Is this appropriate?

LegacyUser

Hi, bit of a situation here that I'd appreciate some feedback on as im not sure if I'm over reacting or not.
Seeing this girl for a year, all going well.
last week she tells me of a situation she was in which I think is inappropriate behavior but which she thinks is fine.
So she's drinking and smoking weed with her female cousin and her cousins male friend in the cousins room, late at night.
she says that the male friend proceeded to give both girls a foot massage, she said this in passing and thought nothing of it.
I know it's not explosive but I think that it crosses the line and she doesn't.
What do you guys think? No pulp fiction jokes please

squonk

OP, when you said they were drinking and smoking weed I thought you were going to tell us it led to a threesome or something!

I wouldn't see it as being all that bad. Would you be put out if she went away for a spa weekend getting a massage?

I suppose some people do think of feet massages as intimate things but really, in the bigger scheme of things, it's not that big a deal. Relax and chill out. Maybe tell her what you think but, really don't make an issue out of it. Take it on board. It's one of those things. It's just up there with a male friend giving her a hug or whatever if she was feeling a bit down and you weren't there.

Seeing as you started the Pulp Fiction thing, I'm going to just say OP, Be Cool!

Neyite

I would tend to agree - not everyone has a foot fetish and some just find it nice and relaxing, nothing sexual to it. The fact that he did it to both girls suggest that it wasnt a particular come-on to your girlfriend.

johnr1

Neyite wrote: »

I would tend to agree - not everyone has a foot fetish and some just find it nice and relaxing, nothing sexual to it. The fact that he did it to both girls suggest that it wasnt a particular come-on to your girlfriend.

I disagree. I think the fact that someone he isn't involved with got the same level of physicality as the girl he is with (I read 'male friend' here as the other girl's fella) implies the desire to take it further.
I would be pissed off too, and I don't equate it with a hug at all.

Interesting how in all these situations, the person who is accused of participating in inappropriate behaviour always has the more "progressive" laid back attitude, which we all want to agree with so as not to appear insecure or repressed.

Also interesting that these situations of possible inappropriate behaviour always seem to occur when the other half isn't present, and dope, or more usually alcohol is present.

Esoteric_

My boyfriend gives a really great foot massage and does it regularly for me if I've had a hard day in work. Similarly, he'll happily give his female friends foot, neck, back and shoulder massages. There's nothing seedy in it, it's something people do to be nice, because it eases physical tension.

You're completely wrong.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the varied opinions guys, it seems to come to an individual level whether it's considered right or wrong.
Just to clear a few points and hopefully get some more opinions.
Equating it to a spa weekend is not the same, this wasn't a service carries out by a trained professional.
He isn't the other girls fella, but he does have designs on her.
My gf barely knows him, she wouldn't really consider him a good friend or anything which for me makes it a bit more awkward.
I'm not repressed, far from it, but I do consider a foot massage to be intimate and I certainly wouldn't give one to a girl a half knew. especially if I was in a relationship as it may cause problems.
Tellingly she has apologized for it and said she knows it was not exactly a cool thing to do, I didn't ask for an apology but I probably have been noticeably a bit annoyed since she told me.
I'd love to here some more opinions especially from guys with gfs.

solovely

Are you for real??? I definitely think you're overreacting!

I don't see a foot massage as inappropriate in any way. I hope you haven't given your girlfriend a hard time over this, or you are in for a hard time yourself, and a hard time in the relationship for the future!

Maybe your issue is with the weed, which if it is, fair enough, but make it about that instead!

LegacyUser

Wow I'm very surprised at the responses here.

I am a female and I find a foot massage to be an extremely intimate thing which usually leads to further intimacy. My partner gives excellent massages and I certainly would not like to think he was sharing his 'skill' with other women, that's something I feel is reserved for me and he feels exactly the same about it thankfully.

I'm surprised that most people think that it's perfectly fine to go around giving massages out to female friends on a whim. It's intimate and shouldn't be shared with just anyone, IMO..

Also, I would find it quite creepy if a man other than my spouse went and offered or gave me a foot massage.

LegacyUser

I dunno, I can see the OP's point on this one... I'm not territorial and completely trust my boyfriend, but even so, if he was getting a foot massage from his cousin's female friend, I would not like it one bit. I probably wouldn't kick up a huge fuss but I'd tell him that the thought of it made me uncomfortable, and ask him not to do it again, and leave it at that.

LyndaMcL, though, I think you're mental - there's no way I'd like my bf touching other girls by giving them 'foot, neck, back and shoulder massages' - no fecking way! Unless it's a professional masseuse that you're paying for a service, I think there's a boundary.

happycook

i would cut her slack, she apologised because she saw you were upset, she seems genuine, if there was a sexual element she probably wouldnt have mentioned it. Maybe you should talk to her saying what you see to be beyond boundaries. Ask her what she seems to be beyond boundaries. She didnt do anything wrong in her eyes, propbably giggly, saw someone getting a foot rub, daftly said I want one haha. She knows now but a little conversation would clear the air and she would also be able to tell what she expects. just dont maybe start with "look not cool what you did" just an honest conversation. In relationships you have to forgive a lot of things and be forgiven for a lot of things, you address it and move on/get over it or decide you cant (which brings on other issues). If you do forgive her though do it completely and dont hold one thing against her.

dixiefly

happycook wrote: »

i would cut her slack, she apologised because she saw you were upset, she seems genuine, if there was a sexual element she probably wouldnt have mentioned it. Maybe you should talk to her saying what you see to be beyond boundaries. Ask her what she seems to be beyond boundaries. She didnt do anything wrong in her eyes, propbably giggly, saw someone getting a foot rub, daftly said I want one haha. She knows now but a little conversation would clear the air and she would also be able to tell what she expects. just dont maybe start with "look not cool what you did" just an honest conversation. In relationships you have to forgive a lot of things and be forgiven for a lot of things, you address it and move on/get over it or decide you cant (which brings on other issues). If you do forgive her though do it completely and dont hold one thing against her.

+1

Good post.