Advice from those in successful long term relationships

LegacyUser

Can people please shed some light on what qualities you feel are important in your partner and with your relationship in order to have a successful long term relationship and family with your partner?

Oryx

OP, youll have to elaborate on how this is an issue for you or the thread may be closed.

LegacyUser

I'm at a make or break situation with my partner, we will either go down the road of serious commitment and family or we will split. My partner has some qualities that I find difficult to deal with but I'm just not sure if it's my difficultly in compromising. I'm curious as to what qualities others find necessary in their partner to make things work in the long term, ie. sense of humour, hardworking, loyalty, fun, similar interests, communication etc.

bobbytables

My grandfather was a very modern man, even more so when compared to some of my friend's parents. He passed away 2 years ago, aged 81 (married 50 years) and I believe he had the right idea when it came to successful long term relationships. From him I learned that successful relationships do not just exist, solid foundations need to be established first and it takes two people to maintain it after that. The path to successful longevity is rarely created during the "honeymoon" period. Sooner or later one or both of you will be tested. It takes work & sometimes that work will be hard. The strength of a relationship is measured on how you handle the difficult stuff; not how many consecutive days have passed where ye can convince yourselves that everything is OK when it might not be. Good communications is not just important, it's essential & it will be necessary. So is an ability to empathize with your partner & respect their opinion/position.

Everyone is human, and no human is perfect, so there will be times you should apologize for & work on those imperfections. You won't always know what the right decision is, and again, you may have to say you're "sorry" when wrong. Issues left unresolved just create tension and increase the probability of destructive behavior or descend the relationship in to a power struggle. There are a lot of things that can steal your attention away from your relationship, E.g. kids, family, friends, work, etc. Despite all of those things you still need to make time for yourselves & keep the romance alive. Also romance does not require money. It's not your partners responsibility to remind you that you need to do your part for the relationship. E.g. consistently putting your own personal interests first. Other people are not responsible for the maintenance or quality of your relationship with your partner so remember that when they offer you advice. Single friends are rarely good agony aunts in this regard, in fact often quite the opposite (for selfish reasons). Also there is a big difference between your perception of another couple's relationship and the reality or what you might even be told. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, so consider that before you loose sleep over comparisons. It's not a competition. If the person you are with means enough to you, then there really is no grass greener elsewhere.

If you feel things are getting too hard, be honest with yourself; have you made the right efforts to turn it around?. Just because your partner might be doing something that's bothering you, doesn't mean that they will automatically know this. You have to be able to calmly talk about what's wrong. At the end of the day you probably want the same thing, the relationship to work, so focus on that.

The above all sounds like hard work and no fun whatsoever, which is definitely not the reality. The reason why I focused on so much of the difficult stuff is because it's not the easy/fun stuff that exists that will cause the relationship to end.

It's alway important to be realistic when you meet people for the first time. Often the first port of call is physical attraction as social interaction is not required to establish this. People have a tendency to fill in the blanks and make assumptions about the other unknowns. E.g. this hot guy/girl is most likely going to be great craic too or at least appears to be that way inclined. This is not the right time to be forming opinions or jumping to conclusions because it's more than likely not real, real will come later.

I hope that is of some help to you OP.

Oh yeah, I should have added, I am in a long term relationship (7+ years) and have applied most if not all of the above.

Kooli

In my opinion, the only problem in a relationship that cannot be solved is if either person is unwilling to address problems.

In other words, if one person refuses to admit there is a problem, avoids problems, gets defensive or aggressive about problems etc., that to me is a relationship that won't last, because problems are 100% inevitable, be it financial issues, personal difficulties, sexual problems, differences in values, family matters etc.

The specifics of the relationship problem itself are not as important IMO - it's the person's way of approaching/addressing problems that matters.

My only 'must have' in a relationship is someone who is mature and willing to discuss things openly, and who will work on problems with me as a team - both of us trying to fix the problem, rather than both of us trying to 'win' in an argument.

And I would consider my marriage a very happy one, if that makes me qualified to reply!!

LegacyUser

You don't say what qualities you are having difficulty with? For me some of the most important qualities to sustain a lasting relationship are are trust, respect, love, compromise, communication and an attraction, not just physical, but something that goes beyond that, something that you know ties you to that person forever. If you can see yourself with that person through thick and thin and can see a future with them- children with them etc, building a life together them then you should address the qualities you are having difficulty with.
There is no perfect relationship as was said above and there is no real checklist of perfect qualities- somethings require work if you are willing to be with that person and they are willing to be with you. Maybe if you raise the issues, if you havnt already done so and see if there is any compromise on both sides- and trial it like that?

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, keep it coming .....

Do you think two people can stay "in love" forever or does this end and the relationship will work as long as you both still love, respect and are attracted to each other?

Roselm

daftanddirect wrote: »

Thanks guys, keep it coming .....

Do you think two people can stay "in love" forever or does this end and the relationship will work as long as you both still love, respect and are attracted to each other?

Hi there, I'm not sure how long you are going out with your partner but I have heard that 5 years into a relationship is often a problem time and I think (sorry being a bit vague here) there is an actual change in hormone levels in the couple involved-i.e. "honeymoon" hormones die down.
So if this is where you are at it may be that a little extra is needed to put the spark back as it's not automatically there now.
Best of luck.

Reesy

daftanddirect wrote: »

Thanks guys, keep it coming .....

Do you think two people can stay "in love" forever or does this end and the relationship will work as long as you both still love, respect and are attracted to each other?

Hi OP,

I echo a number of other points made here. In my experience of 20 years' marriage, I have found that the relationship works because we _show_ love and respect (etc.) in the way we _behave_. Feeling it & saying it doesn't count for anywhere near as much as actions. Sometimes, I have found, love is an act of will - choosing it to be so has carried me through some challenging times.

So I'm saying that IME, once the passion fades, what carries us thru is each treating the other as the most important person in the world. Does that help?

Jack B. Badd

daftanddirect wrote: »

Do you think two people can stay "in love" forever or does this end and the relationship will work as long as you both still love, respect and are attracted to each other?

I remember a very interesting response on a BBC piece where, when an elderly couple were asked how they had maintained their marriage for more than 50 years, the husband replied that they had never fallen out of love with each other at the same time.

This stuck with me & I think an awareness that the feeling of being in love waxes & wanes helps you work through the periods of low ebb. I can't really say my relationship is a long one (nearly 5 years so far & I hope we last much longer) but I know that I've had periods where seeing him gives me butterflies and there are periods where that feeling fades. I love him through it and those butterflies have always come back so far

Ickle Magoo

daftanddirect wrote: »

Thanks guys, keep it coming .....

Do you think two people can stay "in love" forever or does this end and the relationship will work as long as you both still love, respect and are attracted to each other?

Relationships are fluid; circumstances, each partner and their views and actions change - the relationship changes with that - the love between partners is conditional so of course falling out of love is always a possibility.

There are no two ways about it, long term relationships that are mutually satisfying rather than just going through the motions out of habit, take a lot of work to maintain; discussion, understanding and compromise - not to mention the biggies - time and effort. There will always be conflicts to resolve and together you have to talk and talk and talk and try to carve a path through life that is acceptable enough to both of you, yet that resentment and dissatisfaction isn't allowed to start to pollute your relationship.

My grandparents were still grabbing each other for a snog after 50 odd years of marriage, my dad still smack my mum on the bum and goes in for a snuggle after 30 odd years...and I'm 11 years and still going strong - fingers crossed!