Desperately lonely

LegacyUser

I really need to get this out and tell someone. I feel I will go mad if I don't get this off my chest. I really don't want to come across as whiny but I just don't know what to do.

I am a 36 year old girl. I am desperately lonely. I hate feeling this way, I really do. Most of the time I just get on with my life but from time to time, this really gets to me and I am not a nice person to be around. I hate being this way. I find I am getting cynical and that is not who I am.

I haven't had a boyfriend in 10 years, haven't had sex in 6 years. I haven't been physically touched by a man in 5 years. The most sad and pathetic thing happened to me in a coffee shop a few months ago. An old man who was cleaning the tables accidentally brushed his hand against mine and I nearly cried because that was the most I had been touched by another person.

I have a family, my three brothers are all in very happy relationships. Two of them had children recently and I am very happy for them. But their happiness has made me realise just how alone I am and that as the years go by I feel that being with someone and having children is further and further from my grasp.

I have my own life, live alone, have hobbies, value my independence. I don't go out every weekend looking for a man. I've joined clubs, etc. Over the years I did look, and then went and did my own thing. I am an attractive person and every year I say, I'll meet someone and then the year comes to an end and I am on my own again.

I have friends but they seem more casual than anything else. I broke down a couple of times in front of my mum and she comforted me but in the end she says I will just have to get on with it.

I don't think people realise what loneliness is like. Never being touched, no-one to talk your feelings through, going home to an empty house.
I really don't know what I want from this. I think if I got this off my chest, then I won't be mean to people for no reason.

karaokeman

I understand what lonliness feels like. Most of my friends are just into popularity really and it becomes very sickening when your my age even (late 10s, early 20's).

But I know it must feel at this stage you will never find a partner but what you need to understand is you just haven't met the right person yet.

You're lucky to have had relationships, I still only had one gf who was a bitch, so we won't talk about that.

Other girls I have met just don't get me, they get a good impression of me. I'm friendly with them but we just never come across to each other as an item.

You didn't mention anything about your employment.

desperately lonely wrote: »

I have my own life, live alone, have hobbies, value my independence.

If you don't have a job, would you maybe consider applying to college as a mature student?

I know its hard to get to know people at clubs who you maybe only see one day a week when its on or whatnot. But if you go to college, you will have a better range of clubs & societies to join, and you will know people not only from there they will also be in your lectures.

I would say applying for a full time course would be the best way to meet people like yourself. Its much easier to get to know people who you walk around with 5 days a week than people you will only see for an hour or 2 at night/part-time courses.

Take into consideration many adults your age are applying for college now that so many are on the dole. My uncle is in his early 50s. Originally he felt he was probably too old for college and would be better off settling down but he gave it a go and now he's loving it. You could be the same.

And when you find yourself in a whole new social cycle a man will come into your life just when you least expect it.

MagicMarker

Person 1: I'm lonely

Person 2: Go to college.



OP, two words, online dating.

Miss Fluff

desperately lonely wrote: »

I have my own life, live alone, have hobbies, value my independence. I don't go out every weekend looking for a man. I've joined clubs, etc. Over the years I did look, and then went and did my own thing. I am an attractive person and every year I say, I'll meet someone and then the year comes to an end and I am on my own again.

You can't give up hope.

You also can't just expect it to happen as if by magic. The man of your dreams is most probably not just going to come knocking on your door so you do have to be as proactive as possible and try and manufacture and create as many opportunities as possible for yourself.

Have your brothers and their respective spouses got some nice male single friends that they could set you up with? Have you your eye on anyone at work? Have you been online dating?

You say you're an attractive girl and you probably have so much to give. You have to be proactive about it though, it will happen for you but only if you give yourself a chance to let it

Also, why haven't you bene with anyone in five years? I find it unbelievable that you wouldn't have had lots of offers in that time. Are you very fussy do you think? Or are you very shy? What impediment do you think there is to not seeing any action in that time?

bman1

i never reply to things like this, always just read them and skip on to the next one, but yours got to me sumhow. im not single that long, maybe 6 months, and for me it feels like ill never find sumone, which is fairly sad of me to be thinking like that considering my problems are small compared to other people. you will meet that guy, and from the sounds of it he'll be lucky to meet a girl like you. gotta keep the chin up, might happen when you least expect it!!

