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LegacyUser

Just curious what other people think of this situation...

From the way my BF's ex went on about him (from what I've heard from just about everyone), you'd think he was the devil himself.

I always have felt that the truth lies somewhere in the middle in these things.

Yet, I've found him to be nothing but the absolute most perfect boyfriend I've ever had. Nearly a fairy tale romance.

Do you think it's just possible that two people are so wrong for each other, that they bring out the worst in each other?

We've been together for several years now, so I really don't think anything is waiting to rear it's ugly head.

I just find it odd that someone else had such a different experience of him, even if I take the stories with a grain of salt.

sbsquarepants

Of course it's possible just like 2 people can watch a movie, say, one sees a masterpiece while the other is bored to tears. Same with books, music, food everything in life, including people. Just be happy that you've found someone right for you, who cares what their ex thinks?
If they were right for each other they wouldn't be exes in the first place!

I'm not exactly surprised that an ex has a tinted view on things - they're an ex.

Distorted

It depends how they split up. If it left hard feelings on one or both sides, then the ex is not going to give him a glowing reference! I wouldn't worry too much about what other people say, as long as its not a case of several different people giving you dire warnings about someone!

You made me think about a male friend of mine. He is an absolute gem of a guy, really genuine, but was going out with a girl whom he had nothing in common with, who hated him training for his sport as she was jealous he was going to meet someone else and basically tried to control him and ended up having arguements all the time. Now she goes around bad mouthing him but its totally unwarranted - they were completely unsuited and he is now with someone who is as laid back as himself and does the same sport too. He admits himself the first relationship was totally wrong for him and he is glad he got out of it. Doesn't mean either of them are bad people, just not suited long term.

metrovelvet

Also because people change. And people change each other too.

LegacyUser

It's not the normal - he was an awful boyfriend stuff you'd normally hear after a break up. It's more along the lines of he physically abused her and cheated on her. It's just all a bit weird to me to hear that someone has said that sort of thing about him when it seems 100% against his character to me.

Reesy

Hey OP, do you have any way of validating her claims? Were there witnesses, or hospital reports, or anything? I'd humbly suggest you check out the claims if you can.

I am a friend

Some pretty serious accusation there... That's strange indeed. Has she taken those accusations any further?

LegacyUser

Doubt it. It's a few years ago now, and as far as I know, it's just her word. She still says it from time to time to people from what I've heard. It just bothers me that it's said at all at this point, so wanted to make sure it wasn't me being weird!

I'm guessing it's more of a revenge thing for her. Never heard a bad word about him from anyone else! Still, I don't like it.

Katgurl

What does he say? You sound like you're inclined to believe her - if it was true would it change your opinion of him?

You could also ask her yourself, do you know her at all.

With regards to the cheating I'd be inclined to mind my own business but physical abuse would alarm me. Then again having suffered at the hands of an ex I am biased as I wish someone had warned me.

I don't know if that's helpful at all.

Sinfonia

Do you know his ex, personally?

This -

From the way my BF's ex went on about him (from what I've heard from just about everyone), you'd think he was the devil himself.

- makes it sound like you heard her opinions through some third party, as in someone you know said "Well his ex said that he's the devil himself" etc.

I'm just putting the possibility out there that she's a drama queen who got hurt in the breakup and started spreading rumours.. It does happen.

Also, as someone else said, what does he say, have you asked him about it? I know it's not easy to go to your boyfriend and say "Hey, listen, were you physically abusive in your last relationship?" but I would think it fair to tell him that you heard some rumours about him, you don't really believe them and you don't really see how they could be true, but you wanted to let him know.

LegacyUser

No, I don't know her. This is just via third parties.

He knows that she said it, and he said he didn't do it. I have no reason not to believe him. He's never even raised his voice to me, so not really worried about physical violence from him at all. I'm sure something would have come through by now if he were that way.

It sounded like the relationship was far from perfect, so I'm sure they both had their bad moments. I think we can all say we've done some things we shouldn't have in previous relationships. I'm not going to ask too much about it, as it's not really my business. I do believe that she probably had a difference experience of him than me, just not to the extent that she claims.

