House-sharing etiquette

LegacyUser

I'm planning on moving out of my parents' house shortly into a house-share. I'm in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend would usually spend 1 or 2 nights at most a week at my place, generally at weekends. This might sound stupid, but I'd be planning to move on a weekend probably, and that would mean my OH would probably spend the night with me. Is that rude? Is it a faux pas or unacceptable to move into a house-share with strangers and have my boyfriend stay over the first night? He wouldn't be a nuisance, and certainly wouldn't be over-staying his welcome. I just don't want to start off on the wrong foot!

LegacyUser

It depends on what kind of relationship you want with your flatmates. If you want to get along with them, hang out etc, I would suggest you leave the boyfriend for the first weekend and spend the time trying to get to know your flatmates. It would send a very bad impression to me if someone moved in and straight away had their boyfriend over - I live with flatmates and it's common etiquette to mention or ask each other if you plan on having ppl over - they'd never say no, but it's a sign of respect to run things by each other first....especially the boyfriend sleeping over, that can cause resentment especially if they see it as u 'moving' him in straight away, even if later he'll only stay one or two nights..there's my 2c

Katgurl

it would annoy me tbh.

i've lived in a lot of houseshares. usually the first night is spent maybe having a glass of wine or somethign to eat with housemates. even if it never happens again the whole time you're living together.

he can wait till the following weekend surely?

It would worry me that it was a sign of things to come.

House shares where one or more of the housemates have OHs staying over are a pretty frequent issue around Personal Issues. Very often the +1 outstays their welcome, uses up utilities as much as another housemate and isn't paying for it, makes housemates feel uncomfortable. One or two nights a week is fine IMO, but having him over for the first two days that you're living there? I'd think I'd just gotten two new housemates for the price of one, and I wouldn't be happy about it. It's going to seem a bit rude, and it's going to seem like he's moving in.

Just ask him to wait till next weekend (or to be honest, I'd ask him to wait until after you're properly settled in and on good terms with all your housemates, which could take a few weeks). I know your time with your OH is important, but having a good relationship with the people you're living with is priceless.

MissFlitworth

Definitely the wrong foot to start off on, it would probably be nice to spend the first night in your new place hanging out with your housemates by yourself so that they can see that you're nice & that they made the right decision picking you to move in. It eliminates a lot of awkwardness over the coming weeks (people can be very nervous about a new person moving into their home & destroying the balance!)

Terri26

I would find it so rude if someone did that! You are renting the room not you and your boyfriend. even as another poster said even the following weekend would be a bit much. However that would be better than the very first night to move in. You will def get off on the wrong foot if you do this

LegacyUser

I've had this exact situation, it put my housemates and I immediately off on the wrong footing with our new housemate as she decided to bring her boyfriend along on night one. I don't understand why people don't get house sharing etiquette.

The truth is there are very few people out there who want a housemate bringing their partner into the house for overnight stays regularly, and I mean even one night a week is regular imo.

In my situation, it went from one night to a couple of nights a week to bringing a few of the boyfriend's friends over on the weekend that the rest of the housemates were away to boyfriend staying several nights per week to me coming home one Sunday morning 2 months ago to a house full of hungover young men asleep on the couch, downstairs (empty) bedroom, and the boyfriend coming down the stairs in his boxers. NOT appropriate in the house I pay some of the rent, electricity, etc.

Needless to say, that girl got the shove out of our house and can find somewhere else that will tolerate that because it won't be our house.

A rule to you all out there - if you want your boyfriend staying over, go rent a flat on your own or share one with your boyfriend. It's not fair to bring others into a shared house like that.

Irregularly once a week is okay, but the same night every week quickly escalates into being a big pain as couches get taken over by a loving couple and suddenly the other residents in the house find themselves being isolated from the cosy romantic sitting room they are paying rent for.

Not on.

zxcvbnm1

Yeah - it would annoy me also.
You say he wouldn't overstay his welcome - however I think him staying overnight teh very first night woudl ndeed do just that.

