Estranged family members contacting me through facebook what are they up to?

Susannahmia

This is a long story but I need to put it in context.

So my parents split up when my mother was 8 months pregnant after a 10 month marriage. Despite living in the same town as myself and knowing where I lived up until last year my father never sent me so much as a card or tried to contact me in any way ever.

My mother brought me to see my paternal grandmother a few times when I was 13-17. She lived with my aunt and uncle with my father living next door.

So after bringing me down to visit my gran my ma gave my aunt in law her mobile number etc. Now ma hardly knew this woman at all as she had married my uncle after my parents separated.

My aunt contacted her twice but both times because they wanted something from her. The first time was because my grandmother was sick and they wanted my mam to come down and help nurse her and lift her (my mams a nurse). My mam did come down and helped out dispite being seperated and having close to zero contact with them for 13 years beforehand.

A year or two later my aunt landed up on our doorstep out of the blue, saying she had left my uncle and wanting us to put her up for the night (remember we hardly knew her).

We let her stay over anyway's and she told us my uncle beats her and the children and my father runs the family basically.

So anyway the next day she went back to my uncle and we never heard from them again.

Last month and six years later I get a request from my 11 year old cousin (their daughter) on facebook, I accept it and then the mother sends me a request.

The 11 year old right away began persistantly asking me some very personal questions that I think were coming from an adult. Eg: do you have a job, do you have a man, where do you live etc.

I tried to avoid telling them where I lived reasoning that I didn't want a repeat of what happened last time and considering they knew my address for 22 years and had not made contact in any meaningful way.

It's been a month now and both are still constantly sending me messages asking me where I live. The only other thing they talk about is the aunt keeps trying to sell me this diet package she sells.

I told them very politely that I didn't want to share that info online but if they wanted to contact be by mail they could still use my previous address. They then told me out of the blue if I told them they wouldnt tell my father and persisted in asking me for it.

So right now I'm really really uncomfortable, this is all very overwhelming for me. I feel they are using the 11 year old to guilt me into giving the address.

I don't want anything to do with my father, imo he missed his chance to be in my life and at this point he's to late. I have a feeling he is behind all this.

At the same time I don't want to cause a family feud by blocking them etc.

Any advice would be appreciated.

ABajaninCork

Have you asked them why are they asking you such personal questions?

It might be their (clumsy) way of making conversation and getting to know you, but I would ask them why and tell them you're not comfortable with the line of questioning.

Oryx

Remove them as friends on facebook, block them and have no further contact. They were leeches before and are probably looking for something again. It doesnt sound like you owe them anything at all.

Susannahmia

I asked the 11 year old why she wanted to know and she said she wanted to come visit me. I think Ive made it pretty clear that I am uncomfortable.

WHat is making me so uncomfortable is the sheer persistence of trying to get my address. I have tried changing subject but it always comes back to that.

I am a non confrontational person and am afraid blocking them could prompt an all out war.

lace

Hi OP! This certainly sounds like a difficult situation.

You mentioned you don't want to block them for fear of causing a family row and I understand the pressure worries like that can cause. From the reading your post though, it seems that that whole side of the family aren't very close to you and tend to only contact you when they want something. I don't mean to sound harsh but do you really need to be on good terms with them anyway? It sounds like they're not a positive influence and you gain nothing from a relationship with them (in fact, it seems to be causing you a great deal of stress). I think if it was me I'd just block them and be done with it.

If you fon't want to block them the only thing I can think of is to slowly ease the contact. You could try to leave long spaces between replies (a fortnight or a month after receiving messages and increase the time frame slowly), give little information and block them from chat (if you haven't already). Perhaps they'll eventually get bored and stop. The other thing would to be to create a friends list specifically for them so that you can edit what content they can and cannot see. Some of your status updates/pictures/wall posts from friends might give away information you don't want them to know.

Hope this helps!

Susannahmia

I think I will fiddle with my privacy and chat settings, good idea thanks for that. Just the whole thing is bringing up buried feelings etc and is really stressing me out. Ugh why cant I have a normal family!:mad:

The thing about being on good terms is that it would be nice if I could get to know my cousins, but the way things are I don't think its feasable. My mother says to keep on good terms because I am due an inheritance at least from him but at this point I don't want anything to do with him or his money.

On the otherhand a very small (completely naive) part of me would like it if he say wrote me and apologised to me as it would be a kind of closure for me. I'm pretty sure thats never going to happen though.:rolleyes:

The crux of the whole thing is that I just really really do not want him ever to be able to turn around to me and say I in any way was to blame for him not contacting me/ causing tension. He is the type of man who blames everyone but himself for his mistakes and I don't want to give him an easy out by offending anyone in the family.

metrovelvet

Susannahmia wrote: »

I think I will fiddle with my privacy and chat settings, good idea thanks for that. Just the whole thing is bringing up buried feelings etc and is really stressing me out. Ugh why cant I have a normal family!:mad:

The thing about being on good terms is that it would be nice if I could get to know my cousins, but the way things are I don't think its feasable. My mother says to keep on good terms because I am due an inheritance at least from him but at this point I don't want anything to do with him or his money.

On the otherhand a very small (completely naive) part of me would like it if he say wrote me and apologised to me as it would be a kind of closure for me. I'm pretty sure thats never going to happen though.:rolleyes:

The crux of the whole thing is that I just really really do not want him ever to be able to turn around to me and say I in any way was to blame for him not contacting me/ causing tension. He is the type of man who blames everyone but himself for his mistakes and I don't want to give him an easy out by offending anyone in the family.

You only have to do what you are comfortable with.

People like that will find any reason to blame someone else, this is not your responsibility. He may blame you, he may not, but you cant control that. Just do what is best for you.

Right now, I would just not do anything. Take a step back and don't respond and take time with it before you make any decisions.

QuiteInterestin

Susannahmia wrote: »

I asked the 11 year old why she wanted to know and she said she wanted to come visit me.

If this is the real reason that your cousin wants to visit (doubtful), maybe tell her that you'll be at home in your mothers house on such a day and she can call up then to visit (or any other time that suits your cousin/aunt). That should keep ye on good terms and no one could accuse you of being to blame for not keeping in contact.

Susannahmia

QuiteInterestin wrote: »

If this is the real reason that your cousin wants to visit (doubtful), maybe tell her that you'll be at home in your mothers house on such a day and she can call up then to visit (or any other time that suits your cousin/aunt). That should keep ye on good terms and no one could accuse you of being to blame for not keeping in contact.

The only thing about that is my mother would probably have a heart attack if the whole lot of them landed down!:D

Wompa1

Susannahmia wrote: »

The only thing about that is my mother would probably have a heart attack if the whole lot of them landed down!:D

Why not say you'll visit them at their house?..if you do actually want to...otherwise just remove them off Facebook and be done with it