Relationship help.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Was directed to this forum via a friend, I could be doing with a little advice & help please.

My GF and I have been together for 7 years now and we have lived together for almost 6.
I have a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship, but more on that later.

When we first met and indeed for the first few years together I felt like I was simply the luckiest man alive, my partner is imo beautiful, caring, funny and my best friend.
After a few years passed my partner decided that my daughter posed a problem in that her mother was very devious and she announced that she no longer wanted to see her or spend time with her. Hers reason for this was that she witnessed first hand what her mother was capable off and did not want to put herself in a situation whereby any trouble could ever be construed as her doing. Essentially she felt it was only a matter of time before something happened and between my daughter and my ex she would become the cause and she decided she was simply not willing to put herself in this situation any more. I should add that although only 6 years old at the time this happened my daughter was coming to stay with us and was very hurtful towards my partner, essentially she was delivering very hurtful comments etc from my ex.
That was 4 years ago now and although I still see and support my daughter on a regular basis my partner has not clapped eyes on her since.

Getting away from my daughter, we suffer the same problems as everyone else...
Working all hours god sends and struggling to pay the bills along with 99% of the population.
Lately over the last few months things have dramatically changed for the worse, if we have a disagreement or a minor argument my partner does the whole silent treatment thing which can last more than a week with ease. I simply cannot stand this!!! it drives me absolutely crazy and I have pleaded that she does not do this I would rather we had a blazing row and moved on.
I still love her as much as I did in those first few years and respect her equally as much, unfortunately I fear the feeling is not mutual.

Since leaving a job a few years ago my partner has experienced severe depression and imo has not been as happy since. Without getting to much into it basically she was badly bullied by her boss to the point were I was coming home to find her by the toilet being sick and balling her eyes out. She eventually went off with stress and resigned a little later. Although at the time her GP refereed counselling etc she never went because she didn't need things like that, although I felt differently.
Since then she has worked in two jobs and is currently talking about quitting the one she is in now.
Since all this I have noticed a big change in her persona and she has put on quite a bit of weight. She is generally unhappy. There is constant diet leaflets and pills around the house and although she starts every one of these courses she always quits. Throughout all of this I have always been supportive and reiterated how much I love her and still think she is very beautiful.
This has all had quite the knock-on effect to our sexual relationship, it has been years since she made an advance towards me and when we do have sex it is always me that instigates it, this has left me feeling very unsure of myself and very much unwanted, which is the cause of many rows.
We are both in our mid 30's and really need to stop this vicious circle of rowing and making up again.
Her sister is quite a bit younger and is married to a very successful business man with 3 wonderful children and what many people would consider the 'perfect' life. I fear that my partner wants the same things and I simply am not in a position to offer her that as I cannot afford to.
We have discussed getting engaged several times and just when I am about to propose low and behold another argument erupts. As a result we have essentially been in limbo for a long time.
My partners atitude towards my daughter bothers me greatly, I wonder can I really start a family with someone who simply refuses to play any part in her life and most annoyingly they where great together for the first few years.

I dont know what to do! we first met through work as I was relocated 100 miles from home and when things between us started to progress I decided to buy our home. Now she is surrounded by her family and I find myself 100 miles away from family and friends and very much alone.
She fell out with me on Thursday evening and when I came home from work on friday I tried to talk to her but she just roared at me to leave her alone. We did not speak a word and then last night she appeared dressed to the nines and went out with her sisters, this is always a recipe for disaster as I know through other people that her sister is the 'perfect' relationship spends most of the night trying to get her to leave me for the simple reason that she should be with someone who can 'look' after her, basically someone who is loaded and can give her a good life.
She did not come home until 1 pm today. Now I'm pretty sure she stayed at her sisters but needless to say i didn't sleep much. She stormed in the door and went straight to bed, I went to see if she was ok and wanted anything from the shops as I was going to do the weekly shop but instead I was told she was moving out as she simply cannot stick the fact we are going no where. I knew this would happen and firmly blame her interfering bitch of a sister!