Can you not just wait until another weekend for him to visit?

gypsy_rose

wouldn't bother me as long as he kept out of the way and wasn't too overbearing

Korvanica

the first couple of days are for getting to know your new housemates, I wouldn't like anyone having their OH over the first few days...

--LOS--

when someone moves in I try to give them some of my time and make them feel comfortable, try to get to know them a bit..........but after having my fair share of bad housemates I would just suit myself now. Just make sure you still have a chat with them, introduce your bf etc, you only mostly see your bf on the weekend, you can't be expected to miss a week just to make sure you're not offending anyone, that's silly.

I can see how other housemates might worry it is a sign of things to come, one ex-housemate here did have her bf stay the first night and although he wasnt over much after that she did just keep to herself all the time..........but it doesnt have to mean it's a sign of things to come, your new housemates will soon learn your bf is not even over that much.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far. I've shared before, but I was single for most of the time, and he was in a different country for the last chunk where I was house-sharing and I usually went to him.

I really doubt he'd get in anyone's way. We're both very busy people, so he usually comes over once a week in the evening and leaves the next afternoon, and since we get so little time together, we wouldn't be hanging around in the living room bothering anyone or anything. On the rare occasion he'd spend two nights, we'd either be out most of the time, we'd keep to ourselves in my room or I'd be at work and he'd go to a friend's house because he wouldn't want to be in the way at my place. I HATE the idea of hearing housemates have sex and whatnot, so I'm always very conscious of keeping things down when others are around. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I'm moving out because my parents are really old-fashioned and don't us sharing a room when they're around. They're away most weekends, but it means he can't really stay over when they're around. We won't see each other next weekend already, and possibly not the weekend after.

I do of course want to get on well with my housemates which is why I'm asking here before I do anything . Maybe it would be best to move in at the start of a week so, and settle in for a few days and get to know them before he comes up? I'll just have to suck up not seeing him for a bit because in the long run it'll make it easier for us to see each other.

DazMarz

I'm living in a house at the moment with 4 lads I would classify as my best friends. While there have been other teething issues (sessions keeping me awake on nights when I have work the next morning, etc.), for the most part, things have settled down.

The main issue is one of the lads CONSTANTLY bringing his insufferable girlfriend over... all the time. She is never out of the place, uses up a huge amount of the utilities, irritates the rest of us with her childish carry-on, and is generally loathed and despised by the rest of us. We've told him numerous times we don't want her there AT ALL, but we're willing to endure maybe one or two nights a week, but he refuses to listen and she's there constantly.

I doubt anyone could be as annoying as she is (sincerely), but I think it is a bad way to start off in a new house by having someone over the first night. Leave it for a while then bring him over and even then, limit it to a couple of times a week. Otherwise a serious issue could arise.

Wompa1

Agree with everyone else. I'd usually keep the place b/f or g/f for the first while during the getting to know each other phase.

petes

I actually diafree with most of the posts here. That sounds ridiculous that you would feel weird if their b/f or g/f stayed for the first night.

I wouldn't have a problem with that at all and I think anyone that does is a bit mad!!

Eve_Dublin

Personally I wouldn't have a problem with this but others might and it's not worth getting into their bad books so soon. Wait 'till the following weekend.

tiny_penguin

I think that as long as you have asked you housemates how they feel about your boyfriend staying over 1-2 nghts a week, him being there on the first night should not be an issue.

I recently moved into a new houseshare and when I viewed the room it was one of the questions I asked. Told them that i obv wouldnt take the piss with it and it would only be 1-2 nights a week, and if they ever felt he was in the way or over too much that I would have no problem them talking to me about it an addressing the situation. My first night I moved in there, there was a very important night out in the city and I was out, and did not even think i should miss that to stay and chat with the housemates. They had been out themselves too.Most people tend to do their own things on the weekend anyway. My bf stayed that first night, and has stayed 1-2 nights a week since i moved in. When he is there we spend very little time in the shared ares - only if the others are out for the night or if i'm cooking us dinner and he's keeping me company.

