Mother found my Pill, went mental

LegacyUser

I'm a 19-year-old female. After moving back home after living away in college during the year, I was in the middle of unpacking in my room, my hands were full and my phone started to ring inside my bag. Without thinking, I asked her to grab it and she found my pill and two condoms.
She completely flipped.

She demanded to know when I'd started having sex, what age I was and how many people I'd slept with. She was going absolutely crazy, so I felt it was best to tell her. When I answered that I'd lost my virginity at 17 she went completely mad, shouting at me that she didn't raise me to be a slut and give it up to everyone that asked. When she asked how many people I'd slept with, and I said two - both of whom were long term boyfriends - she continued the insults, basically calling me a slut and a whore.

My mother has a very reserved view on sex, which I don't share. She didn't have sex until she married. It's a big part of the reason I never told her when I became sexually active, and I'm usually very careful to keep contraceptives out of sight, I just completely forgot they were in my bag when I asked her to get my phone. I had an idea if she knew that she'd have a strong reaction, I was didn't every think it would be quite so strong. Obviously, it was extremely hurtful being called a whore and a slut by my own mother.
It escalated into a huge argument between us, with her yelling a lot more insults my way, until it got to the point where I completely snapped after she shouted at me that I'd never expect to keep a man if I jumped straight into bed with her, and responded with a comment on how that didn't help her keep my dad.

This completely shut her up - she and my father separated six years ago. She told me to get out of the house, and, being as angry as I was, I left quickly enough and went to stay at my father's. This was two weeks ago, and I've spoken to her once since then. She told me I'm allowed back into her house only when I apologise for, as she put it, 'being such a bitch.'

Obviously, I said a very hurtful thing, but I don't feel I should have to apologise in this situation. My mother is a very difficult woman, and for an easy life I rarely challenge her when she asks me to do something or tries to pick an argument. I'm fairly easy going, so I usually just let it go. But the thoughts of me apologising to her, without a hint of an apology from her after everything she said doesn't sit well with me. She said absolutely horrible stuff, but I know my mother, and I know she won't apologise and she won't let this drop until I do.

On one hand, I know I'm in the right here and I should hold out and NOT say sorry considering the nasty stuff she said, but on the other hand, difficult as she is to get along with, she is still my mother.

Any advice?

Neyite

Now is your chance for her to learn to start treating you like an adult and not a child. Do not apologise, purely because she is your mother, you both said horrible things, but what she called you was worse. If you cave now, she will not learn that you are now an adult with a right to your private life.

Stay with your dad as long as it takes, and tell her when she is willing to aplogise for her behaviour you will too.

My mother would have had the same conservative views when I was 19 but she still would have been told politely that it was none of her business, and that I was an adult with a private life.

Kimia

I would call to see her and I would say 'I apologise for the hurtful thing that I said to you - it was said in the heat of the moment. However I am very disappointed in your treatment of me which I feel was completely undeserved and you owe me an apology. I will be at my dads if you want to reach me."

If she starts getting mad again say 'I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm an adult now, I was doing the responsible thing and I won't apologise for that'.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks for the replies so far. I have explained to her I'm an adult and that my choices are mine to make, but when it comes to sex, there's no talking to my mother.
I had a job for the majority of time while I was away at college, but there was a period of about a month when I had lost my job and before getting another one, where she provided me with some money. I did pay this back, but she seems to have forgotten this and accused me of using her money to pay for my pill, telling me that's not what she gave me money for etc.
Obviously, I've told her I'll sincerely apologise if I get one I get one in return, but she doesn't see a problem with what she says. In her mind, I AM a slut for having a sex life.

I know she won't apologise, and I'm not willing to be subjected to this kind of disrespect from my mother, but at the same time I'm trying to evaluate whether or not it's worth driving a wedge between us permanently. At the moment, I'm still pretty angry, and I'm not willing to allow her to treat me like this, whether or not it does irreversible damage to our relationship.

beeintheknow

Get off your high horse. Think about what you said to your mother.