What am I going to do???? I am so pissed off and unhappy myself but I know the person i fell in love with is still there somewhere and would literally give anything to get her back.

Sorry for the long winded post but I felt it important to give as much background information as possible.

Kevin Duffy

Sorry is this sounds dismissive or facetious, but whatever pain you have from the breakup will pass and you will be better off in the end. Leaving you might be the best thing that she could do for you - you can use your energy for better things, you don't appear to be getting much good from the relationship and your relationship with your daughter won't be under pressure from your partner.

I had someone like this as my partner, in a comparable but slightly different situation. I left; best thing I could have done and the short-term heartache was well worth it.

Best of luck to you.

metrovelvet

I always get a little bit nervous when I see a girlfriend or boyfriend try to get their OH to impose radical distances between their OH and their OH's family, whether that is their children, parents or sibling. It is often the first strategy in isolating the OH and usually, not always, has abusive outcomes. The next step is moving away and then the control really kicks in full force.

As for your daughter. Your jobs will change, your living arrangements will change, your friends come and go, but you will always be a father. While I fully understand the complexity and not so easy part of these situations, I do feel that your daughters access to you home should be uncompromisable. Your home is her home too. And she was only six and an innocent in whatever was going on and should not have been exiled from your home. That you allowed this to happen would have demonstrated to your OH that you cannot even stand up for your own daughter and if she, who is not even family, can ultimately determine the fate of the relationship between you and your daughter, she can pretty much get away with anything and is so doing you guaranteed a massive loss of respect from her right there. Furthermore, you allowed someone who is not family, not a spouse, nor has her own children, therfore not going to be as understanding of all of this, to dictate to you what level of involvement you should have with your daugher. Sure your ex might be difficult, might play games, might be resentful, any number of things, but why do I get the funny feeling opportunity knocked there? In that, your ex handed her the very sword to do with what she wanted to do anyway.

And then you wanted to propose and make this woman step mother to your daugher, potential mother to future children who obviously would have no relationship with your daughter.

Right now, you have no kids with this woman, no mortgage I assume and no matrimonial bonds to break,so you have to pracitical obsticles to breaking free from this. Your home sounds like absolutely no fun whatsoever.

You are in a highly abusive relationship. Read your post again. What would you tell your daughter to do if she were a grown up and wrote that same thing to you?

Remember the wise words “I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, Returning were as tedious as go o’er.” You don't want to find yourself there. You can stop all this before it becomes unstoppable.

Beruthiel

confused & hurt. wrote: »

That was 4 years ago now and although I still see and support my daughter on a regular basis my partner has not clapped eyes on her since.

I honestly do not understand how or why you would do or allow that to happen.
You and your daughter are a package.
If someone intends to pick you as their life partner then they either welcome your daughter into their life or they find someone without a child.

Not for anyone would I put my daughter in second place.
Nor would I allow a situation where I have to spend my time separately between my daughter and partner. Certainly, not 7 years into a relationship. I mean, what do you do at Christmas for example? How do you celebrate life with the two people you care about? Why should you have to do it separately all the time. What a pain in the ass that would be!

I should add that although only 6 years old at the time this happened my daughter was coming to stay with us and was very hurtful towards my partner, essentially she was delivering very hurtful comments etc from my ex

This part you should have nipped in the bud immediately. If you had, you would not be in this position now.

As for your partners sister, if she is not happy with you as a partner and is listening to her sister, then really, if she is not defending you because she loves you then what exactly are you missing?
I know one thing for sure, I'm nobodies second best.
Neither are you, so sit her down, tell her that and if she doesn't like it, there's the door.

If ye actually decide to give it a go, I suggest you reintroduce your daughter at some point down the line. You come as a package and your very first priority is to your daughter.

Taltos

OP - I am flabberghasted.

What are you still doing with her?

Putting her depression, and moods and passive agressive nature all to one side. (the silent treatment, bullying for marriage are all reason enough for me to run).