At the end of the day you are paying for this room and it is to be your home. As long as your boyfriend is not there all the time - hiking up utility bills, or getting in the way in the shared areas of the house. As another poster said, if you only get to see him on weekends why should you miss out on this? Just always be considerate to your housemates space and let them know if they have any issues (within reason) with it then they can of course come to you about it.

lace

I have a boyfriend who stays over a night or two a week myself but I wouldn't have him over on the first night I moved in. And if i were in a house, I would find it a little rude if a new housemate were to have their OH stay over as soon as they moved in. Getting on with housemates is really important and I'm not saying that not having your OH over straight away will guarantee this but I think it would certainly help to give your new housemates a chance to get to know you first and then introduce them to your boyfriend the next weekend, perhaps.

Neyite

Since you are moving from your parents, can you move in your stuff to your new house, except for a weekend bag, spend your final weekend at your parents, then spend your first night in your rented on the Sunday when he has gone home?

mikemac

I agree with everyone else realy

It's cool to have him over one or two nights a week

But take a break . Buy a cheap bottle of wine and some biscuits and chat away with your flatmates for the first night if they're around.

donegal lass 4

as other posters have said, maybe introduce your boyfriend the day you move in, and make it clear that it will be only one or nites a week at most he will be there. that way if there is a problem it can be addressed from the onset. i know from personal experience, a new housemate moved and for the 3 weeks was as good as gold, cleaning up and no visitors, now leaves a trail of dirt as he goes, and has loud noisy sex with his annoying girlfriend most evenings. in my opinion it is important to be honest from the beginning, and not create a false impression of being a golden housemate that will be impossible to maintain

LegacyUser

I have absolutely no idea why so many people here seem to have a problem with the boyfriend staying over!

I used to stay over 6 nights a week at my girlfriends and there wasn't any problems. I mean as long as I don't shower there, or cook or do my washing then what business is it of yours? Its not like the boyfriend will be using up any energy or anything so what on earth is the problem? I just hung out in my girlfriends room, watched movies and went home in the morning. Never a problem but then again she is Polish and everyone living at the house was Polish. But seriously I cant see the problem?

Have the boyf over, there shouldnt be any issue.

--LOS--

I would hate to live with half of you lot! One or two nights a week? sorry but people see their bfs/gfs more often than that, they are entitled to see them when they want, most people have enough respect for the other housemates not to be constantly taking over the common areas, running up bills etc.

Firetrap

Having a couple in a house changes the dynamic of the place and this has been said many times here. Some people don't mind their housemates having boyfriends/girlfriends around, others do. Even if the house guest isn't cooking/showering/using utilities in the house, it's hard not to know that they're there. Especially if they're noisy. Some people like to have a good night's sleep and don't want to be listening half the night to chatter/giggling/sex. It's their home too.

zxcvbnm1

sgdas wrote: »

I used to stay over 6 nights a week at my girlfriends and there wasn't any problems.

You sure about that?
I'd be very surprised if that was the case.

yes - I am sure you think it was the case. You are most likely wrong on trhat assumption though.

The housemates probably didn't say anything so as to avoid confrontation.

Most people wouldn't take liberties like that.
Staying over 6 nights a week is completely taking the p1ss in any mans language.

gaeilgebeo

sgdas wrote: »

I have absolutely no idea why so many people here seem to have a problem with the boyfriend staying over!

I used to stay over 6 nights a week at my girlfriends and there wasn't any problems. I mean as long as I don't shower there, or cook or do my washing then what business is it of yours? Its not like the boyfriend will be using up any energy or anything so what on earth is the problem? I just hung out in my girlfriends room, watched movies and went home in the morning. Never a problem but then again she is Polish and everyone living at the house was Polish. But seriously I cant see the problem?

