Another ex thread

LegacyUser

I'm looking for advice from anyone whose boyfriend/girlfriend is still friends with their ex.

Do you have a problem with it, any jealousy or feeling uncomfortable? If you did, did you get over it and stop letting it bother you...

My boyfriend has had only one relationship before me and is now attempting to remain friends with his ex and though i honestly do trust him and he has done everything possible short of not being friends with her to reassure me, for some reason I still just find the whole situation uncomfortable, I'm trying to get over it though and am hoping some words of wisdom from anyone who's been through the same thing would help.

Asphyxia

Are you feeling threatened by the ex?.. do you think they want your boyfriend back?

My boyfriend is friends with two of his exes. One of them I have known for years and one I had been introduced to on a night out. I don't have any negative feelings towards them they were nice to me and make an effort getting to know me.

Do you know this ex well, maybe if you socialized with her you wouldn't feel as uncomfortable as you do. The next time your boyfriend is going for a drink or meeting up with them you should tag a long and get to know them as well.

LegacyUser

Asphyxia wrote: »

Are you feeling threatened by the ex?.. do you think they want your boyfriend back?

My boyfriend is friends with two of his exes. One of them I have known for years and one I had been introduced to on a night out. I don't have any negative feelings towards them they were nice to me and make an effort getting to know me.

Do you know this ex well, maybe if you socialized with her you wouldn't feel as uncomfortable as you do. The next time your boyfriend is going for a drink or meeting up with them you should tag a long and get to know them as well.

Very good points here. OP, I have a similar situation to you, in my case I did try to get to know the ex only to find out that I was very unwelcome in her company, she blamed ME for leading him away from her even though he didn't meet me until 2 months after he broke up with the ex, she still was deeply in love with my bf (texting him and calling him to let him know, telling anyone who would listen, twitter updates, facebook, etc) and she would ignore me completely if we met, whisper to friends while looking at me and laughing, join us on group trips with friends but go out of her way to make it awkward for me. In the end, the only solution was for my bf to spend less and less time with his friends and he now completely ignores her as she does to me, after seeing how much this upset me.

Obviously now, I have huge issues with the girl. After being told to 'fcuk off' by my boyfriend (in front of me) she continues to text him and while I know he wouldn't run off with her I still feel bad every time I see her, it worries me every time she texts him and I always feel ill when he goes on nights out without me.

Not sure how to deal with it but would love advice also!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

Asphyxia: Thank you for the advice, I dont feel threatened exactly, just uncomfortable with the idea of her is the best way I can think of explaining it, I dont think they're going to get back together or anything, my boyfriend loves me and wont be going back there.
Oh and yes, as far as Im aware she'd love to get back with him, she thought they would get back together when they broke up so then when she found out that he was dating me she was very upset, had a bit of a crazy reaction at first to be honest i think.

I dont know the ex well, Im working on feeling more comfortable around their friends at the moment, they share all the same friends so I felt a bit out of my depth at first but eventually i will have to meet with her I know that, I'm just really not looking forward to it.


asdfsdfdfafsdf: I am so happy that somebody else has similar feelings, you have no idea! What you have described is exactly what i'm afraid of in the long run, I really dont want a situation in the end where my boyfriend has to actively spend less time with his friends because of this, hopefully it wont happen, but I could really see it as a possibility unfortunately and that will put a huge strain on us.

daenerysstormborn3

My bf is friends with all of his exes except his last one because they were together a long time and it ended very badly. In fact one of his exes is probably one of our closest friends. We've even discussed the possibility of this ex being a candidate for godmother if we were to have a baby.

I wouldn't say I am exceptionally understanding or anything like that but it's just the type of person my boyfriend is. He would never be able to comprehend not being friends with his exes, none of his relationships ended badly, it was just a case of them being better suited as friends and they are.

I would suggest you try to socialise with the ex, not necessarily become her best friend but be cordial and try and make it as comfortable for everyone as possible to be in each other's company but obviously if she is not willing to also do this then I wouldn't be so keen on holding up your side of things.

solovely

Looking at it from another point of view....I have been that ex!

After I broke up with a boyfriend of 6 years, I stayed really good friends with him. We were part of the same group of friends, so it would have been really awkward had we not, we we went through a lot of stuff together that keeps you connected.

We broke up because we had become friends much more than lovers, so there was no bad fall out or anything like that. We even stayed living together til I found a new place and there was no ill feeling, so maybe that helped.

About three years ago (2 years after we broke up), he got a new girlfriend, and things changed. She, for some reason, felt very threatened by me. I was never anything but nice to her. I invited them over for dinner a couple of times, they had me and my then boyfriend back once, but slowly I heard from others that she got more and more resentful and he/ they stopped hanging out with the gang. They now live just down the road from me, and I maybe see him once every 3-4 months, and her never. The rest of the gang see him even less. I don't even think she knows when he meets up with us/ me.

She was made very welcome by the rest of our gang of friends, there was never any us and her type of thing at all. She is a bit younger and obviously very immature/ insecure.

