stay/go or just overreacting?

LegacyUser

Hi all, Sorry fro the wall of text but I really need some help on this issue.

In Mid October I started to see a guy I met in college, theres a 9 year age difference, me being 20 and him 29. Now it started off good, but I was getting over a FWB situation from my last semester and I had my own issues, self harm, depression etc.. Safe to say soon after we got together he learned of my habit and at first he didn't know how to deal with it but eventually he helped me quit. I had trouble trusting men after the FWB incident but once I got to know him I really started to care about him. He's a nice guy but recently there have been many things bothering me, I feel like I am the only one trying with the relationship.

Now that it's summer we don't see each other often especially due to financial issues. I have however made a few trips to see him over the past two months but he refuses to come see me. He has made excuses like how it would effect his sleep and claims he doesn't have the 20euro for the bus down to see me but yet he can spend money on things like a kinect and new games for his Xbox.

When I came to see him, I noticed photos of him and exs on the wall, I said nothing, having seeing a photo of an ex on his laptop before. I don't expect him to get rid of them and I don't want him to but he knows that seeing them every time I come for a visit upsets me because I've already said it to him, only to have him get offended by it.

He barely gets in contact with me these days, I hear from him once every week or so and usually its just a "x", there's no conversation or anything. But he gets on FB enough, but doesn't even bother to talk to me there, only to comment and like hearts and X's left by other women, "friends on the internet". I try to be understanding but if he has enough time to do that, why doesn't he have time to talk to me much?

Its putting so much stress on me, I'm starting to feel really lonely but I don't know what to do, I really want to keep him in my life because I really care about him. Am I overreacting to it?

Firetrap

I'm afraid this looks like it's a dead duck. Forget about what happened with this guy in the past - look at where you are now. It is never a good sign when one person is doing all the chasing.

Your boyfriend's behaviour is very much that of someone who's not all that interested in you any more but doesn't have the guts to end it. Everything you've described screams of someone who not just can't be arsed but isn't all that concerned about your feelings. Who does he think he's fooling? His excuses for not coming to see you are as lame as a duck with a mangled leg and he's clearly avoiding you on Facebook. He's just throwing you some crumbs of attention to keep you onside but doesn't have any interest in engaging with you. The photos of the exes could mean anything. At best it's plain tactless, at worst he's still involved with her/them behind your back.

It's time for you to stop chasing. Draw a line under this relationship and move on. Be glad that he helped you at a tough time in your life but accept that this relationship has run its course and that there's no future in it.

ManOfMystery

please help wrote: »

Now that it's summer we don't see each other often especially due to financial issues. I have however made a few trips to see him over the past two months but he refuses to come see me. He has made excuses like how it would effect his sleep and claims he doesn't have the 20euro for the bus down to see me but yet he can spend money on things like a kinect and new games for his Xbox.

This, and the fact he only gets in touch with you once a week, are huge, huge signs. I agree with the other poster, it really does sound like your bf's heart isn't in it anymore but he hasn't had the guts to end it.

I couldn't imagine having a partner who only reluctantly gets in touch with me once a week. What's the point of 'going out' together if you don't actually see each other or do anything?

As for his excuses for not seeing you - well before we moved in together, I went many nights with little sleep or lack of sleep because I wanted to see my gf. That's not a valid excuse for your bf - it's not as if you see each other every day - being in a relationship means making an effort, and it's plain to see he isn't.

It really sounds like this relationship is over. And rather than wait around for months for him to get his act together, I'd suggest you cut your losses now and get on with your life. Life is too short to waste on people like that who are stringing you along.

LegacyUser

Wow, your really need to wake up and look at this situation a little more clearly.

This guy doesn't care about you, at all. He has zero interest in you in fact. He's just stringing you along, but making zero effort to keep you. You are doing all of the running and chasing and it's all for nothing.

Forget him. He probably won't even notice when you do..

LegacyUser

Photos of him and his ex still on display in his house? Iy doesnt sound like your his priority.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, (unreg for this) I've been there before-and it all sounds exactly the same. What made it awful for me was that when we WERE talking, the things she'd say would make it seem all okay, as though nothing was wrong.

