signs not good, history repeating itself?

Partizan

Hi,

Just need a bit of advice here. About 6 months ago, just before Xmas, my g/f broke up with me in which I took it badly. She was from abroad and it was a LDR but I had planned to be with her for Xmas and the New Year. About 2 weeks before I was to come to see her after telling her the previous couple of weeks, I got the silent treatment from her, didn't answer her phonecalls, emails, skype requests before she told me through her cousin that it was over. Then in February I met another woman, we met a few times, went out for dinner and then I started getting the same treatment before she broke it off with me before St Pats day. I wasnt needy or clingy or anything just took it easy.

Fast Forward to end of April and I decided to try the online dating thingy. I made contact with a nice girl and for the next 3-4 weeks we chatted online. I asked her could we meet up and she said of course. She suggested the June Bank Holiday weekend but i told her I could not as I was going home to my parents for the weekend. She said fine. Anyway early last week she sent me a text message to say that she got some tickets for a concert and she would like me to go. I thought great idea so on Saturday we went and had a great time. After the concert we had a couple of drinks and at the end of the night, I walked here to the taxi rank and kissed her good night. I asked her if she wanted to meet me again and she said yes so I told her I woudl call her some time next week. Yesterday I sent her a text saying thanks for the night, I had a great time, blah, blah and I was wondering if she had any plans for the week. No answer so yesterday eveing i called and no answer. This morning at 11am I sent her a text message saying that I would be going home this weekend and if she was busy this week, we could meet next week and left it at that.

Forgive me but going on 3 previous experiences I'm just a little paranoid that history is repeating itself. I'm not overbearing or clingy in case anyone gets started. I'm a laid back guy but the last thing I need is for this crap to happen and my confidence take another knocking. I have had rotten luck in the past with relationships not working out. Alot of my mates have either emigrated, moved back home or are in relationships/married and I'm beginning to feel I'm being left behind.

Sinfonia

Regarding the clingy thing, some would think that 2 texts and a phonecall in the space of 24 hours is a bit clingy for a budding 'relationship'. Personally I don't tbh but it's possible that she may have.

One route you could take to try and solve this (and I'm sure other people will have other suggestions too) is that you could get in touch with an ex, maybe an email or something (because they could just not answer the phone, but they'll probably read an email if they get one), and basically tell them what you've told us (with a bit of editing) and literally ask them for their advice and why they broke up with you.
Honestly I'm not trying to knock your confidence here but I think it would be better to find out what you're doing wrong if you are doing anything wrong, and you need to ask someone who can properly tell you. Your friends and family probably won't. And if the problem is not you, then that'd be good to find out too, then you can be comfortable and accept that this was all coincidental.

Partizan

Sinfonia wrote: »

Regarding the clingy thing, some would think that 2 texts and a phonecall in the space of 24 hours is a bit clingy for a budding 'relationship'. Personally I don't tbh but it's possible that she may have.

One route you could take to try and solve this (and I'm sure other people will have other suggestions too) is that you could get in touch with an ex, maybe an email or something (because they could just not answer the phone, but they'll probably read an email if they get one), and basically tell them what you've told us (with a bit of editing) and literally ask them for their advice and why they broke up with you.
Honestly I'm not trying to knock your confidence here but I think it would be better to find out what you're doing wrong if you are doing anything wrong, and you need to ask someone who can properly tell you. Your friends and family probably won't. And if the problem is not you, then that'd be good to find out too, then you can be comfortable and accept that this was all coincidental.

I dont think writing this to any of my exes would give me any insight. I dont contact any of them and only 2 of them I chat to on facebook on irregular basis. The others I have lost contact with or have blocked me completely from their lives. Anyway, i dont feel that I am doing anything wrong at all. I feel I'm behaving normally. We met Saturday and I did not contact her until the Tuesday with a text in the morning and a call in the evening. Either way, its not been clingy. Before, I mean last week she used to always reply to my text messages (even initiate) and answer my calls and we would have a good laugh on the phone.

I'm a decent guy, good mannered, friendly, sociable and well liked but I dont deserve this. All my friends and siblings are in relationships but it never seems to happen for me. I don't know why.

Chucky the tree

Don't know why you rang her when you had already texted her, and the text the following day I think is very clingy.

Partizan

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Don't know why you rang her when you had already texted her, and the text the following day I think is very clingy.

I dont think so. Anyway the ball is in her court. I will call her again next week and after that will leave it.

prickleberry

Well that really isn't a nice thing to do on her part to be honest but maybe she's just not that into you. She may have had a great time but didn't 'feel it', it's not very nice to think about but in my opinion i think that's what's going on here. Could it not just be coincidence that the other relationships didn't work out like this one.....

squonk

Hi OP. I reckon you were just unlucky. The same has happened to me on occasions. It depends on what you want but I am happy enough to be told to my face or even by text, 'sorry, <insert vague compliment>, but let's call it a day', for want of better words. There are a lot of great ladies out there who will act with respect but there are an equal amount who, frankly, are childish and think that sneaking off and not answering their phone is an adult way to handle things. Your ex who broke up with you via her cousin sounds like a right piece of work.