Have the boyf over, there shouldnt be any issue.

Just because they didn't voice it does not mean that it didn't piss them off!
You basically lived there.

tiny_penguin

--LOS-- wrote: »

I would hate to live with half of you lot! One or two nights a week? sorry but people see their bfs/gfs more often than that, they are entitled to see them when they want, most people have enough respect for the other housemates not to be constantly taking over the common areas, running up bills etc.

Yeh but surely the time should be split between both residences - talking mainly staying the whole night. If you are spending more than 4-5 nights together anyway you should really consider moving in together.

Firetrap wrote: »

Having a couple in a house changes the dynamic of the place and this has been said many times here. Some people don't mind their housemates having boyfriends/girlfriends around, others do. Even if the house guest isn't cooking/showering/using utilities in the house, it's hard not to know that they're there. Especially if they're noisy. Some people like to have a good night's sleep and don't want to be listening half the night to chatter/giggling/sex. It's their home too.

Yes it is their home too, but its everyones home. Do you propose that if you live in a houseshare should you want to see a bf/gf/friend/family member you should have to go out every time? At what point is that like anyones home. Again it has been said in numerous posts that as long as people are considerate of shared areas and noise then there should not be an issue.

sgdas wrote: »

I have absolutely no idea why so many people here seem to have a problem with the boyfriend staying over!

I used to stay over 6 nights a week at my girlfriends and there wasn't any problems. I mean as long as I don't shower there, or cook or do my washing then what business is it of yours? Its not like the boyfriend will be using up any energy or anything so what on earth is the problem? I just hung out in my girlfriends room, watched movies and went home in the morning. Never a problem but then again she is Polish and everyone living at the house was Polish. But seriously I cant see the problem?

Have the boyf over, there shouldnt be any issue.

If you spend 6 nights a week together - why not live together? Seems a little silly. I know someone who does that at his gfs parents house - and believe me even though he stays quiet in her room, being there that much is annoying.


I personally wouldnt have a problem with housemates having other halves over a little more than 1-2 nights a week (thats all my bf happens to have the chance to stay) , again mre than 4 and they may as well be living there. And having a boyfriend there not to stay the night is just like having a friend over. At the end of the day this is meant to be your home too - and as long as you are considerate of common areas and noise, you should be able to entertain people in your home. . I'd be interested to know how all the people who have a problem with bf/gfs staying in houseshares spend intimate time with their oh's??

LegacyUser

Can I just say, this whole issue with how many nights a partner stays over is very uniquely an Irish thing. I've lived with people from around the world and so long as the partner isn't taking the piss with using utilities, there is never a problem.

MissFlitworth

I'd have no problem at all with someones partner being staying over regularly as long as they were sound, didn't constantly take over the kitchen/living room & didn't stop me from using anything in the house I needed but, in my experience, many coupled-up people who live in houseshares can be utterly clueless as to what it's fair to do and what is a dickish thing to do (As in doing all their romantic coupley stuff in the public areas of the house, hogging the tv, making anyone else in the room feel like a 3rd wheel etc. etc.) so I'd be on edge with a housemate who arrived on the first night with boyfriend in tow

--LOS--

tiny_penguin wrote: »

Yeh but surely the time should be split between both residences - talking mainly staying the whole night. If you are spending more than 4-5 nights together anyway you should really consider moving in together.

I agree it should definitely be split between residences, it's not nice to be the one to play host all the time. That's not fair on anybody. We do split our time between residences now and yes that would be staying the night, so it's normally him over a few nights here, I'm over a few nights at his, bit of a break in between. Just because I spend that much time doesnt mean I need to live with him, I like being on my own too, I don't want to build a bubble with my bf.

tiny_penguin wrote: »

I personally wouldnt have a problem with housemates having other halves over a little more than 1-2 nights a week (thats all my bf happens to have the chance to stay) , again mre than 4 and they may as well be living there. And having a boyfriend there not to stay the night is just like having a friend over. At the end of the day this is meant to be your home too - and as long as you are considerate of common areas and noise, you should be able to entertain people in your home. . I'd be interested to know how all the people who have a problem with bf/gfs staying in houseshares spend intimate time with their oh's??

do people who have a problem with it also have oh's I wonder

mikemac

sgdas wrote: »

I used to stay over 6 nights a week at my girlfriends and there wasn't any problems.

