experience with counselling.....

LegacyUser

I am new to counselling, was recommended by a lecturer and I've had 3 sessions so far with another one scheduled for next week with who knows how many more to go. TBH I am finding it so hard. The counselor is really nice etc but it is just so painful and hurtful for me to talk about things with him. I often read how people have just started counseling and it was great etc, made them feel so much better after a session and they felt so comfortable etc, this is just not how I am finding it at all.

Day 1......extremely hard, gave him the general consensus of issues I had without going into detail, got quite teary which I was dreading happening. Overall it was just so difficult, I got home and just crashed out and kept to myself for a few days.

Day 2......much more positive vibe as there was little focus on past hurt and the focus was more on what I could do within the college system to help me, how I would feel if everything worked out etc but he did mention he would like to talk about other things in more detail so I knew that was coming up for the 3rd session and I was dreading that.

Day 3......I was really not looking forward to going in for it. He started by asking me what I would like to get from today's session. I really didn't know what to say, I'm not sure I know what to expect from counseling let alone one single session. I've had a lot to deal with in the past and even though those particular things are over now, it still holds me back and it hits me every so often especially if I'm stressed, it just crops up and makes whatever I'm doing impossible. I want that to stop happening but I don't know how I'd know it wouldn't happen again coz it is really getting in my way especially with studies etc. I didn't even get into much detail with things today as some sideline things cropped up which were hugely upsetting to talk about. Again I got very teary.

A lot of the time I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do in the session, I mean I get asked something....I answer it.....then he will just pause for ages and it gets a bit awkward as I don't know if I'm supposed to just keep talking forever. There was a bit too much of that today for my liking and near the end he said sometimes people are not ready to talk about things yet and it is best left for a while or sometimes it is best to push through and he was basically trying to ask me if I wanted to stop now or keep going. I was pretty confused, I didn't go to counselling in the first place to ignore everything yet it was like he was giving me the option to back out. I do want to carry on, I just don't know how it's supposed to go, I obviously want to sort things out but it is also impossible for me to hand everything up on a plate unless asked about it or pushed a bit. It just seems like he expects me to just sit there and talk away, that's just not me and it's very hard to do if I don't see how it could help or if I don't see some kind of goal. Was hoping for some input from people who've had experience with counselling. Thanks.

Lon Dubh

Hi, I think this is typical for the beginning. It is difficult opening up to a stranger, or anyone for that matter.

You could always tell him he might need to push you a little with questions at the beginning, and that you will tell him if it is getting too much. He probably doesn't want to over-push you, but a little prod now and again can be good, especially if you know you can pause if it is too much at any time.

If it is any consulation it normally gets a lot easier over time to talk, as you build a relationship with the counsellor. Hopefully the past hurts will hurt less over time.

It is surprising the difference it can make to talk to someone about problems, even if they are past things, or where there is no immediate solution to some problems (though often counselling helps in terms of adopting better coping strategies, or coming up with new ways of seeing things or new ways of doing things, or even seeing things about yourself that you may not have noticed before).

LegacyUser

I did expect it to be difficult but it just confused me that he seemed to think maybe I wasn't ready to talk about it and he threw up the option of quitting the sessions for now. I am sick of ignoring things, I wanted to attend counselling to address that. It's just sometimes he doesn't really help me out by asking me something and I feel like I should be saying something but I've no idea what as there is just so much and I don't know where to start. Maybe I had the wrong idea about counselling, maybe it's wrong to expect so much input from the counsellor?

strandroad

As far as I understand the counsellor's role is to allow you to express your feelings and experiences (and guide you in the process), then help you to analyse them to come to conclusions which might be helpful in steering your life and decisions. Yes they are there to listen but if they see that you have difficulty in opening up (which might be due to painful memories or because you're more of an introvert) they should help and assist you with questions/direction. If you feel like you have no further information to volunteer it's best to say so and ask for guidance, which they should provide.

But it might also be that he is not the best suited counsellor for you; it's normal to try sessions with several before you find a person you feel comfortable with. Again it's normal and a part of the process.

LegacyUser

re: mhge

It's not that I ever feel like I have no further info to offer, I just don't offer it unless I am directed to, I know I'm not helping myself and my counselor is probably frustrated that I'm not helping him out enough, it's just that there is one main issue yes but there are other issues as well surrounding that which have gone on over a number of years and it's just a bit complicated. I am a huge introvert, even if I really want to be truthful and tell people how I'm really feeling if they ask I will lie/avoid it, unknownst to myself nearly. Even today when I met him again and he asked hi how are you, how have you been since etc, immediately I answer fine, good etc when it is such a lie, I've had to deal with something with a housemate this week which upset me but I just couldnt say it.