I just hate the idea of walking down the street, and someone I don't know thinking the person I'm with is a horrible person.

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

What does he say? You sound like you're inclined to believe her - if it was true would it change your opinion of him?

You could also ask her yourself, do you know her at all.

With regards to the cheating I'd be inclined to mind my own business but physical abuse would alarm me. Then again having suffered at the hands of an ex I am biased as I wish someone had warned me.

I don't know if that's helpful at all.

I'd kinda be with Katgurl on thsi. I would be very wary of the claims of physical abuse. Asking him straight out is an option, but it is doubtful he will be honest with you if he hasnt mentioned it in all the time you have been together. Has he ever mentioned her claims?

Have you ever heard it from her yourself or just from third parties. I know my ex was abusive and while i dont go around talking about it all the time, in fact i have told very few people, but it has got back to all his friends one way or another. The general consensus among them was/is that i made the whole thing up. Doesnt bother me that they want to believe that, i know the truth about what happened. But this is the reason that a lot of victims of abuse feel they cant talk about it - the fear that they are coming accross as a bitter angry liar. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that people saw me this way.

I dont think many people start abuse rumours just because they are bitter over a break up - it is one hell of an accusation and i would be likely to take it seriously (like katgurl this could be because i have been burned before). Just because you havent seen it yet, doesnt mean it wotn crop up ever. It just takes one thing to push an abusive person over the edge and it is something to keep in mind.

Bottle_of_Smoke

As well as being his ex there's numerous other variables.

He may have matured since being with her

He may not have liked her as much so didn't treat her as well

Guys don't behave the same way in every relationship

LegacyUser

Hmm... I posted a response this morning, but it hasn't appeared yet.

No, I don't know her. This was all via third parties. Even if I were to figure out how to ask her, I'm sure she'd tell me the same thing! But what's the point of digging that up for them?

He knows she said it, and he said he didn't. I've no reason not to believe him. He's never even raised his voice to me, so I don't worry that he'll hit me. I'm sure he would have shown signs by now if he were actually abusive.

I don't feel like it's really my business to be asking loads of questions about the relationship. From the sounds of it, it wasn't good. I'm sure both of them were pretty awful to each other. We've all done some things we've regretted in previous relationships.

I just know he's not at all like that with me, so it just seems surprising that even with the normal exaggerations you might get, it seems like a different person.

I'm sure it's a combination of what everyone said here. I just hate to think someone thinks I'm dating an abusive boyfriend because of the rumours.

I suppose it'll die off someday, but it upsets me a bit that it still comes up occasionally.

Katgurl

I really would not waste my time worrying about what people think of you in this situation.

Like a previous poster, it trickled back to his friends despite the fact i told VERY few people, (one of whom was my next boyfriend as i was so wary about gettign close to a person again) and its a lot harder to walk around with people thinking one of the following about you:

a) there's that girl who used to LET her boyfriend hit her
b) there's that crazy lying b!tch

i haven't come across anyone who thinks (b) but I suppose it must cross the minds of friends & family members who just dont want to believe he could do such things.

However, I do believe people can change. I knew another guy who once punched his girlfriend in the face, it was about ten years ago and he was thoroughly ashamed - he confessed to me one night. I know for a fact he would never lay a hand on a female again and it scared him to know he was capable of that level of violence.

To be completely honest, I would contact the ex if i were you, because it sounds like you are unsure - you would not be posting here otherwise. I'd be wanting to find out the following; does she seem vengeful, is she claiming he did it once or repeatedly.

I do believe people could set something off in each other and a very heated argument could get out of hand. In that case i'd leave it. But if she seems calm, doesnt' demonstrate any ulterior motives and says it happened repeatedly then i'd be worried. Doesn't it seem strange that your boyfriend has not done anything about someone tarnishing his reputation like this - cheating is not that uncommon within relationships which subsequently break down but a man being violent towards a woman is taken very seriously.

I worry about the fact i didn't press charges against my thoroughly abusive ex, not for revenge but for the fact I have left him unpunished and unaccountable and I would hate to think of some other girl goign through what I experienced.

LegacyUser

I don't know. I really just don't think he could be capable of it. There's been nothing to even hint of the possibility.

