Complicated Friendships and crud that makes me a terrible person.

LegacyUser

I am a victim of a complicated friendship. I'm not going to skip any of the details so..., this is probably the worst of me, and why not tell it to total strangers. I'm going to call myself me, and her E... so, why make things complicated.

I met a girl on the internet because I'm a loner in real life. Yep, the internet. She's a real person, and I've known her five years and we became close over a short amount of time, because I was there for her when a friendship died.

You see, we were friends with this girl who was also an online friend. D. She stopped being E's friend and they had a fallen out, I did the one thing no one should do and I interferred and tried to get us all to be friends again. This backfired, and I too lost friends with 'D'.

So, time went on and me and E got closer. We'd talk often, late into the night, early into the morning. It wasn't long until I made the mistake of falling for her. Our personalities never mixed, we were passionate about subjects, but passion lead to anger and we fight extremely often. So this for some reason excited me.

I told her of my feelings, and my crush on her, and she didn't mind. She was flattered, but nothing could happen between internet friends. So we left it at that. Or at least she left it like that. My subconcious was bitter and angry..., and for the next 2 years I turned into a douchebag. I'd hurt her to get attention. I was a real dick. When things would get boring I'd do the only thing I am good at. Being a dick.

Now, don't get me wrong. E provoked me a lot, and our personalites completly clashed, but we still remained friends from common interests. Something in her made it impossible to give up on me, which I respect to this day, despite the worst parts coming.

Somewhere along the line we became friends with D again. But..., me being the dick I was and am, I made them fight. I told D something personal, she got offended with E, and I destroyed their friendship for a second time, the worst part is I actually got what I wanted. I got E's attention and I got D's sympathy.

So, being the dick I was being and after being offended, humiliated and just let down...,it was over trivial things that I took too far. I got angry, and my anger problems tend to emotionally abuse, as proof of everything I've told you so far.

I said I'd kill myself. I know, major sin. Worst thing I ever did. Well, the worst thing comes next. I went offline for three days, making her think I had, just for a reaction, and would have gone longer if I hadn't felt a little bit of guilt.

This was too much for her, however. And she wouldn't speak to me again. I was angry for a long while, for about 4 months. I kept a grudge, and I allowed myself to be angry at her, claiming I was right. I was a fool. I take no pride in that part of me.

So after four months a personal thing happened in the family, and I realised just how awful a person I am. Big whoop. So I apologise, not expecting a friendship to be established again. It wasn't.

So a year passed, and I thought about her often. It was mainly a regret. Over this year I attempted to better myself. I became..., it's hard to explain. I had to believe that it all happened for a reason, and if I wanted any redemption or her to even take notice of me again I'd have to change, and I have. At least I think and hope I have.

Eventually we spoke. She decided to give me another chance despite what I done. We speak often now, probably every day, but I'm scared. There's a constant fear in me that maybe the demons that made her hate me before will come back.

Mainly because when i get awkward I tend to ask and say stupid things. I asked if she lost her virginity. I know, stupid, I'm obviously not over her. I do love her dearly and try to love her unconditionally. I told her about this (Not the love thing), three weeks after we've spoken... and she weirded out. She said "Maybe we shouldn't be friends if you feel this way." To which I assured her that i want nothing but her friendship.

I want nothing but her friendship, maybe I've tried to hard, because I get the feeling she was wierded out. Any hope of me ever... being with her has been ruined because of the hurt I caused. I know she forgives me, but I also know she can never trust me again, and I think my past actions have crippled a friendship. I just want things to go back before I fell for her. This friendship isn't something I take lightly anymore.

What do I do? How do I handle this? I don't want to fall into the same mistake as before. I don't want to pressure her. I don't want to... well, push her away. Do I wait for this awkward patch to end, do I stop talking to her until she;s comfortable. Or do I dump my internet friends and take up a life of drinking, drugs and gambiling.

Every option I have feels like I'm playing a mind game with her. It's crazy.

ongarboy

Anonymous1234 wrote: »

Or do I dump my internet friends and take up a life of drinking, drugs and gambiling.

I didn't quite read all of your post but one thing that stands out. You are basing your whole life/feelings/thoughts/upsets around something that is virtual...completely not real! Maybe I'm a little behind the times but this not normal. Social interaction is a basic human instinct (and I mean real interaction, not virtual). You are choosing to avoid this entirely and I believe this is the cause of much of your problems

You need to get out and meet real people. Saying you're a loner doesn't cut it. Join a sports/hobbies club or voluntary organisation so that you will be forced to have intereaction with people. Who knows, you may actually click with a real person. Sure, you will meet tossers along the way but there are also good and genuine people out there. Why would you think leaving your virtual world will automatically translate into a life of drinking, drugs and gambling? You have the power to decide if things do go that way. You also have the power to decide that it doesn't. Choose the right path and turn off the internet for a while!

Firetrap

I agree with Ongarboy. Online friendships are great for what they are but they are no replacement for real life. You really need to get out more, not just for the sake of your sanity but to develop your social skills and to gain some perspective on life. You are hiding away behind a computer screen and getting way too wrapped up in these people for your own good. I too am intrigued by your comment about drinking, drugs and gambling. Did you have problems with these before? Are you exchanging one addiction for another?

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

I agree with Ongarboy. Online friendships are great for what they are but they are no replacement for real life. You really need to get out more, not just for the sake of your sanity but to develop your social skills and to gain some perspective on life. You are hiding away behind a computer screen and getting way too wrapped up in these people for your own good. I too am intrigued by your comment about drinking, drugs and gambling. Did you have problems with these before? Are you exchanging one addiction for another?

It was a joke, I have no history of drinkining or using drugs. I don't do these things, but my peer group do. I do get along with real life people, I just don't fit in, because I don't go out for drinks constantly and such. I fully realize that I am probably too involved, but I do consider my online friends to be closer to me than anyone I met in real life. There's something more personal about online for me, I can express my thought and I don't have to feel awkward about expressing myself. She may not, or they may not be in close proximity, but they are people I can count on, and that makes them friends in my book.

For a while I was depressed, and did feel my sanity slipped away, but since then I've had a job, gone to a course, met a lot of people. I stay in contact with those people through the internet. I'm just not an outside person. I'm not a nightscene person either. I don't mind being a loner.