My Girlfriend Kissed her Ex. What should I do?

War Machine 539

My girlfriend kissed her Ex a couple of nights ago. I have suspected for months that this would happen and my girlfriend would have none of it. They were both drunk and she says it ''Just happened''.

The guy has been sending her poetry and constantly inviting her out with him. I dont know wether to dump her, as I feel I cant trust her anymore.

Any advice would be helpful!

Nody

Well the other ex obviously has feelings for her still and it is not unusual that some of it lingers in a breakup (but not more then a memory level of it; i.e. why getting together after a break up usually don't work but the memory of good times are there and hence you try).

Now having said that the issue is that you say you don't trust her, why is that? Because that is the real issue here more then anything else honestly. Why do you think she don't love you / love you more then the ex that she left?

War Machine 539

I practically begged her before she went out with the Ex to not let anything happen! I knew it would though, I wasn't surprised when she told me. Its kind of a silly question, ''Why not trust your girlfriend who kisses her ex's''? Isn't it?

Nody

War Machine 539 wrote: »

I practically begged her before she went out with the Ex to not let anything happen! I knew it would though, I wasn't surprised when she told me. Its kind of a silly question, ''Why not trust your girlfriend who kisses her ex's''? Isn't it?

I've had sex with an ex (not while in a new relationship) and I was friends with all but one ex after the break up and gone out doing stuff with them as well and their husbands. I guess I simply don't see how being on friendly standings with an ex is somehow a bad thing.

As for begging her not to let anything happen, once again why are you afraid of this (as you were begging her before anything happened etc.)? Why are you so afraid that she don't love you rather then him? Yes he got feelings for her but honestly the point is her feelings is what matters, not his, hence why are you worried? What's giving you this feeling that she don't love you more then him?

My point is, if she loves you (and this is the key cornerstone) then why are you worried about her ex still loving her to the point of begging her not to see him?

Corkblowin

Nody wrote: »

My point is, if she loves you (and this is the key cornerstone) then why are you worried about her ex still loving her?

Eh.....because she acted in a manner which shows she still has feelings for him too?

OP - I'm afraid to say that from here it looks like your relationship is doomed. It says a lot when you felt the need to beg her not to let something happen with another man on a night out. While she may not be doing so intentionally, shes using you and making a fool of you.

Honestly - get out with while you still can with dignity.

Esoteric_

Well, while I don't see friendships with exes being a problem, this guy's actions as a "friend" (sending her poetry, etc) made it clear that he wanted more than just friendship. For that reason alone, she should have cut him out of her life, because he was showing her and your relationship no respect.

But instead of doing this, she completely disrespected you and in my opinion proved that her ex is more important to her by kissing him.

If it was a random guy in a club, MAYBE you could forgive it. However, she kissed her ex, a guy she was and still is emotionally involved with. It's not just a stupid drunken kiss, it's a stupid drunken kiss with a past lover. Much less forgivable in my opinion.

OP, if I were you, I'd be talking to her about it. If she OFFERS to cut contact (not something you should ask, something she has to offer) completely and is genuinely apologetic, then you might be able to fix things.

That said, you obviously have reason to worry, as you begged her not to let anything happen when she was out with him. There's obviously some insecurity and paranoia in your mind about this guy and from what you've said, there is good reason for that paranoia and insecurity.

Do you want to work on a relationship that may never get better, where you feel like you're playing second fiddle to some ex boyfriend, or do you want to get out there, be hurt by being single for a while, but have a chance to find someone who loves YOU?

War Machine 539

Nody forgive me and thank you for your advice but it wasn't helpful, or coherent for that matter.

Linda, you hit the nail on the head, I told her what was happening months before, Im talking six months, what this guy was up to and she was so blaise about the whole thing.
She is still acting like nothing has happened, like its not a big deal. She says she loves me, she has cut all ties with the guy, but I'm so upset that she would not trust me from the start about it. This whole thing was avoidable, if she trusted me.

Trust in my opinion is a two way street. I cant trust her if she wont trust me. And even more so now that its been betrayed.

I should add I was aware she was with her Ex, she ran the whole thing by me, and against my better judgement I agreed to let her meet up with him. I feel like a right fcuking prat.

Esoteric_

You were right to allow her to meet up with him, you'd be branded a big, bad, controlling boyfriend if you had tried to stop her.

Look, if she's acting blasé about this and doesn't seem to see the big deal, then maybe she's not the right person for you. I know if I did that to my boyfriend I'd be disgusted at myself and basically begging for forgiveness. Seems like she doesn't care too much.

I was in a situation with my boyfriend and one of his best female friends. Like your gf's ex, she was undermining our relationship. She would flirt outrageously, told me awful lies about my boyfriend (saying they were both in love with each other and all this sort of thing) and basically pushed me away and latched on to my boyfriend and stopped me from spending time with him, even telling him to dump me because she's better than me. My boyfriend acted completely stupid and blind to it, even when I got really upset and pointed it out, but then when I agreed to give her another chance, and told him to watch out for what she was doing, he finally saw it and cut contact with her. That's how your girlfriend should have played it.