A Plague On Both Your Houses

Apologise for your behaviour not for your actions, be the better person.


Apologising isn't admitting you're wrong, it's just just a "Sorry I acted like a bitch." It's not a defeat, and you certainly don't have to change. You can't possibly say you're sorry for being who you are.

Oh, and just to push her buttons some more. Tell her you're a lesbian. She sounds like the type of person who would have a heart attack at that sort of answer. Best of luck OP.

Kimia

beeintheknow wrote: »

Get off your high horse. Think about what you send to your mother.

Ignore this nonsense. :rolleyes:

beeintheknow

Kimia wrote: »

Ignore this nonsense. :rolleyes:

what nonsense? Her Mum, who has a conservative attitude about sex, found her contraception and was upset. She retaliated in an incredible nasty way.

ElleEm

beeintheknow wrote: »

what nonsense? Her Mum, who has a conservative attitude about sex, found her contraception and was upset. She retaliated in an incredible nasty way.

Do you not think her mother was in the wrong for name calling? This is far worse than the statement the daughter made. The mother was insulting the daughter, the daughter stated a fact (albeit, in a not nice way).

OP, you have every right to be angry. Your mother obviously still thinks about you as a child who shouldn't be having sex. She is clearly not thinking with the mindset that things have changed since she was young. You should ask her would she prefer if you came home pregnant instead of coming home with contraception!

I'd say let her stay angry til she calms down. Surely she'll have to mellow out as time goes on. I was about your age when my mam found my pill, and although she was shocked, I think she was happy I was being responsible. It was a big shift in our relationship as she realised that I was an adult. You and your mam need to sit down (when the dust has settled) and discuss that you have grown up, and your life has changed. Tell her you can make your own choices on how you want to live, and ask would she prefer you lie to her or tell her the truth. I know my mam just wanted to know that I was safe, and when I told her I was, she could believe me because we established that adult trust.

beeintheknow

I would like the daughters's phone number please. I like a bird who carries johnnies around with her. Shows initiative.

However, she is probably so loose at this stage it would be like opening the window and ****ing the night.

beeintheknow

beeintheknow wrote: »

She retaliated in an incredible nasty way.

It was the OP's mother who was incredibly nasty.

OP, if it was me, I wouldn't apologise. When I was 15 my mother caught me hiding a hickey (:rolleyes: I know, I cringe thinking about it now) and went ballistic. Called me names etc, but not as aggressive as your mother. It was heartbreaking.

I think it's acceptable that your mother reacted badly. I think it's acceptable that she was shocked and that she lost control of how she behaved. But only momentarily. What she did (and continues to do) goes beyond shock or a moment of madness. She was horrible to you. I can't imagine the feelings of a conservative woman having found out that her child is having sex. But you're not little anymore, and it's up to her to come to terms with that, she has no right to punish you for growing up and making your own decisions. While I can't imagine how she must feel, I can imagine how you do, and no parent should ever put that on their child. I certainly would not apologise unless she was willing to make some serious apologies too. And if you do apologise, certainly do not apologise for having sex, only for bringing up her separation (which personally I think was a fair point).

Ickle Magoo

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Many thanks

Bloody Nipples

I wouldn't apologise. You have to draw a line in the sand sometime. Calling you a whore and a slut for participating in a totally normal activity is totally unacceptable regardless of her world view and if you apologise you'll just be enabling such behaviour.

.

Chucky the tree

true-or-false wrote: »

It was the OP's mother who was incredibly nasty.

OP, if it was me, I wouldn't apologise. When I was 15 my mother caught me hiding a hickey (:rolleyes: I know, I cringe thinking about it now) and went ballistic. Called me names etc, but not as aggressive as your mother. It was heartbreaking.

