Closeted Lesbian Married to a Man?

LegacyUser

New here and to this sort of thing. Am visiting a friend that thinks I should talk about this with others that are similar. Married a very long time and I am in my late fiftys. I have known I am gay for years. Two weeks before I married in 1991, I was with a woman sexually. She was a team mate that I believe I loved. Since that time I have enjoyed several women. As I get older I may want to come out so I may find a proper mate to share life with. My husband is often gone and lends way for opportunities now but I am tired of hiding it. Here I am years later with 3 still at home and a life I don't enjoy. I no longer have sex with my husband for years now. To divorce would cause harm to the entire family. My family has a good deal to do with our finances and I don't know how their reaction would effect us financially. Any of you have suggestions or advice for me? I am Catholic and many people know me. I have a reputation to protect as I am also an educator. Who else is married and closeted?

Many Thanks

apache

why did you get married if you felt this way?
was it because it was easier?
www.runningamach.ie
visit that site. there are a few women there in your situation. its best to talk to people in the same situation.
the women i know who were in this situation have left their husbands. its the only fair thing to do for you and your husband.
finances and reputation - you must decide if they are more important than your happiness.
good luck. i know it is not easy.

****stix i seem to have got the web address wrong. is it .com? if anybody could amend that would be super. thanks.

Annasopra

http://www.meetup.com/Dublin-LGBTQ-Womens-Social-Networking-Club/

Ambersky

Hi loriel
Id like to respond by looking at things from the possible point of view of that potential mate.
You say "As I get older I may want to come out so I may find a proper mate to share life with."
Id like to ask What Life?
It sounds like you had at least one opportunity to have a genuine relationship with someone, a woman, whom you loved but you gave it up for ....whatever, security, social acceptance, family pressure, money, children and now you think maybe you are ready to try again.

But what’s changed. Have you changed, have your circumstances changed.
Will the next woman find herself in the same situation as that first woman, being rejected if she gets in the way of you and your social standing.

You describe yourself as being closeted.
There is a price to being in the closet and it’s a high price.
We think we are staying in the closet to save ourselves and so that we can have all those things we think we will loose if we come out, but no one gets away without paying a price.

So in order to keep those things you value you sell your soul.
It sounds harsh, but I believe it is your soul that has not settled that cries out as you get older for some authenticity
You say "Since that time I have enjoyed several women."
It sounds like you have been keeping a deliberate line of separation, a disconnect, between relationship and sex.
Women you have enjoyed, but now you are looking for a proper mate you can share your life with.
But again I say What Life?
Maybe if you just concentrate on yourself for a while and figure out a little better who you are and who you want to be, you could get a life you could actually share with someone with some authenticity.
Meeting other women who have done this journey, or are a little further along the way than you, hearing how they have done it and how they feel about it, could be helpful for you.
But you will not be able to have an authentic relationship, a proper mate and keep everything intact.
You will have to face your fears and realise you will win some you will loose some.

As I get older myself I realise how important it is to deal with your own sh*t, your own issues.
What you haven’t taken care of, will just keep repeating itself in one form or another untill you do.

Platinum2010

When you say you have a reputation to protect . what does being gay have to do with your reputation ? There is nothing wrong with Loving someone only Ignorant people think there is to be honest .
I think before you can be with someone you need to accept yourself and decide whether pleasing the people in the community is more important to you than your own happiness .

As for what you did years ago ,I'm against it and I cannot lie
I don't agree with the fact you entered a marriage with a man whilst knowing you didnt wanna be with him .
By doing that you hurt 3 people , You hurt the girl you were seeing , You hurt him , and most of all you hurt yourself .
I'm sure you had your reasons. back in the 90's was as accepting as today I understand , maybe you were under pressure .I really don't know

I think you need to learn to be proud of yourself though and to look out for your happiness and I can pretty much guarantee it will all work out for the best

Aard

loreil wrote: »

To divorce would cause harm to the entire family.