LegacyUser

personally online dating never worked for me, i seem to find the creeps and looneys, that said I've decided to work on me for while, As I have opposite problem, I've nearly always been in a relationship since I was 15, not a good one either, just craved love which goes back to issues from my childhood. I guess what I'm trying to say is, dont get into a relationship just because he might be your only chance(when you do meet someone)


seriously silly suggestion......op why not get a dog? it'll be a change from going home to an empty house, and also you might meet someone through walking the dog.

and dogs are always good company.
wat about friends op? a girls night out? and from experience, never go out on a man hunt, leave the man chase you

beeintheknow

Only the lonely know the heartache I've been throughhhh....

Only the lonely, know I've cried crieeeed for you...

There goes my baby...

Oryx

beeintheknow banned for offtopic posting.

karaokeman

MagicMarker wrote: »

Person 1: I'm lonely

Person 2: Go to college.



OP, two words, online dating.

Stay away from online dating whatever you do.

Its very overrated and most people there will be just using you.

I still stick by my first post here.

Eve_Dublin

OP I know what loneliness feels like and it's truly horrible but it can be fixed and only you can do tha. Believe me when i say most people have been in your shoes in some point in their lives. Everyone presuming that everyone else has full and active social lives when nothing could be further from the truth. Here are my suggestions:

- The man of your dreams might not coming knocking on your door....but how about asking the next rugged-looking man you see out for a coffee? I think because it's not the done thing at all at home that most men would be pleasantly surprised. Set yourself a dare that you'll give your number to one guy before the end of the week. Guy working in a bookstore, guy in a coffee shop, guy at work, guy in one of your hobbies....

- Internet dating...not something I know much about but I've heard great stories. You're going to meet a fair amount of creeps but judging from posts on Boards, there's just as many lonely guys out there as girls looking for someone. Sure what have you got to lose?

- Get your best threads on, get your friends out for more nights out and make an effort to talk to randoms. Worked for me many times.

- If your hobbies tend to be solitary affairs, think about joining more sociable clubs where you get a chance to meet people. Book clubs, hill walking clubs, theatre groups etc. I was a member of a Meet Up group when I lived at home in Dublin for a few months a few years ago. We met up and spoke Spanish and had drinks for a few hours. Really lovely people went along Website is: http://www.meetup.com/cities/ie/There's loads of different groups with different interests. Type in "meet up groups ireland" into (I'm presuming they're in all cities in Ireland and even smaller towns).

- Take a holiday on one of those trips for singles! I've heard of some great ones and if I remember the names, I'll get back to you.

- Would you consider getting a tenant if you have a spare room? If your renting, maybe move out and in with housemates? People are still sharing at your age (you're still only a young one) and in the current climate, you can choose your housemates as supposed to them choosing you. I've made many friends over the years through sharing and if you get along, you've got ready-made friends right there.

- If you're working, suggest a drink after work with your colleagues. Send an email round inviting them out some Thursday evening.

- If you're unemployed and have nothing holding you here, consider spending time in another European city teaching English (like me) or working in your field. Loads of ex pats here looking for friends. Much easier to make friends when your a foreigner in a country, strangely enough.

- Post up in Ladies Lounge more often here on Boards. I think people have made friends in there. They arrange nights out every few months and the women seem really lovely in there and if I lived at home myself, I'd go along to them.

- Get out and about generally and be proactive to get people together to socialise. Appoint yourself as the one to initiate nights out. Anyone you get along with (man or woman), ask for the their number. One of my friends here who I met at a bar one night and clicked with (female) asked me was I interested in making any more friends and we exchanged numbers and now we've been friends ever since! She's not Irish and I don't think we do that kind of thing at home but I admired her balls.

- Be friendly and stick your neck out, even if you have to fake it for a while. People are drawn to friendly people.

I'm sorry your in this position but it's totally fixable and you're the woman to do it. It's totally within your control and believe when I say there's loads of people your age in your shoes wanting to meet people in Ireland. People don;t get married in their early 20s anymore so many, many single people in their 30s nowadays.

Best of luck, chick. Look after yourself.













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sharper

What do you think stops you connecting with other people? Have you radically different views? Different interests? Dislike of social situations?