Instead, she just did what she wanted, not caring about the consequences, and it sounds like she still doesn't care all that much about what she did. Trust is a 2 way street like you said, and if you can't trust each other, how will it work? Ok, she cut contact now, but how long will that last? She doesn't sound all that remorseful and if she's not very remorseful, then she will probably get back in contact with him.

I am a friend

War Machine 539 wrote: »

She is still acting like nothing has happened, like its not a big deal. She says she loves me, she has cut all ties with the guy, but I'm so upset that she would not trust me from the start about it. This whole thing was avoidable, if she trusted me.

She didn’t ‘tust’ you cos she didn’t want to listen to you. It doesn’t matter who she has kissed, she has cheated on you and pretty nastily to be honest…

She doesn’t want to talk about it cos she is trying to kick for touch. How can she seriously said it meant nothing… She is chancing her arm and she will be at the same again.

She cheated on you…. You want to stay with someone who does that?

War Machine 539

Well she is begging for my forgiveness, yet she will turn around and say it was nothing . . . . . . . . . its very two wayed!

Fentdog84

Why did she want to meet up with him, what were her reasons? Presumably she didnt meet up with him with the intention to end up kissing him. Sounds like this guy still has a kind of hold over her is trying to manipulate her back into his life..sending poetry etc.

Well i suppose she told you the truth and that she's sorry and that it was a mistake. Id say give her the benefit of the doubt and give her another chance so long as she dosent go near this guy again.

Miss Fluff

War Machine 539 wrote: »

I should add I was aware she was with her Ex, she ran the whole thing by me, and against my better judgement I agreed to let her meet up with him. I feel like a right fcuking prat.

:eek: And why exactly was she meeting up with him? What were here reasons for this?

War Machine 539

She says he was a better friend then boyfriend!

Miss Fluff

If he was that good a friend she should have had no problem in telling him to stop with the sonnets already and that she is now very happy with you, her boyfriend :rolleyes:

Trust should be at the cornerstone of every relationship and you obviously don't have it with this girl. Of course a snog can be forgiven but it's a different proposition altogether when she didn't make it perfectly clear that sending poems and asking her out is no longer appropriate, it's like she encouraged it. And then going to meet him? You're being taken for a mug old chap.

Colonel_McCoy

No brainer.......Dump her..you deserve better

I am a friend

War Machine 539 wrote: »

Well she is begging for my forgiveness, yet she will turn around and say it was nothing . . . . . . . . . its very two wayed!

No firstly she is trying to save face and then her true feelings come out...

invinciblePRSTV

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

No brainer.......Dump her..you deserve better

This times a thousand. OP the girl is messing you about and you're taking it. going on the piss and sharing kisses with exes who send poetry and the like suggests to me that this girl is having her cake and eating it in terms of male attention, she's clearly not serious about having a relationship with you and is sizing up her options.

Dump her ass.

Neyite

She does not sound a bit remorseful - I think you deserve better.

It would not sit right with me - I mean the way she does not really care that she has hurt you this way. That would be the dealbreaker for me

Eve_Dublin

Man, I can't believe you're considering forgiving this woman. She's LOVING this attention from both of you and your feeding her ego. She's meeting a guy who she knows is crazy about her because she wants to remain friends with him. You BEG her not to touch him...and she does. She clearly sees him as more than just a firend. Open your eyes here, OP. You're being taken for a Mister Muggins. Don't let this girl trample over your feelings. If she genuinely cared, she wouldn't have gone out with her ex who still loves her (sneaky dog continuing to crack onto a girl in a relationship) never mind kissed the guy. For the love of God, have some dignity and walk away.

booboo88

Seriously? Her ex is sending her poetry and she thinks this is normal?
I was in a relationship awhile back where the ex was constantly in contact, which he denied, I am friends myself with all bar one ex boyfriends, thats not the issue, its about being upfront with your current squeeze, id never try to hide anything from a boyfriend about an ex texting me, but for her to meet up with him? what was her reason for meeting up with him?

killeoinisback

OP, it seems your O/H had the intention to cheat before she even met up with her ex. You really deserve better.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Meh, sounds like she wanted it to happen so she got drunk around him knowing she could use that as a get out clause.

There's nothing inherently wrong with being friends with an ex, sure. Get drunk with them alone? That's majorly disrespectful to your relationship. I wouldn't put up with it

Dymo

Don't break up with her straight away, that way she's only going to run straight to the ex boyfriend (Unless that's what you want). Make her break all ties with him first and then make her prove to you that its over, really over.

The trust is gone, you knew this was always going to happen and you were proved right, you were a sucker for being too nice and trustworthy(Better friend that boyfriend my arse more like plan . Also her Ex probably thinks your a sucker too, the way he was able to get her back.First rule of getting back with an ex is to undermine the current boyfriend.

Sorry if I'm a bit harsh, but as your living and learning I'm sure you don't want to go through this again. Best of luck.