Sometimes you have to be selfish about these things. It's your life. Not to be morbidly dramatic or anything, but you don't want to be on your deathbed saying shoulda woulda coulda. Are you gonna keep having clandestine trysts while the cat's away, never fully satisfied and always coming to the same depressing roadblock? Or are you gonna look after number one and tell your husband that you're just not that into him?

There's no quick fix remedy, but if you're open with your loved ones, then over time a solution will emerge.

SugarHigh

I think this is all very unfair on your husband. He deserves to be with someone who actually wants to be with him.

Platinum2010

SugarHigh wrote: »

I think this is all very unfair on your husband. He deserves to be with someone who actually wants to be with him.

100% agree

dlofnep

SugarHigh wrote: »

I think this is all very unfair on your husband. He deserves to be with someone who actually wants to be with him.

And someone who doesn't cheat on him. OP is selfish.

Ambersky

In fairness to loreil there are an awful lot of women in her position particularly in her age group.
If we take it that (and I know this is an arguable point) 10% of the female population are LGBT, well where are they all, particularly the older ones? You wont find them out on the scene and Running Amach is a big group, but not that big.
They are married mostly, to men, thats where they are.

It was a lot harder to come out in the 70s 80s and early 90s and even still after legalisation, equality laws, civil partnership, etc a lot of people today have difficulty coming out.
It probably seemed easier to the OP to just do what everyone else expected her to do and then think if she went along with it maybe eventually she would settle down and actually be happy.
You know the way it is with anything, one thing leads to another and before you know it your stuck.

On these boards there is a lot of talk about young people coming out.
Another big group of people coming out are women who married like the OP and are in their 40s and 50s.
Having dedicated their lives up to now to their children they have waited untill their children were able to fend for themselves to finally take a chance at having a life for themselves.
Thats hardly selfish, its quite sad, and its part of who we are as LGBT people. This is all part of our history.

The biggest thing here probably is that the OP has children still at home.
But perhaps her children are well on the way to independence and would understand and accept if the OP herself could lead the way and be a good role model for them showing how to be true to yourself.
It sounds at the moment though like the OP hasnt come out to herself fully so how could she explain it to the children.
This coming out, or developing a fuller understanding of who she is and what that means to herself, to a potential partner, to her family, to her social circle, for her job, are all things that will take time, a lot of time.
I would imagine starting with herself first is the best place to start and then see where and if she wants to go any further.

It is perfectly possible for loriel to come along to meetings and talk to other women, do a bit of socialising and not have to change her entire world overnight.
She can take her time if she wants to and feels able to.
I am saying that up to now loriel seems to have kept her sexuality and women, removed from her life as a kind of thing on the side, I am asking her to look at the effect of that both on the women and on herself.
If she is looking for some kind of authenticity in her life I think she should learn to associate women with more than sex and wait untill she has figured out her life a bit more before she decides to involve another woman.

Its not particularly fair to fully blame the individual for not standing up to something that is a societal problem i.e. compulsory heterosexuality.
With awareness though the individual needs to develop understanding and take responsibility and control.

In my opinion the OP needs to develop an understanding of what it means to be Gay or Lesbian, she needs to get rid of some of the brainwashing, have some fun and then she needs to decide - later- what to do with her life.

Platinum2010

I get your point that that is what was expected of a woman and yes It's hard to know where to start when it comes to coming out .

But for the love of God she could have left the husband rather than cheat on him time and time again - that is so disrespectful to him as a human being in my opinion , It's not his fault you don't love him just like it's not yours,
I dont know how he treats you , but you must ask yourself did he deserve to be cheated on ?

