Is it ok?

clumsypolly

I just wanted to get a few opinions from people about this. I was wondering if it's ok to shove your partner while in a heated argument, once being in their way and refusing to get out of the way but the second time not being in their way at all?

I said it's completely uncalled for, for either person to lay their hands on someone in anger at all so sex doesn't even come into it in my opinion but it's driving me crazy being told that I'm in the wrong about it pretty much that it was deserved for being in the persons way and for pushing them constantly into an argument they didn't want to have.

To me there's two wrong in the argument the person who pushed for the fight and the person who shoved the other twice out of anger but the person who shoved the other hasn't any intention of apologising where as the other person has. Am I wrong in thinking that shoving someone badly enough is something to apologise about?

ElleEm

clumsypolly wrote: »

I just wanted to get a few opinions from people about this. I was wondering if it's ok to shove your partner while in a heated argument, once being in their way and refusing to get out of the way but the second time not being in their way at all?

I said it's completely uncalled for, for either person to lay their hands on someone in anger at all so sex doesn't even come into it in my opinion but it's driving me crazy being told that I'm in the wrong about it pretty much that it was deserved for being in the persons way and for pushing them constantly into an argument they didn't want to have.

To me there's two wrong in the argument the person who pushed for the fight and the person who shoved the other twice out of anger but the person who shoved the other hasn't any intention of apologising where as the other person has. Am I wrong in thinking that shoving someone badly enough is something to apologise about?

I would strongly agree with the part I put in bold. I don't think it's okay to put your hands on anyone but other people may feel that it is okay to push or shove or "move" someone during an arguement. Many people think that physical abuse is only physical abuse when the other party is hurt, but I don't think this is the case. Has this person ever been physical before?

clumsypolly

Yes they have shoved or pushed once before it was to get the other person away or out of the way in yet another very heated argument, I just can't understand if the other person apologised for their behaviour then shouldn't the other person put it right by apologising for that action it wasn't so much a physical abuse situation it was out of sheer frustration but the fact they don't think it's something to apologise for kind of baffles me to be honest. I just think it's the decent thing to do as yes putting your hands on anyone in anger is just a no no in my book!

Corkblowin

Putting your hands on someone in an argument is a no-no. However so is standing in someones way or blocking their path. It may be non-contact but it is aggressive and confrontational.

The contact doesn't seem to be your main issue though - its more the lack of an apology that irks you. Why is this the case? I went out with a girl once who would not apologise for anything unless I did first - it was like a power thing and she didn't want to seen as weak. Is this more like whats going on?

clumsypolly

Ya I understand that blocking someones path isn't right either but as I said the second time it wasn't for blocking a path in anyway at all the person turned around to push them the second time, no I am very bothered about the shoving thing I think it's just not right to do at all I am even more so that the other person won't apologise for that when the person who was shoved has already apologised for their behaviour it's not anything about power it's about putting things right by apologising for wrongs?

ElleEm

The person who shoved you clearly doesn't think they're on the wrong though, so you will need to discuss this further. Regardless of whether they think it is okay to shove someone, they should not do it if you have a problem with it. You should make your point clear to this person that you do not like it when someone places their hands on you in an argument, so they should refrain from doing so. If they don't listen to you, and they do it again, well then you need to consider does this person actually respect you and your feelings.

greenprincess

No I dont think its ok to push someone. But it sounds like ye have a lot of under lying things going on here

Daisy M

ElleEm wrote: »

The person who shoved you clearly doesn't think they're on the wrong though, so you will need to discuss this further. Regardless of whether they think it is okay to shove someone, they should not do it if you have a problem with it. You should make your point clear to this person that you do not like it when someone places their hands on you in an argument, so they should refrain from doing so. If they don't listen to you, and they do it again, well then you need to consider does this person actually respect you and your feelings.

Agree totally and vice versa, pushing someone into an argument they were trying to avoid is bullying and totally lacking in respect. Neither party is in the right, it all sounds fairly messed up.

S23

I'm sorry I'm not following this too well. All this talk of 'this person did this' 'that person did that' 'I said this' is a little hard to follow.

From what I can understand Person A provoked an argument with Person B.

clumsypolly wrote: »

told that I'm in the wrong about it pretty much that it was deserved for being in the persons way and for pushing them constantly into an argument they didn't want to have.

