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need to stop this self obsessing

LegacyUser · 2011-06-11 00:20:32

I am 21 and female and am a complete mess. I am so bad when it comes to relationships, I am cheated on all the time, my first boyfriend started it all off. He was so nasty. He cheated on me but also shoved me around, held me down, wouldn't stop doing what he wanted when i asked him to, I had relationships since but they've…

11-06-2011 12:20am

#1

LegacyUser

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I am 21 and female and am a complete mess. I am so bad when it comes to relationships, I am cheated on all the time, my first boyfriend started it all off. He was so nasty. He cheated on me but also shoved me around, held me down, wouldn't stop doing what he wanted when i asked him to, I had relationships since but they've been bad. I always choose the man who'll get nasty. I had counselling after a string of family bereavements about 6 years ago. I went again last year because I was imagining more and more about how much easier it'd be if I wasn't here but I could never ever do that to my mother. I obsess about my weight, my looks, everything but I don't let it show to anyone. I feel like a prick for even thinking about this stuff because it is so self obsessed but so often lately I know that there is nothing else out there for me but the same thing over and over, and I'm tired of it and I don't want to keep having it happen. Even when I was eleven I had an older guy hold me down and be a bully he didn't do anything really bad to me but I was always scared and he was sleazy. Lately I met a great guy, he said he'd been hurt too and I said well maybe it's time we broke that abusive cycle and gave someone different a try. He said he liked me and we'd give it a try but a few days later he's already in a relationship with someone else and while i agree totally that it was my own fault and I left the barrier down too soon I thought it was safe. Anyway it doesn't matter because I'm obviously not capable of being strong right now anway coz I think about ending it all the time but I'd never do it. I still wish I had a more positive outlook though. Last year I plucked up the courage to go to my doctor and they sent me to counselling but it was different to when I went as a 15 year old. It was a man this time and he didn't like how harsh I was about men. understandably. so i stopped after 3 sessions coz I couldn't get out of bed one day because I was so sad and couldn't even breathe properly and he never rang to see why I didn't show up and I was too embarrassed to ring him to say why. Anyway I want to go for counselling again coz i want it to stop but I don't want to go back to my doctor in case he thinks I'm insane so how can I find a good, female counsellor who won't mind talking about the things my ex did? i don't care how much it costs. thanks

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