I think it's acceptable that your mother reacted badly. I think it's acceptable that she was shocked and that she lost control of how she behaved. But only momentarily. What she did (and continues to do) goes beyond shock or a moment of madness. She was horrible to you. I can't imagine the feelings of a conservative woman having found out that her child is having sex. But you're not little anymore, and it's up to her to come to terms with that, she has no right to punish you for growing up and making your own decisions. While I can't imagine how she must feel, I can imagine how you do, and no parent should ever put that on their child. I certainly would not apologise unless she was willing to make some serious apologies too. And if you do apologise, certainly do not apologise for having sex, only for bringing up her separation (which personally I think was a fair point).

I'd only take this stance if the girl decides to move out. Either that or pay the mother full rent and pay for her own food. I presume she is moving back into her mother's to save money so isn't paying rent or not close to what she would somewhere else so I think it's pretty cheecky to not expect to apologise while happily living for free in Mother's house.

Randy Shafter

Hi OP. Under no circumstances should you have to apologise in this situation. She was the one who went off the rails calling you horrible names just because you were being smart in protecting yourself. What you do with your body and who you do it with is none of her concern IMO. There was no need for her to flip because she found some contraception. It showed her that you are serious about looking after your well being.

I'd let your mother simmer down before making contact with her again. Hopefully she will see how silly and OTT she was.

Chucky the tree

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I'd only take this stance if the girl decides to move out. Either that or pay the mother full rent and pay for her own food. I presume she is moving back into her mother's to save money so isn't paying rent or not close to what she would somewhere else so I think it's pretty cheecky to not expect to apologise while happily living for free in Mother's house.

In that situation I would agree, but she's staying with her father, so there's no great pressure as I understand it to keep mother sweet for the sake of bed and board.

booboo88

beeintheknow wrote: »

what nonsense? Her Mum, who has a conservative attitude about sex, found her contraception and was upset. She retaliated in an incredible nasty way.

excuse retaliated in a nasty way? after being called a slut and a whore by her own mother? are you for real?

op seriously, you dont need to apologise, its the 21st century, women are no longer tied to the kitchen sink and only kept to bare children.
If you ask me your mother is the immature one.


(Might be harsh) as your mother dound out marriage license is only a piece of paper and not set in stone

miaowmiaow

Hey OP,
Previous posters have got it in one, you're not to blame for this sour stalemate between you and your mother, so it's certainly not your responsibility to apologise. It's probably tempting to 'be the bigger person' for the sake of your relationship with your mother, but if you're the one who has to make the sacrifice of the right to a personal life this kind of blow-up with her is only to happen again. So while you might be driving a wedge between ye in the meantime, surely there's going to be conflict anyway until the two of ye sit down as adults and talk it out. You have sex, and she has to come to terms with that. I think your snarky come-back was totally justifiable. What's most horrible for you is that she's completely lashed out at you, she even might have pulled the 'i'm disappointed in you' line. All i can say is that she'd be a terrible mother if she wouldn't even forgive her own daughter for not abiding by her fusty morals. I think if she throws you out of her house like this and continues to persecute you for your life choices then you've got to ask yourself, is she worth having in your life? It's a painful choice you're facing, but I hope you prioritize your own happiness over anybody else. I myself was kicked out of home one xmas when my mother feared I was sleeping with my long term boyfriend. It sucked, but after sitting down and talking about it, we got it all out in the open. She still didn't forgive me for about a week, but about 6months later i got an apology for her behaviour. If she cares about you, she'll eventually be able to look past her belief that you're still her little girl and accept that you're a grown woman.
Best of luck!

Wolfe Tone

I think you should apologize, it was a really nasty thing to say. It was in the heat of the moment(remember, as was what your mam said!) yes, but at the and of the day she is still your mother, and its not really worth falling out over something like this. I'm the same age as yourself cept I'm a lad, my mother would have similar attitudes to sex, I'm also stupid and let my mam discover condoms and while she did not go OTT as your mam did she did lose the head... "I didn't raise you like that, what if she got pregnant you fool" etc etc She obviously thought I was playing tiddlywinks. Mothers eh?