A lot of people including me hate confrontations.
Just because they said nothing didn't mean they weren't annoyed.
Realy for six nights a week you and your girlfriend should get a flat somewhere.

And while you were mainly in your girlfriends room I've been in houseshares where I can't use the shower before work or use the TV in the evening as the boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn't pay rent is hogging them.
Stranger in my own house

LegacyUser

mikemac wrote: »

A lot of people including me hate confrontations.
Just because they said nothing didn't mean they weren't annoyed.
Realy for six nights a week you and your girlfriend should get a flat somewhere.

And while you were mainly in your girlfriends room I've been in houseshares where I can't use the shower before work or use the TV in the evening as the boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn't pay rent is hogging them.
Stranger in my own house

The point is if the OH isnt using the shower or tv then whats the problem? I assume the OP's boyfriend isn't going to be showering there or taking the remote so there should be absolutely no problem.

SHOULD be absolutely no problem, but then OH some people get very upset by this so be aware.

ztoical

foreignexp wrote: »

Can I just say, this whole issue with how many nights a partner stays over is very uniquely an Irish thing. I've lived with people from around the world and so long as the partner isn't taking the piss with using utilities, there is never a problem.

Sorry it's not a uniquely Irish issue as I lived in the states for years and currently live in the UK and know plenty of people from both countries as well as many other countries that have issues with OH staying in house shares. I think the issue in Ireland is people tend to be far to passive agressive when it comes to dealing with the issue then I've found in other places.

Some people will no have issue with OH staying, some people will have issues with certain things like taking over sitting rooms etc etc and others still will zero tolerance policy. I would sit myself in the middle in that I wouldn't be totally againist OH staying but would expect plenty of notice of when they are coming and some repsect for me in my own home. I had a house share in Dublin once with a very annoying couple who took over the sitting room every evening and I would come home from a very long day from work to find the flatmates girlfirend taking up the whole couch and making no move to sit up and let me sit down and I had to go eat in my room as they would make out in the sitting room and act like I wasn't there making me feel very uncomfortable. I was very young and new to house sharing so didn't say anything and I really really wish I had.

Since then in any house shares were the issue of boyfriends/girlfirends comes up I ask to lay ground rules down at the start, bit of notice they will be staying, some manners when using common areas and if you start having really really loud sex and keep everyone in the house awake I will [and have] march into your room and tell you to shut up. And for the record I have had houseshares while in a relationship and have made sure to follow all those rules myself.

--LOS--

ztoical wrote: »

Some people will no have issue with OH staying, some people will have issues with certain things like taking over sitting rooms etc etc and others still will zero tolerance policy. I would sit myself in the middle in that I wouldn't be totally againist OH staying but would expect plenty of notice of when they are coming and some repsect for me in my own home.

you can't be serious? what makes you think you have a right to some notice of when they'll be over, nobody needs to ask your permission for their OH to come over, that's almost like your part of the relationship if they do, that's crazy. It's not like that would even be possible most of the time, people don't generally schedule in time with their OH like a doctors appointment.

ztoical wrote: »

I had a house share in Dublin once with a very annoying couple who took over the sitting room every evening and I would come home from a very long day from work to find the flatmates girlfirend taking up the whole couch and making no move to sit up and let me sit down and I had to go eat in my room as they would make out in the sitting room and act like I wasn't there making me feel very uncomfortable. I was very young and new to house sharing so didn't say anything and I really really wish I had.

