seeing a married man

LegacyUser

i know a lot of people will hate me for this thread, but i have been seeing a married man and recently his wife found out. they were having difficulties before me and have basically been living under the same roof but living seperate lives for the past year. anyway he was planning on leaving her even before she found out about me and now they are still under the same roof with both refusing to move. its starting to become gossip around our town and probably wont be long before my name is mentioned. has anyone been in a situation like this who can help me, i love him and he loves me. what can i expect? thanks.

LegacyUser

1. You can expect to be judged as the woman having an affair with a married man... and his marriage breakdown (to all outsiders who dont know different) will be because of you .. so expect to be judged.
2. You can expect probably very little sympathy from most people when/if your relationship with this man breaks down or fails..
3. You can probably expect some not-nice-words from her family or friends when you meet them... and your reputation tarnished


...for starters....

I am a friend

nervous11 wrote: »

i know a lot of people will hate me for this thread

I doubt anyone will hate you - pity you probably as, with all respect, you sound incredibly naive....

nervous11 wrote: »

i have been seeing a married man and recently his wife found out.

All I can think is 'the poor, poor woman'... How did she find out? If its a small town, did half the town know before she did? Did he have the balls to tell her? Probably not....

nervous11 wrote: »

they were having difficulties before me

A typical line spun by married men wanting a bit of fun. Did she know they were having 'difficulties' or was it just him who made this decision and the subsequent decision to look for fun outside his marriage?

There is a high chance that she thought all was well but he was bored and wanted to look elsewhere hence the 'difficulties'.

nervous11 wrote: »

been living under the same roof but living seperate lives for the past year.

Are they sleeping together?

nervous11 wrote: »

anyway he was planning on leaving her even before she found out about me and now

What were his plans? Was he going to tell her and then move out and in with you or move out, live on his own and get to know you a bit better before jumping into the deep end?

What plans had he made to back up the fact he was planning to leave her?

nervous11 wrote: »

they are still under the same roof with both refusing to move.

Now, here it is... How do you know he is refusing to move? He told you? He lied to his wife for a long time so why do you think he wont like to you?

nervous11 wrote: »

its starting to become gossip around our town and probably wont be long before my name is mentioned.

You lie down with dogs.......

nervous11 wrote: »

has anyone been in a situation like this who can help me, i love him and he loves me.

I know people who have been in this situation and normally 2 of the 3 people involved love themselves more than anyone else...

nervous11 wrote: »

what can i expect? thanks.

There is a very high chance he wont leave his wife. Are there kids involved? What ages?

If he does and you marry him there is a very high chance that that relationship wont work and just remember the wise word of Mr Goldsmith 'When a man marries his mistress it creates a job opportunity.'.....

OP, there is a very high chance this wont work out.. Small town, added pressure, thrill of the hunt for him, would you ever trust him, ex wife with a grudge etc etc

Relationships are hard enough without all the abvoe factors built in.. Go find yourself a man who wont cheat - on his wife and / or you...!!!

Justask

You are seeing a married man.... First off unless you know his wife well you are been told what he wants to tell you !!!

1. Are you sure they are/were having problems before you arrived?

2. How do you know he is going to leave her? (his saying it to you doesnt really count, hes not the most honest man noow is he!)

3. How do you know he is not sleeping with her?

4. Are there kids involved??

Im really sorry if I sound really harsh here but he is telling you what you want to hear!

My advice is run. get urself your OWN man who will love you and no other. If he is capable of doing this on his wife trust me he is capable on doing it on you.

Justask

Ooops sorry 'I am a friend' didnt read your reply :eek::)

nervous11

nervous11 wrote: »

i know a lot of people will hate me for this thread, but i have been seeing a married man and recently his wife found out. they were having difficulties before me and have basically been living under the same roof but living seperate lives for the past year. anyway he was planning on leaving her even before she found out about me and now they are still under the same roof with both refusing to move. its starting to become gossip around our town and probably wont be long before my name is mentioned. has anyone been in a situation like this who can help me, i love him and he loves me. what can i expect? thanks.