How the hell can you stick being with someone that treats your own child so atrociously?
Don't kid yourself here - your daughter is not stupid - can you imagine how sh1tty she must feel about herself?

Seriously - why have you not just packed her bags and told her to get the hell away from you???

Totally at a loss here
Dumbfounded.

IrishEyes19

What amazes me is, that your daughter was obviously only a little child when these comments were said, surely your partner realises how influential a child's mind is at a young age, and that those comments as you have stated were planted there by other sources, secondly she shouldnt shun your child, regardless of how long you have been with your current partner, your daughter is your flesh and blood and she should respect that, even if she has issues with your ex, no child should bear the brunt of it.

I agree with the other posters, your first priority is your daughter because if you are forced to choose your partner over your daughter, you will drive a permenanent wedge between you and your child for good.

LegacyUser

OP here guys.
Thank you for all the feedback, I really don’t know what to do here very upset and hurt by the whole thing. As yet my partner or ex-partner I don’t really know has not spoken a word to me. We as mentioned live together and it is both very awkward and extremely stressful. I have not eaten since Saturday evening and every time I try I am sick, totally distraught at the moment....
This woman I was sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with, she was more then I even dreamed off and I very much like the county we live in. Should we have to part ways I face searching for a new job, selling a home that will be in negative equity and moving somewhere new - all very daunting and that is not mention being on my own after a long spell with a woman I love very much.

Don’t know what to do here, all I know is I am completely broken and struggling to function right now.

MissFlitworth

Don’t know what to do here, all I know is I am completely broken and struggling to function right now.

Break it down into little bite sized pieces, I'm sure you feel like your drowning in everything that's coming at you right now. Does your partner know that it has gotten to make or break point with you in your relationship? Would she consider going to couples counselling with you? Accord offer relationship counselling & I don't think you have to be married to avail of it

I find lists really help in situations where the world feels like it's going to fall in on me. I start out with something like

'1 year from now what do I want my life to be like'

then

'What do I need to change to get there'
'What obstacles are in my way'
'Pros & Cons' of any changes I'll make

etc. etc.

If you know that in 1 years time you want to have a better, closer relationship with your daughter and a home that she is welcome in, that you want to be in a situation where you are not being isolated by anyones passive aggressive behaviour & that you want a resolution to the issues in your relationship whether this means you stay with your partner or leave then you can break it down into small achievables for every day, week, month etc. and you can see your life change.

No one is ever trapped, you make your own life & your own luck & you can get out of where you are now and live a happy, content life.

LegacyUser

OP, I think all of the replies here are unnecessarily harsh towards your partner.

Whatever situation you post about in the relationship forum, 90% of people will advise you to end your relationship. That is just the nature of this board.

You and your girlfriend have been together a very long time so I think it's worth putting some work into, to try and get past that.

I was in a very similar situation to your girlfriend in relation to your daughter visiting and repeating nasty words from her mother. Unless a person has gone through this specific situation, it's all too easy to judge without understanding.

In my case, I responded in a similar manner to your girlfriend. I avoided it and blocked it out as I found it too upsetting, and the thought of my partner spending his day with a child who was badmouthing me upset me even more than being there first hand to be insulted.

I had never had children myself and wasn't sure how to deal with them at the best of times, I didn't know what age they knew right from wrong or when they should know better, but to have the only child I was encountering calling me nasty names that no child should know was extremely hurtful to me. The lack of reaction from the child's father hurt me even more. He didn't want to be scolding the child on her only visit of the week, the few hours they spent together, but I found it disrespectful that this child was being allowed to insult her daddy's partner like that, and that my partner's ex was going around badmouthing me even though I had never met her, I had never done anything wrong, I simply fell in love with a man who had a child years before we met.

