What to do...

LegacyUser

Sorry if it's a bit longwinded! Ok so here's the problem, i've been with my boyfriend for 7 years now, with a few hiccups along the way, but for the last while i've been questioning whether we should even be together. We're both mid-twenties, he works full time and lives at home with his parents. I moved back home to be with him since i went back to college. After 7 years i thought we'd at least be living together but he says he keeps finding excuse after excuse not to move in with me, mostly financial even though he has a job.
He can be indirectly controlling at times and has real posessive issues as in he will start an argument over me going to see my friends and look for any excuse to say that's not what the argument is about, if i want a night out with the girls i can expect the cold shoulder for at least a few days afterwards. It's actually the reason we broke up before. Then everytime we have an argument he writes to his ex on facebook and deletes it from his page forgetting that it still comes up on my newsfeed.
It feels like i've just woken up to the real him, no manners, no respect, no idea how to be a gentleman, can't stand children, and his whole family are racist out of pure ignorance. As i get older i'm looking towards the future and thinking is this really the person i want to have a family with someday, whereas he seems happy to stay exactly where he is.
I do love him very much and he can be kind of romantic, well he used to be anyway. It seems like his heart isn't in it anymore and tbh i'm not sure if mine is either. Should i stick it out and hope it gets better or cut my losses and try to find someone who's on the same page as i am?

lesserspottedchloe

Run.
Seriously-don't look back!

He's having his cake and eating it. It seems like he's really insecure and possessive which is stopping you having any life outside of him. He's putting you in a terrible situation and forcing you to need him and you're on boards.ie posting about it rather than being able to sort it out with him
Life is short and you'll never change him-in fact-if you end up staying with him and moving in his behavior is likely to worsen-becoming more angry and possibly violent

Everyone deserves to be in relationships that make them feel loved, appreciated and add to their enjoyment of life-this dosn't sound like where you are.

I am a friend

He doesnt sound like much of a charmer or a catch.... Dont move in with him until you have sorted your head out cos it will only muddy the waters for a few more years...

Kevin Duffy

What's the question again? Is it "Why should I stay with an immature, possessive man who I can't trust and who won't commit to any forward steps despite us being together a long time, who's attractive qualties and behaviours have ceased to be and who seems unlikely to provide me with the future I'd like?"
I don't know, why would you? Unless you think you don't deserve it, you should go and find a better relationship than this.

Neyite

Cut your losses. A relationship should be fun and full of happiness. Not this much hard work.

Wompa1

if he hates kids and you want kids than you should leave him, otherwise give an ultimatum about moving in with each other at least....

I will say this, from my own experiences in relationship, no relationship is perfect, they all have their problems. If you truly love the person you are with and are able to communicate and work on things together than I'd stick with it, otherwise leave him.

I heard a guy called David Arquette on Howard Stern a few months ago that kind of changed my attitude towards my relationship at that time. Said his wife and him were seperated due to minor differences, she wanted a break and started seeing somebody else. If the issues are minor I'd question whether or not it's enough to break up because the next partner you have could have the same problems or even worse. Just my opinion...granted I used that thinking and stayed with an ex of mine who turned out to be cheating on me but I think I'll still live by it

Beruthiel

unreg4 wrote: »

Should i stick it out and hope it gets better

Hope it gets better? All by itself like?
Nope. That's never going to happen.

cut my losses and try to find someone who's on the same page as i am?

