'Sexually active' definition & pelvic exam opinion

LegacyUser

Apologies in advance folks, this might get a bit long; I'm not looking for medical advice but am confused about something that happened during a visit to the hospital today.

Background: my GP thinks I might have polycystic ovaries & referred me to get a pelvic ultrasound. I've never had sex- by that I mean no penis, hands & mouth only.

I went today, the nurse/ technician lady did the ultrasound & then said she'd also have to do a pelvic exam. This was mentioned as a possibility in the appointment letter. While she was getting me into position, she mentioned that I looked nervous, the conversation continued like this:
- "I haven't done anything like this before"
- "You've never had a smear test?"
- "No"
- "Are you sexually active?"
- "Eh... no"
- "Never?"
- "No"
- "Right we cant do this then"
She then sent away the 'chaperone' that she'd brought in (she said a chaperone had to be present during a pelvic exam).
She was very nice, reassuring and explained that they might do an MRI at a later time instead.

Since I got home though, I've been looking it up & I'm not sure why she didn't do the exam. She said she couldn't if I hadn't had sex or a smear test, "as the probe would sit quite high in the vagina". The internet is divided on whether a pelvic exam would usually be done on a virgin. The definition of 'sexually active' isn't concrete it seems. (If we were discussing something like STDs then I probably would have elaborated more, but I presumed that she was referring to penetrative sex).

So here I am, feeling like more of a freak than usual for being a 29-year old virgin; also feeling like an idiot for possibly giving the wrong answer & thus messing up the whole procedure; ultimately feeling like a failure of a woman because its bad enough that I haven't slept with anyone, but now a medical diagnosis is being delayed because of it.

I guess I'm just wondering how people define 'sexually active' & what should I have done differently?

LegacyUser

Stop worrying, it sounds like you did the right thing. You were being sensible, but you're just worrying because everything feels strange when you're not sure what's happening.

If she needed to do the pelvic exam, she would have done it.

If you still feel unsure, give the hospital (or your GP) a ring and ask them about it to set your mind at rest.

LegacyUser

Im not an expert on the subject but if it was me Id define 'sexually active' as being involved in a sexual activity on a fairly regular basis, whether its penetrative or not. For example if it was a non virgin who hadnt had any sexual activity in a year or two Id say they wern't sexually active but had been in the past.

I wonder was she concerned about tearing your hymen or something. It seems a bit strange that she wouldnt have questioned you in more detail about what you ment since your looking for a diagnosis. Im assuming she may have thought you ment youd never had any sexual activity at all.

I dont know much about the condition you think you may have but is it perhaps connected to penetrative sex? Meaning she thought you were un likely to have it due to your answer, in any case it does seem strange that she would deny you a medical procedure based on whether youve had penetrative sex.

LegacyUser

I am a lad so excuse me for my ignorance :P

I would assume she couldn't do it because your Hymen is still probably intact, preventing her from going in deep with the probe.

LillyVanilli

BluePinkYellowGreen wrote: »

I guess I'm just wondering how people define 'sexually active' & what should I have done differently?

By Sexually active the nurse meant penetrative sex, so you answered correctly and theres nothing you should have done differently

LegacyUser

Thanks LillyVanilli for reading, and replying

vicecreamsundae

that IS confusing OP!

I don't understand why a pelvic exam wouldn't have been done?! is it anything to do with the assumption that someone not sexually active would still have their hymen intact?! (unlikely for a 29 yr old, technical virgin or not - I broke mine when i landed on the crossbar of my bike!).

as for the sexually active thing, when she asked "never?" i probably would have specified that you had oral sex/mutual masturbation. I don't know if it's important, but i would consider that sexually active.

maybe call your doc and ask about it?

i also find it strange that you had to have a chaperone for a pelvic exam.. i've never had a chaperone during a pap/pelvic exam, i guess different places just have different protocol.

amdublin

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

i also find it strange that you had to have a chaperone for a pelvic exam.. i've never had a chaperone during a pap/pelvic exam, i guess different places just have different protocol.

I've had no chaperone when women carry it out. I've always had a chaperone when a male dr has carried it out.

Op see,s fair enough to me - you answered the ladys question and she explained the reason why they would not proceed.

Talk to your dr if you are still worried.

Also would not worry about being a 29yr virgin. Sure what's wrong with that.

Overheal

im guessing that the procedure would rupture your hymen? assuming you still have it.