No offence but this sounds like a standard line, I wouldn't put much hope into him ever leaving her
Not unless she kicks him out and he comes crawling

Mc Kenzie

i think this is a really awfull situation to be in. Never get involved with a married man.
Try and put yourself in the other ladies shoes....and whats most important is if he has children its not fair on them. I f things werent going well any way at home. why would you want to add more heartache for them

Neyite

Unfortunatly its nearly always 'the other woman' who gets the blame - even if the marriage was dead for years. Its juicier gossip that way y'see.

You only have to look at previous posts here where women describe the woman their boyfriend/husband cheated with as a slapper/slut/etc. I have yet to come across one who would describe the mistress as 'a nice girl'.

I think its a line he spun you. If he loved you, he would have shown you (maybe by introducing you to his 'ex') that he really is free to pursue a relationship with you. If it was all above board as he claimed, whats the big deal she 'found out'? Why would she even care?

And lastly, if its so over, why is he refusing to leave? he loves you, not her, right?

Kevin Duffy

He has almost certainly been lying to you. Don't continue your relationship with him unless you are happy to be caught up in a situation that will make nobody but idle gossip mongers happy.

Smashhits

Hi Op, I'm coming from the wife's side and believe me there is a strong possibility that she knew nothing about how bad things were. He has spun you a line and unfortunately for you, you fell for it. I had the guts to kick my ex out, i hope his wife does the same.
I didn't blame the other woman she's single, i lay all the blame at my ex's door he was the one who was married and like that wife i found out. These men are cowards, they will spin a line and tell you what you want to hear but never tell their partners exactly whats happening.
For your own sake put an end to it and leave him to sort out his mess.

Emme

OP end it and don't waste any more of your life on this man. He probably has no intention of leaving his nice cosy nest no matter what he says.

You can do better than a married man.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Unfortunately, I have been there and I guarantee that this will end in tears and they will be yours! I would never have dreamed of getting involved with a married man ever but it happened and I genuinely thought it was true love. I heard all the tales of their lies and deceit but I would honestly have put my life savings on the fact that this guy was different. He wasn't. He had no intention of leaving his wife but lead me to believe so.

When I tired to end it several times to allow him space to sort himself out he would up the ante and tell me about meetings with solicitors to formalise the separation. He kept me hanging on waiting for him and then out of nowhere complete turnaround he texted to say he had patched things up with his wife (despite him telling me the day before he loved me and couldn't live without me and couldn;t wait to be with me properly etc)

I am by no means naive or stupid but I seriously regret the day I ever got involved with him. It has caused no end of pain and heartache for me. Please don't make the same mistakes I made. I can tell you in no uncertain terms that very few married men actually leave their wives. Rememeber actions speak louder than words. They will promise you the earth moon and stars but when it comes to acting on it is a different story.

Get out now before it gets really ugly. Don't waste your time on this guy. You will never get that time back time wasted on someone who doesn't have your best interest at heart messing you around. Married men are bad news.

I know people can be very judgemental on here when it comes to this kind of thing but I am sure you are not a bad person, I know I am not but made a big mistake.

Also the small town makes everything worse - wrongly you will be called the husband stealing cow and this might impact your chances to actually find a decent single guy. Once your reputation is ruined its very had to restore it.

Value yourself enough to run for the hills. BTW it won't be easy in the short term to end it but you will save yourself heartache in the long term. Good luck. I wish you well.

apsalar

Hi OP,

Firstly, I hope that you have supportive friends or family who know your situation as such things can be incredibly divisive/emotive, especially when reputations are at stake.

My own opinion is to take it easy. He may be genuine, but as others have pointed out, it could all be because he is just a "cake-eater" and you may in for an emotional bruising from a selfish man. None of us here know, not even you, only time will tell.

If you love him, let him come to you when all is sorted. Give him an ultimatum, it's you with a clean break from this supposedly dead marriage, taking care to sort out maintenance, child access, whatever BEFORE he comes to you, or it's nothing at all. Love is great, but you will have enough pressure as a couple, and dealing with all the trappings of a relationship with a divorcee without having to be in the middle of it.

