Closeted

Platinum2010

Does being closeted turn people off ?

I'm just curious because people I know have turned down dating someone because they were closeted , why's this?

Chuchoter

I can see how it would cause a lot of problems because you throw the person you're going out with back into the closet. I know if I was going out with someone who wasn't closeted it would be a nightmare for the pair of us because I'd be constantly freaked out they would say something and out me and they'd always be pissed off having to pretend we're just friends.

apache

some people are not interested in dating closeted people. there would be a few reasons.
i would think most people want to date people similar to themselves so if one person is closeted and the other out it cause difficulty in introducing them to friends family etc. they would have to introduce them as someone they are really not. this cause problems.
a lot of situations could be tricky because of it.

and this could just be the tip of the iceberg :P

wonderfulname

Its a hard thing to deal with in a relationship, turning up at the umpteenth family do as a friend and hitting the point where you have to explain yourself, watching every move you make, having no standing when it comes to your partners wellbeing, not having your relationship recognised, getting asked what the odds are on your partner and your friend getting together. Of course if you make someone believe they can have it both ways then the odds of them actually coming out gets slimmer and slimmer... if they do start to consider it you have to go through the whole coming out process again through them...

Still wouldn't change a thing though, its more than worth it for some people, and how can you tell if someone's one of those people without even giving them a shot?

L1011

I'd be very reluctant to do it due to the fact that it would put extreme limits on what you could do publicly as a couple.

Killer_banana

It can lead to some tricky situations. I know someone who was dating an out guy and was closeted himself. In Galway he was out to everyone but at home he wasn't so he had to lead an almost double life. It can lead to some serious complications (most of which have already been mentioned by other posters) and it's not that healthy really in the long run,

anotherlostie

Did it for nearly 5 years and won't do it again. Being the out person means you make a huge amount of compromise.

Platinum2010

I'm not into PDA at all so doing things in public Is not really an issue with me , its more of a I wouldn't wanna put any pressure on anyone

dreamer_ire

I've also done it and would never do it again. Aside for the compromise, which has been mentioned already, it's for me also about truth. It's important for me that I can be open with those those to me about who I am and who I'm with. Being with someone who isn't I just found too hard, so nope it's not for me.

ninty9er

Considering it took me so long to come to terms with being gay myself and to come out, I think it would be hypocritical of me to refuse to be in a relationship with someone who is going through the same process, after all, if they never intend on coming out then they're kidding themselves by being in a relationship in the first place.

Pushing someone to come out is a) not my place, though I'll offer a listening ear and b) a kick in the teeth for someone that has trusted you with a pretty big deal in their life.

That said, I'm with Platinum, PDA is not my scene, though a sneaky "are you having a good time" cuddle in a busy place where it won't be noticed is something that doesn't bother me.

df1985

Im repeating most of the comments already posted, but for me while id be very understanding (I was in the closet for long enough), at the same time considering that it did take me that long, Im kind of at the stage where I dont want to be going back into it, in the sense of sneaking around or whatever.

ongarboy

Just because you don't indulge in PDAs, does it mean you are closeted though? My partner and I are known to everyone we know as a couple. We don't hide the fact that we're gay to friends/family/work colleagues etc yet we don't conduct PDAs out on the street or even hold hands in public - simply because we do not want to expose ourselves to the potential risk of abuse (verbal and physical) you may get from less informed or tolerant members of the public. Yes, it's sad that we can't flaunt it like straight couples but that is the society we still live in still (even though the tolerance is improving) Are we closet gays then?

But just to answer OP's question, I know if I had been out and open about it for x no of years and then met someone who didn't want anyone to know they were gay, I would find that very difficult. Not only are they leading a double life, but you end up starting to do the same (all over again). Does anyone want the pretence, the constant making up of fibs, trying to constantly explain yourself or make up things so that your "straight" persona remains intact for the benefit of your closeted partner! Can closeted guys/girls understand why many or most out guys or girls would not find appeal in this?

Platinum2010

I don't like PDA not because of other people on the street STUFF EM I don't give 2 ****s what they think to be fair I just find PDA tacky and I just don't think Intimacy should be exposed as it can make people uncomfortable around you eg: kissing at a bus stop .

I understand Why people would be reluctant of dating a closeted person . If the person was out to most others just not their family . Would It still be the same?

apache

Platinum2010 wrote: »

I don't like PDA not because of other people on the street STUFF EM I don't give 2 ****s what they think to be fair I just find PDA tacky and I just don't think Intimacy should be exposed as it can make people uncomfortable around you eg: kissing at a bus stop .

I understand Why people would be reluctant of dating a closeted person . If the person was out to most others just not their family . Would It still be the same?

i don't think public displays of affection is really the issue. wouldn't be too keen myself unless my inhibitions were down
would feel the same about any couple full on in a public area.

depends on what you mean by closeted? do you mean semi closeted? so they are out to their friends and are just closeted to their family? i suppose it all comes down to how you feel yourself. so say there was a family gathering and their brothers and sisters were bringing their partners (like a big event where partners were invited) and you had to not go as you were essentially invisible.
so you sit home because you are invisible.

there would be a lot of issues i think. what about work dos? etc etc.
there would be a big part of your partners life that you could not share.
i personally think that is not healthy so no i would not date a closeted person.
but how do you know they are closeted in the early stages of dating?