It is very sad though that her insecurity has caused him to lose a good group of friends. I heard from a friend that they used to have blazing rows over this issue, and it nearly drove them apart. Of course, I want him to be happy so am very happy to stay out of the way. I don't need him or them as a friend, and have below zero interest in ever being with him again. It's just sad though when things turn out like this.

OP, I do really feel you should make an effort with this girl. I know it's a bit different as she still has feelings for your ex, and that you got together really soon after their break up. But you can imagine if she is feeling vindicated, she will be saying nasty stuff about you, and your boyfriend could end up getting left out of stuff if they still have friends in common. It is hard to know how best to make the effort....just normal girly chats (without talking about him of course). If that doesn't work, maybe take her aside for a nice chat, say you are really sorry she got hurt, and you have no hard feelings towards her for how she's acted to date, and that you would like to be able to be friends, for everybody's sakes. If that doesn't work, then you've done everything you can, and she's the one who looks like a saddo!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Ok I get what everyone is saying and I do intend to give it my best shot to be friendly and try and get along with her, so things wont be uncomfortable for all involved, I dont know how receptive she will be but at least then I can say I tried, and I do intend to do my best.

Unfortunately the opportunity to socialise with her is not going to come up in the next couple of months as my boyfriend has work commitments abroad so he will be gone for a while, but it is something to work towards when he gets back.

However even though i have this plan in my head now, I still find myself thinking about her a lot of the time and worrying etc :-(

pixiebean22 : Thank you for your reply, see this is the only ex he's ever had, his only girlfriend, they were together a long time, his first love, so I think this is partly whats making me uncomfortable.

solovely: Thanks, it is nice to here the other side of things as well, that girl sounds a fright and I have no intention of being like that, if it's possible at all i want to make sure that we can get on, I'd hate to think he was giving up time with his friends because of me.
My situation is a bit different though because I think she thought they were going to get back together eventually but then i came along so thats obviously not going to happen, and I know she cant help how she feels but I really just wish I could press a button so she could be over him, its hard enough already without knowing that she still wants him.

sirbob

hey just taught you mite like to hear from a guys point of view here on this especially sence i could be the guy in this situation. to be honest the advise you've been getting is good you have to remember how hard this is on him aswell even do it may not appear to be affecting him as much it probably is he's trying to keep the peace there and keep you happy if he is anyway similar to myself at all (he sounds to be) he does love you and will do his best not to hurt you and will not go back there weather she wants to or not i understand how difficult this is on you but you dont need to worry. as you've been told already the best thing to do is make the effort to get along then if it fails its not your fault and he will appreciate the effort you've made hope this helps a bit best of luck ha and fingers crossed when i get back from australia my girlfriend will be able to deal with it to

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply sirbob, its actually great to get a guys opinion especially one who "could be the guy" in this situation. I do appreciate that it's affecting my bf as well as me and that yes he's the one trying to keep the peace so to speak, it just feels like sometimes the only way that I will be truely happy is when she is no longer a part of his life, which isnt going to happen so I'l just have to make the best of the situation as I can. As i've said before i dont worry about them getting back together, its more the fact of the emotional intimacy they shared and im worried they could keep on sharing, I couldnt bear her using him as her shoulder to cry on or something like that and I'm worried that he would allow that because he's a nice guy, too nice maybe in some situations.
I will make the effort though, if only for him, I love him and dont want to make an uncomfortable situation worse, if she does though, not my fault.

Fingers crossed for you sirbob that your girlfriend will be able to deal with it better than me

nicechick!

imsoconfused wrote: »

I'm looking for advice from anyone whose boyfriend/girlfriend is still friends with their ex.

Do you have a problem with it, any jealousy or feeling uncomfortable? If you did, did you get over it and stop letting it bother you...

My boyfriend has had only one relationship before me and is now attempting to remain friends with his ex and though i honestly do trust him and he has done everything possible short of not being friends with her to reassure me, for some reason I still just find the whole situation uncomfortable, I'm trying to get over it though and am hoping some words of wisdom from anyone who's been through the same thing would help.

hmmm hard one! firstly what you need to remember is there relationship didn't work!! but oh do I have empathy why?????

We're women and known for the odd outburst of emotional drama without real merit I might add though we will never admit to this but sure most women are naturally curious of course we are going to hmm think that he is still talking to ex may suggest that he still has an emotional attachment and well being chicks we will hate this!! (go on admit it!)

You will also consider/question if there is any chemistry, flirtations, memories (the good ones!) its hard to compete with that especially when your new to the relationship though you must remember that there relationship is over, it didn't actual work for whatever reasons! You will compare yourself to that the ''ex'' as she is still somewhat a part of there life especially as it seems positive. If you can over come this good on you!

I am friends with my ex and to be honest one day I'll probably will have to give him up!! Why? I don't think he has ever had a girlfriend that hasn't had issue with the fact that I may call/text him occasionally and he would also do the same. I would love to continue my friendship with my ex we never meet socially, we don't text or talk constantly either its more of once or twice a year or when sometimes he or I having a rough situation and we do consult or talk about it but hmmm many years later women still hate the thought that he stills have a conversation with me!!