I didn't want to be around this child during her weekly visit after a few times where she went home telling her mother exactly what I had said, what I was doing (be it washing my partner's underwear or whatever) and would come back repeating stuff the following week from her mother based on the previous weekend's visit. It was a situation I wanted nothing to do with, I backed off and avoided it fully. I thought I was doing my partner a favour, by giving him time alone with his child, keeping myself out of the child's sight and mind.

Having since had my own children I've realised how much they repeat and just how loose their tongues can be, but I did not understand that before having children.

I now have a great relationship with my partner's child, but only since having my own and becoming familiar with children's ways.

I think you need to suggest couples counselling and give her time to understand herself and how she is upsetting you, if she is willing to do this.

I would keep in mind that there are two sides to every story, and she may have a lot more information to supply to this situation than you are offering here (purely because you are only seeing it from your eyes).

You are NOT in a highly abusive relationship, contrary to what has been suggested here.

You are simply with an emotional woman who possibly could be suffering from depression or such, perhaps you should try talking to her about that when the timing is right. She is obviously not happy, did she expect a marriage and children with you? Does she see your previous family as getting in the way of this? Is she threatened by your ex and your child is reminding her of this life you had so she has blocked out the child to get past that?

Rather than criticising her for her lack of interest in your child up to now, perhaps try getting her to slowly make effort in the future.

If you love each other, you need to get to work on fixing this. It is very easy to end a relationship. It is very hard to fix one. But hopefully it will be worth the hard work.

metrovelvet

^ Whatever the case of her depression or personal issues, shunning a six year old from her home is both abusive to the child and her father. Yes Im calling it child abuse, and not only that but has incorporated the father by proxy into the abuse of his own child by having her banished from a home that is rightfully hers.

If the OP's OH cant hack being a step mom, she should abdicate her role and step down.

Taltos

confused & hurt. wrote: »

OP here guys.
Thank you for all the feedback, I really don’t know what to do here very upset and hurt by the whole thing. As yet my partner or ex-partner I don’t really know has not spoken a word to me. We as mentioned live together and it is both very awkward and extremely stressful. I have not eaten since Saturday evening and every time I try I am sick, totally distraught at the moment....
This woman I was sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with, she was more then I even dreamed off and I very much like the county we live in. Should we have to part ways I face searching for a new job, selling a home that will be in negative equity and moving somewhere new - all very daunting and that is not mention being on my own after a long spell with a woman I love very much.

Don’t know what to do here, all I know is I am completely broken and struggling to function right now.

Take a few deep breaths - I know it looks terrible - but it isn't.
There is still a way to save this and make it better if you both want to.

1. Communication - clearly you both need to learn how to talk and discuss issues with each other without someone throwing a wobbly.
2. Peer pressure - she needs to set boundaries with her family. There is nothing you can do there - only she can come to this realization.
3. Marriage - see 1 & 2... You both really need to sit down and figure out if it is right for you. Many couples are no longer going that route. I even went for a civil ceremony.
4. Your child - see 1. I am sorry - but she needs to understand that by rejecting your daughter - she is rejecting you and hurting you more than anyone else ever could - Say that to her. You know that the daughter might remind you of your ex - however - she is your flesh and blood and needs both of your love and time. Your OH may have a problem with this - but at the end of the day unless your daughter is some obnoxious little brat then your partner is so wrong here that this is the crunch.
5. Depression - again you cannot help her. She needs professional advice and help.
6. A new baby - without 1, 2, 4 & 5 - how can you consider bringing a child into this relationship - let her know this. You need to ensure that you can provide a safe, loving and caring home - right now with lack of communication, interferring sisters, a cast out daughter (or step-daugher and potential sister) added to which depression - then come on - you know you need this talk.

All of this is alot to talk about - so maybe see if you can push counselling or mediation. Let her know that right now you don't know how to talk through all the challenges you face and you need a 3rd party (independent) to help you both build on your relationship and move forward.

However - failing this - then you need to consider moving on. As per MissF - again lists - and don't rush into anything. Take your time and put aside some you time where you can relax (no alcohol) and get your head together - walk in the park - time with your daughter...