As for the kids , I'm sure they'd rather see their mum happy and their dad happy , both their parents genuinely happy even if it does take time .
They love you and they love him

I don't think Loriel is selfish because in order to be selfish you have to look out for yourself , if she was selfish she'd have ran off with someone and not given a stuff about the kids or anyone else

That being said I don't condone what she did either

Ambersky

Sometimes there can be two people aware of whats going on and involved in this kind of marriage.
We simply dont know if the husband made as much a choice in entering into this as the OP.
Maybe he knew about the woman she was in love with before the marriage.
If he didnt notice his fiance having an affair two weeks before they wed he wasnt very attentive.
Perhaps he even applied pressure not to cancel the wedding.
We dont know the circumstances.
I wondered about the line in the OPs first post

My husband is often gone and lends way for opportunities now but I am tired of hiding it.

Does this mean he doesnt mind when he is away but would rather she didnt create a scandal that he believes he would suffer from too?
Or does it mean the OP has been cheating on her husband while he was away?
Also remember that many men find it demoralising to be left for another woman.
The first post just doesnt tell us enough to decide on this matter.

Platinum2010

Ambersky wrote: »

many men find it demoralising to be left for another woman.

Well I'm sure if he was set free and had a shot at love with a woman who genuinely loved him he'd soon forget about how the OP demoralised him

Ambersky

Agreed.
They would all probably be much happier.
But they probably cant see that now.

SugarHigh

I'm sorry ambersky but nothing the OP has done is defensible. It wasn't as hard to come out in the 90's as you are making out and even if it was difficult that still doesn't justifying marrying someone who you know you don't want to be with. Why cause hurt to someone else just because you can't face coming out of the closet? There also isn't any justification for cheating on him, why does she get to enjoy a sex life but he can't?

This is an awful situation but I don't see how the OP is the victim when she has caused it. The husband and children are the victims here.

Platinum2010

SugarHigh wrote: »

This is an awful situation but I don't see how the OP is the victim when she has caused it. The husband and children are the victims here.

A) The children aren't Victims they have parents who love them and care for them ,that's all that matters where the kids are concerned

Society put pressure on women as well as the government remember not that long ago It was Illegal to engage in homosexual activity . So Cheating on him was her fault and I don't condone that , the rest ...... society In my opinion

C) The husband doesn't deserve this

Annasopra

SugarHigh wrote: »

I'm sorry ambersky but nothing the OP has done is defensible. It wasn't as hard to come out in the 90's as you are making out and even if it was difficult that still doesn't justifying marrying someone who you know you don't want to be with. Why cause hurt to someone else just because you can't face coming out of the closet? There also isn't any justification for cheating on him, why does she get to enjoy a sex life but he can't?

This is an awful situation but I don't see how the OP is the victim when she has caused it. The husband and children are the victims here.

The OP is looking for some advice - not judgement

tallaghtmick

loreil wrote: »

New here and to this sort of thing. Am visiting a friend that thinks I should talk about this with others that are similar. Married a very long time and I am in my late fiftys. I have known I am gay for years. Two weeks before I married in 1991, I was with a woman sexually. She was a team mate that I believe I loved. Since that time I have enjoyed several women. As I get older I may want to come out so I may find a proper mate to share life with. My husband is often gone and lends way for opportunities now but I am tired of hiding it. Here I am years later with 3 still at home and a life I don't enjoy. I no longer have sex with my husband for years now. To divorce would cause harm to the entire family. My family has a good deal to do with our finances and I don't know how their reaction would effect us financially. Any of you have suggestions or advice for me? I am Catholic and many people know me. I have a reputation to protect as I am also an educator. Who else is married and closeted?

Many Thanks

First of all stop thinking like that,i have a few gay friends and actually have more respect for them for being out and not hiding it:)

SugarHigh

Platinum2010 wrote: »

A) The children aren't Victims they have parents who love them and care for them ,that's all that matters where the kids are concerned

It's better to have seperated parents than parents who don't want to be with each other. Staying with each other for the sake of the kids is never the right choice. I think the OP needs to leave her husband.