You know you live in a small town. Remind him. After all, he needs to care about how people see his new love as well, right? I'm not saying he is a liar. Just look out for yourself. It's real easy to get thrown under the bus/ treated like some kind of home-wrecker, even when the ex-wife is a nasty piece of work and especially if divorce proceeding become acrimonius.

Take care, just remember you need to put yourself first, cos right now, I don't think he is.

LegacyUser

As a guy who did the same in the past.....hes spinning you a lie. The 'whole were still living together but its an open relationship/relationship of convenience' etc. I guarantee he won't leave her and she probably doesnt even know.

LegacyUser

thanks for all your replies, they have made interesting reading. and gotten me thinking.

they have seperate beds, and no1 else knows about me. he has told me he loves me and had asked me to move in with him before she found out. we did break up for a while and got back together. that was the hardest time of my life and his. he cried and wasnt able to eat. he has talked about a future with me, kids and getting married. he does seem very genuine and texts every day and calls everyday. the wife wont move and he pays for all and cant afford a place of his own. any stories he has told me have been consistant as i have quizzed him on different occasions to see if there was any discrepincies. there wasnt. there is 2 kid.

Elle Collins

nervous11 wrote: »

they were having difficulties before me and have basically been living under the same roof but living seperate lives for the past year.

How many more times are women going to listen to this bullsh!t line before they stop believing it??? I mean Jeezzus.. :rolleyes:

greengiant09

Elle Collins wrote: »

nervous11 wrote: »

they were having difficulties before me and have basically been living under the same roof but living seperate lives for the past year.

How many more times are women going to listen to this bullsh!t line before they stop believing it??? I mean Jeezzus.. :rolleyes:

lol....yeah, but you don't understand!....his wife is a nutter! he told me she's totally crazy...blah, blah, blah........

some women are so naive it's unreal.......

LegacyUser

if he found it so unbearable to be broken up from you, why why why is it ok for him to continue with the supposed sham of a marriage. Even saying he's sticking it out for the kids is ridiculous. Would any child prefered their parents stayed together and had affairs and secrets and unhappy mistresses knocking around over their parents admitting they're unhappy and doing the right thing by the kids and not let them suffer through a protracted break up with lies and third parties. He's lying to you because that way he gets to have his cake and eat it. He doesnt respect his wife, what makes you think he respects you?

nicechick!

nervous11 wrote: »

i know a lot of people will hate me for this thread, but i have been seeing a married man and recently his wife found out. they were having difficulties before me and have basically been living under the same roof but living seperate lives for the past year. anyway he was planning on leaving her even before she found out about me and now they are still under the same roof with both refusing to move. its starting to become gossip around our town and probably wont be long before my name is mentioned. has anyone been in a situation like this who can help me, i love him and he loves me. what can i expect? thanks.

People are going to judge you, they will put the blame squarely on your shoulders! Particularly small towns they love gossip so be prepared for walking into the local pup & every married women in there will hate you! Sorry cruel I know but be prepared for your self esteem to hit an all time low though you may be confidant in nature knowing your the talk of the town for all the wrong reasons hurts!

You got yourself into a right mess! Would you consider a break from him not because you want to but to give his wife & himself to actually sort out there ''****e'' and end there relationship, emotions are running high & fear of change is what holds them together in that house whether they'll ever admit that! He may love you but he should get his life in order before you to start or have a chance at any success in your relationship.

booboo88

they have seperate beds

and you know this how? he told you did he?

he has told me he loves me and had asked me to move in with him before she found out.

if he's refusing to move....ye all gonna sleep under same roof??

he cried and wasnt able to eat. he has talked about a future with me, kids and getting married.

awww wouldnt your heart bleed for him? he doesnt seem to value his current marriage vows so wouldnt hold out much hope

he pays for all and cant afford a place of his own

think he may be spinning you a line,

there is 2 kid.

thats enough to exit...NOW! If he was really unhappy he would have ended it, but why would he do that til he has another lined up:rolleyes:

ppink

nervous11 wrote: »

thanks for all your replies, they have made interesting reading. and gotten me thinking.

they have seperate beds, and no1 else knows about me.

the wife wont move and he pays for all and cant afford a place of his own.

there is 2 kid.

Well fair play to him......what a GEM he is. 2 kids........separate beds?!!

