Good when its good; she hits when its not.

LegacyUser

I've a fiance - when things are great, they're very great - but when they're bad, I question everything.

She's pregnant and we're both over-the-moon - we're both 37 so time was running out but it was planned and we're both delighted.

We row. We've very good at that too.

I try be calm and maybe passive-agressive; people hate my calmness/form-of-logic when I argue. She, on the other hand, came from a dysfunctional family and completely explodes. She will bang doors and scream. I try avoiding letting others know our difficulties. She also hits.

Yesterday in the car back from Cork to Dublin in the rain, my car ploughed into some water and somehow my ABS light started flashing and a warning flashed up on my radio-display. The traffic was heavy, slow but moving and attention was needed to the road. I asked her to read the message, she queried what I was asking, I raised my voice asking again, she started reading but lower than the radio, I shouted again, she was shouting, I went to read the warning-display myself and she screamed at me to watch the road. She hit me once or twice or three times (one of those times hitting the steering-wheel) and her jacket got caught on the gear-stick and I must admit I swung my left arm across at her - no real force but not without force either if you know what I mean.

The warning was telling me my ABS was no longer working and not to rely on it.

We're together three years and been through tough times financially.

As I was saying at the outset, when we're great - its the greatest in the world. But I'm wondering now if we should be together ... ... (and there's also the baby to think of).

Ickle Magoo

Would you both consider going to couple counselling? It sounds like neither of you have great communication skills and could do with some anger management and conflict resolution skills.

I'm not sure why you were shouting over the radio rather than switching it off and accidentally weaving because you are trying to read a warning is no reason to start swinging limbs or fists - it sounds completely dysfunctional as soon as stress or conflict is present.

I would recommend you get it sorted out ASAP, kids and sleepless nights just pile more stress and conflict and there is really no place for emotional or physical abuse in a relationship - never mind as parents.

All the best.

Chinafoot

VeryNewbie wrote: »

Yesterday in the car back from Cork to Dublin in the rain, my car ploughed into some water and somehow my ABS light started flashing and a warning flashed up on my radio-display. The traffic was heavy, slow but moving and attention was needed to the road. I asked her to read the message, she queried what I was asking, I raised my voice asking again, she started reading but lower than the radio, I shouted again, she was shouting, I went to read the warning-display myself and she screamed at me to watch the road. She hit me once or twice or three times (one of those times hitting the steering-wheel) and her jacket got caught on the gear-stick and I must admit I swung my left arm across at her - no real force but not without force either if you know what I mean.

OP, her behaviour was completely OTT but so was yours. There is nothing in your example there to back up your claims of trying to remain calm and logical. Why are you raising your voice to her because she asked you a question? If the radio was too loud, turn it down ffs. Hitting each other, and her pregnant with your child, is appalling behaviour. There is never any excuse for violence from either partner. The day she hit you for the first time is the day you should have ended the relationship. As it stands now you're both lashing out at each other physically and this is only going to escalate unless you get help.

Take Ickle Magoo's advice and get yourselves into couple's counselling. It would be incredibly irresponsible for you to bring a child into such a destructive environment.

Count Duckula

VeryNewbie wrote: »

I must admit I swung my left arm across at her

This is the bit that struck me.

This woman is carrying a baby. Your baby. And you lashed out with your arm? Did you not think you might have done real damage?

You sound like you wind each other up, and there's no excuse for things escalating to violence on either side, but when your lashing out stands to not only hurt her but a little life that you helped create then you need to grow up.

wild_cat

Count Duckula wrote: »

This is the bit that struck me.

This woman is carrying a baby. Your baby. And you lashed out with your arm? Did you not think you might have done real damage?

You sound like you wind each other up, and there's no excuse for things escalating to violence on either side, but when your lashing out stands to not only hurt her but a little life that you helped create then you need to grow up.

If you were being repeatedly hit would you not put your arm up to prevent it happening again?

It a run of the mill human reaction to being hit and I doubt very much the OP would do anything to harm his unborn child. He was trying to stop physical abuse.

Count Duckula

wild_cat wrote: »

If you were being repeatedly hit would you not put your arm up to prevent it happening again?

It a run of the mill human reaction to being hit and I doubt very much the OP would do anything to harm his unborn child. He was trying to stop physical abuse.

The OP did not merely put his arm up to "stop himself being hit".

VeryNewbie wrote:

I swung my left arm across at her - no real force but not without force either if you know what I mean.

He swung his arm at her, and not particularly gently, either.

I'm not justifying her actions; she needs to grow up too. Sounds like she's failing to realise the responsibility that her pregnancy brings, and is still persisting with acting like a child.

But the OP has a responsibility towards that child too, and that includes not doing anything that could potentially endanger it - including engaging in physical violence from and with his girlfriend.

wild_cat

Count Duckula wrote: »

But the OP has a responsibility towards that child too, and that includes not doing anything that could potentially endanger it - including engaging in physical violence from and with his girlfriend.

I will agree with you there. You cannot have a child witnessing petty fighting and spousal abuse it leads to all sorts of trouble in later years and is really really unfair. I was lucky enough to have parents that rarely fought but some of the stuff my friends witnessed as kids and teenagers have left them a bit raw emotionally and hating either one or both of their parents.

Neyite

Both of you communicate badly, very badly.

Children learn behaviour from their parents. I would suggest this be your approach to her - you need to sort out your lack of communication skills before this child comes, otherwise they will scream/hit/bite everybody, childminders and creches wont want them, and other parents will avoid play dates.

booboo88

Count Duckula wrote: »

This is the bit that struck me.

This woman is carrying a baby. Your baby. And you lashed out with your arm? Did you not think you might have done real damage?

You sound like you wind each other up, and there's no excuse for things escalating to violence on either side, but when your lashing out stands to not only hurt her but a little life that you helped create then you need to grow up.

Im sorry I'd never condone hitting a woman, but she hit him, whilst driving, which could have result in a serious accident, or worse:eek:
BOTH were in the wrong

OP sounds like you you bring out the worst in each other,

leeroybrown

Count Duckula wrote: »

This is the bit that struck me.

This woman is carrying a baby. Your baby. And you lashed out with your arm? Did you not think you might have done real damage?

You sound like you wind each other up, and there's no excuse for things escalating to violence on either side, but when your lashing out stands to not only hurt her but a little life that you helped create then you need to grow up.

To be honest it actually sounds like reasonable self defence by someone in a dangerous situation. If anyone started hitting me and interfering with the controls of a car while I was driving I'd be pretty quick to try and push them away.

Pandora2

Violence is never good but imo the situation in the car you describe is open to interpretation. It strikes me that this girl has had to fight to make herself heard within her own family and it is just her way of doing things...maybe reassuring her that she does not have to fight to be heard with you would help

Also, please don't underestimate the effect that unstable hormones have on a woman. After a hysterectomy I went into an early menopause. 3 months later myself and the O/H in the car on the M50 going at a fair old pelt, bickering about what I can't remember, anyhow he decided not to respond to me as I was verging on irrational....I got so mad that I almost pulled the steering wheel out of his control!!:eek: It frightened the bejesus out of me and I was on the HRT by lunchtime the next day!! I really really love my O/H!!!

Another violent episode though and you should put some distance between you until she seeks help...I could have killed us that day, no exagerration:eek:

daenerysstormborn3

Good advice from ickle magoo i think.

It might be an idea to go to couple's counselling but also counselling separately and see if there are any past personal issues affecting your behaviour towards each other.

Hitting each other is never okay regardless of anyone being pregnant.