Kidchameleon

Why would you feel like a freak for not having sex? Don't let society tell you when you should do it, wait for the right person.

Neyite

Op, for a smear or a pelvic (havent had this done)they do widen you a lot 'down there' so it was likely that she was worried that the instruments she needed to use would hurt you more or break your hymen.

It could very well be a standard hospital procedure that is done on virgins regardless - you yourself may not mind if your hymen gets torn during a procedure but I would imagine for certain religions it is very important that the hymen be preserved. Maybe the clinic put this in place to avoid lawsuits etc. (I'm just guessing here by the way!)

I have had the pelvic ultrasound and it will tell them just as much as the pelvic exam would, and its far more pleasant.

SATSUMA

My sister was in the same situation-apparantly they dont do it because it might be too painful for you. There isn't much to be gained by doing it for your particular diagnosis so it's not worth putting you through that.

And when you do see if you have cysts, apparantly that doesnt really matter as such either! The treatment for PCOS depends on your hormonal reading, how irregular your periods are,your blood sugar level, your weight, whether you are trying to conceive, how hairy you are...!

It's more to do with assisting you with the symptoms really. Many women have alot of cysts and experience no problems whatsoever.

LegacyUser

Hello, OP here again. Thanks everyone for replying- only LillyVanilli's comment was displayed last night for some reason.

Sybill- yeah, I lost my mind a little because it was all so unfamiliar & strange. I could barely speak even when she was just doing the ultrasound, just because I was uncomfortable I guess. My Dr. will be getting in touch about the results & I imagine he'll have some questions to ask about why they didn't do the pelvic exam.

idle passerby- I actually would describe sexual activity similarly to you, but in the moment the nurse/ultrasound technician asked me, I could only think that I hadn't had penetrative sex. I expected her to ask a bit more, in which case I would have elaborated, but she didn't say anything further. As I mentioned above, I lost my reason a bit because of the uncomfortable situation. I've never had to answer questions while two people were standing at my feet & me in that position! As far as I've read the condition is not connected to penetrative sex, I think she was just thinking of the pelvic exam.

qwertygh & overheal- yeah it does seem like that, thanks for your logical thinking

vicecreamsundae- yeah I guess it is to do with that assumption, in fairness if she'd asked me I wouldn't have known the answer.
& amdublin- yeah the chaperone thing actually made me more uncomfortable, I was just getting used to the first lady & suddenly she left the room saying she would go get a chaperone as there had to be one present. I would understand this protocol for a male Dr. but in this case it just freaked me out.

amdublin & Kidchameleon- I dont usually worry about it, it just comes up sometimes. People assume that- at my age- I have had sex, I've had boyfriends etc. I feel like a liar in those cases; I've never lied about it, but just let people assume rather than face a load of questions.

Neyite- yeah, that sounds like it could be the reason. I would have thought that she should question me a little more though (again, I didn't seem to be able to volunteer info!). When she was explaining about doing an MRI because the pelvic exam was out of the question, I asked why was it out of the question. She answered as I said in my original post, but didn't say why that was the protocol.

SATSUMA- I actually dont have too many symptoms but need to find out whats going on anyway. The nurse/ technician said I have at least one cyst, so I'm guessing they'll follow up with an MRI.

Thanks again everyone for your opinions & advice. On a slightly different note, from what I've read in the past it seems a virgin does not need to go for a smear test. Given this experience, I would expect that they would refuse me even if I did go for one (for the reasons Neyite & SATSUMA give), does anyone have any experience with this?

Neyite

They will send every woman between 25 and 60 a letter, but you can decline if you wish.

http://www.cervicalcheck.ie/information_professionals/frequently_asked_questions_for_health_professionals.559.html#6

No harm to chat to the GP about it anyway, as you are already experiencing problems just to rule out.

baby and crumble

I'm no virgin but I've never had sex with a man, but I am sexually active (I love when doctors ask me and I'm so honest, it really freaks them out!) but I do know my smear test was an absolute NIGHTMARE, presumably because I have never had sex with a guy- they do widen you quite a bit for it.