HIs wife is right not to move if she has 2 kids.......what should she do? head off to a hovel with their children so you can move into her kids home?

OP if he can do that to 2 innocent children then I would be very careful if I were you. If his relationship is dead etc etc he should have ended it and made a proper arragement for the sake of his kids BEFORE hooking up with you.

arizona24

from being in the 'wife' position, i find it really disgusting when women enter into a relationship or an affair with a married man. im talking here about the women who know full well that their new squeeze has a wife and kids.

the line 'we're having some problems' comes standard when dealing wit these men, i honestly think that they dont deserve their wife or their kids.
fair enough if there was genuine problems between himself and the wife then he most definately should of grown a pair an tried to work it out (for the kids) cause thats what he told u right?
if he was really trying to sort stuff out he would not be seeing u or telling u he loves u, all that energy would have been put straight into saving his marriage.

it really bothers me when i hear these stories of homes been torn apart because the husband isnt gettin the atention off the wife (prob because shes busy with family/home life) and cant keep it in his trousers, but wat really gets to me is when the woman he's seeing knows full well his situation and still goes ahead and has the affair with him.
Now i no u dont owe the wife anything she means nothing to u but at the very least u should have considered the hurt u were going 2 be causing her and the kids. Your morals should have outweighted ur lust. if there was definate problems that could not b fixed between them and he was leaving her then that is when u should of started seeing him when his marriage was over to save ur name being dragged through the dirt.

you obviously really like this guy which is rather unfortunate because he seems to b feeding u line after line. Men will rarely leave their wives for 'the other woman' esp if there is kids involved.

my personal issues wit u aside i honestly think u should cut ur losses and leave him well alone for ur own sake. these things never work out the way u would hope they would so stop wasting ur own time on that slimeball because thats exactly wat he is, if he is willing to put his manhood before his own kids then wat would he do wit regards to u?

Emme

arizona24 wrote: »

from being in the 'wife' position, i find it really disgusting when women enter into a relationship or an affair with a married man. im talking here about the women who know full well that their new squeeze has a wife and kids.

As a single woman I find it really disgusting when a man chats me up for ages and then turns out to be married! (1) he's wasting my times and (2) he's preventing single men from approaching me! :mad: You can't blame the women all the time, I have been approached by so many married men that I feel like hiring a private detective to check out potential dates before I agree to go out with them.

I'm lucky I haven't got caught by one of these buggers so far but married men on the prowl are like a nasty dose of food poisoning. Nobody goes out deliberately to get food poisoning but some people inadvertently get it. Some women are in too deep with these men when they find out they're married and haven't got the strength of character to tear themselves away.

arizona24 wrote: »

you obviously really like this guy which is rather unfortunate because he seems to b feeding u line after line. Men will rarely leave their wives for 'the other woman' esp if there is kids involved.

I think some women who stay in relationships with married men are unconsciously avoiding commitment. As stated above, married men rarely leave their wives and even if they get caught having an affair wifey usually stands by her man. I think it's disgusting that married men can have affairs and their wives let them away with it scot free!

greengirl31

Op, I could have written this post myself a few years ago ...

He loved me, His wife was nuts, he had to sell the house. We discussed marriage, and even decided to have a family cause his house was on the market at that stage (well he said it was his house but that was probably another elaborate lie). Anyway, I got pregnant and he became more distant - he blamed a mental illness and he couldn't bare for me to see him in such a state etc etc etc ...all the time, I'm getting more pregnant and finally at 8 mths my Mum got his Mum's number (they had been neighbours of our and moved away) and phoned her. She knew I was pregnant but said that her son had never left his wife and - get this - she had told him to be careful with me !!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, He's still with his wife and as far as I know she has knows about me (I knew that already) but has no idea about our child. He pays Maintenance and I have no idea how he hides it !!

My point is, I cannot believe how gullible I was !! He was telling me all this and I believed him cause I wanted to!! Run now - or at least tell him to get sorted before he comes to you again (Be wary of this one though cause I tried that and we were together again in a few weeks when the house was on the market) . As another poster said, Look after yourself here cause he's not going to ... Best of luck