I might also mention that this is a college counsellor and I'm not really in a position to be switching counsellors, I do like my counsellor after all, I'm just not seeing it go anywhere yet.

Lon Dubh

cyclibil_agga wrote: »

I did expect it to be difficult but it just confused me that he seemed to think maybe I wasn't ready to talk about it and he threw up the option of quitting the sessions for now. I am sick of ignoring things, I wanted to attend counselling to address that. It's just sometimes he doesn't really help me out by asking me something and I feel like I should be saying something but I've no idea what as there is just so much and I don't know where to start. Maybe I had the wrong idea about counselling, maybe it's wrong to expect so much input from the counsellor?

Oh, I didn't realise that. He may not be the counsellor for you so you may have to try another.

I am surprised he suggested quitting the sessions, I thought maybe he had been talking about taking it slowing during sessions. I agree with you, if there are things you want, and need, to talk about, then I think you should. You sound ready for counselling to me, so I think you should not give it up, but maybe find another counsellor?

CrazyRabbit

Day 1......extremely hard, gave him the general consensus of issues I had without going into detail, got quite teary which I was dreading happening. Overall it was just so difficult, I got home and just crashed out and kept to myself for a few days.

Perfectly normal. People have odd perceptions of what counselling is. It's just a safe place to talk, and a place get offered different perspectives. The therapist just kinda points you in the right direction...but ultimately, you find your own way.

Day 3......I was really not looking forward to going in for it. He started by asking me what I would like to get from today's session. I really didn't know what to say, I'm not sure I know what to expect from counseling let alone one single session.

I'd expect that question after a lot more than 3 sessions. The therapist seems to be rushing.

A lot of the time I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do in the session, I mean I get asked something....I answer it.....then he will just pause for ages and it gets a bit awkward as I don't know if I'm supposed to just keep talking forever. There was a bit too much of that today for my liking and near the end he said sometimes people are not ready to talk about things yet and it is best left for a while or sometimes it is best to push through and he was basically trying to ask me if I wanted to stop now or keep going.

The therapist should be spending at least the first 5 sessions building up trust & getting an overview of your life. Waaaay too early to early to be opening up. The pauses are however actually important. People tend to answer with the first thing that comes to mind. The pauses force you to re-examine your answers. That's really really important...that's the whole point.

It just seems like he expects me to just sit there and talk away, that's just not me and it's very hard to do if I don't see how it could help or if I don't see some kind of goal.

The funny thing about counselling is that you never understand how you are being helped until much latter when you look back and have the benefit of hindsight.
As fro talking...an awkward balance is needed. He/She can't talk too much, but they need to guide the conversation and encourage you to talk more. You should be doing about 80% of the talking, but the therapist needs to be gently guiding you...at least at first. It's hard to understand...but he/she is actually forcing you to really think hard about what you need to say.

As for getting teary...it just means you're human and that you are in the right place.

I'm not convinced this is the best therapist/counsellor for you..but you should certainly continue to get help.

I've been on both sides of the couch...so to speak. Spent 4 years in counselling, and it got me very interested in psychology & therapeutic methods. I've studied quite a bit & I've a pretty good understanding of how I was positively affected by the counselling.

LegacyUser

Thanks, that was a very good response CrazyRabbit.
I don't particularly feel that this counsellor is not for me, I like him, I'm glad to have access to a free service like this within the college.
At the moment I'm kinda anxious I'm going to be approached with that question again 'what would you like to get out of this session' this coming week. Should I have an answer prepared for that? Should I kinda be doing some work on it myself outside of the sessions? At the moment I am happy to forget about everything after a session until the next one, maybe I'm wrong there.

quickbeam

OP, your posts resonated a lot with me. I've tried counselling in the past too, and had the same thoughts you had: not sure what to be saying, feeling the uncomfortable silences. I found it all so confusing that I became more upset at the counselling procedure itself than what I was there meant to be talking about. I felt like a complete failure because I couldn't get anything out of the sessions.

After having the same frustrating experiences with numerous counsellors, I decided not to put myself through it all again, and to try to cope on my own. It's hard, but at least I don't have the added burden of being a crap counsellee.

I'm sorry this response to you isn't very optomistic, but if it's any consolation, I seem to be the exception when it comes to counselling as lots of people I've spoken to have found it useful so I would recommend you stick with it for several more sessions to see if it's right with you (you're at least lucky that you don't have to pay for them, I paid a lot of money just to feel really sh!t about myself). Hopefully you will find it helps in the long run. And don't worry about crying. Best of luck!