Katgurl - what would you do if your ex's current girlfriend contacted you? What if she didn't believe you when you told her and said that she didn't experience any abuse from him? Do you think he's capable of changing?

metrovelvet

Curious888 wrote: »

I don't know. I really just don't think he could be capable of it. There's been nothing to even hint of the possibility.

Katgurl - what would you do if your ex's current girlfriend contacted you? What if she didn't believe you when you told her and said that she didn't experience any abuse from him? Do you think he's capable of changing?

Are you more concerned that she is lying or that she is telling the truth?

And more importantly, why is this bothering you a few years down the line?

LegacyUser

Mostly because I hear that she's still saying it a few years down the line! I heard it again recently, so it brought it to mind.

I honestly think she's lying or severely stretching the truth.

It would bother me if someone were saying things like this about a friend as well. I just was curious to get someone's opinion outside of the situation to see if they would be upset to hear things like this about someone they cared about.

Wompa1

Curious888 wrote: »

Mostly because I hear that she's still saying it a few years down the line! I heard it again recently, so it brought it to mind.

I honestly think she's lying or severely stretching the truth.

It would bother me if someone were saying things like this about a friend as well. I just was curious to get someone's opinion outside of the situation to see if they would be upset to hear things like this about someone they cared about.

Not sure of how relevant this is but I met with my ex before and while she was with me a friend of hers text to make sure she was ok because he thought I hit her.....she obviously planted that in her friends heads as a possibility because she likes sympathy and to be a victim.

She cheated on me. She also told me when we met that she could see me for who I really was now, an abusive boyfriend. I yelled at her once before when she said something very insulting about my sister and I took offense.

I also yelled when I met her because she wasn't being honest with me and was weaseling out of being a decent persona and confessing everything to me.

If your b/f is a gent to you, I highly doubt he treated that girl badly. It's most likely that she's painted an idea of him in her head so it seems like she got away from him rather than messed things up and lost him. I know I'm an excellent b/f, I was doubting myself for a while but I know in my heart I am, no matter what my ex might say.

Katgurl

Curious888 wrote: »

I don't know. I really just don't think he could be capable of it. There's been nothing to even hint of the possibility.

Katgurl - what would you do if your ex's current girlfriend contacted you? What if she didn't believe you when you told her and said that she didn't experience any abuse from him? Do you think he's capable of changing?

Yes I would of course believe her, i would have zero interest in his current relationship and i never assumed he beat every other girlfriend he had. This doesnt mean I was responsible for being hit.

No I wouldn't mind her contacting me in the slightest.

If she accused me of lying I'd shrug my shoulders; he's not my problem anymore and its her choice what she wants to believe.

I don't know if my reaction is really comparable though - I am completely over the whole experience and feel removed from it. I never mention it to anyone as I dont care anymore. If the ex in your situation is still talking about it, this would suggest she is still feeling raw.

I didn't always feel like I do now. Shortly after I broke up with him and we both started dating other people i did feel a misplaced responsibility toward his new girlfriend, I felt compelled to warn her that he was dangerous. But I had to let it go - I knew she wouldn't believe me, that I'd seem crazy / jealous / bitter (i was thrilled to be away from him in reality) and most importantly I'd be sucked back into his life.

But as i previously stated, its obviously bothering you and instead of speculatign and wondering I would personally go straight to the relevant person. Mainly because I wouldn't want somobody slandering my boyfriend like that.

LegacyUser

Wompa1 wrote: »

If your b/f is a gent to you, I highly doubt he treated that girl badly. It's most likely that she's painted an idea of him in her head so it seems like she got away from him rather than messed things up and lost him. I know I'm an excellent b/f, I was doubting myself for a while but I know in my heart I am, no matter what my ex might say.

This is the type of attitudes towards me that made me lose a few freinds. They all thought exactly that and chose to side with him, i had chosen to tell one very close friend, and while he believed me at first, after confronting my ex he managed to convince him i was delusional and making it up in my head. And it was then him who spread it around the things that i was saying. Its hard enough to deal with abuse without people thinking things like that.