Best of luck - and remember chill - there are only 3 options.
1. Stay as you are - and be miserable
2. Stay and work on it - really really hard and there is risk - but big payoff if it works.
3. Leave and work through the details and bills over the next while. Clean start is sometimes good - just surround yourself with family/friends if you go that route. And be honest as to why... You have been carrying a large burden here and most of us would have cracked already...

Moomoo1

is this really a life you want?

a life where your children are excluded, where you are given the silent treatment over every little thing, where there is clearly zero communication, and so on?

I understand that she is depressed, but even depressed people have 'clear' periods in which they don't try to take out their woes on those around them. From what you have said, I do not see that here, I only see resentment, and do you really want to spend your life with a partner who resents you whenever times get tough (as opposed to supporting you)?



and regarding her sister... yes of course there is just a huge line of beautiful and rich bachelors wanting to go for an overweight 35 year old. Good luck to her there.

LegacyUser

OP.
Thank you all, Taltos & hjkhkjhkj thank you both for not just jumping on the 'bad partner' wagon.

All of you have made very valid points and if im completely honest the majority of these I know of myself. However the fact remains I love her.
Yes there are a lot of obstacles in our way but honestly I would rather try and work through these than just to give up hope and choose the easy option of walking away.
However it takes two and I have no idea how I am going to convince her to partake :-(

Communication is I think our biggest problem, I am far from perfect and I would never pretend to be any different but neither is she, although when I try and mention anything that would imply she may have upset or hurt me and answer I get is 'that is just the way I am & I wont change for anyone!' really democratic!!!

No as much as I don’t want it to be, I fear that I have no choice but to let it go. I cannot persuade someone who is adamant they never do any wrongdoing to step back and discuss things.
I asked her this morning what we were going to do as living under one roof in a completely intolerable environment is neither fair or healthy for both of us - her response was’ there is nothing we can do ‘...

Taltos

confused & hurt. wrote: »

I asked her this morning what we were going to do as living under one roof in a completely intolerable environment is neither fair or healthy for both of us - her response was’ there is nothing we can do ‘...

OP - she is not really giving you much of a choice.
Would you consider going to counselling alone?
Really for a few reasons - to learn how to cope or manage difficult people, for your own self confidence and really to help you exit this relationship in a manner that enables you to grow and be there for your family.

Whatever you decide to do - stay / leave - don't rush into it. Take the time to plan it out and then just follow through on the plan, you want to make sure that you leave with everything you need to and there are no loose ends. Do though find someone to talk to asap.

Who knows - maybe if she sees you talking to a counsellor she may change her mind - but to be honest and I mean brutally here it sounds more like she has sabotaged this whole relationship and is now just waiting for you to prove her right... "See I knew you didn't love me enough..." - forgetting of course that the whole cause of this mess is that she is only in love with herself...

metrovelvet

confused & hurt. wrote: »

OP.
Thank you all, Taltos & hjkhkjhkj thank you both for not just jumping on the 'bad partner' wagon.

All of you have made very valid points and if im completely honest the majority of these I know of myself. However the fact remains I love her.
Yes there are a lot of obstacles in our way but honestly I would rather try and work through these than just to give up hope and choose the easy option of walking away.
However it takes two and I have no idea how I am going to convince her to partake :-(

Communication is I think our biggest problem, I am far from perfect and I would never pretend to be any different but neither is she, although when I try and mention anything that would imply she may have upset or hurt me and answer I get is 'that is just the way I am & I wont change for anyone!' really democratic!!!

No as much as I don’t want it to be, I fear that I have no choice but to let it go. I cannot persuade someone who is adamant they never do any wrongdoing to step back and discuss things.
I asked her this morning what we were going to do as living under one roof in a completely intolerable environment is neither fair or healthy for both of us - her response was’ there is nothing we can do ‘...

When I see this, it looks to me like she has already ended it but hasnt the wherewithall to disolve the practicalities of it. Its ended because there is no room for growth or change, and usually that means something has died.