This.
And the longer you leave it, the more time you're wasting.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Well it turns out i got my answer. He was acting really weird for the last while and i just had a feeling that wouldn't let up so i decided to investigate. I knew he had sent public messages to this girl and then deleted them so i was suspicious as to what else he had been hiding from me, so i checked his private mail. I found whole conversations between him and her, not innocent, very graphic dirty messages between the two. Every now and then she would ask about where his girlfriend was and he would say forget about her and why do you keep bringing her up? Then they would go back to talking about what they want to do to eachother the next time they're in bed together.
I started shaking with rage, it had all become clear, he was so controlling over me and didn't trust me because he knew he couldn't be trusted himself. I feel such a fool. I've given up a lot for this guy and wasted some of the best years of my life on him and his lies. I'm just numb, i don't want to eat, sleep or do anything productive with my days. I told him to delete my number and leave me alone but he keeps bombarding me with texts of how sorry he is, how it meant nothing and that i'm over reacting because he loves me so much and we belong together etc. I know this is the hardest part, when it's all fresh in my mind but i worry that when the time comes to actually move on i won't be able to trust anybody again and that any future relationship will be ruined because of this one.

I am a friend

unreg4 wrote: »

he had sent public messages to this girl and then deleted

So the signs where there already that he was less than 100% legit….

unreg4 wrote: »

Every now and then she would ask about where his girlfriend was and he would say forget about her and why do you keep bringing her up? Then they would go back to talking about what they want to do to eachother the next time they're in bed together.

Keep this in mind if you start to think about getting back with him again. He cannot be trusted now after only 7 years so what would he be like after 7 years marriage……

unreg4 wrote: »

He was so controlling over me and didn't trust me because he knew he couldn't be trusted himself.

This is very common… People who don’t cheat don’t typically worry about others cheating (without good reason).

unreg4 wrote: »

I feel such a fool.

You are far from a fool. You would be a fool if you stayed with him.

unreg4 wrote: »

I've given up a lot for this guy and wasted some of the best years of my life on him and his lies.

You have learned a harsh lesson but you have not wasted your time. You are still young and you will meet someone else but you will have learned, harshly, from his relationship some of the negative traits you wish to avoid in a future partner.

unreg4 wrote: »

I told him to delete my number and leave me alone but he keeps bombarding me with texts of how sorry he is, how it meant nothing and that i'm over reacting because he loves me so much and we belong together etc.

Go back to that??? No way. He cheated, he was possessive, he would not commit, he lied and he basically betrayed you… You can do so much better than that weak livered loser….

unreg4 wrote: »

i won't be able to trust anybody again and that any future relationship will be ruined because of this one.

You will because all guys are not like him. As I said above, you will recognise some negative traits now if a new guy displays them. All guys are not like your ex and you are only hurting yourself if you don’t give some decent guys a chance. If you stay single out of fear then your ex wins….

Distorted

unreg4 wrote: »

We're both mid-twenties, he works full time and lives at home with his parents.

Red flag. Most women I know avoid this like the plague, unless very, very compellingly good reasons not to.

Generally does not make for a good person to live with.

greenprincess

It is a horrible end to a long relationship. But dont let it make you bitter that would be the worst thing he could do to you. Just let your family and friends help you get through this. Try and be strong and dont let him worm his way back in!!

Miss Fluff

unreg4 wrote: »

I know this is the hardest part, when it's all fresh in my mind but i worry that when the time comes to actually move on i won't be able to trust anybody again and that any future relationship will be ruined because of this one.

Oooh I've been that soldier. You will though. Take time out to process it and why it didn't work out. When you give yourself sufficient time and space to do this you will then be ready and won't make the same mistakes again.

I know it's hard hon but bullet dodged. He sounds like a total gob$hite, thank your blessings it went no further.

LegacyUser

Simple...do not just stay in the hope that things will get better...he needs to know how you are feeling...you have been together a very long time so of course there are strong feelings there. Maybe even a break from each other for a while would help...it would give you both the chance to think about what you really want...easier said than done but may be worth it in the end...as long as you give it enough time to get over the "missing him" feelings to get to what you really feel...because after that long together you will miss him til it makes you physically sick even if you weren't getting on before! Don't stay just because you feel you have to, it will only serve to make the two of you very very miserable people which in turn will cause more arguments between you. Tell him how you are feeling...for your own good and his!! And if you're not meant to be then you will realise it and you will move on...it wont be easy but you will!