That is a pretty bad situation and I would never behave like that. It's just a pity you didn't say anything at the time as you were only encouraging it, you could have just asked the girl to move up on the couch, still ate your food there instead of feeling the need to isolate yourself. Some people are just not comfortable around couples which is just stupid, you have to assume that if they are in the common areas they don't mind you being there.

ztoical

--LOS-- wrote: »

you can't be serious? what makes you think you have a right to some notice of when they'll be over, nobody needs to ask your permission for their OH to come over, that's almost like your part of the relationship if they do, that's crazy. It's not like that would even be possible most of the time, people don't generally schedule in time with their OH like a doctors appointment.

I am serious because it's just good manners and it's not just for partners but friends as well. Depending on the size of the house your sharing it can be very uncomfortable adding even one more person in. Also what if everyone in the house invited their friends or partners to stay on the same night? It could be party time or the other end where everyone is trying to have 'quality' time together and no one is bloody happy.

And I never said ask permission, I said give some notice there is a massive difference. A simple text message or in passing over breakfast or even via an email or note, it's not rocket science. And in my expirence most people do schedule their time as most people are either working or in college so do try and plan ahead when they'll be able to have time for family, friends and partners. In the majority of house shares I've been in the reason OH are staying is because they live some distance away so you would have plenty of notice that they were coming. In most cases, like my last house share, if I was told in advanced I could make plans to either stay out late or go away for the weekend thus giving them the house to themselves for the weekend so it would be in everyones best interest to communicate with each other.

And depending on the houseshare it can feel like your part of the relationship. My first place in New York I was sharing a room so the other persons bed was only a few meters away from mine. She was seeing a guy [actually several guys at the one time] and asked about having him stay the weekend so I made plans to go away for the weekend thinking she would appricate that and also respect the fact that I'd put myself out and given her that space but nope next weekend she invivted BF to stay again without telling me and I couldn't go away anywhere else the friday night so I asked they that not have sex with me in the room seeing as I'd given them the space all last weekend and offered to go stay somewhere else for the saturday night they ignored me and had sex anyway so I had to go sleep on the couch and moved out the following week.

--LOS-- wrote: »

That is a pretty bad situation and I would never behave like that. It's just a pity you didn't say anything at the time as you were only encouraging it, you could have just asked the girl to move up on the couch, still ate your food there instead of feeling the need to isolate yourself. Some people are just not comfortable around couples which is just stupid, you have to assume that if they are in the common areas they don't mind you being there.

I didn't feel the need, I was forced out of my own living room by a pig igonorant couple that thankfully the rest of the house had enough of and kicked out after a month. At 16 and only a month into my first year in college I just didn't want to confront people but I learned from it and will and have said it to all future housemates from the get go so there will be no confusion.

tiny_penguin

ztoical wrote: »

In most cases, like my last house share, if I was told in advanced I could make plans to either stay out late or go away for the weekend thus giving them the house to themselves for the weekend so it would be in everyones best interest to communicate with each other.

My OH stays every weekend, mostly both friday and saturday - so are you saying you would make your self scarce every weekend as long as i told you in advance. This seems rather silly tbh. How often do you think it is appropriate for people in houseshares to have OH's saying.

Nobody on this thread is saying that the couple that take over common areas and are disrespectful are not ok. But for me having a housemate that wants to know that much of my business is not ok too. If i was having him over for dinner and wanted to dining area to myself then I would ask - jsut as if I was having a friend over for the same. My housemate spends all evening in her room by herself - comes out to cook dinner, do laundry and clean etc. She could be in there with any number of people but what she does in there is her business not mine and thats what this comes down to.

If you share a bedroom with someone that is different as the space is both peoples and each person gets a say in what goes on. But what goes on in my room is my business - as long as it is not illegeal or does anything to impose on other housemates (noisy, colleting all crockery etc). You inform people of your plans if you think your actions will encroach on them - i.e having people over and be expecting to use to common areas for this - dinner with people in a dining area - watching movies in the sitting room etc. But what goes on in your room is your business.

