Confused re: living together

Pocket Pillager

My bf and I split up in December after living with each other for just under a year and a half (together almost 5 years). We had had ongoing issues for a while and he decided that for the moment we couldn't live with each other and one of us should move out while we "reset" (as he put it) the relationship by going back to dating for a few months. I wasn't willing to go back to dating after living with each other for so long so we split up.

About a month later we got back with each other after sorting out a lot of the previous issues and, of course, by then we were both living apart and have remained so to date (been reunited app. 6 months now). Of course, since it was he who had originally suggested us living apart temporarily, our new dating situation bothered (and still does bother) me significantly more than him. He says, however, that he wants to live with me again in the future (though he refuses to set a deadline of any sort for this) and that he misses living with me.

However, my current flatmate where I am now living (there's just her and me) has said there may be a chance she'll be moving out around the end of July.

I mentioned it to my bf that this may be an opportunity for us to move back in with each other but he doesn't want to, citing his new job working from home, and that he wants to get more settled in that before we move back in with each other. Again us both living and working with each other contributed to the break up before, and with his new job there is a chance he may be moving in to the office by the end of the year, which he says would be far preferrable to our previous situation. He also says he dislikes my new place (though it's very big with lots of rooms and personal space, or lack thereof, was a big issue for him previous to our splitting up).

I'm confused by his lack of enthusiasm and can't help feeling if I maybe am being strung along a bit, although he isn't a manipulative type or anything, but is maybe happy with what he possibly sees as the easier option, with less responsibility. I mentioned that if he doesn't like my place, we could look for another entirely new place when she moves out and he said he doesn't want to move out of where he is right now because he likes it.

What are people's thoughts on this? My friend says that in my head I should silently set a deadline of the end of this year, by which time if he hasn't said anything more I should bring it up, and if he still refuses to budge, I should seriously reconsider the relationship....

Monkey61

To be honest I think your boyfriend sounds very sensible. Living together wasn't working and was ruining your relationship. He obviously wanted to work on the relationship and stay together, you initially didn't, but then took him back and now it seems to be working again - by living apart.

You haven't really been living apart that long either, certainly not long enough to be sure that all the issues that might crop up if living together are resolved and you do definitely work as a couple long term.

Your boyfriend says that he does want to live together again one day, just not right now. And there is nothing wrong with that. You can't blame him for being cautious considering it started to ruin the relationship the last time. He obviously values this relationship enough to make it work.

Living together works really well for some couples, for others it doesn't work so well. I know couples who moved in together after a week and have been together years - but these tend to be the kind of people who constantly want company and don't really care for time by themselves. Similarly, I know couples who don't ever want to live together until they can have a massive house with lots of space for each of them. Neither is more valid than the other, it just comes down to personal preference.

If he has mentioned lack of personal space being an issue, then let him enjoy his personal space, and why don't you enjoy yours? There are so many benefits to living seperately and only seeing eachother when you choose. Enjoy missing eachother and looking forward to seeing eachother because you want to, not just because you have to.

Katgurl

I think OP you should try and look at your boyfriend's perspective too, all i'm hearing from your post is what you want. Yes its frustrating & yes you want to know where things are heading etc but you also need to listen to what he wants. There are two of you in the relationship and his needs should be met too.

I think your friends suggestion isn't a bad one, but in the meantime resist the urge to push things along at a pace he's not happy with, use the time to give it your best effort as the relatiionship stands now, then at the end of the year reflect back on whether or not it is working for you.

I think trying to force him to move in when he's not willing is quite unfair and selfish.

LegacyUser

I'd been dating a guy for 5 yrs, we moved in together and 9mths later we split up. at the time I thought maybe living together was too hard, and when discussing getting back together, my ex suggested we move back in, I was reluctant, like urself, my ex didn't see the point in takign a step back, to just dating.

now I realise that the advice many ppl gave me was right - u don't know someone till u move in. and it's the best test of a relationship. We were happy plodding along whilst dating, but once it went up a notch, we discovered we weren't suited to each other, we wanted different lifestyles, which caused huge problems in those practical areas like housework, parties in the house, sleep schedules etc....I also woke up to the person he was, and discovered I wasn't the same person I was, and wanted a different kind of partner.

Now, I don't know why livign together didn't work out. If it's a case that u both lived and worked together, and that was too much, and now he works from home...then yeah, I'd say give it some time, try again and it might work.

but if it was just the living together that caused u two to fall out - then what kind of future do u want??? because u might be stuck in this situation for the future - both living seperately, and if u move in together, u break up again....

I think after 5 yrs I'd want to take the next step and move the relationship forward, and if he's having cold feet about it, and from past experience, it didn't work out, then I'd consider how strong the relationship really is - it's easy to plod along if ur both living seperately, and only see each other when u feel like it.

like ur friend said, set a date - give him 6mths to settle in the new job, and if he's still cool about things, then maybe he doesn't want to take that next step...maybe let him know that you want to move back in together in the future, discuss a date whereby he'll make a decision, and if by then nothing is happening then u have ur answer. Also, in the meantime, drop the issue and work on the relationship once u have a MUTUAL date (not just ur timeline, but one u can both agree on)...best of luck

Pocket Pillager

Thanks for your replies.

When we moved in, the first year or thereabouts was grand, and I actually found we were quite compatible living together (although in fairness, at the time we both had full time jobs in offices). Then I wanted to go travelling, and he was upset at that, and soon after I booked flights etc he lost his job, and in order to pay the rent we got someone else in to take the 2nd bedroom. At the time we thought this would be fine as it would be just the two of them, not three of us, living together.

Travelling didn't quite work out as I hoped so I returned early, but of course the turmoil of the travelling thing and us getting used to living with a third party took its toll. So it was all of those factors, as well as the ones I mentioned in my first post, not just us simply living together in itself, that broke us up.

Of course, the factors that I mentioned in my first post are pretty much still there, but I think myself it was the stuff mentioned above that collectively broke the camel's back as it were, so although we would be moving back to a more similar situation than I would like, it's not the same as it was.

My thinking on this is that surely the measure of a relationship is in how you deal with the bad times? So to necessarily wait until we have the ideal living arrangement would be a cop out, surely, as if one of us was to change our working arrangement again down the line, we would have to deal with it, not break up again and move out....

jimmycrackcorm

If, after being together 5 years, you can't live together, then I'd suggest there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. Especially so after actually then living together and then calling a halt to it.

I am a friend

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

If, after being together 5 years, you can't live together, then I'd suggest there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. Especially so after actually then living together and then calling a halt to it.

Yeah exactly. Are you going to spend / waste another 2 or 3 years finding out that you are basically just not suited. I hope not but its a bad sign if you cant live together.