I never brought it up, as we had been together a long time and I loved her, and according to her she loved me. There were times when I almost mentioned it, but when we were talking everything always seemed normal, like I said. Eventually she floated the idea of breaking it off, giving some stupid reason.

If I had just manned up and spoken to her before about it, it might have saved the pain that I still feel a year later. It wasn't on bad terms, but she said we'd stay friends and I find that hard to deal with because of how I feel. I still text her from time to time, seeing as we're friends, but I get ignored 99% of the time, so at this stage I've had enough and will wait until she contacts me.

That was my own personal experience of the kind of situation that you find yourself in. I'm not saying that you will end up like this at all, I'm just saying that you need to bring it up now. Either it fixes things, or you bring the inevitable on early. Although the latter doesn't sound attractive, it is way better than the feeling of being almost purposefully ignored for months to come before you break up anyway.

Sorry for being so negative-like I say it could very well turn out great for you. Don't mind me-I just had to get it out once I saw the thread

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses all,

All my friends friends have been seeing the exact same thing, but an unbiased opinion makes it seem so much clearer. At one stage I pretty much begged him to text me, a few days later he finally got back to me, we had a fight over the phone where he suggested it wasn't going to work but we ended up staying together and he invited me to see him for the weekend. Its been two weeks since then and I barely hear from him, last night I sent him a text basically tell him straight out i was lonely and I wanted him to text me. No reply. As the photo thing, I feel as if he isn't over his ex, pretty much because before he told me a lot of his exs have left him. He tells me he likes me and it's great when I'm happy but when I'm not it's not.Before he told me I'm only attractive when I'm happy/beautiful when I smile and when I'm upset, I'm ugly. It's like he expects me to happy all the time and be okay with him not being in contact regularly.

The more I think about it, the more I can see what you're all talking about. I have a tendency to not want to give up on someone when I've fallen for them. Now I've been treated badly by men but even my ex FWB treated me better than he does, and that seems pretty pathetic.

been_here_before wrote: »

What made it awful for me was that when we WERE talking, the things she'd say would make it seem all okay, as though nothing was wrong.

This is exactly how I feel, it's pretty brutal when he ignores me but when he talks to me it feels like nothings wrong, it's like an endless, horrible cycle. He'd always have some reason as to why he hasn't been talking to me. No credit, not being online, etc.. but I'm a firm believer of the whole "If you want to talk to someone, you will."

Both me and another male friend feel as if the boyfriend himself doesn't even know what he wants, and maybe he's stringing me along until he figures it out?

I appreciate the honest responses, and I know what I should do, but I dont know how to go about it. I have chased guys my entire life. And he constantly assures me I'm not chasing, when hat seems to be all I'm doing. I really want to call him out on it but because I rarely see him I don't know how to go about it. I was hoping for a face to face confrontation. Any ideas on what I can say?

Thanks all

I am a friend

please help wrote: »

I have chased guys my entire life. And he constantly assures me I'm not chasing, when hat seems to be all I'm doing. I really want to call him out on it but because I rarely see him I don't know how to go about it. I was hoping for a face to face confrontation. Any ideas on what I can say?

Do you want to stay with him or finish with him? Its not clear.

OP, he sounds like an awful bully. Why do you want to set yourself up for more of this abuse hon?

Firetrap

Personally I'd just dump him and leave it at that. I'd not give any great thought to what I'd say seeing as he's not exactly giving you much thought these days. I get the impression that you are trying to come up with all sorts of reasons why you should plough on with this. You sound like you have low self-esteem and that you're depending too much on him for you to feel good about yourself. It strikes me that you've moved from one unhealthy scenario (the FWB situation) to another.

Three things caught my eye here

At one stage I pretty much begged him to text me, a few days later he finally got back to me, we had a fight over the phone where he suggested it wasn't going to work but we ended up staying together and he invited me to see him for the weekend.

1. You begged him to text you. This is your boyfriend, remember? Why should you have to resort to begging him to text you?
look
2. He texts you. A few days later. Wow, he was really chomping at the bit there.