Society put pressure on women as well as the government remember not that long ago It was Illegal to engage in homosexual activity . So Cheating on him was her fault and I don't condone that , the rest ...... society In my opinion

Society in the 90's did no such thing. There were plenty out of the closet Lesbians and even if she wanted to remain in the closet, she could have stayed single.

C) The husband doesn't deserve this

+1

Johnnymcg wrote: »

The OP is looking for some advice - not judgement

Fair enough.
She needs to leave her husband, it's that simple because she is depriving him a chance of happiness for the sake of her reputation. Staying together is of no benefit to her anyway because it's not making her happy either.

It's a messy situation but I don't see the benefit of dragging it out. I really don't think the kids are better off now than if she separated. The OP needs to let go of this idea of keeping her reputation, what's the point in being unhappy with a good reputation?

Platinum2010

This whole reputation thing really strikes me if she worried about her rep that much she'd know sleeping with anyone else whether male or female does not help her reputation at all , I agree he doesn't deserve to be cheated on ,
Maybe its unrequited love on the husbands part . So long as they both love their kids I don't see how the kids are victims

dreamer_ire

Let's forget all talk of victims, and who has "wronged" who. This is a woman who now realises that she does not want the life she has, for whatever reason.

Op there are many people like you who have ended up in a relationship that is no longer a physical/sexual/loving one. The most important thing to do is to be true to yourself, and those that you love. This doesn't come without pain, unfortunately, but in the long run it's better for all involved.

You may find yourself wanting someone else but you deal to deal with the present before you can look to the future. You need to decide what you want, and then start working out a way to get that, being as honest with people as you can be, and hurting others as little as possible. The long and the short of it though is that it is your life, and you only get one chance at it. Sometimes it's not easy, but to get the most benefit from it you have to live it. If you don't you will always wonder what if???

apache

Ambersky wrote: »

In fairness to loreil there are an awful lot of women in her position particularly in her age group.
You wont find them out on the scene and Running Amach is a big group, but not that big.
They are married mostly, to men, thats where they are.

yes there is. i was only trying to steer the op in the direction to help her. but i have to agree with you she will find like minded people in running amach.
they are not married mostly to men - that is an untrue statement. but yes she will find people there going through the same thing.


i could not condone infidelity and never will. a lot of good points have been brought up here and the op did herself no favours talking about her extra marital affairs.

that is all - thank you

Kanoe

Lovely Dyke wrote: »

that is all - thank you

I will forgive you because my spidey senses tell me you were on the beer earlier. *slaps back.

I went to one event organised by running amach, purely because I was in need of meeting women my own age. and I have a grown up daughter, so we went to a family day out as I wanted her to be some way involved in this part of my life. It wasn't really my cup of tea either, I felt a bit out of place (I'm used to a much younger environment) but I can see how it could be helpful for others, especially women in your situation. You will find others there who are in similar circumstances and who have kids and who can talk about their experience and I think it's what you need right now.

Kanoe

actually, I think that one meeting with running amach did the world of good for me. While I've never been married or had any involvement with anyone as my daughter was growing up, I always felt the need to keep my social life away from her, which meant leading a double life I suppose. She was aware of my orientation and it's a difficult thing to consider when there are kids involved but I still kept them separate, which meant that I only got involved in fleeting/casual "relationships" with little prospects, where I would stay at their place when I could and never mention a word about it if asked. I just kept running.
Since she's been included I can finally enter into a relationship where someone can stay here, who she can meet and talk to, without having to do it all behind her back. It's good for me (I feel less empty) and it's good for her to know about it.

I don't know if any of this helps, but take what you want and leave the rest.

Platinum2010

Your a mum Kanoe ???

Kanoe

yup (she's almost the same age as you )

Platinum2010

Your pic looks like your only about 23 at max , how do you have a grown up daughter ? I'm confused

Kanoe

:pac: I'm 35 but I get told I look younger a lot.

Platinum2010

*facepalms* oh dear god I'm turning into a perv who droops over peoples mums .... Dear god

Kanoe

you just have good taste :P
(apologies for taking thread ot, feel free to splice and move)

Platinum2010

Kanoe wrote: »

you just have good taste :P
)

I'll never be able to look your daughter in the eyes .