Person A constantly provoked Person B into an argument Person B wanted nothing to do with. Person A then proceeded to bar the path of Person B who presumably was trying to walk away from the argument.

It all ends with Person B pushing Person A once when their path was blocked and then another time when it was not.

I think that's it?

Like it or not who these two people are makes a huge difference. If its a husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend etc... that changes the parameters from if it was two mutual acquaintances or two work colleagues. What the fight that was provoked by one part was about also comes into it.

I agree with posters that being physical isn't on but circumstances really do vary. If someone provoked me into an argument then got physically confrontational by barring my way when I tried to leave they may be liable to have me physically remove them from my path. That's the truth. I wouldn't stand in front of someone who badgered and provoked me into an argument and then let them stand in my way and continue to berate me as I try to leave. And they certainly wouldn't be in line for an apology afterwards.

So in general terms no it's not right to put your hands on someone. It's also not right to provoke an argument. Two wrongs don't make a right either. There is scope for understanding it though. It all depends on circumstance

I am a friend

I would not even stand for a Partner telling me to sod off, p off etc etc and especially would not let them push me around. You were wrong by they were more wrong. You need to learn to control yourselves

clumsypolly

Yes the person a and b would be right, it's a boyfriend and girlfriend, yes I understand why the girlfriend was shoved the first time to get that her out of the way but then the second time the girlfriend was not standing in the boyfriends path in anyway, the way the girlfriend kicked off wasn't right but in saying that two hours later after leaving as she was told to do she apologised, the boyfriend was after the first shove involved in the argument starting to say nasty things, yes the first shove was to move away but the second wasn't for that case at all, that's the part I think is uncalled for, the girlfriend started the argument out of being frustrated that the boyfriend was getting odd over her not being in any mood but kept persisting that she was and wouldn't let it go even into that next day when she tried to make a fresh start of that day she was just ignored for no reason what so ever I know it's a silly reason to get frustrated but that's what lead to an agreement being plain ignored that she has apologised that she got mad out of sheer frustration os being ignored for no reason! It was more the second push than anything but thank you for your opinion it is greatly appreciated because I don't really know what to say about the whole situation!

ElleEm

It sounds like it's more about the fight that the pushing and shoving to be honest. You seem to really be empathising with the girlfriend in this situation, and feel like the boyfriend isn't hearing her when she's apologising. He is obviously still annoyed with her over the fight. She should wait til the dust has settled and then discuss her issues with him.

clumsypolly

The girlfriend has conveyed that's she doesn't expect him to apologise for anything else but pushing her she doesn't think he has anything else to apologise for except the pushing her the second time she has said it made her feel frightened after that so she f***ed off like she was told to. Thanks I just haven't a clue what to say about it all I just feel strongly that no one should put their hands on anyone in anger I understand that blocking a persons path isn't ok so both were in the wrong but the second one is what makes me feel wary about it?

S23

This is all very jumbled to be honest. You're not really conveying the story too well. I don't know why you couldn't just spit it all out in a coherent manner in the first place. He said this, she did that, blah, blah, blah. It's all been so disjointed

You came out with a convoluted stuff after you first post about she started the fight but only because ..... etc... and then she was frustrated but ..... etc... You keep adding bits of information the more you post. You need to give one clear and concise post that outlines what happend and who was involved if you want good solid advice from people on here. People will help you out but it's hard to do when you keep adding bits to the story as you go along.

Honestly what's it got to do with you? If its you involved then spit it out and tell us what happend. If it's not you involved then mind your own business would be my advice. I have no idea why you'd be sticking your nose in at all. Let the two people involved sort it out

clumsypolly

You have said circumstances vary so I gave you a bit of a back story about it including you wanting to know what kind of relationship these people were in, if I am involved what does that matter to the question itself, I just answered to a few things you thought should pretty much be kind of clarified! I obviously want the opinion I wouldn't come on here asking for advice if I didn't need it, it really shouldn't make a difference saying me and my boyfriend or a girlfriend and a boyfriend when asking for advice?

S23

Sorry OP in my opinion it makes a huge difference whether its you and your boyfriend or two other people.

If its you and your boyfriend you have issues to address.

If its two other people it's none of your business and you should stay out of it.

clumsypolly

Thanks for the advice