Platinum2010

Semi closeted I guess. Only some friends know though so I'm not too sure

There's also the possibility that I'll have as much luck finding girls in the future as I do now so I ask myself , Why bother?

apache

Platinum2010 wrote: »

Semi closeted I guess. Only some friends know though so I'm not too sure

There's also the possibility that I'll have as much luck finding girls in the future as I do now so I ask myself , Why bother?

don't say that
there are plenty of girls in the same situation as you. there are plenty of people in the same circumstances.
you asked a question and i am sorry if i was being blunt and honest. but that is what i am.

there are plenty of people in the same circumstances as you.


there are plenty of closeted girls out there that i am sure would make you happy

i do realise that may sound patronising on reading it back?

Platinum2010

I appreciate your advice and I'm sorry I haven't told you that in the last post , but I do appreciate it and totally get where your coming from

but mainly thats why I'm closeted
Why bother coming out and putting up with the grief I will undoubtedly receive from the family , when it's not like I'm likely to find a girl who's not out of my league anyway

wonderfulname

Ah you are talking about yourself platinum... Judging by your posting history you're in your late teens at the oldest? The perspectives here are from a bit of a different position to the one you're in, mostly people who are older than you, and looking for something a bit different in a relationship. 17 is the average age for a LGBT person in Ireland to come out at, an age which I'm assuming you're pretty close to. There is nothing strange about your situation, you will find the majority of girls probably don't care what your parents know, indeed much of them are in the same position.

You will meet people and have a fantastic amount of luck with women, don't write yourself off when you've barely entered the race.

apache

Platinum2010 wrote: »

I appreciate your advice and I'm sorry I haven't told you that in the last post , but I do appreciate it and totally get where your coming from

but mainly thats why I'm closeted
Why bother coming out and putting up with the grief I will undoubtedly receive from the family , when it's not like I'm likely to find a girl who's not out of my league anyway

i don't understand why you would say that. only come out when you are ready and not a minute before!
why would you say they are out of your league?
take some time for yourself. you don't need to come out to anybody until you are ready.
i have had grief from my family. i guess its easier for me to say because i am past all that. it was a difficult time for me.
but i am past all that and everyone knows but yes it was not easy.

i wish you luck and good thoughts

apache

wonderfulname wrote: »

Ah you are talking about yourself platinum... Judging by your posting history you're in your late teens at the oldest? The perspectives here are from a bit of a different position to the one you're in, mostly people who are older than you, and looking for something a bit different in a relationship. 17 is the average age for a LGBT person in Ireland to come out at, an age which I'm assuming you're pretty close to. There is nothing strange about your situation, you will find the majority of girls probably don't care what your parents know, indeed much of them are in the same position.

You will meet people and have a fantastic amount of luck with women, don't write yourself off when you've barely entered the race.

well yeah i agree. there is a whole beautiful world out there. i forget sometimes that i am older and wiser. but it touches me to see a lesbian to go through this. i think we all have been there.
if you are in that age group you have nothing to worry about. don't be fretting dear.
enjoy it and be safe

i would not like though to be at that stage in life. it is complicated.

Platinum2010

I'm 18 since early this year and It just seems like everyone I talk to either finds me unattractive or something and makes up some kind of excuse like
I've been asked back by my ex or
I've too much going on ...something like that , but the day before there was nothing stopping them apparently .
Just seems like asking to meet a nice girl who's not arrogant or too cocky is like begging for a miracle

wonderfulname

You will find a nice, down to earth girl, quite a few I'd say. Cocky, arrogant people by definition make themselves considerably more obvious than everyone else! Just because they are more obvious doesn't mean they are all that's out there though, doesn't even mean they make up any sizeable number. Have patience, this isn't a problem with you, its just life. I know it's frustrating to go through but the pieces will fall together soon enough.

Platinum2010

Thanks . You're right

apache

Platinum2010 wrote: »

I'm 18 since early this year and It just seems like everyone I talk to either finds me unattractive or something and makes up some kind of excuse like
I've been asked back by my ex or
I've too much going on ...something like that , but the day before there was nothing stopping them apparently .
Just seems like asking to meet a nice girl who's not arrogant or too cocky is like begging for a miracle

yeah i know. lesbians can be very difficult. i don't know what to say to you because in reality this is the sort of crap you have to put up with.

young lesbians are a nightmare

wonderfulname

Yeah that's the other thing about cocky arrogant lesbians, they tend to come out earlier as they're cocky enough not to worry about the consequences, makes for a higher proportion in the younger age brackets... Oh well, college will serve you well don't worry (another assumption, that you're going, what can I say I'm cocky ).

Platinum2010

Lovely Dyke wrote: »

young lesbians are a nightmare

So I've noticed