highly strung gf

LegacyUser

My gf and I are both in our mid 30s, going out over 3 years now and it’s getting to decision time (if not past it). What was a problem for me from the start is still a problem and is something that I don’t find attractive at all. Basically she’s v. highly strung and uptight (e.g. her body language is usually like a tightly coiled spring and she’s not comfortable in her own skin). Sometimes people talk about listening to the inner voice inside you, mine has always felt that when she’s like this, it isn’t what I’m looking for in a partner.
I’ve tried to bring it up in the past and talk about it but I felt that I came across as just being nasty and picking holes in who she was. After the last time I broached the topic I felt that I would have to make up my mind about it on my own as it was up to me to accept her for who she is or else decide that she wasn't for me.

It doesn’t help that her career prospects are not looking good after working so hard at her career (as it’s construction related). But she doesn’t want to leave Ireland. At times she can be v uptight, not happy in herself, not confident (especially in dealing with people) and the more uncertain she feels in her job the more often she's down. There’s probably an element of low self-esteem but she doesn’t believe in self-help books or looking for help as that would be admitting she has a problem. I on the other hand would be more open to accepting some self-help type advice and she calls me naïve for this. So, I believe that she won’t change in the future. I’ve tried to suggest yoga, pilates, meditation etc. but have never seen a determined effort on her part to pursue any form of de-stressing. I find sport a great way to relax/ de-stress but don't want to be one of those pushy BFs shouting at their GFs 'no pain, no gain'! I'm afraid when she’ll be out of work in the future she'll be even more unhappy and uptight and maybe depressed. I don’t want to make my life with someone like this. Often I find her difficult, hard to please, never happy and high maintenance.

At the same time I realise that I’m far from perfect (would have had issues with low confidence in the past but last few years happier in what I’m doing and in myself). I understand that relationships go through ups and downs and its getting through them that’s important. And in the rarer times when she forgets about things she’s great fun, very generous and open, beautiful and we have v good times together. I understand (as a broad generalisation) men look after their partners and listen to their problems. But where is the line between being there providing support versus all their problems being just too much for someone. Or am I just thinking about it all too much and I should just jump in and make of life what I can and that I shouldn’t overreact for some character flaw? (ie. by just cutting any chance of a happy relationship out of my life).

I've gone on for quite a bit so any advice's welcome.....

annetted

it seems like your girlfriend is not in a very happy place at the moment. she could be worried about work, money etc. maybe she is worried about your relationship - she probably knows she is not getting the most out of life but this is where you come in. why don't ye join a hobby together, something fun.. I know you say you have encouraged her to join things. I think you should sign ye up for something - hill walking, swimming, bird watching! Whatever - the main thing is its something ye do together. She need you to take the lead on this. So get your thinking hat on! Give your girlfriend lots of TLC - hopefully if she starts to feel happy in herself - ye both will feel happy in your relationship. Good luck..

squonk

OP, was she always like this? Was it only brought on by her career problems? Is this a character trait of hers that a set back causes her to get a bit wound up?

I ask because as I read your mail I took from it that you find this aspect of her personality unattractive and it really bothers you. if this is a character trait then it will become a bigger issue if you're married and have kids where it's going tobe quite stressful anyway. If she's never going to admit that she needs help then that will continue to be a problem. I suppose you've got to decide if that is what you want to live with and if the pro's of being with your girlfriend outweigh this aspect of her personality. Only you can really decide this.

she probably needs a few good things to happen for her so maybe try doing a few nice things for her or take her out to different activities. It's hard to know though, she sounds like someone who's happy to sit in a rut they're in when they're in it. I'm not sure what you can do with a person like that.

LOLA08

What was a problem for me from the start is still a problem and is something that I don’t find attractive at all.

you felt this from the start and after 3 years things have not changed.

Often I find her difficult, hard to please, never happy and high maintenance

the above Oh dear. I would say this says it all really.
if someone said that about me and i found out i'd be devastated.

Miss Fluff

unregistered wrote: »

My gf and I are both in our mid 30s, going out over 3 years now and it’s getting to decision time (if not past it). What was a problem for me from the start is still a problem and is something that I don’t find attractive at all.....

I don't think this problem is all of a sudden going to magically get better. If anything it's going to get a lot worse.

I think if you genuinely feel that you don't know if you can carry on the relationship then you need to tell her exactly why and at least what she has to say.

It's a pretty fundamental issue here because the subtext of your post is that you don't in actual fact like her personality. That's a pretty big statement. And if I was thinking of getting married I'd sure as hell want to really like the person, as well as loving them.

I think you need to act on this and soon. You're both in your mid-30s and rather than drag this on any further, you need to work out together whether you really have a future tbh.

Firetrap

It's a fundamental part of what her nature is and it's not going to change at this stage I'm afraid.

LegacyUser

That's quite a long time to have such strong thoughts on an aspect of your girlfriends personality that has been left unaddressed. One point there that you made stood out, that you previously had low confidence, how did you overcome this?

Have you tried sitting her down and having a real heart to heart whereby you come from an angle of caring for her wellbeing and for her to be happier in herself rather than what you find difficult in her personality? If she does has low self esteem the latter might be taken as a personal attack and defenses raised.

I think (being a woman myself) that we like to offload to our partners without the need for them to fix whatever might be going wrong in our lives. I also think that guys like to fix what they hear as problems so having difficulty with gaining work might seem like an unfixable problem to you at the moment (I don't know all the ins and outs with you both so I am only surmising).

I also think that people really only come into their own and feel totally comfortable in themselves mid-thirties so maybe that has yet to happen for her.

Are the good times with her what you are looking for? If yes, you need to be honest with her (not bluntly). If it's decision time for you, give it your best shot, take a step towards her, be open. If you see her being brittle, go give her a big hug instead of storing her actions and putting a little black mark against it. Be the leader in positivity, it might be a bit of forced work for you at the beginning but hopefully it will start making an opening for her great side to continue shining through.

Best of luck.

legendary.xix

It's not easy to be with someone who is not in a good place. You can do your best by her but the penny has to drop with her. If someone is highly strung or creating tension, I can see why there are issues.