destined to be an old maid??

LegacyUser

ok so its all definately over!!

wasted 2 years on someone who just didnt care. had the chat and he isnt interested in anything serious. i take a lot of blame because i let it go on so long. but now its over. for good.
while im a little upset, feel stupid with myself and furious that he led me on,and disgusted that i didnt just walk away earlier. im kind of ok.

what now though??

im that age, friends are settled down and live miles from me. im not really interested in meeting anyone but yet feel time has nearly ran out for me. im in my late 30's. i dont want to be with someone for the sake of not missing out. i want to be with someone who loves me and i love them.
but i dont think thats going to happen now.
im not desperate but somewhere in the back of my head, i feel i am!! if that makes sense?

i dont know how to spend my time, i dont know what i should be doing.
im not thinking about my 'ex' and keep telling myself he just wasnt the one etc
its just like all my hopes of ever having the happy-ever after, marraige, kids etc are gone too.

sorry if im rambling, i guess i just need some advice on what to do next?
do i give up hope of ever finding someone and live my life as though i will always be single?
am thinking of getting a pet!

LegacyUser

old maid wrote: »

ok so its all definately over!!

wasted 2 years on someone who just didnt care. had the chat and he isnt interested in anything serious. i take a lot of blame because i let it go on so long. but now its over. for good.
while im a little upset, feel stupid with myself and furious that he led me on,and disgusted that i didnt just walk away earlier. im kind of ok.

what now though??

im that age, friends are settled down and live miles from me. im not really interested in meeting anyone but yet feel time has nearly ran out for me. im in my late 30's. i dont want to be with someone for the sake of not missing out. i want to be with someone who loves me and i love them.
but i dont think thats going to happen now.
im not desperate but somewhere in the back of my head, i feel i am!! if that makes sense?

i dont know how to spend my time, i dont know what i should be doing.
im not thinking about my 'ex' and keep telling myself he just wasnt the one etc
its just like all my hopes of ever having the happy-ever after, marraige, kids etc are gone too.

sorry if im rambling, i guess i just need some advice on what to do next?
do i give up hope of ever finding someone and live my life as though i will always be single?
am thinking of getting a pet!

Hi OP,
Although my situation was slightly different the end result is the same and I really feel for you and understand where your head is at.I'm in my late 30's and now recently back to square 1.Most of my friends are happily married with the babies and everything and I can't help feeling that I'm a failure cos I haven't.
Yes you feel like you've wasted 2 years on a guy and that's time you won't get back,but on the other hand you could have as easily wasted another 2 yrs hoping that it'd get better.You've made the right decision and it's important to keep reminding yourself of that.I know this sounds so corny but it's something I always truely believed-Better single and happy,than attached and not happy.No one knows what around the corner for them.Keep active,if you have the room and time by all means get a pet,a dog would get you out and about....even when you don't want to.Try not to think too much about the future,whatever happens will happen and there's nothing really we can do about it,just don't waste time on the shoulda coulda woulda,it won't help you feel any better.

LegacyUser

Yeah it's nice to have a partner to share things with, but as you've rightly pointed out, they have to step up to the mark if they want to be your partner.
When you're single OP, it's hard to believe there are nice men left. The first thing you need to do is to realise that there are loads of nice men left. This'll take the pressure off you and stop you thinking that you'll be an 'old maid'. It'll also open your eyes to how great your life is, and to all the opportunities there are out there (and by opportunites, I mean living your life to the full, not 'boyfriend opportunities'!!).
So from today start thanking god that you're not with someone who doesn't want what you want out of life (lots of people make the mistake of going down that particular road without realising how long the road is). Count your blessings. You don't want to reach your later years only to look back and regret the time you wasted worrying about meeting someone.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi,
I am in same boat really, though am bit younger, but at 30 all my friends are settled, its becoming v hard to meet someone. I have a pet lol. Keep telling myself not to stress and when it's meant to happen it will happen but I totally empathise with the- not desperate but in back of my head I feel as if I am sentiment! I suppose the usual advice- join a group, get out there, try internet dating etc....any use? I don't know, I feel in same boat myself. Some people seem to find it so easy to meet someone else don't they, I have a really full social life, loads of friends, a great job, and can turn my hand to most things, am a very positive person- my love life is the one area I can't seem to get a handle on!!

LegacyUser

i'm facing the same situation. i have stupidly devoted five years to someone who is honest with me and tells me he doesn't love me. i keep thinking it's better than being alone. i see other women with proper boyfriends, women my age, finding new relationships. i think about how those men must actually tell these women that they love them. i imagine how nice that must be. somehow it isn't enough to make me let go of this person and move on. i feel incredibly stupid, but i feel more afraid than stupid, so i stay in it.

you should be very proud you had the strength to get out of it. i wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.

LegacyUser

Dont look back on those two years as wasted. They weren't. They are part of who you are now. All our experiences make us the rich complicated beings we become. You should embrace it.