3. He suggested it wasn't going to work. So the intent to break it off is there. What happened next? Why did it go from an attempt at a break-up to you going to visit him for the weekend?

Perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree here but I wonder if your boyfriend is struggling to bring himself to break it off with you because of your previous troubles or because he wants to avoid a kerfuffle. Stop listening to what's coming out of his mouth but pay greater heed to his behaviour.

booboo88

He tells me he likes me and it's great when I'm happy but when I'm not it's not.Before he told me I'm only attractive when I'm happy/beautiful when I smile and when I'm upset, I'm ugly. It's like he expects me to happy all the time and be okay with him not being in contact regularly.

this part set off alarm bells for me, who in their right mind is happy all the time? esp when be treated like a plan b, for him to even say that to you, i'd be walking out the door.

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

You sound like you have low self-esteem and that you're depending too much on him for you to feel good about yourself. It strikes me that you've moved from one unhealthy scenario (the FWB situation) to another.

My self esteem took a huge beating after the FWB situation and I decided that I was finished getting involved, that I was going to stay single and enjoy it. He's the one who started the relationship, hell, he didnt even let me know we were in a relationship, he assumed at our ages that he didn't even have to say it. He seems to assume alot, like that it's okay to ignore me until he wants attention...I suppose it's time I lay my cards on the table and end it.

Firetrap wrote: »

Perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree here but I wonder if your boyfriend is struggling to bring himself to break it off with you because of your previous troubles or because he wants to avoid a kerfuffle. Stop listening to what's coming out of his mouth but pay greater heed to his behaviour.

The thing is at this stage, I just need to know where I stand, I've lost a lot of weight and sleep on the issue and everyone can see the effect it's had. You're right, I shouldn't have to beg my own boyfriend to talk to me, that should be something he does regularly and automatically. I think half my own reason for not ending it isn't just because I'm not ready but because I'm afraid of feeling the same way I did after the FWB situation, where inevitably I had more feelings than the man I was involved with then.


Thank you all for you help, I'm going to call him tonight for a serious talk, seeing as he doesn't seem to have the time to talk, I will just have to make him start talking or I'll end up walking without a word, your posts have really made me see this differently. I don't deserve the way I'm being treated. I appreciate your advice greatly.

I am a friend

You know what, I would not waste my breath talking to this guy.. I would just ignore him in future. He has no issue ignoring you so give him some of his own medicine permanently.... He doesnt deserve a chat, an explanation or another chance...

Your self-esteem will improve dramtically when you get rid of this guy, who is treating you appallingly, out of your life...

Firetrap

I'm not sure having a serious talk is a good idea. He'll just bullsh!t you again and tell you what you want to hear. It suits him to string you along, throwing you a few crumbs of attention and having you running after him. What an ego boost for him. The more you write about this relationship, the more it looks like it's one-sided and somewhat manipulative. He is treating you like dirt. I bet he doesn't treat his friends like that.

LegacyUser

Thanks! The more I think about its not a good idea to phone him, even though it's harder, it might be time to ignore him for awhile, there's no point me sitting here by the phone hoping he'll get in contact with me! It's ruined my self esteem and confidence, just when I was getting myself together it feels like he's torn me up again. I don't want to spend another summer blaming myself for the way a guy has treated me, I know I can do so much better and that I deserve better than that. I thought maybe it was me being too clingy and it was annoying. But clearly I'm not.

I'll just have to hold back from contact, thanks everyone x

Firetrap

I'm delighted to hear it OP. You sound like a really nice person who has so much to give to the right person The best thing you can do for yourself is to learn from this (and your previous experience) and make sure you don't find yourself in the same situation again. You are still young - there's plenty of time to meet someone who won't stomp on your heart like this man is.

annetted

hiya
i think you should mind yourself and let him off. he doesn't seem like a very nice person - he seems to put pressure on you when ye are together - but then ignores you when it suits him too. i know its hard to finish a relationship, but this is a destructive one. I think you should walk away and don't look back. you deserve to be happy. take care