--LOS--

ztoical wrote: »

I am serious because it's just good manners and it's not just for partners but friends as well. Depending on the size of the house your sharing it can be very uncomfortable adding even one more person in. Also what if everyone in the house invited their friends or partners to stay on the same night? It could be party time or the other end where everyone is trying to have 'quality' time together and no one is bloody happy.

And I never said ask permission, I said give some notice there is a massive difference. A simple text message or in passing over breakfast or even via an email or note, it's not rocket science. And in my expirence most people do schedule their time as most people are either working or in college so do try and plan ahead when they'll be able to have time for family, friends and partners. In the majority of house shares I've been in the reason OH are staying is because they live some distance away so you would have plenty of notice that they were coming. In most cases, like my last house share, if I was told in advanced I could make plans to either stay out late or go away for the weekend thus giving them the house to themselves for the weekend so it would be in everyones best interest to communicate with each other.

And depending on the houseshare it can feel like your part of the relationship. My first place in New York I was sharing a room so the other persons bed was only a few meters away from mine. She was seeing a guy [actually several guys at the one time] and asked about having him stay the weekend so I made plans to go away for the weekend thinking she would appricate that and also respect the fact that I'd put myself out and given her that space but nope next weekend she invivted BF to stay again without telling me and I couldn't go away anywhere else the friday night so I asked they that not have sex with me in the room seeing as I'd given them the space all last weekend and offered to go stay somewhere else for the saturday night they ignored me and had sex anyway so I had to go sleep on the couch and moved out the following week.



I didn't feel the need, I was forced out of my own living room by a pig igonorant couple that thankfully the rest of the house had enough of and kicked out after a month. At 16 and only a month into my first year in college I just didn't want to confront people but I learned from it and will and have said it to all future housemates from the get go so there will be no confusion.

Ok I think you've had really bad experiences with couples and that is unfortunate, there is a big difference between people being generally disrespectful and couples who might spend a lot of time together but arent encroaching on anyone.

There is no way I'd give someone notice just coz my bf is calling over but at the same time there's no way I'd ever ask or expect anyone to busy themselves elsewhere or leave the house just coz my OH was there. I find it a bit weird that someone is uncomfortable just because a couple is around even though they mightnt be using the common areas. That is a different scenario than actually living with a couple.
If I'm watching a movie or somehting in the sitting room, there's no way I'd expect to be left alone, I'd be more than happy to have the other people there, it's not like I'm just gona start mauling my oh in front of other housemates :P My housemates got on quite well with my oh, we'd sometimes watch stuff together etc.

qwerty13

I'd find a new house-mate inviting their OH to stay the first night unbelievably unforgiveably rude. It just screams of not wanting to make an effort with your house-mates, and, as others have said, a big red flag to house-mates in terms of the shape of things to come.

I think it is manners to wait about 2 weeks before even mentioning the subject, and on the 3rd weekend have him over for 1 (most definitely not 2) nights - but not for dinner / a coupled-up tv or dvd couch session. I'd keep the staying bit strictly to staying over (not couple nights in) for about 2 months if you want this house-share to work out. Even if you have no intention of taking over common areas, him being there changes the dynamic in the house - so unless you are very young and living in party central, you really need to be careful about this if you want the house-share to work. And first night is a MAJOR no-no! (As is first 2 weeks, unless it is specifically mentioned to house-mates beforehand!)

vetinari

I wouldn't have him staying over the first week. After that, it would be fine for me.

Btw, what is with these people saying that their bf / gf doesn't shower / watch tv / use utilities when they are over?

How does this work?? Are ye all students or something? If I stay over with my gf on a weeknight, I have to head to work in the morning? Are ye saying that your bf / gf goes home from your place to have a shower before going to work? I don't have a problem with people having their partners stay over but be realistic. They will be using utilities, watching tv and using the showers / bathroom. To say otherwise doesn't make sense to me.