You mention you're mean to people when loneliness hits you - does that happen when people are trying to befriend you? Do you think they're not going to be your friend just like all the rest so you decide to drive them away yourself?

Loneliness and social disconnection are not well understood in Ireland but there are lots of people like you OP, it's just that they're out of sight just as you are. Naturally you only see the people that are out and about and having fun, seemingly without a care or worry in the world.

Anymore than you don't know what you're asking I (or anyone else) can't really say what you should do. Internet dating was mentioned, there are also more general social networking sites like meetup.com.

LegacyUser

To the OP-who started this thread don,t ever think you re alone in feeling like this-because there are always some others out there in a somewhat similar situation to you-Im in similar situation near 30 never had a girlfriend still a virgin-after thinking and analysing it-I have just never connected with anyone in the sense Unlike most people-I have never met someone and just Instanted clicked and felt that Instant connection with them along with mutual attraction-the only thing I ever experienced was a two month fling with a girl two years ago and that was complicated enough-you do have some family which is nice and easier way to meet people-Im an only child-live out on my own-don,t know any of my cousins that well-have only a small few friends as most of my friends from childhood are either married or living with partners in long term relationships-to the OP I hope you find someone in your life as I relate to what loneiless is like.

LegacyUser

OP, I've just come across your post as I was about to start a very similar thread. I'm a 34-year old male and I can completely empathise with your situation and what you're going through. Without being any way flippant about it, we've had exactly the same amount of sex in the last six years. I can't remember the last time I spoke to a single girl or the last time I kissed a girl. Meeting people of the opposite sex is something that seems to be for other people. I also live alone (I own my own house, have an extremely well paid job and am one of the most qualified people in my field) and apart from immediate family, can't remember the last time someone called. All of my closest friends are married. Any interaction with them is largely visiting to see their newborn children. On the rare occasion I meet them for drinks, it's me sitting at a table with three or four married couples. It occured to me this evening that I don't have any close friends, no one that I can call up to go for a drink with. I did have at one stage but they've all married and had kids.

Unfortunately though, I don't have any answers for you. I've tried internet dating, speed dating, joined clubs (on thinking about it recently, I realised that the clubs I've joined are vey male-dominated as my interests lie in sport/outdoor activities but even so, I've found it hard to make any real friendships as the vast majority of people seem to be married/engaged or in long-term relationships). I've loads of interests. I love food and spend hours cooking every week but I'm getting sick of cooking for one every night of every week of every month. I love travelling but I've holidayed alone for the last three years. I'm finding it increasingly hard to get motivated to organise a holiday this year knowing that I'll be checking into a single room somewhere, eating alone and spending all my days on my own.

Apologies if it appears that I've hijacked your thread. I just wanted to show that even though you're very lonely, you're aren't alone.

Semele

Ignore whoever said that online dating is a bad idea. It's great! You're not committing to anything so why not give it a go? Obviously you're not going to be mad into everyone that you meet off it anymore than you would in real life but it's a great way of creating the semblance of a social life! I started it when I moved to London and met some great people. I had a date last night for example: we didn't particularly click but he was a nice guy and we had a few drinks and a fun couple of hours chatting in a pub. Don't know if we'll do it again but rather than seeing that as a failure, I got the fun of knowing all week that I had a date lined up for the weekend and then the excitement of getting ready with a glass of wine and meeting someone new.

There really is nothing to lose if you go into it with the right attitude. Aim to set yourself up a date every week and you'll soon feel busy...and that's before you get into second dates, making friends etc! I have a tendency to get very lonely at times but for me I find that having something planned for a few days in advance alleviates this and lets me enjoy my own company and happily potter about until then- it's just a long stretch of time with nothing to look forward to that gets me! There's a fun thread over in the Gentleman's Club forum on online dating that you should have a look at.

I also second the Ladies Lounge forum meet-ups. There are some lovely welcoming people there and if I still lived in Dublin I'd jump at the chance to hang out with them!

I've never done singles holidays but a male friend of mine is well into them and goes every year (I don't know if his are actually "singles" or just lone travellers who want more of a social aspect actually?). He's always had an amazing time, has dated a few people he met for a while and the groups get very close dring the holiday and seem to have reunions frequently following return. So definitely an option- maybe treat yourself to a holiday, just go with the aim of having fun and kick-starting a new attitude to life that will hopefully carry over when you get back!