I think I'm a pretty open, honest and decent person and I'd rather tell somebody straight out where thigns were at than play a game. I'd like the same in return. As i always say when I come across an experience like yours, 'That's a lucky escape' because, frankly OP, if they're up for dating and getting to the stage of meeting up or even having a casual relationship but aren't adult enough to handle an end to it properly, then I'd have dumped them in the longer run anyway because it's not a good sign.

I would make an exception for chatting on dating sites though. If chatting with a member gets boring, so be it. Nothing more to explain and move on!

Partizan

Thanks for the advice guys. It was good while it lasted.

Ah well

bobbytables

God this all sounds so complicated. What tires me about some relationship problems is that too many people who genuinely would rather be in a relationship would let it die simply because it's not showing signs of conformance with some fashionable dating trend.

I'm 31, in a long term relationship and I love my OH very much. Something I've noticed over the years is that the people who care more about the law of numbers in terms of benchmarking the early days of a relationship, find it harder to stay in relationships. Stop counting stuff and benchmarking against averages. That's one sure fire way to kill the flame if you're putting so much pressure on it's success from the start. If the people in a new relationship wanted to talk to each other on the phone all day, or be around each other, or see each other one day a week, it's all good as long as it suits both. However, too many people restrict their flexibility on that one for reasons they really shouldn't care about.

"I really like the other person. We get on great. We have common interests. I feel like I can have the craic with them. Oh wait Jesus!!!, hold on!, they texted me twice and called me once in 24 hours!!!. Hmmm, I better input these statistics in to my iPhone app and see if I qualify as an eejit. :rolleyes: Oh crap, it's supposed to be 1 call and no texts!! and here they are texting me again. Well thanks to my app, I can see that this behaviour has been classified as "clingy" according to the most up to date data available. Ha!, I'll just sit back here & wait on my own to see if they fall inline with the conventional patterns amongst my friend's relationships. God apart from that they appeared perfect. Oh well "

OP I'm not saying you are guilty of this, but I wouldn't be surprised if some of the people you've encountered buy in to this sort of mentality. Don't worry, not everyone does. I've even noticed some of my own mates have better luck as they've gotten older. It seems to be less of an issue for people once they get over the hump of their mid 20s.

Partizan

bobbytables wrote: »

God this all sounds so complicated. What tires me about some relationship problems is that too many people who genuinely would rather be in a relationship would let it die simply because it's not showing signs of conformance with some fashionable dating trend.

I'm 31, in a long term relationship and I love my OH very much. Something I've noticed over the years is that the people who care more about the law of numbers in terms of benchmarking the early days of a relationship, find it harder to stay in relationships. Stop counting stuff and benchmarking against averages. That's one sure fire way to kill the flame if you're putting so much pressure on it's success from the start. If the people in a new relationship wanted to talk to each other on the phone all day, or be around each other, or see each other one day a week, it's all good as long as it suits both. However, too many people restrict their flexibility on that one for reasons they really shouldn't care about.

"I really like the other person. We get on great. We have common interests. I feel like I can have the craic with them. Oh wait Jesus!!!, hold on!, they texted me twice and called me once in 24 hours!!!. Hmmm, I better input these statistics in to my iPhone app and see if I qualify as an eejit. :rolleyes: Oh crap, it's supposed to be 1 call and no texts!! and here they are texting me again. Well thanks to my app, I can see that this behaviour has been classified as "clingy" according to the most up to date data available. Ha!, I'll just sit back here & wait on my own to see if they fall inline with the conventional patterns amongst my friend's relationships. God apart from that they appeared perfect. Oh well "

OP I'm not saying you are guilty of this, but I wouldn't be surprised if some of the people you've encountered buy in to this sort of mentality. Don't worry, not everyone does. I've even noticed some of my own mates have better luck as they've gotten older. It seems to be less of an issue for people once they get over the hump of their mid 20s.

Unreal isn't it to put up with this kind of immaturity and then they wonder why at 35, they have to ring into FM 104 late night talk show and complain that all the eligible men have been snapped up and the ones out there are gay/unattractive/have kids/sleazebags/not Brad Pitt/insert any excuse.

Seriously, some women need to grow up and relaise that dating in real life isn't based on what's in a gossip/celeb magazine or Friends.

bobbytables

Partizan wrote: »

Seriously, some women need to grow up and relaise that dating in real life isn't based on what's in a gossip/celeb magazine or Friends.

Plenty of men are worse. I knew a few lads that played that game. Although none of their relationships got past first gear until they finally realized they had to take a more confident/mature approach based on mutual respect and if it's worth it, take the feckin risk. I have no disrespect for anyone who genuinely gives a relationship a go and it just doesn't work out for good reason.

I went away and thought about my earlier post, and just to be clear... There would be a difference in a scenario where a person requested some personal space and the other person blatantly ignored their request. In my last post I'm referring to cases where that has not yet been established and one person is left wondering why everything has gone silent all of a sudden. If it's a case (and this does happen) that the person requesting space is doing so to assess their relationship options elsewhere, then they should have the decency to end it before they do.

Finding out through someone's cousin that your relationship is over, is a clear sign of a person that just isn't ready to deal with a relationship responsibly. Whether or not you were the right person for them is irrelevant, they should have dealt with it themselves. At least you got to see what sort of person they were without wasting too much time.

Moomoo1

Just hang in there - it will get better .

I could never go out with a person who believed in 'rationing' contact in any way. Maybe for some people that is the way but not for me.