The Big Red Button

People specify in ads whether they want a single person or a couple living in their accommodation. In my opinion, if you've moved into a room for a single person, it's OK to have someone staying over maybe 3-4 nights a month, max. I'd feel bad having someone stay over more often than that ... I mean, if the people advertising the place had wanted a couple, they'd have stated that, and more importantly they'd be getting a higher rent for the room!

My opinion would be that, if you're in a relationship where you're going to have someone staying with you several nights of the week, you should either rent a place together, or rent a place on your own where (s)he can stay over as often as ye want. If you're in a houseshare, you have to compromise. One of those compromises is not taking the piss by having your OH over the whole time. No matter how OK you think it is, it's not nice on your housemates sharing the place with an extra person who isn't paying rent.

Now having said all that. I'm moving into a new place in a few days, and my boyfriend is helping me move my stuff from the other side of the country, because he has a bigger car and because we have tickets for a show in Dublin on moving-day. Is it really that much of a faux pas for him to stay over that night?

qwerty13

It is a TOTAL faux pas! Really bad form. It may not be an accurate signal of how things are going to be in the future; but you couldn't blame house-mates for thinking that this is how the future will be, and getting very fed up - before a problem with a pattern of an OH staying over has even started! It is just rude.

Presumably the house is 'established' already - so consideration should be given to this, and the newbie should try to fit in with house norms. If the newbie insists on not doing this, well then prepare for bad atmosphere / finding another place

Penny Dreadful

chatterpillar wrote: »

People specify in ads whether they want a single person or a couple living in their accommodation. In my opinion, if you've moved into a room for a single person, it's OK to have someone staying over maybe 3-4 nights a month, max. I'd feel bad having someone stay over more often than that ... I mean, if the people advertising the place had wanted a couple, they'd have stated that, and more importantly they'd be getting a higher rent for the room!

My opinion would be that, if you're in a relationship where you're going to have someone staying with you several nights of the week, you should either rent a place together, or rent a place on your own where (s)he can stay over as often as ye want. If you're in a houseshare, you have to compromise. One of those compromises is not taking the piss by having your OH over the whole time. No matter how OK you think it is, it's not nice on your housemates sharing the place with an extra person who isn't paying rent.

Now having said all that. I'm moving into a new place in a few days, and my boyfriend is helping me move my stuff from the other side of the country, because he has a bigger car and because we have tickets for a show in Dublin on moving-day. Is it really that much of a faux pas for him to stay over that night?

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with it. However, if you're concerned about it I'd just say to the people you're movning in with that you have the tickets and its a pure coincidence and you hope they understand. That way you're acknowledging that it could be a problem for them and letting them know that you're not taking the pi$$.

The Big Red Button

qwerty13 wrote: »

Presumably the house is 'established' already - so consideration should be given to this, and the newbie should try to fit in with house norms. If the newbie insists on not doing this, well then prepare for bad atmosphere / finding another place

Well it's only one person I'm moving in with, so it's not really "established" or whatever ... I did say to the guy already that my boyfriend would be staying over 1-2 nights a month (it's really never ever been more than that) and he was completely cool with that. I mean the only real alternative is for my boyfriend/us to stay in a hotel that night, which just makes no sense! I'll be kicking him out first thing in the morning anyways so that I can get settled in properly, so hopefully the new flatmate won't get a horrible first impression of me ...

I am a friend

chatterpillar wrote: »

Well it's only one person I'm moving in with, so it's not really "established" or whatever ... I did say to the guy already that my boyfriend would be staying over 1-2 nights a month (it's really never ever been more than that) and he was completely cool with that. I mean the only real alternative is for my boyfriend/us to stay in a hotel that night, which just makes no sense! I'll be kicking him out first thing in the morning anyways so that I can get settled in properly, so hopefully the new flatmate won't get a horrible first impression of me ...

Yeah explain it to him... I would be happy if that was done..