Loneliness is horrible, I know, and there seems to be a huge stigma about admitting it when there is such a popularity culture. It's like admitting you're a freak! You'd really be surprised how many people feel like this though and I think most people would be receptive to attempts to make friends- it's just the fear of rejection or seeming weird that stops people trying. That's what the great thing about dating/meet-up sites is- everyone is in much the same position of not being able to meet people they click with, so there's no pretence!

LegacyUser

Hi, thank you so much for your kind and helpful replies. It means a lot.

I would just like to answer a few questions. Probably one of the reasons I've been on my own for so long, is because I dated/met a series of men who treated me badly and I just had enough and withdrew from them. I put all my energy into a college course I was doing and that kept me busy. After a period of isolation I did try and get back into the whole trying-to-meet someone but I found most people I met were in relationships. My town is quite small and it's very hard to meet single 30somethings.

Although I havent been giving it my all, I will try and be more proactive.
But you know when you get to your mid-30s - for me anyway - I wish I wasn't looking for someone. It's just the effort involved. I would rather be at home with a book that out in a niteclub chatting someone up. Oh I sound so boring - I'm not really! I love live music but I find it's not really a place to meet someone. People are there for the music. Or maybe it's me. Maybe I am closing myself off?

I've thought about the online dating before but to be honest I don't think I could go ahead with it. I just couldn't put my photo up on the internet for people to look at and make judgements. I would like to try it, but I just couldn't do it. I admire people who can.

Eve, I couldn't be that brave and ask someone out during the day! But I will be more proactive in trying to meet someone.
I live on my own and apart from the sometimes feeling empty I am happy with my independence. I couldn't share with people again, I am just too set in my ways now!

I suppose I am a bit shy and find it very hard to trust people. It's probably why my friends are casual but it's also because I value my independence and can do things on my own, no bother. I am not saying I don't need people but some of my old friends treated me badly too and I wish my friends weren't so casual. I seem to be rambling a bit and not making much sense.

Sorry if things are jumbled up. I was trying to answer some of the questions that were asked but probably missed loads.
But thanks for reading my post and giving some good advice. It really helped to write down the way I was feeling. As a result I had a better day than I thought I was going to have. (BTW when I say I treat people badly it's more that I snap at them or criticise them and it's only because I am unhappy.)

Lorri_L

OP just on the internet dating thing...as far as I know most sites allow you to keep your picture private so you only show it to people you're chatting to when you want to.
Why not check and see if this is possible and just bite the bullet and join? At the end of the day what harm can it do? I know a good few couples that met online so it can't be all bad.

jdivision

I think you've blown it all up into such a big thing in your mind that it'll be hard to meet somebody as you'll be so nervous. Try something simple like setting yourself a target of having a three minute chat with somebody you don't know next time you're out. Then set another target, go from there and build your confidence.
As for online dating, I'd join plentyoffish which is free and keep your picture private. Talk to the guys who've taken the time to read your profile or contact the ones that sound like you've something in common with. Ignore the weird emails - just hit block - and the hey babe ones. PoF's actually great for getting over shyness even if nothing comes of it because as well as messaging people you get on with, you get used to seeing someone you like, not hearing back and moving on to somebody else. I used to be paralytically shy and doing this helped get over fears of rejection, now I can chat to anybody when I'm out and perhaps unsurprisingly, as a result met somebody offline who I'm very much in love with.

funkey_monkey

I've just started a similar thread to this. It all rings so true for me. Althogh I have got myself into a depression over the loneliness and isolation.

Good luck and I hope things start working out for you.

LegacyUser

I know exactly how you feel. I am also 36, haven't been in a relationship for 10 years (or even dated for that matter), live alone, and definitely know that desperately lonely feeling when you try to think back to the last time you even had any physical contact. (I also have 3 brothers.... weird... ) But because I am EXACTLY where you are I can hopefully offer some sage adice from my experience.

