Violent with my girl

LegacyUser

A couple of weeks ago myself and my girlfriend (we're both girls) of a year got into a very heated argument while we were both drunk.

To be honest it was caused by very crossed lines over a throw away comment my girlfriend had made, and hit on nerves over an old issue. Anyways we were arguing about it and out of nowhere I found myself grabbing onto her hoody and forcing her to walk backwards a couple of steps until her back was at the wall and telling her to listen to me.

At the moment the argument stopped and I let go, with the realization of wtf am I doing? I am not a violent person and I have never acted like that with anyone in my life. Since it happened I have been struggling to make sense of it. The memory is very blurry due to the drinking, but I honestly feel like it was a different person. I have never done anything like that in my life. I feel so completely ashamed.

I spoke about it with my girlfriend and after some soul searching she wants to move on and forget about it.

I am grateful she doesn't want to see the back of me. But I am very confused about my actions. They just don't reconcile with the person that I thought myself to be.

I am not looking for sympathy or something here incase thats how it comes accross or something...I just want to know has this happened to anyone before? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I never ever want to behave like that ever again. No matter how angry. I love my girlfriend so much all I want to do is offer her the highest respect. I really wish it had never happened. Help!

Chinafoot

NotHowIAm wrote: »

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I'd knock the drinking on the head, or at least seriously curb it. If you're getting so drunk that you don't remember what you were at then you need to take a look at your drinking behaviour.

LegacyUser

NotHowIAm wrote: »

To be honest it was caused by very crossed lines over a throw away comment my girlfriend had made, and hit on nerves over an old issue.

This worries me as this is often the justification used by abusers. I am not saying you are an abuser, yet. But if you continue to believe that 'lines being crossed' and 'nerves being hit on' are an reason/trigger for violence then this will become a pattern. Because people in intimate relationships will cross our lines and press our buttons all the time. That's a cue to walk away, not attack them.

Your triggers, your issues are YOURS. Your insecurity belongs to you. You are responsible for them. It is very rare that violent outbursts happen in isolation. You need to go to someone and talk about what happened. The reason being is the incident is important, it's indicitave of a belief you have that you can punish someone else for your own feelings.

There is no justification. Someone else can't 'make you feel bad' -your feelings are your responsibility. If the relationship is bad, you walk away. You don't engage in violence. If it is not bad, then realise you can not punish someone else for YOUR past or YOUR issues.

You also need to look into your drinking.

chloek

NotHowIAm wrote: »

The memory is very blurry due to the drinking, but I honestly feel like it was a different person. I have never done anything like that in my life. I feel so completely ashamed.

Help!

This is your problem right here, if you are that drunk then you have no control over what happens to yourself or what you do to others.

You are not a violent person, too much alcohol and possibly hormones are to blame. Your girlfriend is willing to forgive you, now you just need to forgive yourself.

Beruthiel

Stop drinking OP. When alcohol starts changing your behaviour to the extent where it is effecting your relationship, it's time to knock it on the head.

neuro-praxis

I think all of us have violent urges or impulses from time to time. I've certainly wanted to clobber my husband occasionally, and we have an amazing relationship. However being the master of those impulses is basically what differentiates us from animals (although obviously not all humans succeed in this).

If alcohol leaves you unable to master your impulses and therefore unable to control your behaviour, stop drinking. Make sure you never behave violently again. Meanwhile, forgive yourself as your girlfriend has done, and move on.

Taltos

chloek wrote: »

This is your problem right here, if you are that drunk then you have no control over what happens to yourself or what you do to others.

You are not a violent person, too much alcohol and possibly hormones are to blame. Your girlfriend is willing to forgive you, now you just need to forgive yourself.

Sorry Chloek but I have to add my opinion to your reply.

OP - you are a violent person
There is NO excuse - hormones, alcohol, whatever - you chose consciously or not to act in an agressive manner.
All you can do now is learn from this.

Forgiveness is a part - but only YOU can effect any change here. If you don't then dollars to donuts this will happen again - guaranteed.

!!!

I would just say cut back on the drinking too.

Hope it works out...

Kimia

I'm going completely against the grain here to say that OP don't give yourself such a hard time over this. The natural (and well meaning) response from boards on issues like this is 'stop drinking' and 'you are an abuser'. I'm sorry but I don't agree. It appears you are remorseful for getting too heated in an argument and you made a mistake - a once off it appears.

I really don't think it's necessary to be giving up the booze and beating yourself up about it anymore than you already have done. We are human and we make mistakes. They are lessons in disguise.

I would not be saying this to you if you had said you've done this a few times mind you. Learn from what happened and put it behind you and don't let it happen again.