Kanoe

(I'm officially taken too!)

Platinum2010

Kanoe wrote: »

(I'm officially taken too!)

That makes it worse I'm now drooling Over someone's gf as well as someone who I think I knows parent .... Dear god I need help lol
Anyhow congrats

stephen_n

SugarHigh wrote: »

I'm sorry ambersky but nothing the OP has done is defensible. It wasn't as hard to come out in the 90's as you are making out and even if it was difficult that still doesn't justifying marrying someone who you know you don't want to be with. Why cause hurt to someone else just because you can't face coming out of the closet? There also isn't any justification for cheating on him, why does she get to enjoy a sex life but he can't?

This is an awful situation but I don't see how the OP is the victim when she has caused it. The husband and children are the victims here.

Why should the OP have to defend her actions? To you or anyone else for that matter! She made decisions based on her feelings, her experience and her ability to deal with the situation she was in but you feel you have the right to judge her and project your **** onto her life. Stop making moralistic judgements about other people until you have lived their lives!

OP I would encourage you to think about the people you seek to protect, including yourself and consider if staying in the closet will help or hinder this cause! You have made decisions that are going to create painful consequences no matter what path you choose but are they really any less painful than choosing to stay. What sort of understanding of relationships do you think you children will learn from growing up in a loveless marriage and no matter how well you think you have hidden this I guarantee your children know something is up even if they don't know the truth!

Seek help from a counselor and definitely help from peers in similar sittuations but just remember change is always possible no matter how hard the road looks when your standing at the bottom of the hill!

Ambersky

Ok I said

In fairness to loreil there are an awful lot of women in her position particularly in her age group. (Full stop end of sentence)
You wont find them out on the scene and Running Amach is a big group, but not that big. (Again Full Stop. they are not out on the scene OR in Running Amach)
They are married mostly, to men, thats where they are.
(Im saying population of Ireland 50% female 10% of adult females LGBT that makes a lot of older women not on scene, never on scene, not out, but LGBT.)

I understand the few sentences above could be misunderstood.

Lovely Dyke says
but i have to agree with you she will find like minded people in running amach.
they are not married mostly to men - that is an untrue statement.

Im not saying the women in Running Amach are mostly married to men.
Im saying there are a huge number of LBBT women who never came out and who are married to men.
We never see them out at events, the OP doesnt even register here she is so closeted for example, they stay well away.
Its just a fact that everyone doesnt come out and marriage for one reason or another is just a logical next step.
This happens with many men as well as women who are closeted, they build a life for themselves and its hard to move away from.

Also Im not putting the OP in positon of victim or wrong doer.
I am putting her actions in context and saying she would be better off getting to understand herself before involving someone else and learning to take responsibility for her actions

I am a member of Running Amach, have been since its beginning, know and respect the organiser

Running Amach has become the alternative scene particularly for those who would find themselves a bit old for the younger club scene.

Running Amach is fabulous.

apache

Kanoe wrote: »

I will forgive you because my spidey senses tell me you were on the beer earlier. *slaps back.

lol thanks kanoe. yeah i shouldn't have said that. that was terrible

Annasopra

Can everyone please concentrate on giving advice to the OP.

suicide_circus

Johnnymcg wrote: »

The OP is looking for some advice - not judgement

Indeed, and my advise would be to stop thinking about her reputation and start thinking about the person she has been cheating on and lying to for years. I know there are social pressures and stigma but this man deserves the truth after 20years. Give both of you a chance to find real love and intmacy

Platinum2010

suicide_circus wrote: »

Indeed, and my advise would be to stop thinking about her reputation and start thinking about the person she has been cheating on and lying to for years. I know there are social pressures and stigma but this man deserves the truth after 20years. Give both of you a chance to find real love and intmacy

I agree