FRIENDO

cyclibil_agga wrote: »

I am new to counselling, was recommended by a lecturer and I've had 3 sessions so far with another one scheduled for next week with who knows how many more to go. TBH I am finding it so hard. The counselor is really nice etc but it is just so painful and hurtful for me to talk about things with him. I often read how people have just started counseling and it was great etc, made them feel so much better after a session and they felt so comfortable etc, this is just not how I am finding it at all.

Day 1......extremely hard, gave him the general consensus of issues I had without going into detail, got quite teary which I was dreading happening. Overall it was just so difficult, I got home and just crashed out and kept to myself for a few days.

Day 2......much more positive vibe as there was little focus on past hurt and the focus was more on what I could do within the college system to help me, how I would feel if everything worked out etc but he did mention he would like to talk about other things in more detail so I knew that was coming up for the 3rd session and I was dreading that.

Day 3......I was really not looking forward to going in for it. He started by asking me what I would like to get from today's session. I really didn't know what to say, I'm not sure I know what to expect from counseling let alone one single session. I've had a lot to deal with in the past and even though those particular things are over now, it still holds me back and it hits me every so often especially if I'm stressed, it just crops up and makes whatever I'm doing impossible. I want that to stop happening but I don't know how I'd know it wouldn't happen again coz it is really getting in my way especially with studies etc. I didn't even get into much detail with things today as some sideline things cropped up which were hugely upsetting to talk about. Again I got very teary.

A lot of the time I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do in the session, I mean I get asked something....I answer it.....then he will just pause for ages and it gets a bit awkward as I don't know if I'm supposed to just keep talking forever. There was a bit too much of that today for my liking and near the end he said sometimes people are not ready to talk about things yet and it is best left for a while or sometimes it is best to push through and he was basically trying to ask me if I wanted to stop now or keep going. I was pretty confused, I didn't go to counselling in the first place to ignore everything yet it was like he was giving me the option to back out. I do want to carry on, I just don't know how it's supposed to go, I obviously want to sort things out but it is also impossible for me to hand everything up on a plate unless asked about it or pushed a bit. It just seems like he expects me to just sit there and talk away, that's just not me and it's very hard to do if I don't see how it could help or if I don't see some kind of goal. Was hoping for some input from people who've had experience with counselling. Thanks.

I think you should print your letter and show it to your counsellor.
I would say the fact that you have tears shows great inner healing.
I would stay with the councelling
Good luck

sambuka41

cyclibil_agga wrote: »

At the moment I'm kinda anxious I'm going to be approached with that question again 'what would you like to get out of this session' this coming week. Should I have an answer prepared for that?

The answer you should have for that is the truth. Tell him what you have been saying here, if he asks what you hope to get out of it tell him you dont know.

One of the hard parts of therapy is leaving behind all those things that come with being in the social world, like you say, telling people your fine even when you aren't. Because thats how you've gotten by until now (I used do exactly the same!) But that's not working for you anymore, hence why you feel the need to go to counselling. So it's about leaving out that polite, nice response that you would use outside the room and being as honest as you can be.

When you settle into it you'll be surprised how the conversation will flow.

Lon Dubh

FRIENDO wrote: »

I think you should print your letter and show it to your counsellor.
I would say the fact that you have tears shows great inner healing.
I would stay with the councelling
Good luck

Yes, I think you should talk to the counsellor about how you are feeling as it will help him also.

CrazyRabbit

cyclibil_agga wrote: »

Thanks, that was a very good response CrazyRabbit.
I don't particularly feel that this counsellor is not for me, I like him, I'm glad to have access to a free service like this within the college.
At the moment I'm kinda anxious I'm going to be approached with that question again 'what would you like to get out of this session' this coming week. Should I have an answer prepared for that? Should I kinda be doing some work on it myself outside of the sessions? At the moment I am happy to forget about everything after a session until the next one, maybe I'm wrong there.

If you knew the answers to all the counsellor's questions, you wouldn't need to see him.:D "I don't know" is a perfectly fine answer. Just be honest.

Counselling sessions can be emotionally draining. You should do something to relax afterwards, but certainly put some thought into what was discusses. Counselling is all about reassessing what we think/how we approach situations or life itself.

Best advice I can give is just be honest, patient & stop worrying so much. Just let it happen. Being honest also means telling the counselling how you feel about the session & the 'what would you like to get out of this session' question.

Wompa1

This is by no means the case but what I found from counselling was that they are enablers. For me they didn't challenge me on any of my actions or views, They merely interjected with commentary to back up how I felt or reacted in the situations e.g. That must have been quite difficult for you, Its very natural to feel angry in that situation etc.

