He wont stop bugging my fiance

LegacyUser

Long story short I was friends with Ann (24) for 10 years, we were pretty close friends, until I found out last december she had been slagging me off behind my back, spreading rumours etc so I cut her out of my life. Her fiance James ( 27) and my fiance Darren ( 29 ) were friends and still are , I have no problem with that, he did nothing to me and Darren shouldn’t suffer because of what Ann did.

However the last month James has been WREAKING Darrens head over this row with me and Ann. I have made it very clear on more than one occasion that I have NO interest in sorting things out with her, she betrayed me after 10 years of friendship and that’s not the kind of person I want in my life.

James keeps texting Darren saying they have to hatch a plan to get me and Ann friends again, to which my fiance has said he wants no part of to him, but he wont listen. He bumped into him in the pub the weekend gone and he kept banging on about how upset Ann was over the row, and how she keeps crying to him about it bla bla bla! Then he had the CHEEK to ring me and leave a voice message asking me to sort things with her.

Darren and I are together 7 years and we are getting married in December and I think this is whats started James bugging him. He mentioned the other night that Ann was “sickned” that she wouldn’t see her friend get married” Darren has told him about 6 times this month alone that he is not helping him get us friends again because he knows I have no interest in it, But James wont stop bugging him

Can anyone give me some advice please!

Aishae

hi op - sounds like your fella will just have to keep doing what he's doing. ignore the pleas and say 'no im not getting involved' like he already is.
perhaps ann's fella doesnt know the whole story. if he did he might be more understanding that this isnt just a silly girly spat.

its gotta be really grating for your fella - but if the other lad is still his friend, i cant really see any other way to handle it...

lets say he doesnt know the whole story - if he only has her side of it then it'l probably be biased. however id be reluctant to tell him your side of it (to get him off your back). because its your arguement not his (although he seems keen to get himself involved!), it might do their relationship no favours and he might take it to mean you were willing to talk things out.

Ickle Magoo

I would hope those names are false and you aren't making yourself recognisable, OP...if you need the post edited please let me know.

LegacyUser

I have in the past cut one or two people from my life for reasons similar to yours. I don't regret it for one minute, who needs it. Life is hard enough without wondering if someone is really on your side.

With regard to your problem the only solution if you really want to nip it in the bud is contact the girl directly. Tell her that her behaviour really upset you & that it was a bridge to far. Ask her to stop having her boyfriend try & hatch a plan with your fiance as it is putting them in an awkward situtation, that it is unfair & you're not willing to try & resume the friendship.

It will be in your best interest to always be able to pass yourself with her, hello's & goodbyes when you meet. I know this can sound old school narrow minded but you need to be able to look her in the eye. I presume if the two guys are friends that she & her boyfried will be attending your wedding assuming you're have a do.

Basically just do your bidding yourself & good luck.

Neyite

Op, I would suggest that you yourself put an end to it. Ring up your ex friend, and be civil but clear. Explain that you have no interest in being her friend anymore as a result of her behaviour and to stop pestering her partner to play mediator. Or tell him directly yourself, or say it to both of them.

I dont have sympathy for adults who do rotten things to others then assume that it does not affect the trust in a friendship.

I am a friend

Is she going to be at your wedding?

ppink

Make an arrangment ot meet Ann & James together and go and tell them both how you feel and ask them to leave Darren out of it.

shinikins

Maybe its just me, but I would be tempted to tell James " I'll gladly speak to Ann-when she apologises to me for spreading lies and rumours" and leave it at that. I doubt very much that he knows what has been going on, the chances are she has given him a highly edited version of events so she doesn't look bad-so him calling you and trying to get your fiance to smooth things over was his way of trying to help.

King of Kings

would she not be at your wedding anyway as your fiancees + 1?

King of Kings

would she not be at your wedding anyway as her fiancees + 1?

LegacyUser

Aishae wrote: »

lets say he doesnt know the whole story - if he only has her side of it then it'l probably be biased. .

He does know the whole story, he was there when i confronted her about it so he knows everything, thats why im so angry because James knows what happened and hes still tryn to sort things with us.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I would hope those names are false and you aren't making yourself recognisable, OP...if you need the post edited please let me know.

yes the names are false:) thanks

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Is she going to be at your wedding?

no way

LegacyUser

shinikins wrote: »

Maybe its just me, but I would be tempted to tell James " I'll gladly speak to Ann-when she apologises to me for spreading lies and rumours" and leave it at that. .

Thats the thing though, i wont speak to her if she did apoligise, She is a nasty piece of work and i dont want anything to do with her.

I doubt very much that he knows what has been going on, the chances are she has given him a highly edited version of events so she doesn't look bad-so him calling you and trying to get your fiance to smooth things over was his way of trying to help.[/QUOTE]

He does know whats happened, he was there when i confronted her, and he spent the first couple of months defending her, its only now hes started trying to sort it out!

LegacyUser

King of Kings wrote: »

would she not be at your wedding anyway as her fiancees + 1?

Nope, James knows if he is coming he is coming alone and He has been told this.

Moomoo1

It would probably be easier for everyone if you stopped ignoring your friend... was what she said and did really that bad?

I can totally understand the way the guy is acting: it is normal to want to resolve difficult situations...

shinikins

buggingme wrote: »

Thats the thing though, i wont speak to her if she did apoligise, She is a nasty piece of work and i dont want anything to do with her.


He does know whats happened, he was there when i confronted her, and he spent the first couple of months defending her, its only now hes started trying to sort it out!

I hadn't realised he knew the entire story. That puts it in a different light altogether. You need to tell him to stop, both you and your fiance together, and perhaps tell him if he can't respect your decision on this that he can consider himself uninvited(of course your fiance needs to agree with you before you say it to James)

In respects to my first point, I didn't mean you should become friends with her again, take it in its most literal sense-if she apologises to you, you tell her "thanks Ann, but its too little, too late" That way you've spoken to her, and James doesn't have a leg to stand on the next time he starts annoying you.

King of Kings

no wonder james is bugging your fiance if he can't bring her at his plus 1.

I'd say he is getting it at home and is probably under pressure not to go to your wedding.
Don't be surprised if he doesn't show to your wedding and he is being forced to choose between Ann and you two.

How will your fiance see things if James doesn't go and dissappears from your lives?
I reckon that is what'll happening unless him and Ann break up. He probably doesn't want to lose you two as friends but knows that unless you make up with Ann that's what gonna happen.

Aishae

hi OP - it sounds like a bit of a rock and hard place for the 2 fiancés. im all for trying to get past things and at least be able to be around other people. but in the last couple of years 2 people have done so much that its just TOO much and there is no way it'd be possible to be friends at all, so i do understand that this happens. sometimes people really do go too far.

is it possible to be friends with them but just civil with ann - not buddy buddies? (for keeping the peace for everyone)

if thats not likely then as the last poster said, things will fizzle out for everyone. if it were me i wouldnt be friends with someone for the other halfs sake but i would try to keep the peace and be civil to her - let her attend nights out or that. id guess she'd get pretty fed up with being ignored and not having a really friendly friendship anyway.
as it is the OH in the middle i'd have to try. maybe everyone including the OH will get sick of the atmosphere but at least he wouldnt keep getting it in the head from the other fiancé and the same for anns fella.

Moomoo1

King of Kings wrote: »

Don't be surprised if he doesn't show to your wedding and he is being forced to choose between Ann and you two.

if i were him, i certainly wouldn't show up.