You should go for a smear, though, OP. It doesn't matter if you're technically a virgin (like me) you should still go. Yes, it's less likely you'll be carrying the HPV virus which causes cervical cancer, but it's still important to go get tested. It's painful, but hey, whats 5 minutes compared to a cancer diagnosis 5 years too late, right?

vicecreamsundae

in contrast to zoegh (but not to undermine her experience!), my first pap test was when i was sexually active but before i had peen/vag sex and it wasn't at all painful. like, at all at all! just to put that out there

Wisco

I agree with zoegh as well- probably no harm to have a smear test just to be safe. I know it's unpleasant (I had one recently and it wasn't too horrible) but regular smears can save lives, regardless of whether you've been sexually active or not. In some places (the US) they start smear testing as teenagers, even in girls who've never had sex.

LegacyUser

Hello, OP again... thanks again for the replies.

Neyite- thanks for that link, I haven't come across that info before. Yeah I will talk to my dr. when he calls about the test results.

Zoegh- sorry to hear about your experience with your smear test. Thanks for your logical thinking.

vicecreamsundae- thanks for your perspective, I guess I shouldn't presume that it'll hurt like hell! One of my sisters says it was it was the worst experience of her life, and she wasn't a virgin at that stage.. stories like that have been scaring me off. I guess it depends on anatomy, there's no knowing how it'll be for me.

Wisco- thanks for your logic also

I was planning to go for a smear test once I've had sex, (hopefully happening soon), if going for a smear test means they can then do a pelvic exam later to help with this diagnosis, then it would make sense to do it. Wish I'd known in advance!

Big Bag of Chips

Also just to add my tuppence. I've had pelvic exams and smears and they (for me!) were at worst MILDLY uncomfortable... I stress mildly! And nowhere near 5 mins. Less than 30 seconds probably!

I think it's the worry and apprehension that makes it worse.

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

Thank Big Bag of Chips for your response.

I've calmed down a bit since I originally posted & can hopefully talk to my dr. without losing my head. Thanks again all for your replies, there's nothing like the reassurance of strangers

pookie82

I don't understand why people would be baffled by this.

OP, for many women, before you've had sex or even regular sex, it would be very distrsssing and difficult for a medical professional to do an deep and penetrative, prolonged exam without hurting you.

For every story of "my smear was painless" there'll be someone saying theirs was horrific.

Biologically speaking, women are different. For example, some don't find first time sex painful, others find it horrific. If you're very tight down there, better to have it "broken in" (excuse the crude term) by sex than some nurse with metal instruments.

If they can find out what they need to know by less invasive means, they're right to do so, given your sexual inexperience. My male doctor once asked if I'd had a smear when I was 22 (hadn't had sex yet) and I said no and explained that I wasn't sexually active. He insisted I have one. When I attended the nurse, much like yourself, I expressed nervousness, and when she found out that I has never had sex, she said there was no need to put me through it.

I've had two smears since being sexually active and both have been very uncomfortable. It may be the case that I'm just physically tighter or smaller than other women down there but I can completely understand why someone wouldn't want to carry out a prolonged and invasive physical exam on you when you haven't even had a penis in there.

Of course if you feel really strongly about having a pelvic exam regardless, you can seek a second opinion. But that nurse probably did you a massive favour.

dudara

djrichard If you can't post anything helpful, then don't post. Pelvic examinations are very important for adult women as they can help identify cervical cancers and other nasties.

dudara

Silverfish

djrichard wrote: »

Ah sure, I won't bother posting again after this. Personally I dont find a little light hearted humour in a thread, serious or otherwise, much of a problem. This entire forum is full of jokes and if we were told not to post anything other than useful comments, then the post count would most probably halve.

No offence intended OP, but I'm sure you and most others realised that. A case of over zealous moderating perhaps...

Please read the charter before posting here again.

Off-topic and unhelpful posting will result in a ban. Arguing moderation is considered off-topic posting.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply pookie 82. Sorry to hear your smears have been so uncomfortable, I would have thought they'd have different sized instruments ? Yes, as you say, I took it that it would be better to be - to use your term- 'broken in' before going for a smear test & that's why I haven't attended, despite receiving letters.
"... when you haven't even had a penis in there." this made me smile

I didn't see djrichard's original post- I guess I should be glad!

LegacyUser

Hi OP, it really will depend from person to person, but I hope you haven't heard too many scare stories!! just to give you my experience, I had my first pelvic exam when I was still a virgin, the doctor knew this and was very gentle and it was uncomfortable but not too bad. They do have different sized instruments, so if you talk it through with your doc first, they'll know to use a smaller one, and hopefully to relax you as much as possible. If you feel uncomfortable with a particular doctor, maybe go elsewhere, the more relaxed you are, the better.