It kind of shook my belief in counselling. Also my g/f at the time had been doing counselling for years and it benefited her in ways to get on with things but it became quite clear that she did not see any wrong in anything she ever did, she wouldn't give sincere apologies ever etc. It seemed indicative to me that her counsellers were re-enforcing her initial feelings rather than challenging her

e.g. she cheated on her ex but it was ok because he wasn't very nice to her and she's only human and not perfect etc.

She would steal things from shops. But she was young, naive and bored. She's only human and not perfect.

She needs a kick up the ass that a counseller will not give her and will actually work against her best interests by telling her not to worry about things and she was somehow justified in doing them. I hope you get what you want out of counselling, I found the excerices and chance to talk as useful but I felt the practice was actually dangerous!

sambuka41

Wompa1 wrote: »

This is by no means the case but what I found from counselling was that they are enablers. For me they didn't challenge me on any of my actions or views, They merely interjected with commentary to back up how I felt or reacted in the situations e.g. That must have been quite difficult for you, Its very natural to feel angry in that situation etc.

She needs a kick up the ass that a counseller will not give her and will actually work against her best interests by telling her not to worry about things and she was somehow justified in doing them. I hope you get what you want out of counselling, I found the excerices and chance to talk as useful but I felt the practice was actually dangerous!

It would be far more dangerous if the counselor was putting his/her moral judgement onto people and telling them what to do. That is not the role of a counsellor, they are there to help people identify patterns of behaviour that are not working for them and facilitate change.

There is a big difference between identifying and understanding the reasons why someone behaves the way they do and justifying it. Moral judgment or permission doesn't come into it.

By the sounds of it what you think your ex girlfriend needed, was a parent, someone to teach her right and wrong. Your ex girlfriend was an adult (i presume) who is responsible for her own decisions, her counselor was not responsible for her actions. I would also say that you were not in the room with her and it is supposition on your part regarding what was discussed and what wasn't.

Wompa1

sambuka41 wrote: »

It would be far more dangerous if the counselor was putting his/her moral judgement onto people and telling them what to do. That is not the role of a counsellor, they are there to help people identify patterns of behaviour that are not working for them and facilitate change.

There is a big difference between identifying and understanding the reasons why someone behaves the way they do and justifying it. Moral judgment or permission doesn't come into it.

By the sounds of it what you think your ex girlfriend needed, was a parent, someone to teach her right and wrong. Your ex girlfriend was an adult (i presume) who is responsible for her own decisions, her counselor was not responsible for her actions. I would also say that you were not in the room with her and it is supposition on your part regarding what was discussed and what wasn't.

Yeah you are right. I wasn't in the room and am just basing it on my own experience and you have a point about her needing a parent. By knowing her mother and hearing about her upbringing she didn't receive any form of discipline and was encouraged to go out drinking at a young age.

But unfortunately she did take the counsellers backing on things when it suited her. She would say my counseller says etc.

Between that and my own experience it soured me on counselling. I would think it would be good for somebody who is suffering with anxiety or self doubt.

LegacyUser

quickbeam wrote: »

OP, your posts resonated a lot with me. I've tried counselling in the past too, and had the same thoughts you had: not sure what to be saying, feeling the uncomfortable silences. I found it all so confusing that I became more upset at the counselling procedure itself than what I was there meant to be talking about. I felt like a complete failure because I couldn't get anything out of the sessions.

ye it is detracting from the contents of the session a bit, when there is a silence that I feel I should be filling I worry about derailing my main motives for counselling and being encouraged to talk about some side issues that have never bothered me.

FRIENDO wrote: »

I think you should print your letter and show it to your counsellor.
I would say the fact that you have tears shows great inner healing.
I would stay with the councelling
Good luck

I really don't want to derail my issues further by doing that tbh.
I really wouldn't have the courage to do that also.

sambuka41 wrote: »

The answer you should have for that is the truth. Tell him what you have been saying here, if he asks what you hope to get out of it tell him you dont know.

One of the hard parts of therapy is leaving behind all those things that come with being in the social world, like you say, telling people your fine even when you aren't. Because thats how you've gotten by until now (I used do exactly the same!) But that's not working for you anymore, hence why you feel the need to go to counselling. So it's about leaving out that polite, nice response that you would use outside the room and being as honest as you can be.

When you settle into it you'll be surprised how the conversation will flow.

ok and that is what I did say as I was so thrown with the question at the time.

It is unbelievably hard for me to be totally honest, I guess it is just something I will hopefully get better at. I'm just so used to hiding everything, some things are just impossible to say out loud.



I will continue on with the sessions and hopefully any help I get from them will become more apparent in time.