Like you I had a moment of realisation as to how truly lonely I was. I decided to treat myself to a massage to help with a sore neck. I don't normally have masssages so this was a last ditch effort when nothing else would help. OMG. That day changed my life. Having someone touch my skin for the first time in literally years and years was so overwhelming I bawled and bawled my eyes out right at the massage place. Naked, except for a towel, in front of a woman I'd just met, with people in the next room. I wasn't expecting all that emotion to come out like that - it was incredibly embarrassing... but also a big wake up call. Havin that kind of intense touch was like an electrical current going through my body and I short circuited - emotionally.

All my friends are getting married, settling down, having kids or have partners that take up all their time. I have no single friends left to go out with and when I try to explain that I'm lonely, need their attention and that I don't have feel any connections they just tell me the same old crap - online dating, ask a guy out, get a hobbie. It's not that simple. They seem to keep missing the point. I need their attention - I'm in a rut and I can't get out of it without help.

Touch is a crucial thing to everyone - not just romantically - any touch. When you are not validated/touched by other people it wrecks havoc with your health - a thousand underdeveloped Romanian orphans will tell you that. When you don't have companionship you miss out on all the great hormone releases that physical contact and connection with others provides for you. A simple hug sets off oxytocin in your body, that in turn sets of brain chemicals that make you feel good, that in turn lifts your mood that, that in turn changes the energy you send out, that in turn gets picked up by others, that in turn determines how others react to you, that it turn makes them want to hug you and so it goes on and on. Send out positive energy, others will react positively to you and continue the cycle.

But once you are out of the cycle, and especially if you've been out of it for a long time and don't have access to a simple thing such as human touch, it is difficult to reset and get yourself back in the cycle. So you feel bad, you feel lonely, you get frustrated and eventually end up in a negative cycle. And no you can't just get out of a negative cycle by focussing on yourself/your career, online dating or asking random people out.

Loneliness is a very serious condition that even though people say they understand, most people don't actually get that it is deeper than just not having a relationship "at the moment" or being single. Longterm lonliness depresses your immunity, effects your hormones and ultimately changes your brain chemistry. It's not about not having anyone to hang out with on a Friday night. It is as much a health problem as it is a mental and social one.

So I suggest you treat your lonliness as a health problem like any other condition and seek treatment.

Firstly, you need to be touched. You had that realisation moment as well - so book yourself in for a massage (Learn from my story though. It may be emotionally painful - so be prepared. Try to find a holistic massuse that will understand.). Start to see them regularly.

Next, look at your diet and see what foods you are eating that could be negatively affecting you. Get rid of refined foods, processed sugars etc. Vitamins and minerals are essential and most people just aren't getting enough.

Also, if you are not exercising, you need to start. Most people will say join a gym, but I prefer the sunshine (you don't produce Vitamin D - a brilliant mood enhancer - in a sweaty flourescent lit room at the gym). Simply going for a walk everyday in the sunshine (make sure your skin gets direct light - no sunscreen!) can make a world of difference.

What you ultimately need to do is change your energy, lift your hormones and find ways to improve your brain chemistry so you can swing your negative lonely cycle to a positive embracing one. If you can create the feel good feelings through your diet or exercise and start carrying more positive energy about you, others are likely to pick up on this and start responding as such. It will take time and dedication though. So no more focussing on the career, ignoring your feelings, keeping yourself busy or wondering when the right man will come along . It's time to start focussing on getting healthy. Really healthy.

But remember there are a lot of people in the same situation. You are definitely not alone even when the lonliness is more than you can bear. Many people overcome all sorts of health problems every day.

And you will overcome this. I promise.

janine

sharper

desperately lonely wrote: »

I suppose I am a bit shy and find it very hard to trust people. It's probably why my friends are casual but it's also because I value my independence and can do things on my own, no bother. I am not saying I don't need people but some of my old friends treated me badly too and I wish my friends weren't so casual. I seem to be rambling a bit and not making much sense.

Everyone has bad experiences with other people, sometimes it even seems impossible to escape patterns of bad behaviour out there. There are good people out there who will surprise you (positively) if you give them a chance.

Irish people seem to prefer "activity" friends (go drinking, go on holidays etc) to emotional connections but there are people just like you out there and one even just posted. You just need a way to start interacting with people where it's clear from the start what you want, rather than running the gamut of normal happy-go-lucky people and then trying to find one that'll understand where you're coming from.