LegacyUser

Oh my god nicechick! thank you so much, absolutely loved your post just couldnt stop reading it!

nicechick! wrote: »

We're women and known for the odd outburst of emotional drama without real merit I might add though we will never admit to this but sure most women are naturally curious of course we are going to hmm think that he is still talking to ex may suggest that he still has an emotional attachment and well being chicks we will hate this!! (go on admit it!)

Ok I will admit that yes like most women I know i can throw a bit of an emotional drama wobly from time to time, so maybe i am making mountains here and working myself up over next to nothing but unfortunately it doesnt seem to matter what i tell my brain it just wont accept this at the moment anyway ha, yea see thats just it, you've hit the nail on the head, its that emotional attachment potential that I hate! I just feel well i'm here now so attach yourself emotionally to me not her ... I am definately feeling very territorial about my man!

nicechick! wrote: »

You will also consider/question if there is any chemistry, flirtations, memories (the good ones!) its hard to compete with that especially when your new to the relationship though you must remember that there relationship is over, it didn't actual work for whatever reasons! You will compare yourself to that the ''ex'' as she is still somewhat a part of there life especially as it seems positive. If you can over come this good on you!

Again hitting the nail on the head here nicechick! , I do feel a bit like im in a competition, and since he's my boyfriend that feels unfair, but how do you compete with someone that was the first everything and that everybody in his life is so used to seeing them together that you feel like an imposter sometimes ... but there i am again with the emotional drama ha, it is hard not to feel like that though and not compare myself to her. Im worried and afraid about what happens if i cant over come this? I mean surely people do over come it, but how, it seems like such a big obsticle to overcome at the moment and it's really getting me down

It was great to hear your viewpoint as the ex though, you're so matter of fact about it all.

I am a friend

Well I do say trust your gut…. I went out with a guy years ago (15+) and when we split up we met other people. He married, I was engaged, they came to parties at our house, I was invited to his wedding (couldn’t go), got presents for them when their kids were born and saw them for a night out maybe once a year. You get the picture…. Friends…..

His wife (now ex) was always wary of me because he & I got on so well but nothing ever happened between us, even flirting, while they were together. I always remember that I used to miss him / not like saying goodbye to him / feel sorry that I wouldn’t see him for a while, when we’d meet up but didn’t think any more of it.

In truth, I still liked him but blanked it out cos he was with someone and the same happened with him but we both wanted (unknown to the other one) to stay friends so as to have that person in our lives on some level…

Another friend of mine got back with her ex after 2 years apart, they saw other people and are now moving in together....

I am not saying your OH has unresolved feelings for their ex but I did…. They split, we met again last year and we are now having our first baby and we are so happy… Trust your gut.

nicechick!

imsoconfused wrote: »

Oh my god nicechick! thank you so much, absolutely loved your post just couldnt stop reading it!



Ok I will admit that yes like most women I know i can throw a bit of an emotional drama wobly from time to time, so maybe i am making mountains here and working myself up over next to nothing but unfortunately it doesnt seem to matter what i tell my brain it just wont accept this at the moment anyway ha, yea see thats just it, you've hit the nail on the head, its that emotional attachment potential that I hate! I just feel well i'm here now so attach yourself emotionally to me not her ... I am definately feeling very territorial about my man!




Again hitting the nail on the head here nicechick! , I do feel a bit like im in a competition, and since he's my boyfriend that feels unfair, but how do you compete with someone that was the first everything and that everybody in his life is so used to seeing them together that you feel like an imposter sometimes ... but there i am again with the emotional drama ha, it is hard not to feel like that though and not compare myself to her. Im worried and afraid about what happens if i cant over come this? I mean surely people do over come it, but how, it seems like such a big obsticle to overcome at the moment and it's really getting me down

It was great to hear your viewpoint as the ex though, you're so matter of fact about it all.

ohhhh I hear ya!! I was with my ex for five years his father would still call me.... by you've guessed it his ex's name!! ha ha ha they loved me really but ehhh occasionally I would go mad

I think the difference in my attitude towards my relationship with my ex is that I never ever want to interfere with his own personnel pursuit of romantic happiness. My attitude is he does actually have enough friends! I truly want him to meet someone that he adores, cherishes and worships as he did once with me and that is worth letting go of the friendship as I can't give him that so to let him go in his future pursuit of happiness is what I'll do which is why I think we don't meet socially and have little contact throughout the year.

My advice dig your heels in girl!! You like him take your time and definitely control some of the insecurity (perfectly normal in the situation but being chicks well ya know what were like!) most men don't do drama eventually they will both move on with there life's and peoples personnel circumstances changes (lets hope she just fecks off to another country, or get married have babies priorities change ha)

He obviously cares otherwise he wouldn't take the time to reassure sure or even in fact tell you that he still communicates with this girl and I'm trying not to make things worse by saying this.. but eh it could be that she stills needs him in her life and that she is struggling to let go however that doesn't mean its a romantic attachment its hard to let go of people the good & bad for some it takes longer.

Another thing try get an introduction I will say this ''women know who's a threat and who isn't'' intuition will tell you if she is still interested or genuinely happy for him if she's a nice chick and understands women well then she'll probably lay off or hmm find her a boyfriend!