I'm recently single too, and have felt at times disappointed, miserable, elated, like life is full of promise, thankful of the relationship and sad at the loss of the future I thought I had.

Maybe life wont work out with the partner/children side of things, but there are other ways we can make our mark. Sometimes I feel myself that maybe I'm not cut out for the ordinary family life anyway. Maybe singledom is my destiny, and I sure as hell wont waste my life being sad about it. I hope not anyway.

I am a friend

old maid wrote: »

im not desperate but somewhere in the back of my head, i feel i am!! if that makes sense?

OP, when I read your post earlier, I was reading it on my phone and could not see the username. It was so familiar to me that I thought it was a post I had written about 14/15 months ago.

I was in the exact same position as you. Met someone when mid-30’s, he appeared genuine, nice etc etc and I took my time to make up my mind about him. He asked early on if I wanted kids and marriage and I said yes to both but with the right person. He said that although he had done it before he wanted the same. He was lying. He kept me hanging for about 1.5 years during which I discovered he wasn’t even actually divorced and then he finally admitted he hadn’t wanted more kids, he just knew I did and he didn’t want to lose me… I like to think I have my head screwed on, was not desperate to meet someone so I was with him as I really loved him but it was all a façade. You are not desperate at all and I felt the same way as you and I also felt so annoyed with myself that I didnt walk sooner but look, we didnt, and we now know we will do it, if needs be, the next time. We cant change the past but we have both learned from it..

I was devastated as I considered he had taken the last ‘good’ years of my fertility and slowly began to resign myself that I would never have kids.. After that I took time out and didn’t even think about meeting anyone special. I dated guys and just took it as it came and then when I had finally given up, an ex of mine (from many years ago but we were always friends – nothing more), became single again, we started to meet up as friends and now we are so happy and I am 3 months pregnant.

I am not telling you this to brag. I am telling you this because I was in your shoes not that long ago and its true that it will happen when you least expect it.

I had also given up on meeting the man but had taken steps to look into sperm donation as I always wanted children. So maybe you should not give up on your dreams just yet
Would you consider looking into the possibility of having kids by alternative methods…. I thought about the pet route but it was only ever going to be a short-term fix.

What I am saying is that some of this is still in your control. It may not be the white picket fence, 2.2 kids scenario but kids are still an option for you if it is really your heart’s desire.

Good luck and chin up and most importantly BEST FOOT FORWARD…

LegacyUser

thanks so much for your replys, it really made me feel bit better today.

i am a friend, thank you for making me feel 'maybe' and congrats, am delighted for you!

tbh single parenthood isnt something that appeals to me, it was always just the whole package really, in love, kids etc. my mam was single parent, really couldnt do it!

so i will carry on and try, somehow, to keep my mind occupied and my body busy!!

and i will keep reading your replys when im feeling like the best is behind me, thks

I am a friend

I think more 'probably' than 'maybe' .

Keep an open mind and the worst is behind you - I promise.

Emme

OP, I think the whole husband 2.5 kids white picket fence thing is a myth. Don't get hung up on it or you'll make yourself miserable. There are plenty of single happy people around. OK, it isn't easy 100% of the time but you've got to make the most of what you have. Find something you really enjoy doing, focus on that and learn to enjoy your live to the full without a partner. Then finding one won't be such a big deal. If you really want children and are in a position to support one then consider alternatives such as donor insemination or adoption.

Good luck.

Congrats to I am a friend on your pregnancy!

LegacyUser

Get out there.
I was in a LTR with a guy for years. Happily single the last year. Gave up on waiting for guys to ask me out, or attached friends to introduce me. Saw a guy I liked- broad daylight, a stranger-, asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime, he (surprised but enthusiastically) agreed; we're dating since. Admittedly it could have gone the other way also(I checked no wedding ring first!!), but I was of the mindframe that, once I'd asked once, asking again would be much easier second time round.
You make your own luck. You have absolutely nothing to lose by asking someone out yourself.

countryliving

hi, i totally understand how you feel as i am heading towards late 30s not desperate but would like to meet someone its in our genes. however, you are better off without your man and brave for parting company with your ex.
my advice is; yes go get a pet and you will get so much back from the pet.i have a dog and what he has given me..it is unreal. great company takes the lonliness away. id recommend dog ownership however dogs are a big responsibility and when i am working my dog stays with my parents.

also, dont lose hope - i have never lost hope. i go out at weekends in different places, there are lots of guys out there - it is just meeting the right one. have fun in the meantime.

my friend met a guy last december and they are still together randomly met in a pub.
another girl i know had given up but met a guy outside a nightclub she was 38 at the time. got married 6 months later and has now got 4 children - she is now 44/45. met a girl who i wouldnt know so well but she is 39 met a guy 4 months ago and moved in with him after 3 months.
dont feel alone.
lots of us older ladies out there.
good luck.