Imo you should just swallow your pride and say you are sorry for what you said, its really not worth falling out over and the longer you leave it the worse it will get.

chloek

hi op

your mother was upset when she discovered her little girl was having sex but calling you those names is out of order. You reacted like any other person would in the same circumstances.

she is your mother and it is up to her to apologise to you but if you want to txt her and say sorry then go ahead.

perhaps she has other reasons you are not aware of for thinking like this nothing to do with you, maybe something in her past and I'm not making excuses or her.

she lashed out and I'm sure she is sorry but is to headstrong to make the first move and apologise to you.

Kimia

Wolfe Tone wrote: »

I think you should apologize, it was a really nasty thing to say. It was in the heat of the moment(remember, as was what your mam said!) yes, but at the and of the day she is still your mother, and its not really worth falling out over something like this. I'm the same age as yourself cept I'm a lad, my mother would have similar attitudes to sex, I'm also stupid and let my mam discover condoms and while she did not go OTT as your mam did she did lose the head... "I didn't raise you like that, what if she got pregnant you fool" etc etc She obviously thought I was playing tiddlywinks. Mothers eh?

Imo you should just swallow your pride and say you are sorry for what you said, its really not worth falling out over and the longer you leave it the worse it will get.

It's not worth falling out over. According to who? You clearly don't care what your mom thinks - you'll just apologise for an easy life and fair play to you - you obviously have a different relationship with your mam and that works for you.

Wompa1

May I ask. Who is paying for you to go to college? You are moving home during the summer, why? Do you work? Do you support yourself?

Maybe your mother still views you as a child because you are dependant on her. It doesn't make it right but it might make things a bit blurred. Some would think you still live under their roof if you are relying on them to pay your way through college.

Wompa1

Wompa1 wrote: »

May I ask. Who is paying for you to go to college? You are moving home during the summer, why? Do you work? Do you support yourself?

Maybe your mother still views you as a child because you are dependant on her. It doesn't make it right but it might make things a bit blurred. Some would think you still live under their roof if you are relying on them to pay your way through college.

It said in the update she has a job and pays her own way

Wolfe Tone

Kimia wrote: »

It's not worth falling out over. According to who? You clearly don't care what your mom thinks - you'll just apologise for an easy life and fair play to you - you obviously have a different relationship with your mam and that works for you.

Obviously its not worth falling out over and getting to the stage where neither of them talk ffs. I highly doubt the OP wants that.

I said she should apologize for saying what she did to her mam, not for having sex. It was a nasty thing to say and was wrong. And the OP knows it.

I don't know how you managed to know what my relationship is like with my mother from those few lines btw. Needless to say, you got it wrong.

If I ever said something like that to my mother I would apologize, no matter how much she deserved it, it was a very low comment. She should explain that what her mam said really upset her and she said what she did in the heat of the moment and is sorry for it.

She said absolutely horrible stuff, but I know my mother, and I know she won't apologise and she won't let this drop until I do.

OP, if your mam is really like this then you really have two options, apologize for what you said or stop talking to your mam, or living with her etc. Its your call really, I would say sorry, I dont think this is worth losing or really damaging your relationship with your mam.

Wompa1

bluewolf wrote: »

It said in the update she has a job and pays her own way

sorry, missed that. Why are you moving home OP? If you are working than would you not be better off out of home? Your mother sounds controlling, it would make more sense to spread your wings a bit

LegacyUser

I just wanted to say op that you shouldn't feel in any way awkward about this. You're the one acting responsibly here. I was in a similar situation myself (albeit is much less extreme) and i think it's just a generational thing. I'd give things some time but I wouldn't give too much ground here either.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Apologise for the very mean remark but explain you said it in response to horrible things she said to you.

Also make it clear you are not apologising fro being sexually active.

padr81

I would apoligise for what you said but only what you said. As im "mum, im sorry for the comment I made about you and dad when i was angry. but I am an adult and sexually active, its my life and its up to you to deal with it." and i'd ask and expect her to do the same. I think if you make the first move and be the bigger person its something you'll both get over easily