignored if I was still being strung along by my ex. Eight years on, I am the proud owner of a shiny new engagement ring and I never speak to that other guy.
It was hard because he was my first love and I thought he was my soulmate. But I didnt make it easy on myself because I kept seeing him, talking to him and started drinking way too much. Heed my advice my sister gave be but I chose to ignore. You cannot be friends with an ex! All you are doing is delaying your happy future. xxx