Relationship doubts.

LegacyUser

I feel I am sliding away from my girlfriend.

It took me years and years to meet the right girl. I never had a whole lot of confidence in younger times, but that changed as I got older. I met a girl last year, and we are dating a year now. She is very similar to me in many ways, same views, same outlook, she is attractive, and she is very attracted to me.

She also took years to meet the right person, and begs me constantly always to look after her, never to leave her. She would absolutely break her heart if she knew I was having doubts, and I would break my heart at causing her any hurt.

My sexual interest fluctuates between seldom and zero. I just seem to have lost the interest over the years, years of mostly not getting any. I do feel kind of under pressure to perform, when to be honest, I'd rather just have a hug in front of the fire with a nice cup of tea.

I went through a difficult period recently with money and job problems, and was quite down about it. I am sure I have mostly dealt with that, though I remain in a job that takes up too much of my life, long hours, and practically no job satisfaction. That doesn't help my humour or frame of mind. But there are no other jobs to be had.

The last few nights when I was over with my girlfriend, I wasn't really relaxed, although my lips said all the right things. I'd have really rather been at home on my own. I made an excuse not to go over tonight.

I'll go over tomorrow, and I am thinking of mentioning the fact I am not so relaxed in the relationship as I should be. I don't want to finish just yet, I think the relationship is worth working on. It may be just a problem I am having. But I am having doubts if this really is the one, after all. Jesus, she would break her heart if she thinks I might break up. And that's pressure too.

I cannot put my finger on what the problem is. It's a whole series of small little things. I don't know whether to sit tight, and be content in a relationship that doesn't set the world on fire, pretending to be more in love than I am. Or whether to give up on the first real relationship I ever had, in the hopes that there actually is someone else who would awaken proper feelings in me.

I know nobody can advise me what to do. I just wonder has anyone been in a similar situation, where one partner loves far more than the other does? Can one be happy in a relationship like that, or is it just storing up more problems for the future? We are both in our 40s.

Miss Fluff

First of all I wouldn't say anything to her or express your doubts just yet.

While I'm all for being able to communicate and talk with one another, expressing your fear/doubts/trepidation is not really a conversation you can forget ever happened once you bring it up so I'd park the compulsion to discuss it just yet. You need to get it clear in your own head how you feel and what you want to do.

It seems like you need to further process more what is happening here. Your reasons for not wanting to hurt her or never finding someone else again are simply not good enough reasons for spending the rest of your days in a relationship that doesn't make you happy.

Do you think your feelings could be related to depression as a result of all the other peripheral head wrecks that are going on in your life?

fallen01angel

Hi OP.I completely agree with Miss Fluff,don't say anything to your girlfriend until you get it clear in your own head.You seem to be under a lot of pressure with finances/job and even your girlfriend who seems to need regular assurance with regards to your relationship.
Maybe you should take some time for yourself(although I'm fully aware this may rattle your girlfriend) to stop and assess where you are and what you truely want,it could be just the pressure of everything that makes you feel like your feelings for girlfriend aren't as strong as they actually are.Try to explain to your girlfriend your financial/job situation-I was in a similar situation a few months back and I know how suffocating it can feel at times.Just don't make any quick decisions,you could decide something that you may regret in the next few months.
Best of Luck OP.

Distorted

I would think everyone has doubts in a relationship at some point OP, its how you deal with them. What do you want out of life? Do you want the stability of a relationship or do you prefer to be on your own? If it took you so long to meet the right person, you might be very fussy and it might take you equally long to meet another, or it might never happen. So would you prefer to be on your own or to stay with this woman? And if you did split up, would you end up regretting it for the rest of your life, or would you feel relieved?

You also have to have consideration for her. She's not getting any younger, and you should'nt be leading her on until you make up your mind what to do. If you do not have serious intentions of a reasonably permanent relationship, it would be fairer to let her go.

You also sound as though you are suffering from stress, but again, so do many people and for the same reasons - again its how you deal with it. It is trite but I do think some form of counselling may be helpful to you, as you sound a bit like you are looking for the other person to be perfect, when that isn't realistic.

LegacyUser

I have been in the same situation and I got through it. I wrestled with my doubts silently for a long time but couldnt work it out myself so I ended up discussing it with my friends who reassured me and subsequently with my OH who was unbelievably kind and supportive. For me, the thing that helped was reconnecting physically- everything else seems to fall into place when the effort is made to be romantic and physical. It's the difference between friends and 'lovers' (cringe).

I think doubts are very normal because there are emotions and commitment involved and I believe relationships are hard work. But if you want to be with her, and you want it to work, then give yourself a few months to reconnect. Then reasess how you feel about her and the relationship. I'd also encourage you to speak to your close friends (not mutual ones) ... and her, if you think she will understand you. Good luck!

LegacyUser

Having been on the receiving end of a very similar situation recently I would say,

1. Stop pretending to your girlfriend that nothing is wrong. I cant begin to tell you how soul destroying it is that everything which was said/ done recently wasn't wholehearted and a bit of a sham. So stop saying the right things if you dont feel them.

2. Suit yourself a bit more. If you don't want to go over there, don't go over there! She cant read your mind you know! You're letting all this resentment build up until it will explode and you'll dump here and she wont know what just happened.

3. You fancied her once, think back to why and rediscover the intimacy if you can. Make an effort to reconnect.

I'm sorry if I sound vaguely angry but I'm so annoyed he never even told me or acted like anything was wrong and then dropped the bombshell. I've never been so convinced someone has made a bad/hasty/stupid decision in my life.

miec

Hi Op

I must admit that reading your post was an eye-opener for me (and a good one at that in an odd way) so for what it is worth I will tell you my experience from the perspective of your girlfriend.

I was with my ex for just over two years and I believe I loved him far more deeply than he loved me. I needed reassurring from him that he would stay and since we broke up I have looked at that aspect of myself. I was the way I was then but I can see now that I was looking for him to fill a gap in me that he couldn't fill. He certainty tried to do his best in some ways but it didn't make for a healthy relationship.

The thing is like you he was in a job he wasn't happy, he lacked the confidence to change it or to try new things but what really struck me was your comment

My sexual interest fluctuates between seldom and zero. I just seem to have lost the interest over the years, years of mostly not getting any. I do feel kind of under pressure to perform, when to be honest, I'd rather just have a hug in front of the fire with a nice cup of tea.

My ex was in a marriage that was loveless and he felt the above when he was with me but what you have written has helped me see his perspective. Now I do not know what your girlfriend is like in this area nor am I asking but I was on the receiving end of my ex constant rejection and it has knocked my confidence badly. I wonder if you see your girlfriend more as a friend than a lover. Maybe deep down you just don't fancy her. I do believe you care for her but is that enough? I personally feel that a relationship is unequal when one person feels more than another and for that reason alone I think once you have thought things over you should have the chat with her.