looking for feedback on a piece of writing.

Delirium · 22-06-2011 11:31am #1

Howdy everyone

I'm currently trying to get back to doing some writing. I wrote a piece a while ago which is my own twist on a childrens fairytale.

Looking for feedback on it. I want to see what sort of stuff I need to watch out for when doing some writing.

So, here it is. Appreciate all feedback offered

Prince Dashing and Rapunzel

Once upon a time, there was a king and queen who had just had their first child. The king and queen put on a large feast to celebrate the occasion. Lords and ladies came from far and wide to pay tribute to the newborn prince.

As the feast progressed a wandering fortune teller approached the castle. “I’ve come to pay tribute to the young prince”, she said to the sentry of the gates. The sentry, not sure what to do, sent a servant to inform the king.

The king who was in a very happy mood allowed the fortune teller to enter and join the celebrations.

Towards the end of the meal, the fortune teller stood and thanked the king for his hospitality. “And in thanks for the food and as a gift to the young prince, I say tell his fortune. Perhaps a telling about his future true love?”

This idea pleased both the king and queen and they asked the fortune teller to proceed.

“I see a tower in a far away land. The prince will have to face many perils to reach the tower, but once he reaches the tower, he will find his true love. His true love will have long blonde hair, longer than any other woman. This is how he will know his true love.”

The fortune teller once again thanked the king and queen, she then set out on her journey once again.

That night, the king and queen talked about the prophecy regarding their son. They both were pleased that their son would find his true love. The king had taken heed of the warning that the prince would have face many perils and decided he should have the finest training from the finest soldiers in the land.

So the young prince grew up receiving the finest training in archery, sword fighting and hand-to-hand combat.

One day his father took him aside. “My son, the time has arrived for you to go out into the world to find your true love.”

The prince was given the finest horse and weapons, as well as some food and money. He then set out on his quest to find his true love.

A few days into the journey the prince stopped a traveller being attacked by bandits. The prince leapt into action. He managed to fend off the bandits, who realising the were facing a trained warrior, fled into the countryside.

The traveller thanked the prince for his help and asked if he could do anything in return.

“Yes”, the prince replied, “I seek a tower that holds my true love prisoner. She has long hair, longer than any other woman.”

“I know of such a tower, my lord.” said the traveller. “It lies three days journey to the east”.

The prince had to travel through the valley of the Hyper-active Weasels. Then cross the Fjord of Forgetfullness. Once he crossed the fjord, he had to travel through the Forest of Unspeakable Evils. The Evils being so unspeakable, that we’ll rejoin the prince on the other side of the forest.

The prince was now at the edge of a large plain. He could see the tower in the distance, so he sent out towards the tower, and his true love.

He arrived at the tower only to noticed that the only entrance was a window near the top of the tower. He tried throwing a rope and grappling hook in an attempt to gain entrance to the tower, but alas the window was too high.

A voice called out from the tower, “who is out there? And why do you attempt to enter my tower?”

The prince responded, “It is I, Prince Dashing, your true love. I have come to release you from the tower so we may be together. Sadly I cannot find a way to enter the tower.”

“I can lower my hair and you could climb up it to get into the tower.”

“Then throw down your hair so that we may finally be together.”shouted the prince.

Suddenly long flowing locks of blonde hair fell from the tower window. The prince grabbed onto the hair and slowly made the ascent towards the window.

The prince entered the window and saw that the hair continued to a bed in the center of the tower. The bed had its curtains closed and voice called out, “Come closer my prince so that we will finally be together.”

The prince walked over to the bed and threw back the curtains. Behind the curtains was the princess, who had been dead for quite some time. And sitting upon bed was a head lice the size of a small child.

“So glad you made it my prince”, said the head lice in a mocking voice. “My children have been so hungry for so long”.

Only then did the prince notice the sound of scuttling insects above him. He looked up to see 20 of the head lices children.

Before the prince could try to escape, the insects descended upon him and devoured him.

I guess the fortune teller didn’t allow for bad hygiene.

Sleep well children.