My exes current girlfriend contacted me a few years ago to say that he had shoved her in an argument and she wanted to know if what i had said was the truth. I told her that it was, I would not lie about any of that and that i would be wary of his behaviour and wished her well. Did not engage her much more, did not want to go into any detials with her as i still cant even talk about it with close friends and family but she deserved to know the truth. As far as I know she is still with him now. I dont know how he treats her now and frankly it is none of my business, i hope that it went differently for her btu i will never know and not go out of my way to find out.

Unlike Katgurl I am still not over it, i dont think i ever will be. If i saw him in the street i would turn and walk/run away as i still have a fear there. So to be so rational about peoples (his) ability to change. Im sure its not impossible, but i would say without some sort of counselling it is imrpobable.

OP i think if you do contact her, you need to be prepared of any sort of reaction, from calm and rational - to any sort of over the top outburst. I dont think its fair to accuse her of spreading nasty rumours about your ex - as even though he is great to you, it could be true, and accusing someone you do not know of lying about something like this is not your place. If you believe he would never hurt you like that then is that enough for you? DO you trust his word? A relationship is all about trust and if you trust your boyfriend then what she is saying is irrelevent to you.

I personally would never go out with anyone who had previously hit a girlfriend, even once, no matter how much they may have changed - but then that is a result of abuse, its hard enough to trust anyone never mind somebody like that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the insights Wompa1 & Katgurl. I really think it's more of a Wompa1 type situation.

To be honest, I'm not sure I'd want to talk to her, as I don't think he'd want her back in his life in any way, and this would likely do it. Besides, if she's been saying it for this long, she's not going to suddenly tell me the truth and say she's been lying this whole time.

As for him not doing anything about it, I think it was more to people she knew, so they're going to believe her over him. They're her friends.

And I know this may sound bad, but if it ended up being the truth, it wouldn't really change anything for me, as he's obviously changed. Not that I'm saying hitting is ever ok, but people do change, and you can't condemn them because of their past.

But again, I really don't think he's capable of that at all and I don't think he's lying to me. I just wish she'd stop the gossiping.

Anyway, cheers for the vent. It's nice to get some outside opinions.

Semele

I know you don't feel like it's your place to ask your boyfriend too much about it, but if you're at the point of considering contacting his ex then I think it's time to get over that and tell him you need to clear it up! I think if he found out you'd spoken to her about it it'd look as though you didn't trust him at all and do more damage than if you just explained to him what you've said here- that you're not accusing him of anything and he's a wonderful boyfriend to you, but you just can't get your head round the fact that she had such a different experience and would like a little more info. It certainly shouldn't have any bearing on your relationship if there was some truth to it and he's too ashamed to tell you- I do believe that some people can bring out the worst in each other and it's not a reflection of them as individuals.

Wompa1

Curious888 wrote: »

Thanks for the insights Wompa1 & Katgurl. I really think it's more of a Wompa1 type situation.

To be honest, I'm not sure I'd want to talk to her, as I don't think he'd want her back in his life in any way, and this would likely do it. Besides, if she's been saying it for this long, she's not going to suddenly tell me the truth and say she's been lying this whole time.

As for him not doing anything about it, I think it was more to people she knew, so they're going to believe her over him. They're her friends.

And I know this may sound bad, but if it ended up being the truth, it wouldn't really change anything for me, as he's obviously changed. Not that I'm saying hitting is ever ok, but people do change, and you can't condemn them because of their past.

But again, I really don't think he's capable of that at all and I don't think he's lying to me. I just wish she'd stop the gossiping.

Anyway, cheers for the vent. It's nice to get some outside opinions.

Ago, I'll take what Kat had said and I could see how that could be true..makes it a pretty risky position I guess. You should go with your gut. If you are a good judge of character than rely on your instincts.

I never ever hit a woman in my life and never would. Haven't even been close and my ex's portrayal of me is very very unfair...but I think it's her personality to try and back up herself as being right in everything she does. She doesn't have a regret in her life because she doesn't think she's ever stepped a foot wrong. Maybe you could use that and analyze his ex and him....see what kind of person she is rather than talking about the b/f...you kind of owe it to him not to go snooping around about his relationship but you could find out about that other girls character, maybe she's just not credible at all?